My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

I'm not even going to acknowledge the posts implying I'm unkind towards/about her as it's total rubbish. You have no idea how I treat her and I can assure you it's well. She's extremely fond of me and actually prefers to play with me rather than OH most of the time. She's a sweet little girl and I'm fond of her.

He’s autistic and 3, there is no hope of this changing without specialist intervention techniques and they’ll take a long time to implement. Best thing for everyone is if your DP sees the girl elsewhere.

He's under a paediatrican and has an appointment coming up in a few weeks so I plan to raise it with her, I agree it's going to take specialist intervention.

I'm also considering taking DS out for the duration when she comes so her contact isn't disrupted but we can ensure her safety.

FFS people stop blaming the OP for her child's behaviour there is another parent involved! Her husband! Maybe he's got something say in the matter.
What does your husband suggest to do about your son? How does he help?

You do have a lot on your plate. I'm really sorry what you're going through.

Why would you hope it's not jealousy? That's an extremely normal emotion for a small child, why would you hope it's not that?

If this has nothing to do with how she was conceived, why have you posted for advice in Relationships rather than Parenting?

@GrumpyHoonMain

He’s autistic and 3, there is no hope of this changing without specialist intervention techniques and they’ll take a long time to implement. Best thing for everyone is if your DP sees the girl elsewhere.

That may be correct for your autistic child, but certainly isn't for the majority.

OP I do agree with this pp that you should talk to a child or family psychologist with autism experience about both the best approach for the behaviour but also for the family unit. Seeing her separately might be very damaging for this girl's relationship with her father, the best option may instead be for your son to be elsewhere, or to manage it differently.

There's also understandably a lot of undercurrent among the parents that might not be helping, no matter how much everyone is doing their best to behave appropriately.

However, I have made a conscious effort to welcome her and I'm kind to her. She's a lovely child.

That’s laudable but subconsciously this situation continues to erode you emotionally.

You have made huge huge sacrifices to date maybe it’s not tolerable to you?

You also have the challenge of raising an autistic little boy. This is what your finite headspace, emotional and physical energy needs to be dedicated to - not drained by this arrangement you likely made in good faith before your little boy was diagnosed.

It’s not about the little girl. It’s about watching the betrayal of you and your unborn son played out right under your nose relentlessly.

That’s tough. You don’t have to endure that in any circumstance - and especially if you have the additional challenges of a child with autism. Give yourself a break, cut out this stress so that you can be the best parent to you little boy by being emotionally calm. He needs you because his other parent wasn’t there for him and could betray again. Assuming your little boys older step siblings are your DH’s? Has he form?

What is your DH’s approach to this? How is he assessing it?

@thelegohooverer

He's told firmly "no hitting, kind hands" and redirected to play elsewhere

There’s a lot of attention in this response. For a neuro typical child this would be very effective. With autism any attention can fuel the fire.

I would suggest giving zero attention to this behaviour. Step between him and the girl, play/soothe/engage with her. Don’t make eye contact or verbally reference the behaviour for him.

It’s very counter intuitive but this is an extremely effective response to aggression. You only have to ignore the behaviour. If he tries to join in with you and her, react positively. If he speaks to you react positively. It’s not about punishing him it’s about eliminating that particular behaviour.

Also try and teach him an appropriate way of showing upset, at other times when he’s in the moment.

The trick is to ignore the wrong behaviour, and replace it with an appropriate one. It’s a two pronged approach.

This is really good advice thank you, I have taken it on board

Are her weekly visits long? Do you think he could be over-stimulated with another toddler in the house, then it’s a week before he sees her so the cycle starts again?

Would more frequent visits help him adjust to having her around?

This is common with autistic children. My ds who has grown up with his little sister went through a phase of targeting her. What would you do if this was one of your own children? You would try and work through it. I think that is what you should do here. You have put 'affair child' to excuse what you are thinking of doing which is to force the contact elsewhere. Your husband's behaviour was shit but you should have decided to bin him when it happened. It really would be wrong to punish this child for his behaviour unless this is just a way to punish him in a roundabout way. If so, maybe you haven't forgiven him and need to think about whether you ever will.

