Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

Stay strong 💪🏼

Hi OP, so pleased to read your update, everything will be so much more manageable now that you're under the same roof.

My children are 13 and 18, and what have done with the 13 year old is let her pretty much decide, subject to her being with me on school nights. He lives far enough away that this is not contentious. It's hard sometimes but I don't want her to ever feel she has to fight to see him, because that plays right into his narrative.

I know your situation is different, but I think your OH is similar to mine. What he wants now is to carry on the drama, control , and fight through access to and all issues around the children. I find the best approach is to totally refuse to engage.

I haven't read back throught the whole tread so don't know your chidren's ages,so they may be too young for this approach. But something to think about. I would expect that what he will now do, if he's anything like my ex, is to try and set himself as the wronged father being denied access to his children by his spiteful ex.

So just don't play the game. No communication other than e mail. And when you send anything, imagine that it will be put in front of a judge one day. Keep the moral highground.

Well done for getting out.

Not under the same roof obvs!

Been thinking about you & your DC. Hope you're doing ok & despite the upheaval you can get some peace with freedom

Thanks for all the messages. Yes we are doing ok, my daughter seems a bit happier but I think it will take time. Younger DC are really missing DH and our cat, I have agreed to DH having them EOweekend and every Wednesday for now. He is also having them for a few hours today even though it’s my weekend because DD2 asked. I am trying to keep things friendly for DC sake, it makes it harder for me though as he is constantly on FaceTime to them which is lovely for them but feels a bit of an invasion of privacy for me. I guess this will die down in time anyway.
I keep having moments where I really miss DH, I know it’s stupid but I keep worrying that I have made a mistake. It’s hard but I’m keeping on.

I'm pleased things are going okay. Everything will feel an upheaval for you all but remember & remind yourself often, you can do this.
I'd suggest there needs to be some parameters put on the FTime. Of course being connected is good, but if you are feeling intruded upon (& undermined) then you need to be clear what is & isn't acceptable. It's not a blanket no, of course, but it is about boundaries. I'd start with a conversation with the kids & your home/family rules. Set up your new home habits & expectations. Remember that this kind of insidious behaviour & efforts to control you can still be tried remotely.
Keep on keeping on. Each day will improve & your DC will find stability

Oh & I know you want to be reasonable & flexible, but you also need to be firm & consistent. So don't flex on everything - extra hours here & there or let things fly if he contacts to say he's going to be a few hours late on his times or 'they just wanted to stay an extra night' etc. They don't know how to respond when he's pushing for stuff & they need to take the lead from you. 'That doesn't work for me' is a trusted phrase.

Thank you @trackerc.

I feel really upset today, I’m angry at the whole situation but I’m also feeling really sad and lonely.

Of course you'll be lurching from sad, to angry, to lonely, to unsure.
Just take 2 minutes to re-read some of your posts & sense the loneliness & how devalued you felt even in the relationship too.
You might need this trail to remind yourself as the weeks & months goes on, so do keep putting down your thoughts & maybe how things are going. It can sometimes be a help as a safe place to blurt things out. Anger can often be a helpful emotion.
Your title described him as horrible. Horrible people often to horrible things. You can turn tolerating a horrible life to a different life you can enjoy. Have a good week

Hi everyone, I’m hoping someone may be able to advise me. I have just discovered DH has changed the locks on our house. I have read this is not allowed and I’m so angry. What can I do?

You can calmly tell him in emails or letter through the door (CCing your solicitor) or text that he must supply you with a key to the property & asset that you share. You don’t need to be telling him what you will or won’t do. Just keep it brief & be clear that it’s not acceptable. Do not be brought into discussion/ negotiation. Please don’t show your anger. His actions indicate he’s hoping for reactions & then be able to show you up for being unhinged/overemotional.
How’s the family coping? If he’s losing his grip on them, this might be connected.

Also let him know that if he does not provide him with a copy you will arrange for a locksmith to come and enable you to gain access to your property.

Hello,
I read your thread much earlier on. It sounds like you have very much done the right thing, but I know from experience that the first months can be so difficult.

