My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

I’m shocked people are jumping on the OP. Unfortunately this child is the product of an affair, and as long as no one refers to her as this in RL then what’s the problem with OP saying it amongst us?

Staying with a man who was not only been unfaithful but has also conceived a child because of said affair, is astounding.

In regards to your son it’s more than likely because she comes every weekend and he doesn’t understand it etc. I’d suggest when he hits her he needs some sort of consequence ie; the naughty step.

I think separating them is actually a bad idea, they need to learn to accept each other, like pp have said it's going to take time, your son has had a massive change in routine and needs to get use to a new sibling, look into supporting transitions.

I think you need to separate your son's behaviour between what is a result of his autism, and what is a result of typical 3yo behaviour. I imagine lots of NT children of his age would be jealous of a younger sibling, and it will be harder for your son to process this due to his autism, but also due to the fact that the other little girl is only there a couple of days a week. Lots of this behaviour will straighten itself out as the kids get older and your son understands more, but also as his sister sticks up for herself a little more as she gets older.

I agree with some PP that a very non confrontational approach would be helpful in the meantime, try and distract your son rather than punish him, step in between them and play with the little girl and lots of high praise if your son gets involved, and if he doesn't, fair enough ignore it and let him take himself off and do something else, let the situation he guided by him

@fassbendersmistress

You have called her “affair child”, “OWs child”, “she” and “little girl” in this post.

And that you have grown to like her.

And that to solve the problem of her being hit, you suggest SHE has to leave her fathers home. So, she is essentially having her routine changed, being punished for doing no wrong.

As other posters have said, you have a problem with your DS hitting another child, perhaps complicated by his autism.

But you also have a problem with your attitude towards this child. I can’t see your set up working out long term if you don’t address this,

What are you talking about? OP can't name the child so is using other descriptors.

How are you inferring that OP has a problem with this child? I'm not picking it up. I'd also like to see where OP has provided you with her 'set up' to the degree that you can so confidently assert that 'it's not going to work out long term'.

The child being in the family home is presumably done for inclusion with the family but, as other posters have said, it's for the child's father to build up a primary relationship. It's not the same as having your own child and OP shouldn't be expected to be doing all the bending and twisting. OP's husband should be taking this little girl out separately, one-on-one time - as well as her being carefully supervised in his house with his family.

... and then your subsequent post is accompanied by a humphy face at being lumped in with other posters who are dashing in to swipe at the OP. If the cap fits...

Regardless of how nice you are to her, they may well be undercurrents and complicated feelings that you’re DS is picking up on.

There Your

Good grief there's a lot of shit people on here! A woman's OH cheated on her at 38 weeks pregnant, she's welcomed and facilitated contact with the kid and you give her shit for her language!

You're a better person than I am OP, OH and his affair kid would be out my door permanently.

@Rukaya

But yes, we are all cunts for saying what we see hmm

For saying what you have invented, yes you are.

What has been invented? OP hasn’t referred to the child once as DD, or even DH’s DD - standard MN references to children. An element of detachment from the child comes across in her post. Picked up by many. And the advice is simply to address this. No one is tearing the OP apart, just acknowledging it.

It’s not noble/brave/amazing to stay with a cheating husband and accept his child if you can’t accept and call that child your DD.

Holding access visits outside the home isn’t going to help the OP bond with the child. The DD needs to be treated as one of her own and I doubt she would be considering temporarily relocating one of her own children whilst she addressed behavioural issues in another.

Blackcat88 Thu 01-Apr-21 11:11:32
I’m shocked people are jumping on the OP. Unfortunately this child is the product of an affair, and as long as no one refers to her as this in RL then what’s the problem with OP saying it amongst us?
..
I agree.

I think the op is doing well with this little girl.

Hey OP, I have a son with ASD. Even before his diagnosis at 6, we noticed that he dealt better with "the day" when he had visual reminders that helped him. So pretty early on, we made a visual routine and house rules (with funny images) he could understand.

When his first niece was born, he was 3. The times he saw her in the weekends, he never hit her, but had frequent meltdowns if he noticed her getting more attention than him from grown ups. I think, looking back, he was worried/uncertain about his position, if that makes sense?

Seeing kids that age don't really understand all their feelings, we made a "Mood Chart" together, we took photo's of him looking angry, sad, smiley,.... And every day he could use that chart if he wanted to. It helped my son to name and deal with a lot of emotionally charged moments. We also let him put toys away he didn't wish to share, and some others he only wanted to use when nice was there.

A countdown as PP suggested, would probably help a great deal too.

OP, this will pass. Especially when you don't stop addressing this kind of behaviour, you will get your son to understand what is expected of him in life, he is very young still.

I doubt she would be considering temporarily relocating one of her own children whilst she addressed behavioural issues in another.

It's interesting you should say that as if you read my posts I also said i was considering removing DS from the home (to go out with me) for the duration of her visits, to protect her.

Ignore the sheep piling on about your phrasing.

My feeling is that as she only comes infrequently your son has to get used to her again and he finds the fact she's his sister but nothing living with you confusing.

As for judging you staying, fgs don't give free rein for that on here ! I certainly don't judge you and it says more about the people banging on about the terminology in a negative light that in you.

Ignore The silly word pendants....if I was in your shoes the thing that would upset and drive me raging with jealousy is the fact I have to go the rest of my life with a child with exhausting additional needs ( have you had time to mourn for your "normal" child yet? )the OW gets sweet situation whereby weekends off from her healthy child well looked after by a nice dad and step mum ( apart from her child getting hit) OW has come out if this laughing
Your OP should have asked how to deal with THAT

No this child shouldn't be pushed out. Why not arrange for the other child to be away when she comes.

