Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@Mn753 we've had our moments but generally a good marriage (particularly low point when this happened) . Thanks will look it up

Ok, this is dead in the water.

One day you'll look back and wish you had fucked him out if you don't do it now.

He had sex with someone else, what an utter bastard. I couldn't get past it.

The absolute brass neck of these men that think they can shag someone else and come home. Just fuck off.

It's the humiliation factor we struggle with culturally. If he'd gotten into a fight or gambled away 3k in a night most people would be inclined to work through it, but an affair seems to humiliate the spouse so we see it as spineless to let it slide. However if a marriage is otherwise strong and you love that person and want to be with them then that is an absolutely legitimate choice. I wince at all the blended families, step kids drama on here. People feel justified starting over several times with new partners /kids but I don't know if it is ideal for anyone.

Mumsnet is not a safe space to discuss surviving.
You aren't allowed to have any feelings about the ow here.
Try the survivinginfidelity website.

Firstly he needs to buy read and follow
Helping my spouse heal from my affair.

You need to have a life outside of his, work on who you are separate from him.

If he helps you heal then it is possible to survive.
I'm over two years out from being told about an affair that happened years prior.
The AP was supposedly my best friend.
She was as honest as I could expect at the time of disclosure.

I wrote many letters to her that I never sent.

It can be better but o my if he help you feel safe again

I’m nearly 2 years post discovery that my dh had an affair - I don’t think it will ever be the same as before but it’s a lot lot better than it was for the first year and there’s a definite move back to normality. I think we’ll be happy again and I don’t think about it all the time anymore but I’ll never have the complete naive trust I had before so it’s altered.

There are some positives compared to pre affair - after a LOT of counselling he’s a much more mindful person in general

[quote sal1223]@Mn753 we've had our moments but generally a good marriage (particularly low point when this happened) . Thanks will look it up [/quote]
Then give it a reeeeeeaaaaallly good shot. I don't mean to be flippant but imagine you were on holiday by yourself and your favourite Hollywood crush came onto you and you got carried away, and it was thrilling. I doubt it would reduce your love for your husband at all, and certainly would not be a reason to end a happy marriage. I bet you have shared intimacies with friends before and didn't feel you had to end your marriage. We put so much pressure on one person over decades, it's not reasonable. Get through this, grow old together. Find me a marriage that long that hasn't had difficulties.

no sisterhood when she had sex with him though sadly she didn't care one bit -most decent women wouldn't do it

Yeah, no decent woman would do it . But it's him that took a vow to never cheat on or hurt you. And now he's crying because she seduced him and he hates himself for it? 🙄 He shagged her because he wanted to.

Agree totally with this: “Mumsnet is not a safe space to discuss surviving.
You aren't allowed to have any feelings about the ow here.”

This tends to be the norm, OP, here. LTB and a blameless OW is usually the majority of responses and is, of course, as valid a response as any other, and sometimes true, but not in every single case.
If you want to give him another chance or weigh up choices, it’s hard to find unbiased advice here. Only you know well enough if he is safe enough to give another chance to, nobody here knows you, him or your marriage. What they can offer is their experience and how they dealt with it. Not everyone’s experience is the same, however, and there are always more justifications for leaving than staying and trying again. Neither path is easy, but ultimately only you know him well enough to be able to make that decision. Affair recovery websites offer a more balanced view and despite their title, do not advocate staying with anyone no matter what. They offer advice on how to recover from betrayal, whether that’s inside or outside of the relationship and viewpoints are more balanced there than here. Good luck OP, this is really hard to go through. X

crashband
I am so sorry. How did you get over this? I cannot imagine the double betrayal.

Disneymillie
Good that you are in a better place. You have accepted it happened and are working at a new marriage.

OK - I will stand up. How many will shoot me down though? In the past women didn't have the financial choice to leave their husbands so divorce was seen as a sin. It has now turned around so anyone who stays after infidelity must either be mad, think they can't make it on their own or just have no respect for themselves. There is another option though - that through councilling, soul searching etc they got through it. I know lots of couples probably should just call it a day but sometimes it's worth giving it a try to get to the bottom of why the infidelity took place. Good luck with whatever you decide Sal x

@Esther95 I don't know that , I'm not stupid

@DisneyMillie thanks that's what I'm hoping for and seeing the start of - much more mindful

And thanks everyone else for your responses it's been helpful x

I *DO know that ! 🙄 and yeah he wanted to at the time , he also did it because he felt wanted and I imagine other 'reasons' . There's no excuse but there are other factors involved

Sorry OP you are in this torturous situation. I was in the same position and found out accidentally 18 months ago. I had him back for a bit but couldnt get past the fact that he could betray me so easily no matter how sorry he was.

I tried but I still have anger issues with him. The reality is he is no longer the person I thought I loved. The person I thought I could trust who was so easily available for sex with someone else. That person has gone and so had my trust and respect, so rather than life a half life I ended it.

Some marriages can survive but the figures are very low.You will need to overcome the strong emotions that come with infidelity. Only you know if you can. TRUST your gut feeling.