I was wondering if your lawyer has got any better. My first lawyer was dreadfully slow and I did not really have the confidence to expect better. I did change lawyers eventually and new lawyer was brilliant - very efficient and understood the situation and what best to do.

Whatever he throws at you, remember you will get to the other side of this. It is possible! You have given your older DD especially the precious gift of knowing that her well-being comes first for you and the other DC will grow up in a house free from control and abuse. I hope things settle down for you soon

Yes exactly. A polite letter saying the locks appear to have been changed. Doubtless there was a good reason but as a joint owner you must be provided with a key. If he can’t drop it around by Thursday night you will engage a locksmith on Saturday, with the title of the house as your evidence, and change the locks again. Naturally you will provide him with a key.

Emailed, cc solicitor, and I’d probably forget to provide the key for a few hours at least. I’m sorry this is going on so long, he is a complete turd.

I would ask him for a key and agree that you will let him know if and when you plan to enter.

Legally you don't have to tell him but if the roles were reversed I think its something that would be courteous to know.

He hasn't done anything wrong by changing the locks, it only becomes illegsl uf he refuses you entry when you want to go in.

I hadn’t acknowledged to him about the lock as I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. I would never have entered the house without asking him first, DS wanted something from there (most of our belongings are still there, I only moved the essentials) we were driving past and DH car was outside so I let him knock the door to ask DH for his headphones. DH did not answer, we tried phoning DH but he did not answer and DS was getting very upset that he couldn’t get them and asked me to just use my key, I agreed to unlock the door and let DS run in and get his headphones and I would wait outside, then realised the lock had been changed.
I managed to speak to my solicitor who said he will write to DH and demand he provide me with a key or we will get a locksmith to change the locks again. My solicitor has not got any better, I hadn’t heard from him in several weeks and have had no correspondence at all.
DC are ok, the girls seem happier, DD1 is much more relaxed which is lovely, we need to beat this eating disorder now. DD2 struggles with DH being demanding of her, she hates talking to him on the phone as he “just keeps talking”, she’s only 6 so I think she finds it too much FaceTiming everyday. DS2 is very angry, DH is putting his emotions on him and DS is often lashing out at me because DH is lonely now. To top it off they asked DH this week why he had changed the locks on the house and DH told them it was because he wants his privacy and so that mummy can’t steal his things!

If you’re not happy with your solicitor perhaps ask around as see if anyone can recommend a really good divorce lawyer, you don’t have to stick with that one if you don’t get on. Saying that, you could email/phone your existing lawyer and ask if she/he is too busy to deal with you and say you expect a faster service! Would suggest always having a list of questions ready so your (expensive) time is best used!
Be ready to talk a LOT with your kids about fairness, boundaries and honesty. Not in a blame way, just discuss so hopefully they with understand better. So sorry you ds is copying his father’s behaviour at times, just as well you left before it got worse. This time of change and upheaval was never going to be plain sailing but it definitely WILL get better. 💐

No that is not normal.
Neither is your son spitting at you and throwing things at you.
It sounds like sadly your son may be learning some disrespect from his father.

Please don’t just ignore it for a quiet life. Your son is learning that he can treat women this way and your daughter is learning that men are mean bullies and she is seeing her mother quietly taking it. This is storing up huge issues for the future for your kids in their own relationships as well as being intolerable for right now.

I think you need to have a serious think about your options. You need to discuss this with your husband having made a decision not to be a push over. Maybe if it’s pointed out to him then you can work on this together. If not, then you have some serious thinking to do about the future of the relationship.

Oh my… I should have read on. … I’m sorry OP, what a nightmare.

Well done for all that you have done making a better life for yourself and your children. I know it is hard but things will get better. You have so very much done the right thing.

He should be grateful you didn't take half of the furniture tbh. He's not covering himself in glory is he?
Im sorry your son is struggling with the separation.
Well done for making the move. You and your children deserve to be happy.
I hope you engage a better solicitor who will work in your favour and get your stbexh kicked into touch. You are entitled to a door key as long as your name is on the mortgage.
Try and stick to arranged contact as much as you can, he sounds like he will use anything and everything against you going forward.
You are stronger than you know 💐💐💐