Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

Bumping this for you Sal.

I hope you are okay

Not got personal experience but based entirely on reading mumsnet posts, a handful of women say yes their marriage was able to survive this and the affair is not longer an issue. More women say they have stayed in the relationship but wish that they had not as things were never the same again, then there are women who try for to make it work but it fails after two to three years as they cant' get past it. Then there are those for whom the marriage is over upon discovery of an affair.

No. No getting past it. May as well cut your losses and end it now imo

Sal1223
I am sorry. There is no easy way out, whether you stay or go. You will have to endure the emotional pain which will ease over time.
I have been there and fantasise about leaving after discovering just over two years ago. The first year was dreadful- I was a woman possessed. I had absolutely no control over my emotions; jumping from anger, depression, hopelessness, hatred for him and myself. The second year I assumed I began to accept it and then had some sort of breakdown where I had clearly suppressed a lot of my feelings in a bid to move on. I then decided I wanted out and had my own affair which has added more fuel to the fire. I really did not care at the time - was in self destructive mode. We are civil at present and I am distraught at the upheaval me leaving would cause to my dc, emotionally and financially.

How horrible for you to deal with this. You can only take his word for it that it was just a one night stand. You have taken that word and working through this. I have never married or divorced and can only go on what I see my friends have gone through and what is written on MN. Of the women I know who's husbands had affairs, they all tried to get passed it and have now all divorced and are much happier without their spouse. Some have gone on to remarry and are happy. If you read on MN then its a small section that get through it and sail on. The rest are left in deep pain and mistrust for the rest of their marriage. Its up to you which path you take.

I have honestly never really seen or heard of anyone really having a properly happy marriage afterwards, no.

It's very much a compromise - staying in what's now a fundamentally quite painful situation as they've decided on balance that it's better.

For those who continue to conclude that it is better, I'm sure you could say it works, it DOES work in that they have the situation that they'd 'prefer' out of splitting or staying.

But no never properly happy, because - well, you know why. How can you be - the whole idea of marriage is to have that bond with the person who is supposed to have your back - and you realise that they've betrayed you in the worst way you can. To do so for the cheap thrill of a one-night fuck isn't actually better, either.

You stay in an arrangement but it's no longer marriage proper.

There have been many posts I've seen where the poster is vehement in describing how it's actually IMPROVED their communication and sex life and blah blah, mind you.

All with a faintly hysterical trying to convince themselves air.

Just go into it with eyes open and immediately start building a mental life without him and a support system - I think you'd soon go mad if you didn't, as you'll never have trust again.

Yoniandguy
I agree with your comments. You do need to keep your options open which should not be the case in marriage. The trust has gone so you no longer see the person as your soulmate. My distancing leaves my h very much on edge/insecure as he knows he is no longer a priority to me.

In many ways I have separated my life from my h which has been important to me - to have people there just for me. Not all our friends are mutual friends so I socialise a lot online/via phone and will do so in person once Covid restrictions have lifted.

What @YoniAndGuy said.
I don’t believe anyone who comes out with the ‘we are stronger than ever’ bullshit. How can you be when the person you are supposed to trust implicitly destroys that trust forever?
I stayed for 5 years and really wish I hadn’t! I would be suspicious that he was sounding you out for more to come, either a child or more serious affairs.

I have known people in real life who have gotten through infidelity, others who have not. I think it depends on a myriad of factors, in particular the depth of understanding that the cheater has about the impact of their actions and the amount of work they are prepared to put in to repair the damage. But it also depends a lot on the ability of the person who has been cheated on to let go and move on from the past, as I have known some who have tried but in the long run couldn't move on from the betrayal they'd experienced. I don't buy the 'you can never move on' mantra. Some people can, but many many can't. It depends on you and your partner.

Thanks for the replies . I really can't call it right now but it's still early days , I'm very independent so would be absolutely fine without him - I do love him though and don't really know why , which is a difficult emotion . He's doing all the right things at the moment so time will tell I suppose - but as pp have said , it will never ever be the same and that breaks my heart - the man that watched our children draw their first breath, that I've shared everything with for 17 years has had sex with someone else . He says it meant nothing it was just sex - which I believe and I believe it happened once (I know when it was and have phone records) but he physically gave him self to another and I just don't know if I can ever get past it

There are probably a large number of women who live in blissful ignorance of their DH/Dp’s affair. They are perhaps the lucky ones who will never have to deal with the feelings you are going through.
Your DH chose to offload his guilt, whether it was to allow you to end the relationship ( a common manoeuvre) or because he was unable to handle the guilt, only he knows. What is clear now is that you are now having to deal with the fallout.
Firstly you need to talk. A proper all feelings on the table discussion. Don’t let him shut you down or force you into making the decision for him. You may need counselling to help you through this together.
You will be surprised just how many couples experience infidelity, it’s not something people share, particularly if they stay together. It’s not something people like to broadcast perhaps because others are so judgemental. Most of us would jump straight in with LTB, but when it happens to you it’s not always your first reaction. Each situation is different and until it happens you have no idea how you will feel.
From experience and from the experience of a number of couples I know, it takes time and your DH will have to learn to deal with your frequent meltdowns. He needs to be patient and allow you to work through it, but most of all to rebuild the trust.
I don’t have the answers but I do know that DH and I communicate better now as a result. DH had an EA, I think I could have coped with a ONS because it would have been just sex. The outpouring of feelings for someone else really hurt. I don’t know what the future will have in store.
It’s going to be tough OP but don’t get caught up by the frenzy your post will cause on this forum.

