My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

tored I really feel for you in this situation - and I agree with another poster who says you are amazing for welcoming this child into your family.

I don't have the same situation as you so can never fully understand . I do have twins and can vouch for how difficult this kind of behavior is to manage. My children went through biting and hitting phases and it would happen even if I was in the room. Not as easy to manage as some on here might suggest. It was worse when it happened to other children too.

They did eventually grow out of it. I also found it helpful to attend a parenting course held at our local childrens centre run by the family support people employed by the council. I really benefited from their wisdom but also from meeting other parents too (with a range of challenges including additional needs and blended families). I agree with your plan to speak to the pediatrician and wonder if a similar parenting course might help you too.

Good luck and well done for asking for help. Being a mum isn't easy and we don't get enough encouragement.

Not rtft only skimmed it but OP @Tored maybe either ask for this to be moved to the special needs forum or repost there as it seems the issue is more autism based than the affair to me.

So where is your H in this (no 'D' from here, I'm afraid).

There's only one person here who is actually the parent of both of these children so I hope that it's actually him and not you that is taking on the lion's share of being inconvenienced (for want of a better word) by all this.

There is only one person who should be shadowing for the duration of her visit and it's very much not you!

@Radio4Rocks

The vipers are out early today.

Picking on an unfortunate expression multiple times isn't helpful and reflects badly on those bitching about it.

^^ This!

@OverTheRubicon

However, I have made a conscious effort to welcome her and I'm kind to her. She's a lovely child.

Unfortunately, your subconscious is clearly running the show, when you call her the 'affair child'. I'm hoping this is not real, because if it is, it's very sad. Assuming it is real, are you having any kind of counselling? Having to blend with 2 other families, and an affair, and autism is a lot to manage and it's no wonder if some of your (crappy) DH's choices are giving you difficult emotional reactions.

I agree.

I find it astounding that people don't realise that it is the unconscious that children pick up on when it isn't congruent with what is going on on the surface. Your son is acting out your own feelings - and the children are both suffering as a result.

I think is it possible to have her for shorter amounts of time until your 3 year old is a bit more reliable. Maybe your dh could take her out instead, and then reintroduce the two toddlers when some time has passed and see if can break the habit

There's a lot of excellent advice here; don't let the nasty posts get to you, @Tored. I think you're obviously a caring and compassionate person.

I think you’re amazing for sticking with your DH and accepting his child into your home the way you have. Personally, I don’t think I could’ve done it. So, hats off to you! As unfair as it is to the child because she has done nothing wrong, it is completely natural to harbour resentment towards her. You’re only human, just like the rest of us. The vipers on here giving you a hard time have no bloody idea what it must be like so please just ignore them. My DS was like this with his brother for a short time (really close age gap) and they are full siblings and not autistic! They soon became besties. Maybe your DS is picking up on subconscious tensions between you but maybe not! It could just be normal sibling rivalry and jealousy that will probably pass with time and a bit of love and guidance from you.

@FuckingWaffleDoggy

Not rtft only skimmed it but OP *@Tored* maybe either ask for this to be moved to the special needs forum or repost there as it seems the issue is more autism based than the affair to me.

Yes 100% this! I asked on page 2 why OP posted in Relationships... if it's a Parenting question post there or in SN, if you post in Relationships don't be surprised if people focus on... the relationship.

Doesn't excuse people being twats though.

Honestly OP this is in the wrong place if you want useful parenting advice for an autistic child.

Good luck with it all.

Stop picking on the op for writing "affair Child" it's obvious it's just an explanation of the situation as not to drip feed. Clearly she doesn't use this in any other way than to explain on here. Clearly she has excepted and cares slot for this child in a very difficult and hurtful situation how this child came to be in her life. How about focus on the positive she is trying to protect the said child from getting hurt by the half sibling who is a toddler and has autism. It's a difficult and unusual situation. Why focus on that expression?!

*Accepted

You haven’t been nice about her in this post. I can’t imagine that doesn’t leak out.

She's been nothing but nice about her in this post.

Thank you to those who can see that I'm coming from a place of care and concern.

It's patently obvious you care for BOTH children. Please ignore the absolute cunts - you have more grace and dignity than they ever will.

