Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

There's a trick with a bit of dental floss that worked for me.

Also a firestation will cut them off if necessary. Maybe not tonight though!

@DuchessHastingss

Thank you. I am currently sat in DS bedroom trying to get my wedding rings off my lockdown fat finger! I have tried iced water, soap and baby oil and I cannot get it off. Any suggestions?

Hold your finger up in the air for a few minutes and calm down. Then cold soapy water.

To remove your wedding ring - Do you have some thin ribbon?

Thread it thru the ring leaving a couple of inches at the end towards the wrist. Take hold of the other end and Then really tightly wrap the ribbon around your finger as tight as you can bear it up past the knuckle. take hold of the other end and pull towards
the finger tip so the ring slides over the ribbon and off your finger

Thanks for the tips, will try them later, my finger is still swollen from me trying to prize it off last night.
Yes he returned when me and DC were eating dinner around 7pm last night. He came in and DS2 had just finished his dinner, he took his plate into the kitchen where DH was, he then returned to the dining room looking worried and said DH was making him take his Xbox and controllers back (I had confiscated them again as he had kicked me amongst other things), I just explained that I didn’t want him to be put in such an awful position, he’s only 8, so I told him it was ok to take them back but to be a good boy, he thanked me and then said to DH “it’s ok, mummy said I can have them” to which DH replied in a sarcastic tone, “it’s not just up to mummy DS and mummy needs to realise that” DS then said “no and it’s not just up to you either is it daddy”. Poor DS being put in the middle of all of this, at least he is showing more emotional maturity than his 38 year old DF.

DS2 has football this morning, I always take him as DH doesn’t like the weekends being taken over by kids hobbies, I am expecting DH to get up and take him though to try to be super dad. He has stopped discipline entirely where he is usually the dictator or the house and a complete authoritarian father.

Is there a way of not using objects to punish DS? (So STBXH cannot undermine you by giving them back). So saying you understand he is upset, kicking is not acceptable though, and remove yourself from where he is, or give him a cuddle, which ever works best. My DS is on the autistic spectrum, and when he lashes out (very less now he is older), deep pressure hugs or his weighed blanket calm him down. You are all just trying to get through just now. Not sure if that is helpful or not, so feel free to ignore.

Who pays from the broadband, or perhaps install one of those devices that controls his access to play in live mode?

Obviously don't give STBXH the log in etc

Thanks @KatySun, the x box is the only leverage I have. We do all the calm down stuff too, I might have to try not using objects. Anything I do DH undermines now so will probably have to move away from consequences all together.

The WiFi is in my name and I pay it, I just don’t want DS to be used as a pawn in his games anymore and by turning off the WiFi DS will just be angry and confused.

As DH walked past me earlier he told me he doesn’t give a shit about me. He is so angry.

Someone on MN was explaining that they have a device that limits the amount of WiFi time each individual has.

So when the time is used up it's a case of "oh it isn't working nothing I can do"

It may be something to use anyway not as punishment but simply to reduce the amount of Xbox live time etc. I think you can probably turn it off at a certain at night for your teens too.

STBXH can use his own data 😂

Ooooo, I will have a look at that. Yes STBXDH has taken over the lounge so I am in DS1 bedroom every evening or in the day when he is home. It’s bloody boring, he has our big bedroom with the big comfy bed, plus the lounge with the big comfy sofa and I am in the smallest room in the house on a single bed. I can’t wait to be free!

So now he has just told me I had better move the shoe cabinet (I bought it without asking him) or he is going to throw it outside.

Tell him to do it and you will FACEBOOK it live.
That your sure his friends will watch it.

What @Whythesadface said! Love it.

Stay strong OP, he is indeed an arse!

Even better if he would throw himself outside.

God what an absolute nob. He's really pissing me off. Childish dickhead

Your 8 year old is acting up because of the situation you are living in.
Don't be so quick to punish your ds he is just acting out the toxic environment he is living in.
Lashing out ..he learned from his dad even if his dad does this with words.
Think carefully before punishing and creating a war between parents
Say calmly
We don't hit
We don't xxxx
Etc
Remove him from room and keep him close

@DuchessHastingss

So now he has just told me I had better move the shoe cabinet (I bought it without asking him) or he is going to throw it outside.

So let him get cross and throw things ...then call police.

He has now taken the kids out and told them not to tell me where they are going. I overheard where they are going and when I asked them why they didn’t tell me they said Daddy said not to tell mummy. I’m fuming!

Would this emotional abuse of the Dc be enough for an occupation order?

The thing is, how would you prove it without dragging your DC into a court case?
In my experience trying to leave a controlling spouse, you deal with one thing and he will come up with another.
The only solution in the end was a court order. As I was not entitled to legal aid, the process cost me tens of thousands of pounds.
You need nerves of steel and to take your solicitor’s advice about what is the best way to achieve a fair financial settlement so that you can have a roof over your head, and a contact arrangement which is in DC’s best interests. And then focus on that.
STBXH is going to use every trick in the book to try and wind you up.

I did wonder if there was any sense in trying to get a parenting schedule together so that you both know who will be taking DC out when. You could calmly point out to him that if this ends up going to court, it will cost you both tens of thousands of pounds and it is not in DC interests either. I doubt he will co-operate, but if matters do go to court, then you do need to be able to say that you have tried to resolve matters amicably.

He should be supportive of you. That would involve making sure the children are respectful towards their mum. He sounds like hard work.

The children dont need to give evidence for you to get an occupation order, your evidence will be used OP.

I’m so worried about the impact of his behaviour on DC. I will have to ask about an occupation order. I can get legal aid but that’s not always a good things as it’s like a second class citizen to the solicitor and I will not be his priority

Duchess that is not true at all, I am a solicitor and have done legal aid work. Solicitors with that view do not take on legal aid work. The difficulty these days is getting legal aid, but that's a slightly different story.