Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

You seem totally not on the same page at all.

Leave if you want to leave, you definitely wouldn’t be unjustified, it sounds unbearable

If you want to stay can you have a quiet discussion, no arguments, no blaming, and talk about how you would like to be on the same page as each other with parenting, and what do you think would be some acceptable rules/guidelines
For example he would say no chocolate for the kids before breakfast is a rule that you both need to stick to.
You could say that each parent needs to support and reinforce the others parenting decisions.
You may both agree that you don’t bring the children into your discussions/arguments
Then you work from there on the same plan as each other as a team.

However that really does require by in from both of you, if he isn’t willing to do that, there’s really not much you can do to fix this.

If you have a child who hits you and spits on the floor because they don’t want to go to bed, then you have a child who’s being traumatised by the atmosphere at home.

We have had discussions many times before, he knows how damaging it is to bring DC into an argument, he is so angry with me that he will do anything to get one over on me.
We have been to counselling in the past and things improve for a time but then soon slip back. He will do something that I disagree with or that upsets me and if I try to calmly talk to him about it her turns it around on me, gets defensive and usually accuses me of something. I can never get through to him and I’m left thinking it must be me because he is so adamant I’m the one that needs to change.
We are not speaking at the moment. I prefer it that way, although he makes snide passive aggressive remarks under his breath.

Does he prefer boys to girls OP?

I don’t think he prefers either. He is usually very strict with both. He was giving DS his console back to spite me not because he favours him.

Ask him to leave while he is still in his 'ive had enough' sulk. If you're very lucky he will. Unfortunately I think he'll be a 'it's my house too so I'm.not leaving type'.
Either way, get the ball rolling by saying you want to separate today as the longer you leave it, the longer it will take, legally, to be able to get him out/force a house sale. In the mean time, your children are being damaged.

If he will deliberately parent badly in order to spite you then he will be doing terrible harm to your children. He obviously doesn’t think of them as actual people if he can do that.

You are right, he won’t leave, we have been here before and I left. I don’t think he will sell up easily either. He sees it all as his as he has done lots of the manual labour on this house and the previous one which made the deposit for this one really. I have also worked hard but he doesn’t value my contribution.
I saw a solicitor last week, DH didn’t know but I could feel things bubbling up again and wanted to know what to expect. The solicitor said we would sell the house and realistically I would be awarded the equity to by a house for me and DC and DH would have a charge on the new property for a certain percentage which he would get when the new property was sold when youngest DC leaves full time education.
There is absolutely no way DH would agree to this though so it would go to court and cost thousands and then we would both be left with nothing.

"I saw a solicitor last week, DH didn’t know but I could feel things bubbling up again and wanted to know what to expect. The solicitor said we would sell the house and realistically I would be awarded the equity to by a house for me and DC and DH would have a charge on the new property for a certain percentage which he would get when the new property was sold when youngest DC leaves full time education.
There is absolutely no way DH would agree to this though so it would go to court and cost thousands and then we would both be left with nothing".

Do not let your fears or supposition over cost and him dragging this out (a given anyway because he is abusive) at all prevent you from going ahead with separation. I daresay you would not be left with nothing.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you all has not even begun.
He would not agree anything you suggest anyway because he is abusive at heart and only cares about his own needs and wants. What you and your kids need and want is immaterial to him. He wants to further punish you and do you and your kids over. He will remain remain abusive when you are finally apart from him as well, he is never going to be at all amicable or play nice. He just wants you around to abuse and in the meantime your children are also becoming traumatised by their dad's abusive behaviours. This is no legacy to be leaving them.

Have a look at 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. There\s a section in there on control and children.

Not a nice man.

The court can force sale.

Emotional abuse of you and the DC can be used to get an occupation order. Speak to national domestic violence helpline for advice. Speak to the DC school, report to social services.

