Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

All I can say is I've noticed a pattern - something traumatic happens. The woman tries to move on and put it behind her. She usually manages to limp on and after about 2 years she can't take anymore (sometimes it stretches to five but its very often 2). At that point she's done all she can to make it work but just can't forget what he did and start to accept the relationship is over.

Sometimes the only way to free yourself from thinking about it is to let go. I don't think you can really move on psychologically unless you forgive him, and it's ok if you don't.

Earthsight
There is definitely something about the two year mark. You are no longer in deep pain, yet not far enough in recovery to forget the pain your spouse brought to you.

I became angry and had many "how dare he destroy me" moments. I reflected on the monster I became because of the pain and hated myself for allowing my h to this to me. I hated myself for staying and felt he would never again respect me. I decided on an in-house separation as I wanted to make him feel that I had physically distanced myself from him. I wanted him to wake up to me not being there so he could be reminded of his actions. At times I want to be intimate to satisfy my needs and withold as I worried he will feel once we have sex, all is well with us again. He is always cuddling up to me and I freeze. I feel weak if I give in - like I am betraying myself. I fantasise about leaving every single day. I picture my furnished three bed house and new car on the drive, both of which I could not possibly afford on my salary with no savings or investments. I wish I had been in the financial position to walk away for six months/a year then decide (or not) to return on my terms. The reality is I could have stretched to a room in a house share.

I went on to have an affair so should be more understanding but I am not. I am a hypocrite. It is bloody difficult but trying to take each hour at a time. I stress and have extreme anxiety when I think ahead.

I fantasise about leaving every single day. I picture my furnished three bed house and new car on the drive, both of which I could not possibly afford on my salary with no savings or investments. I wish I had been in the financial position to walk away for six months/a year then decide (or not) to return on my terms. The reality is I could have stretched to a room in a house share.

This is why I will not tether myself financially to a man, or ever get married. Imagine feeling like you have to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on you. Even the men you would imagine to be 100% faithfull often end up cheating .

No thanks.

I'm here by choice at the moment and seeing how I feel day by day , we have a long history and full life together -I appreciate the replies . In all honesty it's so easy to say end it when it's not happened to you - I said it myself literally a week before he told me - my friend found out her husband had an 8 month affair, I said I could never ever get over something like that 100% , my circumstances are different as it was one night . I don't think it's unusual or unwarranted to feel anger about the ow , it doesn't mean I'm any less angry and upset with him

Esther95
I earn a salary above the national average but am no way a high earner. The council/housing association waiting list is as high as the sky. The mortgage calculator shows I could buy a one bed but where would the dc stay? My h could also only afford a one bed on his salary alone - not ideal when we have 2 dc. It is a shit situation and I am annoyed with myself daily for not being more qualified and smart enough to have a lucrative career.

@Faith50 if I was that unhappy and in your situation I'd go for a 1 bed for the time being -get the kids bunks and sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge - it must be so damaging to your mental health living with someone you feel that way about

Sal1223
It is an awful situation to be in. Having to make decisions that will greatly impact on your family. The longer the affair, the more deceit - definitely harder to get over the fact that your spouse chose to return to om/ow time and time again. Your friend must be beside herself. Unless the ow/om personally knows you, you are someone so far removed. Yes, they knew you existed but it is very easy to block someone out if you do not see or hear them.

She's trying again with him though - she's like me, married kids long relationship and both known to ow so not exactly far removed . I do feel like her situation is worse than mine - very different circumstances when it's a long affair vs one night under the influence, also her husband was busted , mine confessed (albeit 3 years late 😫) my husband doesn't know what's happened to my friend as she's kept it very private for fear of the shame people knowing she took him back - but like me really I've told a close friend and my mum . It does feel a bit shameful but someone on previous thread said it takes strength to give someone a second chance which I think it does

Your anger should 100% be for him op not the ow. Sorry there are skanks out there that have no sisterhood but if my dh did this it would all be on him in my mind. I wouldn’t give the ow a thought.

@Lovedove it's not really for anyone else to tell me how I should feel - my anger isn't 100% on him there is space for anger towards her too , if it hasn't happened to you then you can only hypothesise how you'd feel - I couldn't have predicted my response , I was certain he'd be out the door and we'd be getting a divorce right now

Hi OP. I mentioned up-thread it had happened to me.

After reading your message and replying, it triggered me (which I knew it would). DH asked if I was ok and I cried a little. He comforted me and we talked honestly again and then we went back to our evening. This is 8 years on.... As you can tell, it's been a long road.

We were both newly married when it happened and we'd been together for 8 years previously, since meeting at uni. At the time we were childless, didn't own a property and we earned a similar salary. Both in our late 20s and could have easily walked away.

For me, my husband and I are best friends. I would have been punishing myself by walking away from a relationship I was happy in and wanted for the rest of my life.

