My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

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I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

@PurpleRainDancer

‘Affair child’ bloody hell give your head a wobble OP that’s a horrid term for your partners daughter.

But she was the result of an affair! Not her fault and OP is fully aware of that, doesn't change how she was conceived......can't believe the vitriol OP is getting, as far as I can see she's been nothing but kind and accepting!

Perhaps you need to take him out whilst your DH cares for his child? I really don’t think this little girl should be exposed to your son’s violence. I appreciate he has special needs but it is really unacceptable and he needs specialist help.

Gosh the vipers are out today. When he does this with other children how is this resolved? I think you maybe need to switch tact but I have no idea on how to deal with autism in such a young child. Part of me would try and ignore his behaviour and remove the other child, take her to another room or pick her up and play with her.

OP take no notice of the bitching. I would have described the situation as you have, all facts. You are also a better person than me because I'd have struggled with that and you are clearly a lovely person.

I can advise on ASD son though. I have one. He also struggled with younger children and would do things to "see what happened" if he did. It was awful and I had to draw away from play dates and be absolutely vigilant at any groups. I did much the same as you do. Removed him from the situation, time out, rinse and repeat. It did eventually work but not before he'd hit a friends child over the head with a hard plastic hammer 🙁. Your situation is difficult as the child is staying at your home. I can say that son is now a lovely gentle boy and loves little ones. It's taken a while.

My niece is autistic and I try to give her parents a break occasionally and bring her to my house. I have 4 children, 2 older and 2 younger than my niece. For a long time she treated the 2 younger children quite badly but was great with the older kids. As my 3rd reached a similar developmental stage as my niece the relationship improved. She still treats my youngest very badly and if we have her over at all then my husband will take the youngest out. I felt very conflicted because I want to help support her parents and it's her autism that's the main issue but I need to protect my children too.
Obviously it's different in your case because they are half siblings. You may need behaviour support management.

Why call her 'affair child' and not 'step daughter'

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

@customwatkins

Why call her 'affair child' and not 'step daughter'

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

No it's not. She was laying out the facts. She has welcomed a child that her husband conceived with another woman while OP was pregnant, into her home and cared for her while she's there. She's a better person than I am because I couldn't do it. I love all these people making bitchy remarks while never having had to deal with that sort of shit

@customwatkins

Why call her 'affair child' and not 'step daughter'

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

Literally nobody cares

God, it's still rumbling on.

You know all the nitpicking assholes who are analysing OP's every last phrase? If she'd said "step daughter" or "niece who visits each week" or whatever else a) the suggestions might have been different and b) the same nitpicking assholes would have dug into the OP until she "confessed" the circumstances, and then had a field day because she hadn't been upfront about it and that was clearly the underlying issue, sod her DS's autism. Incredible.

Give less attention to ds and more to dsd when it happens. Be consistent. He shouldn't get your undivided attention for bad behaviour- remove him and return to dsd. He should be punished not told off- so remove a toy/naughty spot etc.

@customwatkins

Why call her 'affair child' and not 'step daughter'

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

Becuase she's not her step daughter.

@Wanderlust20

Actually, the more I think about it, if OP was to use the term "sister" people would just wonder why she can't handle her own children. But the girl isn't her daughter so it was relevant to explain this, as it makes the delicate situation more complex.

Exactly.

And if OP had described the child as her 'step-daughter', or as the 'child her OH had with his ex...' that doesn't describe the situation anywhere near clearly and OP would have pounced on for drip-feeding.

From experience with 2 autistic boys I'd say that change to the household is unsettling. If the OP's DS can't measure time (likely at that age) as far as he is concerned a competition for his parents time, affection, his toys etc just appears at random and he is expected to suck it up. Look at all the threads about MIL coming on holiday/people invited themselves for Christmas/DH mates always round to see how adults on here actually like interlopers in their activities. Now put yourself in the shoes of a little boy with additional needs. From the DS's perspective it doesn't matter who the child is or what the adults think, she's in his spot as Sheldon would say. I'd bet that punishment, ignoring etc will also make the behaviour worse as he will associate his rival with his parents anger or withdrawal. Every time she's here I get told off right? Therefore if she just cleared off I'd get my fun and loving parents back. It's very very tricky to parent an autistic child anyway let alone in such a difficult and emotionally fraught scenario. The OP may well not have chosen to add another sibling to her family and this has been foisted onto her too. I'd be inclined to set boundaries for the visiting child re DS's room, belongings etc so he doesn't feel so invaded. No forced jollity or sharing. And in the event of conflict OP takes DS and calms him down time in style while DH takes the other child. And watch out for trigger points such as just before meals (hangry?), later on (tired?), overstimulated etc. I found that preempting behaviour can help.

Please don't stop her from coming round, or make your partner see her elsewhere. This will just make things so much worse in the long run. The hitting phase will pass.

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

Your attitude to OP is disgusting.

I would treat your son with as much empathy as possible here, there seems to be some pain towards the other child and he's acting out. Hes obviously come into a stressful environment what with the affir happening during and just as he was born. There is a reason for this behaviour and punishing him will make it worse.

He needs to see you fully accept the little girl and treat her/talk about her in exactly the same way as your other children. Hes sensing something here and acting it out. Never under any circumstances leave them alone. Play with both of them together and teach him how to take turns. If he won't, then remove him from the situation and try again next time. Talk about her positively when she's not there I.e, shall we buy this for xx she likes that colour.

Most of all his dad needs to be showing them the same amount of love when she's there. I suspect the dad has a lot of work to do here to address this behaviour, hes the one that needs to dig very deeply.

@sykadelic My son has been using ProLoquo2go for over eight years on an iPad. He is severe SN and used an iPad to communicate. It changed our lives. It is amazing

@notanothersaveusername Wow we paid $250 or so 8 years ago and just load it onto an iPad-the features make it so easy! I wonder if is cheaper in the US vs UK

I'm considering speaking to OH about the possibility of having her on extra days,

The person you need to speak to is her mother. Your husband mimimised his son's behaviour when speaking to you and he can't be telling her mother the whole truth either or surely she would not agree to let her DD spend more time with your son who hits her. Her father seems to have no protective instinct towards his own daughter, rather he seems generally content to let females suffer from male behaviour while the males go through a difficult phase.

I find it hard to believe the girl's mother feels as little as her father. But if you are not in communication with the girl's mother then her father controls the narrative. Yes she may know that your DS is challenging but it's not likely that he's told her that DD is getting hit by a bigger boy every time she visits. And how else would she find out?

I think you’re a kinder person than I am to welcome the little girl into your family.

That said, I wonder if you should post on the SN board as it seems to be a behavioural problem with your DS. My son is autistic, it’s hard and I sympathise.

[quote EKGEMS]@notanothersaveusername Wow we paid $250 or so 8 years ago and just load it onto an iPad-the features make it so easy! I wonder if is cheaper in the US vs UK [/quote]
I bought it (P2Go) a while ago with the add on with different symbols, so now the cost would be £130 plus £50. £180
Snap plus core is only £48 in comparison, and very similar although it uses different symbols. Both for iPad.

You can get them half price often on world autism day.

@Hyppogriff

Maybe don’t call her the ‘affair child’ ?!

Why? She’s just explaining it to mumsnet for simplicity sake

@customwatkins

Why call her 'affair child' and not 'step daughter'

Your attitude to an innocent child is disgusting.

Omg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 wow

Tored

“I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am”

Which is coming from you, whether you are willing to accept that or not.