At the end of the day living in rented for the rest of your life is better than the current situation

Going to go against the grain a bit. He sounds like a dick but it also sounds like you keep contradicting each others parenting decisions which isn’t good for dc or your relationships. Can you establish some ground rules (eg no chocolate after dinner) together? Or check he agrees before laying down the law? He’s not handling it well but it’s so frustrating if you feel like your partner is just going to go ahead and do what they feel is right if you have a strong feeling about doing it differently.

This is a shitty childhood for your children, I think you need to make a decision and ensure you follow through this time

If it’s over, tell him soon and start liaising with solicitors/family/real estate agents etc tomorrow. Don’t put it off. If you can’t stay with family then look into rentals

We do have ground rules, DD had eaten her breakfast and wanted one square of dairy milk. DH was already annoyed with me about DD1 and the hand washing thing, he just used the chocolate as an excuse to have another moan at me.
I wish we could agree rules and have a lovely normal, family life. DH would probably disagree with anything I say just to be in charge. At least that’s how it feels, it’s like he is always waiting for someone to put a foot out of line so he can show he is the boss. He says I’m the one who makes all the decisions but I can’t see it, I feel like I have to check everything out first.

And now I feel guilty because DH asked if I wanted to take the DC for a walk, I said I didn’t want to go anywhere all together so he told me to take them as all 4 DC need to get out the house (and DC 1& 2 are not his) so I took them all to the park and left DH at home. He hadn’t spoken to me all morning or yesterday then wants to go for a family walk, I’m confused!

It sounds like he expects you to shut up, put up and do as he says.

Have you read the Lundy book "why does he do that?"

It sounds like he expects to be obeyed without question and be in charge and disagreements are not open for compromise or discussion.

Sounds utterly miserable for the DC and you

I have told him I am seeking legal advice and petitioning for divorce. He said that’s fine by him and asked if I wanted to keep it civil.

I doubt he is capable of civil but I will have to wait and see

Good luck Op, it might not seem like it now but it will get easier!💕💐

Thank you, I needed to hear that

He said that’s fine by him and asked if I wanted to keep it civil.

Grey rock him. Just use a monotone and say

If you like
That's fine
It's not really my concern

Neutral, bland, boring phrases. If he gets irate just ignore him and leave the room if possible. Don't get into any conversation or any discussion. Keep repeating that you'll wait and hear what solicitor has to say.

Well done, btw. Life just improved massively for you.

What MadMadMadamMim said. He sounds like a controller and he will want to control the divorce and then if you push back, he will blame you for not being civil. You will be the unfriendly and aggressive one for simply wanting a legally fair settlement. Just do not engage.

Don’t let him pull you into extensive legal correspondence where you feel you have to explain yourself either. That is only going to cost lots of money. Follow your solicitor’s advice regarding getting things progressed and try and disengage from him.

(I agree you are making the right decision, btw. Good luck )

Good for you OP. Stay strong, keep your resolve. The finances always seem impossible at first, I promise you they're not impossible but it might feel that way at times over the coming weeks and months. There is a way forward, your life will improve dramatically when you have your own home without him in it.

Please see a solicitor again and talk about an occupation order if you are primary carer for the dc, especially given 1 and 2 aren’t his. Stick to your guns, OP, he sounds abusive and is trying to turn the kids against you-parental alienation is now illegal, I believe.

That day can’t come soon enough.
If I had an occupation order he wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t afford the mortgage and he would stop paying just to spite me. It’s just not worth the battle.
I have moved myself into DS1 room as he moved out last year and now lives with his DF (exDH) and stays with me every other weekend, he went back to exDH this evening so I can now borrow his room for 12 nights.
I keep looking on Rightmove and dreaming about flats for sale, it’s crazy to dream about a 3 bedroom flat with DCs sharing rooms when we own have a 5 bedroom house!

Well you just force sale of the house. If he defaults on the mortgage that's him screwing himself too.

You could discuss with the mortgage provider taking a break. Remember he would still have to pay CMS it wouldn't just be your salary plus universal credit if your wage is low/help with childcare costs.