I remember your previous thread very well Sal. At the time most of us said that only you could make this decision, wished you luck but pointed out that, sooner or later, the doubts would start creeping in as you came to appreciate that the marriage could never be the same

It sounds as if that's exactly what's happening, so while it's good that you're having counselling, it might be that you'll decide there's simply no way back ... and if that does happen, at least you'll know you gave it every possible chance

@gonnabeok thanks for your reply - did you leave him?

@Puzzledandpissedoff hey 👋 yes I had a lot of good advise - to be honest it's been ok just having 'moments' and waiting for lockdown to ease and life to go back to 'normal' to see what our new normal really is x

@gonnabeok sorry I misread , yes you left and couldn't get past it . Thing is this is SO out of character for my husband and I really can't see him doing it again or being in the same circumstances with that sort of opportunity again.

Nearly 2 years on from finding out my H had an affair. Didn’t kick him out straight away as dd was about to start exams. That was my biggest mistake . He is still here he will not leave . I have tried to forgive him but can’t. I have made it very clear from D DAY that our marriage is over . He just will not except it. I have tried but I don’t live him and I don’t respect him. He says he will do anything it will take to make it work but I don’t know what that is . Lockdown has not helped .
This is not a LTB story but for me the trust is gone amd I don’t know how to get it bad and neither does he. He can give me phone laptop etc any time but I don’t want to turn into someone that checks it 24/7 . I have only told 3 people in real
Live as I know my family would never forgive him and I don’t want that. At the end of the day he is my kids dad. Even if I think he is a prick .
Best of luck

Problem is I still love him .

I'm 8 years from finding out husband had a one night stand with a work colleague at a Christmas party (cliche!). We now have two children together. I'll write more tomorrow but each situation is unique. You can both get through this if you want to

@Eightmagpies ok I'll look out for that as this seems much more like my situation thanks

I believe he loves me too 🙄

There seems to be a sisterhood reaction on mn when anything is ever said about the other woman, no sisterhood when she had sex with him though sadly she didn't care one bit -most decent women wouldn't do it

At the end of the day directing your anger at the woman involved and demonising her while listening to your husbands reasons for it and seeing him as a human who made a mistake helps in part to let him off the hook...but your husband is the one who cheated on you. She's just as human as she is and probably had lots of reasons or insecurities or god knows what that led her to do that...and the thing is there are tonnes of women out there who will also take scraps from married man for all sorts of reasons...but at the end of the day you need to know that your man would never cheat on you no matter what, not because there's a sisterhood which stops women from doing that to other women, but because he would choose to be loyal every time!

I'm sorry to be harsh but I think the chance of surviving this and being happy and healthy after are nearly impossible. I would be cutting my losses.

No we got divorced

There are so many types of betrayal and many different types of marriage.
It's madness to say all women should LTB instantly.
Maybe if you are 17, but couples with years behind them and children, there is a lot to weigh up.

Each marriage has a different rulebook and that rulebook can also change over time. When I think of men and one night stands I think of immaturity and peer pressure, along with the exitement.
Many women who forgive ONS 's can usually see it as not intentional, not pre planned, something they too if having one too many could find themselves in that possition.
The younger you are, the more the probability goes up in this scenario, whereas a 57 year old having a ONS would be more unnaceptable.
The rulebook changes.

Affairs are the real killers in my opnion, whether emotional or physical, the longevity of it with one other person is soul destroying, you have lost your protector, your friend and lover all in one go.
So very difficult to get past this, but people do, some live in harmony and re-kick their friendship, maybe the sex gets put on hold, others live in a strange twilight world of detesting and continually punishing the betrayer.
I think all you can do is apply your own rulebook, don't be ashamed if you wish to carry on.
Be as strong as you can be in the decision you make, yes it is biased on this forum, but there is exceptional advice, what you take from it is key.

I do think women should not be shamed for whatever decision they make and it is a shame that women feel scared to post about advice on staying with someone.
Hell I don't know if some woman's husband has had 27 affairs yet has got 27 dependants who needs the guys money.

We shouldn't judge the support that is needed, although I am guilty of judging some people who are not sorry for hurting others.

Otherwise no I won't condem someone for staying, sometimes the stayers are treated worse than the ow on this forum.

You are right in that I don't think anyone knows how they will react until it happens to them. It's very easy to tell someone what to do in this situation, but the only person who can make the decision is you. Friends and family need to support you whatever you decide to do.

I guess we have 'survived' infidelity in that we are 4.5 years past me finding out. It's not been easy, it's been really painful for us both but I am genuinely glad I stayed. We did individual counselling for a while and DH was diagnosed with aspergers. I feel as though I know him a lot more now than I did, and that in itself was also a massive shock. I had no idea about so many things he struggled with, and still does to be honest. Communication still needs to improve but I think we understand each other much better than we did.

Being cheated on changes you forever. I never had trust issues before, but I also know that going forward I would have trust issues whether I was with DH or someone else entirely, because I was so astounded that he cheated in the first place. Ignorance is bliss in many ways. MN generally will say a leopard never changes its spots but ultimately you know more about the situation than any of us do and it's your call. You are the one who has to live with the decision you make. I'm sorry you are going through this