Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

Thank you @wewereliars, that is really reassuring.
DH has just got back with DC. DD was scared and told me they have been on daddy’s friends boat, out to sea, really fast and bumpy without life jackets! I just don’t know what to do, how dangerous and irresponsible can he be?

That's shocking that they didn't wear life jackets

Duchess, in light of him putting the children at risk, if I were in your shoes I would now ring the police non emergency number, I thinks it's 111. Explain the risk he has subjected the children to and his recent behaviour. They may come and speak to him, and it will be on file and should strengthen an occupation order application. BUT don't tell him you are going to do this. AND take into account his likely reaction. He will probably not be taken away for this incident or arrested. Do not do this if you think he will become more aggressive unless you can go somewhere safe first, away from him. My ex was a horrible bully to me but scared of the law and the police. You know your partner and how he may react.

@DuchessHastingss

Your DH sounds like a narcissistic arsehole.Narcissist's have a habit of fooling other people including family members into thinking they are wonderful;in this situation I bet he likes to portray himself as a hard working family man who's done up the family home for his family as he's just so generous and capable and loving when in reality he's a vile bully who undermines you at every opportunity and wants to control you and your children and when you push back he basically punishes you for it.

Men like this are often cowards who are insecure and feel threatened by the person they are bullying.The fact that you've been through a divorce previously and have lived alone and survived as a single mother who's moved on with her life signifies to him your capable of living without him and moving forward with your life again.

I applaud you for walking away from not one but two men who have made you unhappy;there is no shame in that;unfortunately we seem to live in a society where a woman with multiple failed relationships under her belt is ostracised;it's ridiculous that even in 2021 that sort of attitude still exists.

As for not cooking for him;good.Don't shop for him,don't do his washing and do not clean up after him.

Out of interest:why does your DS live with his dad?;has that anything to do with your DH?

Gosh I feel so sad reading your posts

Please get him out soon
First class bast---

Been there
Stay strong

Lots of great advice on here too xxxx

@wewereliars I know what you mean and I want to report him but I know it will be like a red rag to a bull, it’s just not worth it. I have spoken to DD2 (6yr old) and she understands why she must not keep secrets like that from mummy. I am noting everything he is doing. I need to be sure I will get the order before I apply for it as if he knows and I don’t get it life will be hell.

@thenewduchessofhastings, either you know me and DH or this is all just textbook behaviour. Everything you said is true. Yes, DS1 went to live with his Dad last year when he turned 12, partly because he gets to do what he wants when he wants there, and partly because he did not get along with DH, even thought DH came into his life when he was only 1 year old, they never got on, now I can see DH resented him for some reason.

The latest thing is DH has not locked the front door. I have gone and asked him for the key and he has refused. He has gone to bed and left it unlocked. So now I obviously cant sleep as I don’t know if we are safe.

Can you find the key? In his trousers or something.

I don't understand why don't you have a key of your own front door? Next opportunity you have make a copy of that key.

Put something noisy on the door handle - if you have a tambourine or a toy or something that would wake you if the door was moved? You could put a chair against the door but a noisy thing might be easier to manage?

Don't doubt yourself, he is horrible.

Could you order a chain for the door and install it tomorrow/get someone to come and do it?

He’s an absolute bastard. Why would he do that. Can you put a chair in front of the door? Stay strong.

OP you have done amazing for seeking a divorce and protecting your children from this horrible man. Keep grey rocking him and don’t doubt yourself regardless of what those around you are saying, they are not the one who has to live with someone so authoritative and nasty! Your poor DC!

I wish we could agree rules and have a lovely normal, family life.

Remember this line whenever you doubt yourself. As soon as you’re rid of him you CAN have a normal family life where your children can have a small piece of chocolate and your DD can overcome her eating disorder in whichever way she wants. You can buy lots of vegan foods and you never have to worry if the door is locked. Remember all that whenever he tries to mess with your head!

He's horrible.

So depressing to read this. I hope you can get out before someone gets hurt. He's escalating and god knows what he'll do next.

Thank you for all the ideas. I went through the cupboards and found a spare key so I locked it and kept the key.
We have 2 front doors, I use the other one normally which locks itself when it closes. This one is like a back door where you have to pull the handle up and lock it.

It’s so hard to grey rock him, he has done the kids Easter egg hunt without me this morning. I have asked him what time he is taking DC to his mums for her egg hunt, he has refused to tell me, I said I have plans with them today too, he just laughed at me.
I have spoken to the 2 younger DC this morning about not keeping secrets from me, they seemed to understand.

He wants a reaction from you. He's disgusting. Rant on here and when the adrenaline subsides you can be near him. Think of the long game.
I'd want to physically strangle him but that's exactly why he's doing it. He wants you to lose your cool and play victim.
Horrible horrible little man.

God he is an absolute arsehole
So glad you have legal advice. Contact women's aid too to discuss it

@DuchessHastingss

It is textbook narcissistic behaviour;3 things a narcissist hates 1. His victim standing up for themselves 2. Anything being done that they deem "humiliates" them eg their wife calling it a day on their relationship due to his vile behaviour 3. Their mask being ripped off and being exposed for the person they are and not the fake persona they put on publicly.

I saw my closest friend divorce her narc DH.It was awful;he wouldn't leave the family property and spent 8 months making her life a living hell by doing everything he could to make her life as unpleasant as possible.He was hoping to force her out and he tried to A. Get full custody of the 3 kids and B. Get a possession order for the house which meant my friend and her eldest who wasn't his would have to leave:the judge in court wouldn't allow it.He got custody 2 days a week.

He also didn't get along with his stepson because once his stepson started secondary school and started to have his own opinions and was capable of challenging his stepdads bully boy tactics he viewed him as a threat.

You know what;don't talk to him unless you have too;he wants an opportunity to ignore you to annoy you.If he does something to deliberately annoy you;Dont acknowledge it.

Don't do anything together with the kids;don't go to his family gatherings;if he wants to spend time alone with the kids;fine.

I know you don't want to rock the boat but you need to speak to you local social services about the boat incident;you should log he put the kids in danger and scared them;what would have happened if one of your children went over the side of the boat?

I also don't believe that he actually wants 50/50 custody;men like him don't want to give up half their time to play dad and it's more likely so he can try to control you.They are usually too selfish.In my friends case her EH only sees one of their 3 children now;the rest refuse to have anything to do with him so he ignores them completely.

I'm going to guess you do most of the housework/cooking/childcare etc and he lived with mummy before he moved in with you and mummy thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

OP, this is such an awful situation for you and your DC. He is a very nasty man. The next few months will be hard but you are doing the right thing and we will be here supporting you all the way. 💐

Hi OP I would completely echo what the New Duchess has just posted. Grey rock grey rock grey rock. Think of his behaviour as him attempting to power up on your emotional distress. Be inscrutable, steel yourself that you are living behind enemy lines and tell him nothing.

Thank you all for your support, I don’t think I would have got this far without it.
DH has given up trying to be super dad, I didn’t think it would last long, he went out about an hour ago to “fix something” on his friends boat, he walked though so I’m guessing he has gone for the rest of the day and will roll in later drunk. At least me and DC can have a relaxing day