Ignore the comments that are unnecessarily harsh! I can only imagine how hard it must be to accept this child at all. You’ve come here for advice to help improve the situation for her so obviously care.

I wouldn’t compare with him not hitting the older siblings, with them being bigger this has probably influenced him to avoid them. I’ve no advice to give because I don’t know how to help. Does your ds receive any support for autism that might have ideas?

What do you do when he behaves incorrectly in other ways op? Is there a way to punish or is this not feasible? A way for him to face consequences for his actions or due to his autism is it not an option?

On a seperate note,I am also astounded at how you can do this, to face your husband being unfaithful, and at the worst time, when you’re pregnant, and then to not just stay with him but to then to be with his child is like this is astonishing.

Can you ask family services and the paediatric doctor about how to deal with this.

I have an adopted dd and she has various behavioural issues which I have to deal with very differently to my birth child if she did the same thing. What's good consequences for a NT child might not be for others.

I think OP made a reasonable outline of the situation

She needed to explain she was still with her husband and he has access every weekend

Otherwise it would be confusing and posters asking why OP sees the child who’s younger and her husbands

Most woman don’t stay after an affair, so this is a unique situation.

Explained perfectly.

Personally OP I think you are a bloody Saint but it’s not enough for some people on here apparently.
Is this girl the closest one to him in terms of age/size? Do you think he sees her as an easy target? Also, she doesn’t live with you so despite her spending time there he may see her as an “intruder”

@TheUnwindingCableCar

Afair child?

Also, I can't imagine knowing a child, a child I have chosen to accept into my family, from birth, and only liking her. How can you not love her as her own person?

I'm not sure it's your son with the issues.

Oh give over Sanctimonious rubbish

@minou123

I hope this doesn't offended you Tored, because this is quite sensitive for you, but your solution only benefits you.

Asking your OH to have contact elsewhere, is going to negatively impact your DS and your step DD.

Both children will learn that

1. If you don't like someone you can just hit them and the adults will remove that person.
2. If you are getting hit, you are to blame and your punishment is to be removed from the family.

I sympathise that it is really hard for you, but I think you need to continue reinforcing hitting is wrong and applying age appropriate consequences for that behaviour.

No offence taken whatsoever, thank you for your perspective. I can see your point.

Ideally we wouldn't need to separate them as the M.O from the start was to integrate them and proceed as a blended family, OH saw her independently to begin with to build a bond and then she was introduced to me and our family.

It would be incredibly sad all round to now have to unblend.

It was just an option I considered for her sake above all else.

I appreciate the perspectives here.

FFS do we have to pick apart everything in an OP before we give people our support?

It must take a lot for the OP to be constantly reminded of her husband’s infidelity.

OP, this sounds like a very difficult situation. I would introduce harsher consequences, not just telling off but a physical removal and an immediate naughty step with no toys. Use words the first three times then just remove him and punish him straight away without words.

I agree, I think if you hadn't called her "affair child" people would be asking how your DS has a half-sibling younger than him when your DH is his biological father, I think it's an ok way of summing up the situation.

I don't think avoiding having his half-sister visit is an option really, it certainly doesn't sound sustainable. I'm wondering if there's some jealousy there, as younger child may need a higher level of interaction / personal care and may also play with toys that are "his" the other 6 days which is confusing.

Perhaps a box of toys that only come out when she's round, so they're not DS's. Consistency with how you deal with hitting and maybe think about introducing some sort of social story or a weekly calendar so he knows Jane is coming in 3 / 2 / 1 sleeps. Some children also cope well with daily plan, maybe with visual cues showing what's happening now and next. It might help him learn to cope with what is (to him) an invasion of space.