I would wonder whether DS has picked up on some feelings regardless of how you treat your DSD.

Also I think you might be a bit worried for the future, from my own experience, DSS use to do this to my DS (both NT) and now they are as thick as thieves, probably because we nipped it in the bud early, so I would concentrate on now and also I would post in the SN section for more advice on how to deal with the consquences of his behaviour as probably what worked for us, would not work for your DS

You have called her “affair child”, “OWs child”, “she” and “little girl” in this post.

And that you have grown to like her.

And that to solve the problem of her being hit, you suggest SHE has to leave her fathers home. So, she is essentially having her routine changed, being punished for doing no wrong.

As other posters have said, you have a problem with your DS hitting another child, perhaps complicated by his autism.

But you also have a problem with your attitude towards this child. I can’t see your set up working out long term if you don’t address this,

Have you looked into social stories? Ds1 has autism and they helped him loads at that age. They explain in simple words and pictures we must not hit.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Thank you to those who can see that I'm coming from a place of care and concern.

It's patently obvious you care for BOTH children. Please ignore the absolute cunts - you have more grace and dignity than they ever will.

OP has stated that she is a regular poster. So she knows her audience. She changed her name and presumably wrote from the heart on this one.

But yes, we are all cunts for saying what we see .

I would say that this is an ASD issue, as opposed to specific to the other child.

Often children with ASD respond one of two extremes of the spectrum with regards managing with younger children.

My lo relates better to younger children. (though that has other repercussions). But some relate better to elder children.

I would focus on getting some support to manage the social interactions better!

How you word things on messages will be taken as how your whole life is and your attitude to things, which often isn't the case. Some people are just clumsy in their writing style or are trying to get all the information out. I think people can be a bit judgemental and never give the benefit of the doubt on some threads.

I don't have any advice but hopefully, they will grow out of it.

You have called her “affair child”, “OWs child”, “she” and “little girl” in this post

All of which are accurate.

Are people so thick that they don't realise that posters will use different terminology on the likes of MN, than they do in real life? Do you call your kids DD1 etc to their faces?
Cop yourselves on, fgs, She's describing the child accurately to strangers, in RL she will use her name!

@TheUnwindingCableCar

Afair child?

Also, I can't imagine knowing a child, a child I have chosen to accept into my family, from birth, and only liking her. How can you not love her as her own person?

I'm not sure it's your son with the issues.

Hah! Let's see how you'd actually feel if placed in that situation, shall we.

Patronising af.

But yes, we are all cunts for saying what we see hmm

For saying what you have invented, yes you are.

Does your DS have a sensory corner? When DS was that age (and non verbal) he would lash out, he didn’t understand why it was wrong. He understood he had this very very big feeling that he couldn’t keep inside so he lashed out. I made him a sensory corner out of a black duvet cover and sheet, pillows, fairy lights and put things he found calming in it (highly recommend a lavender blanket btw). He couldn’t recognise when he was getting angry so we still had to watch closely, but when we could tell things were getting too much for him we’d take him to the sensory corner before he got to the lashing out stage. He’s 10 now and still uses it when he’s getting angry (but we upgraded it to a tent), just sitting in there calms him down in minutes now. Might be worth implementing just now? It’ll have benefits that last through the school years too

@Tored

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

The advice that thelegohooverer gave you is perfect, works wonders with Autistic kids :)

I would also implement a routine board.

You can either buy or make these, but the idea is to each day, sit with him for 5 minutes and visually put up something that represents what will happen that day.

So for my son.. we have Breakfast, Dressing, School, dinner, bedtime. for week days. Each morning i put the board together with him, so he knows what to expect.

IF you also have a weekly board, you can add a card for the little girl for saturdays, so he has a visual reminder that she is coming, and a countdown to that day.

It helps them to internalize expectations of what it happening and when, so reduces stress of things that are out of routine.

I think OP sees a child who is being hit by her ds and is exploring ways to change this.
Most of us will initially come up with solutions that after further scrutiny we realise are not the best answer.
The pp's making nasty remarks without offering advice are just enjoying getting a kick in.
The OP has no obligation to do anything at all with her dh's youngest dc and is certainly not obliged to love the child.