His actions since the event have obviouslyhelped:open, honest, apologetic, loving, remorseful etc.

The recovery isn't linear and as you can tell, I'm still hurt.

The good massively outweighs the bad and I am happy with my decision to stay.

We have a wonderful family life and open, honest communication.

Also, I think having options has helped me. I could still walk away if I wanted to but I don't because I enjoy my life and like and love my husband.

Please do what is right for you!

I'm actually feeling better today and not wanting to contact her and open that door - goes to show I'm better not acting impulsively because I think I'd have regretted it today

@sal1223

I'm struggling today with feeling angry, wanting to contact ow and tell her that I know and that I think she's disgusting (she's moved abroad now) but I know it'll just send my anxiety through the roof and not achieve anything. She knows me , knew he was married and made it known she had her eye on him - I thought it was funny back then - not laughing now am I

It was the opportunity, not her.

If it hadn't been her/that opportunity - it would've been someone else.

There's no point in focusing on her - she's irrelevant.

(Fwiw she shagged a married man who didn't want to/had no intention of leaving his wife for her, so sociopaths aside, she's probably not got great self esteem/standards. Her life's a bit sad/sordid in that respect).

@Eightmagpies thank you for sharing and I'm sorry it triggered you . My h is full of remorse and regret and I'm hoping I can get over this as we've had a good marriage , ups and downs like everyone but we work well together . I have the freedom to end things whenever I like it would be very straightforward and easy so I guess that helps too

It has happened to me in a long term relationship. I left him.
We all know there are women out there who actively pursue married men or aren’t fazed by them being married. I can’t control those people and they don’t owe me anything. My partner does and made the choice. I know you can’t change how you feel but you can check yourself and redirect your anger back to the person that really deserves it.
I remember your other thread. Is he still committed to no drink/drugs going forward , or will it only be tested after lockdown ends? I think when he starts going out again will probably be the real test of trust and whether you can cope with the feelings it brings

People like that rarely have true respect for themselves, don't worry about her.

Focus on your h.

It sounds like he confessed without compulsion (?). Just on his own conscience ... That and the fact that it's apparently isolated, suggests he's not a cynical, two faced, shagger type. This sounds like I'm advocating for forgiveness but actually I'm.daying the opposite; for someone like that (bothered him so much he confessed) it sounds like something is no longer working in the relationship for him, that he doesn't value it in the sane way, that he might, underneath it all, want out.

If that's the case, this will crop up again (his lack of commitment, if not outright infidelity) and you might be kicking the can down the road if you try to stay together now.

@MarshmallowAra yes I get what you're saying - she is irrelevant. Honestly though if it hadn't had been her it I truly don't believe it would have happened with someone else - the circumstances of this are what lead to it - he didn't go out to cheat on me

Is he still committed to no drink/drugs going forward

Sounds like there is a lot more going on with this man (and a lot more you've been putting up with) than an isolated incident of infidelity.

Thank you. Don't be sorry though, that's my issue. I wanted to share because I wanted you to have a balanced view.

And you're right, people don't know how they're going to respond until it happens. Circumstances, factors etc are all unique.

he didn't go out to cheat on me

Absolutely.
But I think he took an opportunity, and a similar opportunity could have cropped up at any other time. Yes, regular people dont get many such opportunities without looking, but they're not unique.

He clearly chose to take the opportunity, and if he's got some morals (which it sounds like he's not without, given he's told you this without being caught) then it sounds like somewhere deep; he:s possibly not committed any more, perhaps he wants out. (But is not capable of ending it himself at this time).

@Lovedove yes he says he's still committed and has been nothing short of amazing with me, the kids and house but I still won't know until after lockdown if he's really going to make the change so I'm not fully committed yet I suppose . He's been off the rails and let this happen - he's 100% responsible for this I know that but he is usually a good man and husband

Someone using drink & drugs to an extent that it's problematic, and now cheating on their wife (even if it is a one-off to date) doesn't sound happy, stable or settled.

You actually don't sound like you should be in couples therapy at all - he sounds like he's bringing a lot of unacceptable, unfair shit to your relationship, marriage & family; and you (and your kids even if they're apparently not aware) are victims of that.

Yes there is more to this and I hadn't intended on getting into it on this thread but one of our children has a disability and after diagnosis h went off the rails big time .
I do believe he wants to be here , I've told him I would support him leaving and stay amicable - I've told him exactly how we'd financially separate assets etc and have it all mapped out and planned for a very easy divorce - he could so easily walk away

@MarshmallowAra he was bringing a lot of unfair awful shit to the relationship - now he's confessed he says a weights been lifted and he wants to be a better man etc etc , I've chosen to give him another chance and will walk away at the first sign of any previous behaviour