My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

Honestly imagine if the OP hadn’t told us the child was a result of an affair. The accusations of drip feeding she would have got!

@Tored

I agree with PP above that the usual strategies don't work with autistic children.

I suggest you try posting this (or getting the thread moved) to SEN Chat. You might get some more constructive advice on how to deal with the behaviour there.

For heavens sake. The OP found out she was being cheated on when about to give birth and now has a 3 year old with autism which is incredibly difficult in itself. She will be dealing with all the grief of the affair, outting it behind her, having a child with SEN and welcoming another child into her home. Shje is concerned about this child, she is trying to ask for ways in which to get her DS to stop hitting the child. Affair child might be an unfortunate turn of phrase, but it gives the context of the situaiton she is in. I have a child with autism and it broke my heart in the early days seeing how different he was to other kids his age and trying to manage it, work it all out. The OP has a whole fuck ton of shit landed into her lap and she is asking for help to stop her own child hurting another.

Would it hurt to have compassion- to have respect for the very real, very difficutl situation the OP is in and try and help her?

You say you redirect his behaviour but is he experiencing any negative consequences for hitting her? Such as time out or sth? It’s very hard when children are that small but it seems a shame for meetings to have to be elsewhere if her visits to the house are otherwise successful and enjoyable.

He's given time out yes, we remove him from the situation and take him into another room (usually the one where his sensory things are)

You have to keep things short with DS otherwise he just can't process what you're saying, so we do a firm "No, you don't hit (her name) it's naughty"

When he has calmed down he's told to apologise and he does.

She accepts this and doesn't appear to hold grudges, yet.

The plan is to explain to her in an age appropriate way, when she can understand, that DS has a disability and that can mean he doesn't understand why doing certain things is bad and he doesn't understand how that can make people feel.

Though I don't want to be 'that parent' who uses autism as an excuse to justify being violent to other children. Its definitely a contributing factor but we can't allow it to continue.

First and foremost you have to keep the girl safe.
That possibly means always being close to them / between them if they are in the same room. Never letting them be unsupervised together or in a situation where your DS can get to her without you running interference.
Past that I don't know. This seems to be an ASD issue so i suggest you post on the SN Chat.

@TheUnwindingCableCar

Afair child?

Also, I can't imagine knowing a child, a child I have chosen to accept into my family, from birth, and only liking her. How can you not love her as her own person?

I'm not sure it's your son with the issues.

Oh for goodness sake, give it a bloody rest would you??!! The child is the result of an affair, hence the expression!

OP doesn't have to love this child, she is not their parent. If she does love her, that's a bonus, if not, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Please don't come here to make people feel bad about themselves.

OP, in my opinion it might be best to cut the contact between the children by half e.g instead of every week, every other week. That way your DC will continue to see his sister, but you won't have to stress as much if that makes sense?

Tbh your sons behaviour just sounds like a phase from what you describe, pretty sure it will stop over time.

I think you're absolutely incredible for accepting this child into your family, you're only human so it would have been understandable if you couldn't IMHO. Good for you!

thelegohoover has given some great autism specific advice there. I have found some PDA responses from kids with autism means that they do not respond to “neurotypical” discipline methods well.

I'm struggling to keep up with the replies but will respond to everything, we're going out this morning (she's with us today and we're going to the park) but I'll sit down properly and go through everything when home again.

Thank you for all of the replies

@Lessthanaballpark

Honestly imagine if the OP hadn’t told us the child was a result of an affair. The accusations of drip feeding she would have got!

It's not that she said that - it's that she put it in the headline, and as an adjective.

Would be the same as anything else. 'I'm tired of sharing a WFH office with DH' feels very different to 'I'm tired of sharing a WFH office with ginger-haired DH'. We'd know that DH had no say in his hair colour, but you'd clearly take away that OP had an conscious or sub-conscious major issue with it, no matter how much she denied it or was nice about him later.

I don't understand the hate you are getting here, it takes a special person to accept a child into their lives in those circumstances.

Sorry I don't have any advice about the hitting but just wanted to say well done, that must have been extremely hard for you

I think it’s amazing that you’ve been able to welcome a child conceived through an affair by your DH into your family in such a personal way. That shows a tremendous amount of compassion and understanding and I think it’s extremely admirable. I hope your DH realises how bloody lucky he is.

Ignore the posters here who seem to only be able to fix on one factual term you used here. Sorry I can’t offer any advice regarding your DS’s behaviour but I hope you find a solution.

Most of the time he's ok with other children but there has been a handful of occasions at nursery where he has hit out, usually there's a trigger (like a child taking his toy or knocking over his tower) but in this case there are no triggers, she doesn't do anything to provoke him whatsoever.