Tored personally I think your an extraordinary person for welcoming your husband's affair child in to your family home.
To have somehow overcome your problems to get to where you are now is amazing.
Sod the PC brigade telling you what terminology you should use. Your not here for that. I have an autistic grandchild and they are just not aware of other childrens feelings and find it hard to operate outside there own self orietated environment.

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

It wasn't easy but I had processed my feelings long before meeting her so by the time I was introduced I was already prepared.

Despite the circumstances I'm happy to say we have quite a nice relationship and she's very taken with me.

It's sad that DS has identified her as competition/ a negative.

I agree it's predominantly due to his autism, he just doesn't understand.

Hi OP sorry you are getting really bizarre and aggressive responses to your OP. You would have been asked why the sibling was younger if you had not given context so it makes sense for you to have cleared that up in the OP. I am really impressed about how you are trying to involve her in tour life, your actions towards this child speak volumes about who you are as a person.

To address your question as a parent of a child with ASD. I would say maybe the fact she did younger and close in age is what is precipitating the push back from your son. He sees he as a threat to his “stuff” I.e you, your DH, his interests and toys etc.

I would strongly recommend perseverance, kind gentle and tolerant perseverance for the longer term goal of fully blending the family. The only caveat I would include is that your DH needs to form a very strong bond with his daughter so that she feels that she will be cared for even if your son pushes etc her. Think about your other kids, because they are securely attached to your DH and you they will take a few knocks on and off from their siblings on the chin because they know overall that they are safe.

OK, from his perspective this interloper comes into his house, plays with his grown ups and his stuff. As a toddler he is all about him and he doesn't like the above.

He needs a very firm consequence for this behaviour. In my setting we do a very firm no, removal and calm down in the calm down area. I prefer to use a time on rather than time out for some children. So one of us comforts the injured party and the other has the hitter with them talking about the behaviour. A second offence leads to toys being removed / not choosing the story that day / removal of a privilege.

We model kind behaviour, kind voices, encourage cooperative games like jigsaws ( with very close supervision). Lots of outdoor time, playground, walks and puddle jumps.

Hope that helps

@thelegohooverer

He's told firmly "no hitting, kind hands" and redirected to play elsewhere

There’s a lot of attention in this response. For a neuro typical child this would be very effective. With autism any attention can fuel the fire.

I would suggest giving zero attention to this behaviour. Step between him and the girl, play/soothe/engage with her. Don’t make eye contact or verbally reference the behaviour for him.

It’s very counter intuitive but this is an extremely effective response to aggression. You only have to ignore the behaviour. If he tries to join in with you and her, react positively. If he speaks to you react positively. It’s not about punishing him it’s about eliminating that particular behaviour.

Also try and teach him an appropriate way of showing upset, at other times when he’s in the moment.

The trick is to ignore the wrong behaviour, and replace it with an appropriate one. It’s a two pronged approach.

This way of dealing with it can be very effective.

@TheUnwindingCableCar

Afair child?

Also, I can't imagine knowing a child, a child I have chosen to accept into my family, from birth, and only liking her. How can you not love her as her own person?

I'm not sure it's your son with the issues.

You cant imagine? I can’t imagine even allowing this child within a mile of my house. I know it’s not her fault but she is a constant reminder of what OPs husband did and she’s handling it with more grace than most. Have some bloody compassion for what she’s dealing with

A few things here to unpick.

1. I do think there is something to be said for children unconsciously picking up on adult feelings. It sounds like it was a really difficult time for all of you but it's great that you have worked through it and have his daughter as a part of your family. I think a moments reflection on how you really feel about it might be a good idea though, as you could be unconsciously passing a message on.

2. Your son is probably struggling too as it's weekly visits. It prolongs getting to know each other and I guess he might feel his space is invaded each week. They are of similar age and his autism (and therefore probably a love of routine) will make this harder. Have you ever tried showing him a picture of her everyday and just reminding him that she visits? 5 days is a long time for a small child. I think reminding him might help him to accept her.

3. I don't think contact elsewhere is the answer if she is to become part of your family.