Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

I just read all of your posts. I'm seven years on from where you are now, and my ex rarely crosses my mind, but news like Hancock's utter twattery brings back all the rage like it was yesterday.

Keep your chin up. Happier days are ahead.

@Esca ❤️ thanks x

God why am I feeling guilty about logging it 😔

Because you are a nice person but you need to do it to protect yourself and your dc

Thanks 😘

Hi. I’ve not read all the replies but this is how I personally feel about infidelity. I’ve been with my dh since I was a teenager (40 now) and the love I have for him now is just as powerful, if not more so, than when we met all those years ago. I’d like to think that I’m strong, resilient, forgiving and could get over most things, but cheating is most definitely not one of them. I don’t need for it to happen to me to know exactly what I’d do if my dh cheated, it would be the end of our marriage and there would be no going back. I have dc but that would not influence my decision in the slightest as staying with a cheating partner for the sake of the dc is ridiculous. Fwiw my df cheated on my dm and I judged her quite harshly for staying with him. I’ve never told her that to this day as it wouldn’t go down to well.

Sal, how are you doing?

@MsDogLady hey I'm ok thanks , he's still not seeing a lot of the kids but I'm not going to push him to - doesn't bother at weekends really . I'm so glad to be out of it just anxious about what the future holds now having to stay connected to him

Thanks for updating, Sal. He has been such a loose cannon, I wouldn’t push for more contact either.

It is mind-boggling to think of his dramatic confession months ago, when he acted so distraught about his wrongdoing. But then during reconciliation you discovered his lies and half-truths. You’ve shown such courage and decisiveness, and refused to tolerate his manipulations and destructive path.

Keep us updated, Sal!

Thanks 😊 xxx

Haven't a difficult time with my eldest being upset and Ex not really bothering . Mum said I need to tell him how upset that's making children - which I did and he's like just get them to call me then 👍 but I'm feeling like if he can't be bothered then they deserve better and I don't want to chase him to see them . So feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place

He's gone all weekend without seeing it speaking to them again , I txt him on Friday asking to FaceTime them and heard nothing back so left it, until today and he said he'll
Speak to them later 🙄

@sal1223 could you get the children to FaceTime him and then if he doesn't answer it will also be a log of how you've tried to give contact. Possibly it may upset the DC if he ignores the calls. Sorry you're going through this.

Yeah we were doing that but he kept answering in noisy pubs etc so we txt first now . Kids off now isolated so he won't see them for nearly 2 weeks !

Quick update. I'm feeling good , loosing weight and divorce hopefully final by the end of the year . In a warped way I'm glad this has happened because I should have got rid of him 5 years ago , looking back he's been a shit husband and father and I was just trying to keep it together . Weird feeling losing something bad

@sal1223 this thread dropped off and couldn’t find it , I was wondering the other day how you were! So glad you are in such a good place and got rid of this excess baggage. Some people waste a lifetime putting up with bad behaviour and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you now x

@Queenofsupreme ah thanks 😘 yeah I mean I do feel like I've lost some years but so thankful to be out of it - looking back I don't really think he ever lived me the way I wanted to be loved because I just didn't feel it - that makes me sad but at least I've still time to find love

Fully divorced and house sold by end of November ❤️ anyone that stumbles across this thread and is in the same boat I was - jump ship , you're worth so much more and you will feel relieved! X

Sal! It’s so great to hear from you. You are truly an inspiration. 💕

How are your children? Are they seeing much of their dad?

Good for you!! You are a strong woman .

Good for you Sal! You are definitely worth so much more. There's definitely a beautiful life on the other side! It's strange the more time that goes by, the more it's like lifting a blindfold and you wonder why on earth you stayed with them for so long! Onwards and upwards!

Just read your post and wanted to reply. Five years ago my Husband cheated. It destroyed our family, I moved out with two young children. He said he wanted to be with her. After 18 months of absolutely hell for me, rented accommodation, kids unhappy he realized she wasn't all that and he wanted his family back. I went back to him, did the hysterical bonding shit, and then some. It didn't work. I ended up one night absolutely ranting, hating at him. I could not stand to be near him. It was only then that he realized the damage.
We are still together but much more equals. He respects me now and I think that was what was missing. He took me and his family for granted.He knows he is lucky to have a second chance.

Thanks for the replies
@MsDogLady he's calling in to see them at my house , not very consistently and has a habit of cancelling weekend visits (8 in a row at one point ) I've been just keeping cool and not chasing him to see them as like I've said before he's not a good person. And they're not actually getting much out of seeing him / it's not great quality contact . He's fallen asleep here a couple of times which has resulted in a bit of a row - him getting shitty (the nerve of that man) says it's coz he's visited after work and he's tired so maybe he should just stop coming in the week.
He's got a girlfriend now by the sounds of it and doesn't appear to be living a particularly healthy lifestyle .
The option of him taking them anywhere or having him on his own is firmly off the table at the moment as far as I'm concerned . I couldn't trust him to be responsible enough. - he hasn't asked for it anyway . I'm still concerned about his mental health and drug use . Not sure where I'd stand if it came to the crunch or how much power I have out of court . But I'm just crossing every bridge as I come to it , still have the odd sad day but still glad I'm out x

And kids are both fine , eldest not really getting upset and youngest becoming more verbal and engaging- which I always thought would start coming as he got older