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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me, or is he just horrible?

273 replies

DuchessHastingss · 27/03/2021 19:19

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

OP posts:
Boho7 · 27/03/2021 19:22

No

Blanca87 · 27/03/2021 19:22

Dump the prick

LancesGold · 27/03/2021 19:23

It's not just you. He's horribleSad

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/03/2021 19:23

No it's not normal. He absolutely shouldn't be telling the children to ignore you, or counteracting your previous sanctions. That's not how you behave in a parenting and in a loving relationship.

biggreengrinch · 27/03/2021 19:27

You know it's not or you wouldn't be asking.

Do you need advice on how to leave?

RandomMess · 27/03/2021 19:35

Sounds horrific Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 19:35

You know indeed it’s not you but him. I am not surprised to read that there is a lot of background too.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he together still?.

Original poster
DuchessHastingss · 27/03/2021 19:36

I have told him it’s the final straw. I just keep doubting myself and he keeps saying I don’t care about him, no one listens to him, I do what I want when I want etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuchessHastingss · 27/03/2021 19:37

Still together as I’m scared to break out family up
It’s difficult with finances, half renovated house etc

OP posts:
Original poster
DuchessHastingss · 27/03/2021 19:37

And if it is me then I can fix it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 19:37

Make this indeed the final straw and seek legal advice ASAP re separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power too. Stop with doubting yourself, the effects on your children of seeing all this within your home are incalculable.

Kleptronic · 27/03/2021 19:40

He is not worth your children being set against you and them being made to cry. This is very bad for your children. It's also very bad for you but I expect you can't see that right now. So, can you sort this out for their sakes?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 19:41

There is nothing for you to fix, rescue or save here. And besides which what can you do?. What you’ve tried to date with him has not worked. Women are not rehab centres for such badly raised men. Your children need to see you put them as well as you first now, not this man you call a husband.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing them?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 19:42

Better too to be from a so called broken home than to actually remain in one for spurious reasons. He is breaking up this family by his actions towards you and in turn your kids.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/03/2021 19:47

It's not you.

He's unpleasant and doesn't like you much. Also who refuses to let a kid have chocolate because it's morning?

I don't think he likes your daughters much, either.

Does he always favour your DS? Misogynistic twat. Get the kids away from him.

colouringindoors · 27/03/2021 19:49

No. He's Really horrible.

Suzi888 · 27/03/2021 19:58

No. He’s teaching your DS to treat women badly. He’s a bad dad.
Have you asked him why he’s doing this? Not sure there’s even any point. Agree with other pps, see a solicitor if you intend to divorce.

EKGEMS · 27/03/2021 20:00

Jesus, forget the other half of the damn renovation and save the money for your emotionally,verbally and psychologically abused children's therapists because they are going to need it. Your son is modeling his father's attitude and behavior. You're an adult and can make the choice to stay or walk away but not your kids.

expectopelargonium · 27/03/2021 20:01

He is abusing you, and he is abusing your children.

Despicable character.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2021 20:01

Of course it's not normal, (you know this), and you can't "fix" a bully. Your poor kids. Get the hell out of there.

Original poster
DuchessHastingss · 27/03/2021 20:24

It’s a total disaster. I wish he would leave. He said this morning he has had enough but I don’t believe him. I can’t see what I am doing for him to have enough of other than considering DC feelings

OP posts:
Threadgood · 27/03/2021 20:37

You have to understand that even if it was just you, that would still be a reason (an imperative reason, in fact) to end the relationship.

Otherwise you'd be in a position where you were unhappy, but you 'ought' to stay. As if you were 'doing something wrong' according to the 'rules' of how to have a relationship. But our emotions are the rules. There are no 'shoulds'.

You are in charge of you being happy. Choose to be around people who make you feel like you are great. Avoid people who make you feel that you're 'doing it wrong' all the time. Obviously we all have our moments, but spot the patterns and respond accordingly.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad

The kids will know that something is off. The fact that it is not spoken of makes no difference. You are teaching them, and demonstrating to them, that a normal relationship involves feeling like you're going mad, but keeping a lid on it. They will replicate this in their adult relationships, because it will feel like 'home' to them. Unless you demonstrate to them that if you're unhappy in a relationship, you leave. It really is as simple as 'monkey see, monkey do'. I was a monkey in the position of your children. I wish my mum had left my dad. It would have saved me lots of misery as an adult.

MrsKeats · 27/03/2021 21:22

I could not be bothered with all the drama of this.
I like a peaceful home.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 27/03/2021 21:34

Totally not your fault. He is a douche.

But word of advice on how you can deal with this until you make up your mind how you want to proceed - ignore. If he does something like this again don't argue with him, or even talk about it especially around your DC. Just stay quiet. I guarantee that he will start to see the error in his ways by himself due to your uncommon reaction to him if u do it enough. And if he doesn't then he doesn't have a soul and your wasting your time even thinking about this issue resolving itself now or in the future.

Peace43 · 27/03/2021 21:56

It’s not you, it’s him!