The trigger at your house is a form of jealousy i imagine (natural in a 3 year old) resulting in the same reaction as when he hits out at nursery.

You've had some great advice here, and i agree that stopping contact wont help in the long run. Good luck OP

It was just an option I considered for her sake above all else.

I can understand that Tored

I think, reading between the lines, your real concern is that you have been dealing with your DS hitting the best you can - and you are doing a brilliant job - but you are frustrated that no matter what you do, his behaviour isn't changing. And you are maybe becoming frustrated and trying to find any solution.
Would that be fair?

I think the advice from thelegohooverer is excellent. I think maybe joining forums or groups with parents in the same situation will give you lots of different techniques to try.

I honestly don’t know what thread you are reading overtherubicon I’m reading one where a woman who found out one of the worst things you can find out in life at 38 weeks pregnant has put aside her hurt to try to get on and make the best of an incredibly difficult situation. Sure she may have worded something in her OP slightly clumsily but her actions show that she is an incredibly caring and magnanimous person.

OP you sound amazing in difficult circumstances.
Both children are lucky to have you.

No need for some of the reactions on here.

Is he better when you are outside the home, for example in the park? It might be the fact that he sees her invading his home/his safe haven. Maybe spending more time out of the home with both of them could build up their relationship.

It's probably pure jealousy at what he sees as the interloper.

He's the little one at home and then his younger sibling comes and he doesn't like the potential to have to share attention.

He'd probably be exactly the same if you had another baby.

@Tored can’t win here. If she hadn’t made reference to the child being the result of an affair but that came later, you’d have all accused her or drip feeding.

My thoughts are that this happens with siblings sometimes. Consistency in how you deal with your son will help over time. You say he’s autistic; you might want to seek specific support to help, as it will be differ to how many of us handle our 3 yo’s.

Good lord, some of the responses on here! You’re a better person than me OP, with your patience.

I don’t have experience with autism so I can’t comment on specific strategies but from a general “three year old dealing with two year old visiting once a week” pov I wonder about a) reminding him on other days as PP suggested and b) finding something special (for DS) to do when she’s visiting - is there a game / kind of game he likes to play that is less likely to result in hitting? Something that the four of you can do together? A treat he likes that he can associate with her?

There are plenty of ways she could have told us the child was conceived in an affair without labelling the child as an "affair child"

And now people are suggesting the daughter be relegated to once a fortnight visits? Poor kid.

Your son is 3. Autism or not three year olds do not play well with other kids. Deal with it the same way you would if the daughter was biologically yours and you couldn't bin her off.

Or cut your losses and let her enjoy her life. Your husband is a dick anyway. No great loss.

A lot of the advice here is aimed at a NT DC and will not be helpful for an autistic DC. OP, have you sought proper advice from professionals who can help you with parenting solutions for autistic DC? I ask, because a good friend of mine has an autistic DS. He was just like your DS at that age - he was violent to other DC, he was very destructive around the house and the kind of interventions that work with NT DC simply didn't work with him. She was at the end of her tether and eventually she was offered a parenting course via her GP or health visitor for parents of autistic DC. The methods they taught her finally helped and that's what you need. I suggest you talk to your GP or health visitor and perhaps call The National Autistic Society for advice. You need specialist help - not randoms on the internet giving you well-meaning, but quite possibly unhelpful advice.

My God there are some vile preachy people on here!!! Its funny that if she had said she left the bastard and her children will never ever see this child that would be fine. But no, she tries to bring the child into the family and she ( not lying cheating DH btw!!!) Is a monster! I think you are amazing OP and i can bet that every single person who is making nasty comments is doing so because they know deep down they would never have the strength to do what you are doing !!! Oh and btw as a step mother I know from previous posts you could be the virgin fucking Mary and you would still be in the wrong !

The piling on to the OP is derailing her thread and that's not fair. She's referred to the child as 'affair child' to illustrate, not to condemn. Stop being so pathetic and dogged about it.

thelegohooever's post is really great advice, I would have probably followed what you did, OP, it sounds good but I can see now that it wouldn't have worked with your boy.

Best wishes to you, I hope your husband is putting in the hard work needed.

I think the fact that she is a half sibling as a result of an affair is relevant. If it was a full sibling they would be there ALL the time. If it was a cousin or a friend it would be a lot less.

So that I think is key she is there enough that it is disruptive but not so much that he is used to her. She comes and goes - and presumably when she is there they are together and play together (which isnt always true of siblings who manage to get more time apart).

Then he is in timeout with her and has negative associations with that. I am not sure regular short burst are working - could you have her for a longer period perhaps.

And take some professional advice - it wouldnt be an easy mix coupled with his needs it will take time and approach