I'm sorry OP, there are some very unkind people here, I am quite sure you were only laying out the situation so as not to dripfeed. If you had not made this little girl's roots clear they would be the one's asking why you got pregnant again so quickly or why you have moved in with a man who had a child so recently. Please ignore these people. Hopefully removing your son for a while after he has hurt his sister and reminding him that you only use kind hands and modelling good behaviour towards her the situation will resolve itself. And well done you for accepting this child into your family, it can't have been easy

The little girl sounds like a sweetheart and I think it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her. I agree with a pp who said you son might struggle with her coming and going so often - transitions can be very difficult for children with ASD and sibling jealousy is completely understandable in this situation.

Does he know when she is going to come? I would make sure you do lots of preparing of him for her arrival. Talk about her coming the day before, remind him that she is coming on the day she is coming, let him know when she will be arriving in a minute and what you will all be doing and when she leaves let him know when she will be coming again (all in a very positive way).

Perhaps every time she arrives you could have the same little routine, they both have a nice little snack and you read them a short story or just something simple like that that you can do every time so he has that routine to make him feel safe and know what is going to happen.

Do you have pictures of her up around the house to keep her presence there even when she's at her mum's? I would keep talking about her when she's not there as well. Also as another pp said does she have her own toys there, just for her, so she is not using his things and he doesn't consider her toys his? Sharing is a lovely idea but he's not ready for that with her yet, and might be very protective of his belongings.

Having as much routine in place when she comes will really help too - especially if it's a routine that is maintained when she is not there. If everything is different when she's there he will probably find that very difficult and just want her gone so he can have his normal routine back.

If he can cope with it and there are things he really likes doing you could try doing them when she is there, ie if he really likes collecting stones then take them both stone collecting every time she comes and it gives her visit a positive association.

There might also be somethign that is triggering this that you just haven't realised. It might be worth noting down every time it happens and seeing if you can find any pattern, what they were doing, time of day, what you were doing etc could it be when your lo gets tired or hungry or when you've spent a long time playing with sd or because she has (innocently) done something in particular. It might just be completely unpredictable but worth looking at.

It's a lot of trial and error for what works for your ds and calm consistency every time he goes to hit her. Remember he's very young and they will get there if you keep up the good work x

I can't even bring myself to read this.

Why bother 'accepting' the situation (your cheating partner who will definitely cheat again if he's already gotten away with it when a child was conceived) if you're going to label this poor toddler an 'affair child'? That's absolutely disgusting.

You need some autism specific advice here for the children OP, do you have a local autism trust you can approach for advice? 3 is very young to get a diagnosis, are you being offered support as a family?
My DS went through a thumpy phase when he started school, we read lots of story books with him, Hands are not for Hitting, Angry Arthur and had lots of chats about what can we do when we're angry. Running outside, hitting an angry cushion etc.

@Mrgrinch

I can't even bring myself to read this.

Why bother 'accepting' the situation (your cheating partner who will definitely cheat again if he's already gotten away with it when a child was conceived) if you're going to label this poor toddler an 'affair child'? That's absolutely disgusting.

Yet you did. And bothered further to heap judgement on the OP. It's not her who is disgusting.

@relaxingforme

I don't care how a child is conceived yet I know many hit each other at this age autism or not Any sibling related or similar age child with or without autism or does not socialise is bound to play up Use time out and explain simply as a teacher would. Stop calling her affair child it is disgusting! Sibling rivalry is a common factor-- sibling not affair child God you make me sick

The fact that you decided to come on here and bully an innocent woman who's just looking for advice with a difficult situation would make plenty of others sick! Catch a grip of yourself.

I take my hat off to you op, my ds has autism and is nearly 3 and I have found the last few years incredibly difficult. Without meaning to I have watched other children develop typically and compared, it can be upsetting so I can’t even imagine what you have had to go through accepting your dh child of a near similar age into your home. I actually think you’re very selfless and I don’t think many people could do what you have.
As for behaviour I find it best to walk away from ds when he is being aggressive any moving of him from one room to another or sitting him on a step just results in him getting more attention. I would leave the room with your dsd also I would reward him when he plays nicely along side her saying something like “nice playing” hopefully he will soon make the connection.
The thing is he is behaving in a typical way for a 3yo like some previous posters have said but with autism you can’t deal with it in a typical way as children with autism often have a lack of understanding. Good luck op.

Op I think you’re fabulous! I don’t think I could do what you’ve done. I like to think I could but I know deep down it would emotionally tear me apart. I have total respect for you

All the posters tearing you apart with their sanctimonious BS I’d love to see how they would react in the same situation. When it’s all hypothetical you can be as high and might as you please but I bet the realities wouldn’t even touch the imaginations.

I have an autistic 2.5 yr old and it’s bloody tough! Hats off to you dealing with all the emotions and issues that come with that alone plus an affair and accepting your husbands child into your family. You are a wonderful woman

That's a great post @Tal45.

Thelegohooverer gave you very good advice on pg 2 .
Do that, and maybe leave the thread. Some people have been ridiculously harsh. This isn’t your fault and you’re doing your best.

@Mrgrinch

I can't even bring myself to read this.

Why bother 'accepting' the situation (your cheating partner who will definitely cheat again if he's already gotten away with it when a child was conceived) if you're going to label this poor toddler an 'affair child'? That's absolutely disgusting.

Oh please stop it and read the whole thread for goodness sake!

The op is not calling the child anything other than her name in real life. However she was conceived during an affair.

Op is doing well with the little girl of whom she is very fond indeed.