I absolutely hate it when people say "it was just sex and meant nothing" How can it mean nothing when it hurts so much?
Such an empty imotive statement.
I think its probably to early to gauge anything for you at the moment. You just want the shock and pain to go away.
In time I came to realise that it all just felt so tainted but its so hard when children are involved.

Hey OP, I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

It’s really difficult to move past this. The cheater has to really understand just what they have done, why they did it and the effects on you. They need to be willing to discuss it whenever you need to, in an open and honest way - not getting defensive or argumentative. They have to be willing to be transparent with passwords to phones, email and SM accounts. In my experience - personal, and those of friends - most men struggle with doing all these things.

You have to be willing to accept that the relationship you had before has gone. Whether you are both able, and willing, to put the work in to rebuild something new is what you need to decide. But your old relationship is never coming back.

For me, I couldn’t get past it. I tried for 2 years but his infidelity fundamentally changed the way I viewed him and how I felt about him. He couldn’t do any of the above actions - he had no EQ whatsoever - which really left me no choice.

Keep posting here for support. Good luck 💐

Thanks and yes he is being transparent, we are also having couples counselling which so far has been hard and very emotional.

Angrymum22
Your words are full of wisdom. I agree that nobody can possibly know how they will react until infidelity happens to them. I really do not think the unfaithful spouse is prepared for the emotional trauma that follows discovery. It must have been extremely difficult coping with the knowledge that your husband gave his heart to another woman.

Yes I don't know how I'd have felt if there had been an emotional affair - it was an easy lay when we were in a bad place.

I'm struggling today with feeling angry, wanting to contact ow and tell her that I know and that I think she's disgusting (she's moved abroad now) but I know it'll just send my anxiety through the roof and not achieve anything. She knows me , knew he was married and made it known she had her eye on him - I thought it was funny back then - not laughing now am I

He is more disgusting than her. Sorry but you need to cut your losses - he’s betrayed you and you can never trust him again

It's him thats disgusting. Any decent man would have told her where to go, not fucked her.

@sal1223
OP - have you considered counselling?
I think more people do actually work through infidelity than break up. But it does require work on both sides, and rarely can be done without some sort of joint counselling.
Have you found any support IRL?

Also - if you haven’t discovered Ester Perel - I’d look her up. She is a counsellor with years of experience in the field and she writes books and have podcasts on this subject.
Basically - she says upon discovery your old marriage is over, and what happens next is up to you. You can break up or build your new marriage, 2.0.

She also talks about various reason people cheat and her experiences with helping propel work through it.
Maybe it can give you some way of dealing with it all?
I think there is a FB support group based on her books/talks

sal1223
I have just read that you would cope financially without your dh. Had I been in this position I would have left. Us parting would mean inadequate housing for two dc as we cannot both each afford even a 2 bed house. The emotional and financial upheaval would be a lot for dc and me.

Hi sal1223
Unfortunately I was the wife who betrayed her husband, I acted so out of character and it haunts me constantly how I nearly ruined absolutely everything. My husband found out and asked me to leave, two weeks later we met and decided 30 years of being together was too much to walk away from. He also agreed he had been very distant from me and we put a plan together to rebuild the hurt I caused.
It was awful to start with, he would go from being super lovely to really off with me.
One year later things have improved greatly and I can honestly say I love him so much and have absolutely no intentions to repeat my actions.
If you feel you can rebuild you relationship I would advise it but be prepared for lots of ups and downs.
Good luck x

@MMmomDD yes we're having counselling and I've seen ester thanks
@Sunflower1970 @CarolVordermansBum
I know full well that he's been disgusting and I'm struggling with that and hate what he's done , I have seen him unravel and hate him self for it so after 17 years and children together I am trying to give him a second chance - it doesn't detract from the fact if she's said no you're married then it wouldn't have happened , that she knows me and the kids and still did it and that I have bad feelings about that - and before anyone says if it hadn't had been her it would have been someone else , knowing him and the situation as I do that's not the case . There seems to be a sisterhood reaction on mn when anything is ever said about the other woman , no sisterhood when she had sex with him though sadly she didn't care one bit -most decent women wouldn't do it

How's the marriage generally? I could forgive most single actions but would be less inclined to continue if there were bigger problems.
Read 'the course of love' by alain de Botton. Really good for this exact situation

Both of you read it that is.