Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

OMG @MarshmallowAra - you are 'pointing out in the most sanctimonious patronising way - that husbands are meant to do the right thing and not the wrong thing. So let's be absolutely CLEAR for you shall we? This OP's DH has done the WRONG thing- obviously because she wasn't as clever as you as to pick someone flawless. So yes - that's what she is dealing with. Thanks tho.

OP you don’t have to justify or excuse your DHs behaviour. It’s happened and to move forward you need to accept that it happened and move forward. Whatever events led up to the episode in your lives is unique to your family and your reactions to it are now history. You both will have learned important life skills from it and will know now what triggers these reactions. This is what makes long term relationships, the ability to cope with whatever life through sat you.
Infidelity is a difficult one though, for some it’s like a reset button, you put the relationship on pause while you work out what you want, for others it is the ticket out of a failing relationship.
Long term relationships need constant attention. It’s not a case of being in love and getting on with it, we put the pause button on periodically and for much minor problems, but it allows us to sort out the problems before they become insurmountable.
The first step is to accept it’s happened and you can’t make it unhappen. Then it’s a bit of a rollacoaster of meltdowns and calmer periods. Hanging on to the anger is not healthy and it’s important to forgive because without forgiveness there is no point in going forward.
Trust takes longer and may never be complete, but should any of us completely trust their DP. Judging by the number of posters who are totally blindsided by infidelity maybe trust is something we need to be more guarded about.
I feel that my relationship has improved, we have realised that we both need reassurance from time time that the other is still connected and we talk about everything now rather than protecting the other from problems.
The last few years have been very stressful and I blocked out DH so he didn’t have to take on the stress. I now realise that by protecting him I was actually driving him away. He was just as much at fault because he wouldn’t confront me and saw it as rejection.
We have been forced to talk over the last 12 mnths due to lockdown and we are in a much better place. I will admit that I would have been open to infidelity myself had the opportunity arisen. Feeling rejected is a difficult one in a long term relationship and it’s easy to be distracted. We now know that communication is key.

@sal1223 take the advice that resonates the most with you and stick to that. There’s a lot of unhelpful stuff on here, but it’s an open forum and the LTB no matter what brigade have every right to post and have their opinion heard.
Nobody, but nobody, knows your husband and marriage like you do and no, if it hasn’t happened to you you really have no idea what this is like or what you would do, were you in OP’s circumstances with her husband.
You asked for stories about staying, so just read those. Some have stayed and it didn’t work out, some have found a way to make it work. Only you know which aspects sound more like your situation. LTB isn’t always the answer. Don’t try to defend your actions or opinions to some of the more unhelpful responses. It’s not worth it. They’ve had their say, they are entitled to it, but you don’t have to listen to it Sal.
Nobody has the right to judge anyone or say what type of person they must be, whether they stay or go. X

@Angrymum22 thank you for sharing and yes I suppose I am treating it as a bit of a reset . Seadad said earlier :- . I think you either treat it as something to make better or give up on. Either one might be the right answer for you. It's enough to leave but it's not irreparable if you want to repair.

I don't feel like we're irreparable and I do see the potential to get past it and have a good relationship - I think I'd regret not trying as we have been happy and he's wonderful with the kids they absolutely adore him - he has also shown and co to yes to show true remorse so for now I'm going to do my best to ride it out and see what happens , it definitely works in our favour that this was 1 night as opposed to a long winded affair as seadad again said earlier - it's a lesser trauma to some degree and I don't doubt that he loves me , I'm lucky I suppose that this has in no way made me feel insecure about myself - I know my worth and won't accept any less than I deserve moving forward

@Thewookiemustgo thanks for that and you're absolutely right , some have resonated with me and some are way off the mark and I needed to hear that so thanks again x

@sal1223 your thread disappeared from my list and I've been thinking of you. Sounds like you are doing well - I hope this effort DH is putting in lasts x

@espressoontap thank you and yes I hope so too x

No problem. Your situation, your choices. You know what works for you. Nobody else does. X

Good grief, op has already made a decision to try to work through this awful betrayal. Fact.

She knows exactly what her husband did, shes probably thought of nothing else. She does not need pursuading how crap this has been for her.
Respect her decision to choose to save the relationship, that is the support she wants and advice on how to ease the journey.

Op I will say though, however much you fear the thought of not trusting him again, think of his view, when lockdown eases and you begin to go out again, his mind will be full of fear wondering if you will inflict retribution on him.
It will be a balancing act.
He too is going to become insecure, some men find that very difficult to deal with even when they were in the wrong.

