My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

OP well done for welcoming her into your family despite your partners stupidity. I understand you referring to her as the affair child..l because ultimately she is! You’re hardly saying that to her face, you’re just saying it on a forum for simplicity sakes. Ignore the sensitive souls who can’t understand that/were the other woman or whatever! Your child doesn’t realise she is she subject of an affair, just seen she hasn’t taken to her so maybe just try and separate them for a bit until he is older enough o understand properly? Not my forte autism but well done you for allowing her into your family and ignore the silly comments on here from snowflakes

@DenisetheMenace

Tored

“I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am”

Which is coming from you, whether you are willing to accept that or not.

Explain how you know this?

I don't know the answer , but i just wanted to say its quite clear to me the words you are using to describe the people and the situation .
I have no idea why there are so many posters criticising you , some people thrive on what they perceive to be someone's drama.
Everyone concerned is lucky to have you in their life , i hope things improve for you and that this is just a phase your little boy is going through.
I am a mom of 3 and i know its not always an easy ride .

Thank you for the good advice of which there is plenty hidden amongst the pedantic and judgmental, pointless posts I appreciate you taking the time to advise me and for the empathy

Tored this is such a complex situation., so is a few sessions of family therapy together for yourself, your husband and DSD's mother a possibility? With the aim of making a safe and realistic visitation plan for DSD? Then everyone could have a fair say and a clear role to play, and you wouldn't have to rely so much on your husband to communicate.

God there are some clueless judgemental arseholes on here.

This situation needs careful handling with advice and input from people who understand autism.

Pomp

DenisetheMenace
Tored

“I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am”

Which is coming from you, whether you are willing to accept that or not.
Explain how you know this?

Fair point.
You’re right, I could be wrong.
The “affair child” is incredibly bitter, though, don’t you think? anonymous forum or not. It’s a child. Do you have a similar experience.

It’s a cruel description. The child’s done nothing.

Hi @tored firstly wow you have balls of steel to have stayed and accepted his daughter (I remember your original post) so huge kudos and I really hope he has learnt his lesson and earned your amazing acceptance.

Secondly I haven't read the whole thread as frankly the first few pages of abuse pissed me off so if I am raising suggestions that others have already made I apologise...

However, here is my twopence worth...

1. both kids are still very young. Autism or not it is quite "normal" behaviour for some kids so try not to worry. As long as you are separating and explaining no and reaffirming good behaviour then you are doing fine!

2. in my experience boys develop much slower than girls when it comes to emotional intelligence. They are slower to get to grips with what they are feeling and how to deal with that. But he is 3 so honestly don't expect him to have a clue. Everything is hugely instinctual at that age. Lashing out is normal and often the expected behaviour when they feel slighted. Is she playing with "his" things or does she have her own toys at your house? You say outside the house ie park he is fine and there is no issue, this would suggest the issue is territorial.

3. because of the Autism I think actually the ignore him and fuss her is probably going to make matters worse. I would separate initially and then steer "nice" play with the 2 together. It might help stamp out some of the jealousy

4. if the older half siblings have been there since birth and daily am I right to say they are your kids? If so the issue he is possibly that he is used to sharing you but not his dad. Have you noticed if your dh's behaviour alters towards him when she is there? Or if jot, does he seem more attentive towards her than he is is in general with your son?

I'm still amazed at your acceptance of her, you sound awesome

How is the situation OP?

It must be quite confusing for your son and I suspect he picks up on the strangeness of the situation and though you say you are fine with her now, I strongly suspect you would have had a lot of negative emotions around it. Kids are very aware of this kind of thing but can’t verbalise it

Hey OP, I hope you're doing OK. I don't know if you're still reading this thread but I've got autistic twins (now 11 years old) so just thought I'd add a couple of comments.

Your son is only 3 and diagnosed as autistic - I'm going to assume he's got some fairly significant difficulties as it's quite unusual to be diagnosed so young. If that's the case, he might be too young to understand social stories, or to understand consequences. So, a time out or punishment of some kind won't help as he won't connect it to what he's done wrong.

I think someone else mentioned the positive praise for good engagements. This. Definitely this. Also, learn the warning signs and be prepared to intervene and distract. This is hard haha! But with practice you'll start to notice tiny little warning signs. Don't wait for things to go boom before you step in..

You say he's attacking her for "no reason" - it's not no reason, it's just about you learning to view the world through his eyes to spot what that reason is. I did a couple of autism for parent courses that we were offered by ATS and oh my goodness, I learnt SO much. You mention you're starting the OU course on autism, this will absolutely help you. I'd also recommend maybe joining a FB group where there are autistic adults - not just parents of autistic DC, actual autistics. Listening to autistic adults talk will give you a window into your DS's mind. I wonder if your step-daughter is maybe making a noise? Lots of autistic children are hyper-sensitive to noise that others wouldn't notice? Or maybe he has just used up his available resources and has had enough of her? Autistic children (and adults) can find life a lot more exhausting, often due to sensory issues, but also because of the difficulties processing etc. It means they burn out and run low on energy very quickly on some days.

My DS was diagnosed at age 3 but his twin sister wasn't diagnosed until last year (age 10). I look back now and wondered how on earth I kept my sanity haha! He used to bang his head and hurt himself and he clonked over plenty of times. Biting was his thing, he used to bite her when he got angry or excited (still does occasionally). Managing stimulation levels will be really important for you - too much excitement or fun could tip him over into a meltdown.

There's loads more I could say, but I'll leave it there. It's a massive learning curve learning how to parent autistic DC as sometimes it feels counterintuitive. You don't need to condone violence and you're absolutely right to intervene but remember that your DS isn't doing this on purpose or maliciously, it's a means of communication as he's not fully verbal. Figure out what he's trying to tell you rather than focusing on punishment. That's the approach I've always taken and all these years later, it's really paid off.

Inbox is always open if you need a chat.

Lol.

I'm going to start referring to my bil as affair child.

Exhausted - what a wonderful helpful post.