Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

Hi, I was supposed to find out about a rental today but they haven’t got back to me.
My solicitor still hasn’t returned my calls or emails, I have no idea why.
DH won’t put the house on the market until he has heard from my solicitor, I don’t think he believes I have one. He is eating my food, enjoying living in a house only I am cleaning and making little digs at every opportunity.
On a brighter note I have booked a holiday, totally can’t afford it but I completely need to get away and something to look forward too, so me and my 4 DC are off abroad all inclusive for 2 weeks in August. Not the most sensible financial decision but mental health wise it’s great, only DD1 knows, she is really excited.

I spoke to my solicitor today, he is sending me the draft divorce petition and the draft letter to DH to approve. He is a he, but he does seem to understand. He said he will have to apply to court to force the house sale for me. He asked me to get a letter from DD1 school detailing the impact on her mental health. I asked for that today and also told DC 3&4 school what is going on.
DS2 kicked me in the stomach last night and dug his nails into my arm, he punched me this morning too, his behaviour is scary, he laughs whilst he is doing it too. I have told his school.

I’m not doing his washing, or cleaning his room but it’s still me doing everything else.

I desperately want to get out of loving with DH, the house I was supposed to find out about today isn’t going to be let out for a few months.

My DD 1 is so low, the eating disorder service have made her an appointment with their consultant psychiatrist and are looking to medicate her for anxiety.

I just want to cry but if I start I won’t stop and I don’t have time to cry.

DS2 is the 8 year old, he is DH biological son.

I have organised DD1 to have counselling it is starting next week but the eating disorder service don’t recommend it at this stage as she is not able to retain information well due to her brain being starved of fats. I have organised it privately as I agree she needs a safe space to talk.

I can’t afford to stay put in the house as I can’t afford the mortgage payments. I just want it sold and to move on.

Thanks for your messages

Hi, nope, I haven’t even received the drafts to approve.
I am viewing some rentals today but the competition is so high, so many people applying for the same few houses. I told DH I will be leaving and won’t be paying half the mortgage, I asked him one more time to leave instead of uprooting DC, he ignored me and then messaged my dad asking him to talk some sense to me! My dad spoke to him, DH said his solicitor has advised him not to leave the house and to go for 50/50 custody the DC and 50% of the house. I’m worried sick about the 50/50 custody, that’s not what’s best for the DC.
I went out to dinner with some old work friends last night, he made a fuss about that and almost went out to stop me going, he only stayed as I suggested my mum would come and babysit. He keeps trying to start little arguments, he uses the side door to come in and out, on Thursday evening he had left it unlocked and when I asked him to lock it he said I had left it unlocked, I don’t even use that door, it’s just little things but it’s really getting me down. DD1 is not doing well, her anxiety is through the roof, I’m really hoping we find somewhere to rent today.

Stop letting him pick fights with you! By arguing back you're giving him exactly what he wants. ATTENTION. Ignore him and don't get dragged into petty fights about unlock doors. Look up grey rock. Everytime you think to answer, taking deep, slow breaths instead. It'll help reduce your stress.

Don't worry about custody right now. Many abusive men threaten that in the beginning to scare you into staying and get out of child support. My friend's abusive exH did the same but he barely sees them now. He doesn't want 50/50. He didn't even want to look after them on his own when you were going out.

Hi, thanks for the advice, I have been trying to grey rock him, it’s so hard when he is such an arse!
We shared the DC this weekend, he had them yesterday and took them swimming.

I found a rental! Just waiting for the reference checks but hopefully moving this weekend. I went to IKEA yesterday and got some bits for the new place. Was supposed to pick up furniture throughout the week after work as I have a big car and roof bars but this morning on my way to work I was in a car crash and my car looks like a write off. Honestly, what next!

Ah no I'm sorry about your car, it never rains but it pours

Firstly, I am in a somewhat similar situation. My DH is often really horrible to the kids and hates it if I intervene, saying that I am undermining him etc. Like you there is a ton of background stretching out over years. I felt like I was going mad too! It was like there was something not quite right but I coudn't put my finger on it. I have lost hours to google trying to work out whats going on with him and why he is the way he is - because he can also be the exact opposite - love bombing, kind etc. I recently read about something called 'covert narcissism' and it was truly a lightbulb moment. Maybe this is your husband too, or maybe not. Either way, its not you that is the problem. His anger is because he is trying to control you (and your kids). The discussion with your daughter about the pans was so familiar sounding it could easily have been my husband and daughter - he wants control and wants to be paid attention to. If he is anything like my husband he will also be very judgemental and critical - this is his way of supporting his own view of himself - that he is better than other people - by pointing out peoples every last mistake or error. Its horrible but its not your fault at all. I wish I could offer more advice - I myself havent left because there is no way I could prevent him having some sort of custody of the kids (i've checked legally) and my kids would not want to be regularly left on their own with him at all - they don't even like it if I go out for an hour and leave them at home with him. I don't know how your kids feel - do they talk to you at all about their dad? Its so hard I know but again, its not your fault. Sending love and a hand hold.

Feels like a hurricane not just pouring rain @Thatnameistaken, I was sat in traffic and the other car drove straight into the back of me doing about 30mph. I’m at the hospital now waiting to be checked over.

@birdiebooboo sounds very similar. The 2dc we have together still want to spend time with DH, he doesn’t pick on them so much.

End this horror-show of a 'relationship' NOW. He is a total dick.

Sorry hadn't RTFT - great work OP, good luck

What a shit day

Thinking of you op. I've been reading from the beginning but I don't have much to add. Just that i really proud of you and I'm pleased you are leaving him-he's vile.

Hope you aren't hurt and that you manage to get a new car soon.

Dear lord op, just rtft and I’m raging on your behalf! What a small minded, sanctimonious cunt!! 😡😡

Hi everyone, I moved into a rented house yesterday. It was a very emotional day and I’ve been having a bit of a wobble about it all, worrying I have made a mistake. I keep re reading this thread and it is helping.
DH tried to talk about the DC and when they will stay with him, he wants them every other weekend fri-mon, every Wednesday night and every Friday night. This basically gives him half (6 days out of 14). He can collect from school on Fridays so I said I am happy for him to pick them up but bring them home after dinner on my weekend, he wants them overnight (I’m guessing so he pays less maintenance), I said I’m not happy as then I never get a full weekend with them. He also can’t pick up from school on Wednesday (I do) so he would be getting his family to help, I don’t think this makes sense either when they could be with me, not his family. I am thinking of agreeing every other weekend and every Wednesday. Do you think this sounds fair?
I have to go back to the house later and get some more of my and dc things, the move yesterday was very last minute, I’m dreading all the emotions. Thanks for being there virtually

Even in a court order you can ask for the right of first refusal if he isn't going to be the one looking after them. Although would that allow you to work longer on a Wednesday and finish earlier every other Friday?

You are absolutely right to insist that your weekend is Friday to Monday like his.

What happens in school holidays short and longer term? If he has them Wednesday overnight are Thursdays his to sort out childcare for etc? Or if the DC are ill - it should be they are his from Wednesday after school until Thursday end of school.

Personally I would let him have the Wednesday from after school for 24'hours but absolutely stick to your guns over Fridays on your weekend.

That was all very practical of me!

Now I've had my morning cuppa - I hope you are ok? It's a big step forward and your older DD will be much happier I'm sure.

See he has already back down on 50:50 and just wants what is easiest for him.

I guess push on with the financials as fast as you can to either get the house sold or get an occupation order for you to live there.

Any sign of your DS moving back in with you or at least spending more time at yours?

Congratulations!!! You’re now a free woman, this is a massive step forward!