The problem though surely, the people who have successfully worked through infidelity aren't really going to want to spill their guts about it are they? They have moved on. So what you're left with is the people like you, still in it, trying to work through it, or the posters who feel disappointed that you're even trying to stay. I've been in an abusive relationship, and posted furiously throughout it, but now it's over I don't post because it doesn't help me to dwell, similarly with bereavements etc. I post throughout but I stop when I've moved on.

This is the wrong question to ask on this forum. You are always going to get responses from people who feel aggrieved at the very idea in staying in a marriage after fidelity. And why shouldn't they post? If you only want a consensus on your own opinion, why ask? Just trust your own opinion.

There is a website that is the same name as your thread title. Would definitely recommend it. Good luck op

onthedunes
I have to agree with you. The tables have indeed turned. On discovery of infidelity it feels as if the unfaithful has the upper hand and the betrayed is on the back foot. It certainly felt this way to me and I hated it. When I was screaming, shouting, asking the same questions over and over and showing other signs of emotional pain, my h knew I was still invested in the marriage. Now that I am neutral, can go hours without speaking to him, am happy to watch films alone in the evening, he feels deeply insecure. He regularly tells me he is scared he has already lost me.

I know few couples who actually had affairs, but never disclosed it. And they are fine. As you find it difficult why don’t you separate. To end what is broken now and start clean. You can consider dating him or someone else, take time for yourself. And then maybe you decide to go back together but as a new couple. It’s not ideal but I think I would do that.

@Faith50

It appears equality has resumed in your marriage, I suppose that's the point when couples councelling could be of use to stop any further power battles in the marriage.

Good luck.
Ps. I've seen some of your posts and I do not think you should feel any remorse for the actions you took.
You were consumed with grief.

@Lily73423
“The problem though surely, the people who have successfully worked through infidelity aren't really going to want to spill their guts about it are they? They have moved on. So what you're left with is the people like you, still in it, trying to work through it, or the posters who feel disappointed that you're even trying to stay.”

Not necessarily all that’s left. Some who have worked their way through this and moved on, are still happy to post on MN and help those who are at the start of it. Sometimes it’s easier to post when you have got past it. It can be helpful or triggering to post when you’re in the middle of it, friends how it affects you and we’re all different.
It’s not always because they are dwelling on it, helping others is sometimes a positive that comes out of experiencing what was possibly the worst time in your life so far.
MN is full of people who post precisely because they have been through whatever the OP is asking about and made it out the other side.
Responders are sometimes happy to spill their guts about their painful past experiences if it helps others.
However, if it helps you not to post about past experiences though I get it. I’m fortunate enough not to have experienced the awfulness of abuse and if I had I’m sure I would not want to revisit anything that reminded me of it. On a different subject, but in a similar vein, one of my close relatives survived cancer and whilst they donate to cancer charities, they do not find it helpful to participate in fundraisers or discuss it with others as they want it understandably in their past. Some of their friends really don’t get this, they think that my relative will always want to join in.

Some find it cathartic and helpful to discuss it, others don’t. I’m glad you’ve got through your terrible experience. But not everyone who responds has yet to put their issues in the past where they belong, i.e firmly behind them.

One thing I wanted to add (other than the fact that when I posted after my dh affair I found it very difficult to not have threads taken over by LTB rather than the help I asked for - try not to take it to heart if you find this) is that I agree with a previous poster in that solo counselling we found MUCH more helpful that couples.

I think affairs (by men - women have different motivators) are often not about unhappiness in a relationship but happen through a combination of opportunity and an issue in the person themselves. And it’s often something much deeper rooted than initially thought. We both did solo ‘emotional skills’ counselling that worked through our drivers and conditioning from childhood on. It was a bit of a revelation to both of us - even down to making my dh completely reassess his reaction to his parents divorce and has massively improved his relationship with his mum. I’d highly recommend it

She does not need pursuading how crap this has been for her.
Respect her decision to choose to save the relationship

When recounting her h's "explanation" for his infidelity, op didnt explicitly (or even implicitly) say she thinks it's bullshit, invalid etc.
She also talked about them being in couple's therapy.

Couples therapy is only appropriate for non abusive, honest partners with arguable fault on both sides.

Ops he's behaviour (going off the rails and leaving her to hold things together for their family/try to damage limit for their family) and infidelity could be seen as abusive (whether intentionally or not), and he's clearly trying to make her take responsibility for some part of his infidelity (because let's face it, "I felt unwanted" pushes the responsibility onto the other person to quite an extent). He has presumably convinced himself of that justification because it makes him feel better about himself ... Other posters have highlighted how little if any responsibility he has taken for his actions (in the other thread too).

His main focus on confessing infidelity bis that it's a load of his shoulders. He seems very selfish and manipulative.

