Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

I went to work today even though I really didn’t feel like going in. I have made an appointment with a legal aid solicitor and also booking an initial mediation meeting. I just need to keep going otherwise I feel like I will crumble and be back at square one.

@DuchessHastingss

I don’t think he prefers either. He is usually very strict with both. He was giving DS his console back to spite me not because he favours him.

And thats really all you need to know.

Someone who does things to spite you is not your partner or friend and should not allowed to be anywhere near you. He acts like he hates you - because he does. That is not fixable! Run for the hills.

Totally agree with wanderlusto above. Cares more about doing things to spite you? There is no more to be said about him. You are on the road now to a happier life. Good for you!

Good point.
I didn’t make his dinner tonight, I know it may sound petty and that’s not why I did it. We already have to make what he is happy with but tonight my mum gave my DC3&4 dinner as she collected them from school. I finished work and collected DD1 from school and we went and did the food shop. DD1 has an eating disorder and desperately wants to be vegan, DH has a problem with that as he doesn’t think it’s healthy. I would rather she enjoyed eating again. Anyway we did a meal plan for the week with all dinners DD1 is happy with plus adaptations for other DC. I offered DH some of the vegan meal and he politely declined. I think he was a bit shocked that I hadn’t cooked something separately for him.
DH is being very civil, it’s unnerving. This is when I doubt myself and think it must be all me as he is being so reasonable.
I just keep picturing myself in my own little flat with the DC, relaxed and happy. Thank you all for your encouragement, I wouldn’t have made it this far so quickly without all of your comments and advice. Please don’t stop!

It's the cycle of abuse.

Nasty nasty nasty then super nice again to make you doubt yourself.

Can you download the Lundy book "why does he do that?"

I will look into that @RandomMess thanks.

I told a work colleague today, it actually felt really good to talk about it in real life, scary though.

I can’t tell my friends or family yet though, I need firm plans first, I’m afraid my family will talk me out of it.

All the best with everything. It is great that you are supporting your DD with her eating plan, and I hope it pays off. Honestly, it will do you and your DC so much good to be out of this toxic environment. One step at a time, you will get there.

Thank you.
This morning he has reminded me why I’m doing this again. I take DC to breakfast club before going into work. I always get up, make the packed lunches, make sure DC are ready, do breakfast etc then rush out the door at 7.30. DH also leaves at 7.30 but he just sorts himself out in the mornings, doesn’t ever make the lunches etc. This morning DS2 was wanting to play a game, it was 7.10 and he wasn’t dressed, I was saying I will play later with him as we don’t have time, DH played the game with him! Honestly my blood was boiling, he then swans out the door at 7.30 leaving me finding DS school jumper
Sorry for venting on here, if I just kept a diary I would only have my perspective on it and I’m afraid I would end up rationalising the situation.

He takes every opportunity to undermine you, doesn't he? You will all be better off, emotionally, in separate homes. Keep in Keeping on, OP. 🌹

Yes it’s him. He’s aggressive, bad tempered, manipulative and irrational. This is very bad for you and your kids.

My mum was told to stay with my aggressive dad “for the sake of the children”, so our home life was miserable and we wished she’d divorced him sooner. She should have left him for the sake of the children.

LTB

I have told my mum and my sister. Neither were very supportive, my mum seemed more worried about me not ripping DH off in the divorce settlement
It’s things like this when the people who know me doubt me that make me doubt myself.

Okay, maybe you need to parent yourself a bit here. If it was your DD in the situation, what would you say to her?
Another way of thinking about it is to imagine yourself in 20 years time. What would your 20 year older self say looking back?
In both cases you would be compassionate and caring, I am sure, so that is what you need to offer yourself now - and of course, confidence in your own judgement. I wonder if you have gone from a family situation where your judgement was undermined into a marital one which is similar? No wonder you find it hard to know which way is up!

Do not doubt yourself. You and the kids really dont need to be living with this shit every day.
You have a whole life just around the corner... hold on to that idea tight when things get tough.

It’s so hard not to doubt myself. I have just been to collect DC from My mum, my sister was there too (in the garden) I stayed for a cup of tea and my mum was asking if there was anyway we could sort things out, she offered to speak to DH. My sister said DH is saying horrible things and acting this way because he is hurt that I want to leave him. I did tell them he won’t change as you can’t change someone’s personality, I just feel so awful.

I spoke to my solicitor today, I need to provide proof of finances etc for legal help. I called estate agents and booked in valuations for next week. All this was before I went to my mums, now I’m worried I am making a mistake. I feel so rubbish about the whole thing. I need DH to come home and act like a dick again to remind me why this is happening

Are you in individual counseling? That may help you gain some clarity so you don't doubt yourself that you're doing the right thing.

Also, when my STBXdH said that he wanted things to be "civil", what he really meant was that he wanted everything to go his way which meant bullying me into a lower, unfair settlement. That's when I pushed back and lawyered up.

Your family have their own agenda. There is a reason why you married unsuitable men!!

It does feel rubbish, really awful, to end a marriage. This is not because you are doing the wrong thing. It is because you have tried everything you can think of and it still is not working, and basically everyone wants their marriage to work. Everyone wants people they love to have working marriages (hence your mum and sister’s response). Is your marriage working, though? Have you tried everything you can think of to make it work? Sometimes, like you say, you would need to be different people and that is not obvious before you marry, it becomes obvious as life passes. You are the only person who knows what your marriage is like and whether it is what you want until you die. So you are the only person who can make the decision how to move forward.

That is a lonely place. But look at it like this, if your mum and sister suddenly said, yes, we think your DH is awful, we have been saying that for years, you would be kind of let down by that too. What their comments mean is that from the outside things look okay. They want you to have a workable marriage. On the inside, things are not okay, and you don’t think you have a workable marriage. Nothing wrong with your point of view, nothing wrong with theirs.

Of course the other way of looking at it is that there is a pattern here of those close to you undermining your decisions so you don’t have any confidence in what you are doing...

I can see what you mean about the patterns.
I told DS2 to football training tonight, was so nice to chat to the other mums, they were asking me how the house renovation was going, I just said slowly. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone what was going on.
When I got home I sorted DC out with food and showers etc whilst DH watched Tv.
I’m so angry with him but I can’t tell him because he will probably enjoy it!

I failed at the grey rock thing.
He was trying to get a reaction this morning, Not good. He has been using the kids to win arguments again. We spoke this morning, he is refusing to walk away with less than 50%of the house and he wants at least 50/50 custody of the kids! He said he will drag it out for years and be a complete dick at home to make it unbearable.

No I am not in individual counselling, this is something I will look into though.

Be the one to initiate the divorce so you are more in control. Ultimately he is going to punish you even if you agreed 50:50 because that's who is - you're his whipping boy albeit subtle.

Is the child benefit in your name?

Get your ducks in a row.

I have initiated the divorce. Yes the Child Benefit is in my name. I have also applied for universal credit as a single person as I have moved into my sons room, this has been awarded.

Put in the claim for CMS too unless he really is already doing 50% of the care of his DC?

If he ramps up the emotional abuse towards you and the older DC speak to national domestic helpline about the threshold for an occupation order.