All these factors made me as a poster wonder if op is being taken in by any of this bullshit or is blinded by their intimacy as to what he is really like .... In case that is affecting her decision to "work through" his infidelity (and other behaviour). And his behaviour around drink & drugs has apparently yet to be proven as resolved, as such, due to lock down, so that's ongoing.

Op's responses since then have clarified that she thinks she's not taking any responsibility for his infidelity so .... What more can any op say. I don't think it was unreasonable for anyone reading her posts up to that point on the thread to worry she's being taken in/manipulated by some classic cheater narrative and to try to point that out. Its possible op will still.clmr to feel.differently than she currently does, it's a long process to let go of an ltr/marriage.

her decision to choose to save the relationship

The "saving" of the relationship is dependent on her h, and his behaviour (including his narrative to date) would raise doubts. It's v important to note that op can choose (at this time) to try to save her marriage but she's only one side of it, and not the side who broke it in the first place.

*what more can any poster say

onthedunes
Thank you. At times I feel I am an inch away from having a breakdown. I no longer recognise myself. I struggle to control my anger which is a serious issue. There is also a deep rooted connection to other cases of abandonment in my life - some from childhood and teenage years.

Thewookie
At times disclosing your own situation online can be soothing and at other times it can cause more destruction. It has helped me to read about women on MN who healed emotionally, whether they stayed with their spouse or not. Personally I feel staying is extremely difficult as you are having to look the person in the face who brought you the destruction. It is difficult to be civil, show care and love when you are battling with your emotions. While leaving brings a level of pain, you can close that chapter in your life and move on with the hope of meeting someone new or staying single.

Disneymillie
Yes, the issues are with the individual (my h issues go right back to childhood and a need for validation and to be liked by men and women). I took it so personally when my h was unfaithful. I saw it as a direct attack and collusion with other women. I feel duped and humiliated - as though I am being laughed at by the world. Generally in my life I have felt I am not good enough in terms of looks, academic levels, personality, talents so this was yet another kick in the teeth.

My mental health has taken a battering and I worry I will not bounce back. I see my spouts of anger as extreme weakness and clearly do not have the ability to rationalise and rise above. I worry that I am now damaged for life.

@MarshmallowAra, believe me, when this has happened to you, if you are thinking about staying and rebuilding your marriage, practically the only thing you worry about is whether you are being taken in by emotional manipulation or whether the remorse is real. I don’t think the OP needed to spell it out to anyone before any point in the thread as to whether she was questioning the validity of what her husband said or not. It’s the main thing that swirls in your head from the moment you find out. I took it as a given. The concern is understandable and kindly meant, yes, but for me it really did go without saying.

I found it very difficult to not have threads taken over by LTB rather than the help I asked for

Perhaps that's because people feel that wouldn't be actually helping someone.

If someone beaten by their partner asked for help in healing from the bruises, you might give it - but the more important focus would naturally be trying to remove them from the person who inflicted the bruises in the first place ... Infidelity is the emotional equivalent of that. You can't expect most people to not feel that way and for many to not be able to overcome their instinct to communicate it.

I don’t think the OP needed to spell it out to anyone before any point in the thread as to whether she was questioning the validity of what her husband said or not.

Questioning and completely dismissing are two very different things.

I think our natural inclination is to give merit to things people say (if they seem sane!) especially if they're someone important to us, and especially when we are in the middle of the situation and have almost no detachment. What is crystal clear to us about other people's relationship behaviour is often like mud when it comes to our own. We can be taken in by/give validity to and engage with arguments from a wrong doer/abuser that we'd dismiss out of hand if it were our friend/sister/an acquaintance.

So while I agree op would naturally question his bullshit, I don't agree it's implicitly clear that she's dismissed it totally out of hand, that it hasn't had any effect whatsoever on her decision to try to forgive and continue their relationship.

I mean, if it's truly dismissed as bullshit (which it should be), what op is saying is not only is she going to forgive her h having sex with a woman they both knew fancied him/was up for it during a period of stress/distress in their lives (op also mentioned a mid life crisis) and lying about it for a while ... But she's also going to accept he gave himself permission to do that because he felt she wasn't sufficiently loving, attentive, and making him feel wanted; while he'd gone "off the rails" and she was dealing with that on top of the disability diagnosis for her child.

So basically "I chested mostly because I'm selfish and totally unreasonable" - you should have been loving and attentive towards me while I was inflicting stress on you and acting very poorly. You weren't so that's the main reason I gave myself permission to have sex with another woman behind your back".

That doesn't sound like the sort of person you should be persevering in a relationship with! Totally aside from all the pain, betrayal, mistrust, bitterness, tainting of the marriage etc from the actual infidelity.

@Marshmallowara having been through this, I never doubted for a second that she wasn’t dismissing the bullshit part. That’s all I’m saying. For me, personally, it was a given. For others reading it, clearly not.