Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@Seadad yes exactly that thank you, your post definitely makes sense to me .
. ''What you've described doesn't involve those horrible hideous traumas that leave someone destroyed.'' ---this & '' I think you either treat it as something to make better or give up on. Either one might be the right answer for you. It's enough to leave but it's not irreparable if you want to repair.''

@marineboy67

I absolutely hate it when people say "it was just sex and meant nothing" How can it mean nothing when it hurts so much?

I completely agree and maybe the phrase should be changed to:

I felt nothing (not for the person who you were with nor for the partner)

Every act of infidelity will mean something! To say it was just sex it meant nothing - usually means it meant nothing in comparison to my marriage, my children, my home, my life!!
Sex with someone new can be profound. It can more often be a bit disappointing and embarrassing in the morning when you start to reflect soberly on what you've done.

For my h he said it didn't mean anything emotionally and there were no romantic / love feelings towards her - what I gather from what he's said it meant to him was feeling wanted

Feeing desired and wanted sexually when he was low - and I suppose the ego boost that came with that.

I didn't want him at the time as he was a total asshole going off the rails after the diagnosis we'd received , so it's his fault things weren't good between us and he should have addressed it at the time obviously

I'm.soery to be so negative op but from the outside your h comes across as a selfish arsehole.

His response to a disability diagnosis in one if his children is to "go off the rails".

When his wife is naturally frustrated and perhaps angry and upset as a result of his behaviour ; which is not fair behaviour; and she's not paying him loads of attention, being all cosy & sexy, centring him .. is to cheat in her with a woman who's interested in him.

Then when he finally tells her about it, he's glad because it's "a load off his shoulders".

So when he should have been pulling together with you, he was going off the rails - and no doubt making you hold everything together. Yours not allowed to respond to that by being anything but attentive and living towards him otherwise he feels "unwanted" and takes the opportunity to shag someone else and break his wedding vows.

There are a lot of bizarre excuses here and an awful lot of selfishness.

Sorry about all the typos.

Isn't it a good thing that your response to a disability diagnosis in one of your children isn't substance abuse and infidelity too, or your children wouldn't have much of a home life.

@MarshmallowAra on the previous thread a lot of people said this as dh sounded very selfish and exactly as you’ve outlined. His reaction to the betrayal was mostly to blame everyone else. Op has continued anyway.
I think I’d always worry if we went through hard times again a dh like this would be going off the rails again. Me and my dh have been through utter hardship last few years. He’s been a rock and held the family together. I couldn’t imagine him falling apart and going on benders and sleeping with other women. Couldn’t cope with that shit personally, especially not on top of existing hardships. That’s not the way adults deal with life’s problems. I’d feel like I had to keep life wonderful and happy all the time to stop him cheating.

Unless you have been in this exact same situation you can't say what you'd do.

I didn't come here to ask for judgement - I came to ask if anyone could share any success stories as I am trying to get past all the shitty awful things my husband has done where as it's now feeling like it's turning into a bit of an attack on my choice to try and move on , like hypothetical scenarios where my children would be neglected - that's unnecessary .

I couldn't imagine my husband going on benders and shagging someone else either after 15 good years together - but he did and I'm sure many others before him have

On my part it's not an attack on.your choice to move on, it's concern about you decision given you've been treated very very poorly at a stressful/distressing time for your family.

And pointing out that you could hardly have been blamed for not making him feel 'wanted" while he was "off the rails" - which it's fair to assume meant you were having to shoulder more responsibility for your kids/family life ... Is not remotely suggesting your children could have been neglected.

Oh and there's more than one way to "move on" incidentally.

Some posters are angry/outraged on your behalf at his behaviour and excuses for it; it's not an intended attack on you.

Anyway if you only want responses from posters who've successfully forgiven infidelity, I couldn't contribute; so all the best op.

I wonder if he'd be as forgiving as you are if the shoe were on other foot.

@MarshmallowAra

Isn't it a good thing that your response to a disability diagnosis in one of your children isn't substance abuse and infidelity too, or your children wouldn't have much of a home life.

I found this suggested scenario unnecessary- I do get what you're saying and I know it comes from a good place but I'm not stupid and will absolutely not tolerate anything like what I have done before - I didn't actually know the full extent of it either until now I was too busy with kids & work - but now it's done I have a choice whether to give him a second chance or not and I'm trying , it could change- I'm taking each day as it comes . He has redeeming qualities and like I said was a good husband and father before all of this so there is potential for it to work if he puts the work required in

@diwrnachoflleyn who knows ? Again it's hypothetical- I can only deal with the facts and face what's happened

I won't be living a torturous life of sadness and anger , if I can't get past this I'll be out and if I can then we could be happy again . I said before that the way I feel is that which ever way this goes I will ultimately be happy , if we stay together and he's made every effort to be the best of himself then we'll be happy as we once were - if he doesn't change his behaviour and do all of those things the we'll end up divorced and I'll be happily not married to a selfish asshole

I found this suggested scenario unnecessary

What I was pointing out, very clumsily in retrospect, is that when experiencing a stressful/distressing thing .. you were expected to soldier on, hold it together, there was no room for you be low or off the rails, only him; and that wasn't even good enough (that you held things together while he went off the rails, you then had to be living, attentive, "want" him, and centre him ... Even while dealing with the results of him being off the rails (and acting like an arsehole as you've said).

That's a pretty twisted excuse for infidelity ... You didn't make me feel wanted (while i was off the rails and causing you stress, upset, inconvenience etc.) so I had sex with that woman you were aware was interested in me. Come on.

(It seems hard to believe such an unfair, unequal balance of power, such self centredness etc just popped up and has zero background).

To reiterate, I don't see why should you be in couples counseling; he should be in individual counselling to work out why he has behaved this despicably, and how he's never ever going to repeat it.

Maybe some individual counselling for you to deal with what's happened would help, but you're certainly not responsible for this and you shouldn't be made to feel like you are one half of the problem, or you have any "work" to do in the couple's counseling, which us what tends to happen with an airy fairy counsellor and a selfish, manipulative person like your h.

@MarshmallowAra yes and that's all true - that's what's happened . And none of its an excuse , there is no excuse for infidelity - he knows that . With the marriage counselling we have been exploring what was happening in our marriage and what made it vulnerable - which is him basically having a meltdown / midlife crisis , being a massively self centred twat with no regard for his wife and kids , which made him especially undesirable to me obviously - he's totally to blame for all of it -which he agrees with

I have had some individual counselling and it was just the same as talking it through with my closest friend . And I will absolutely not and am not expected to except any responsibility for any of this - it's all on him

Luckily I'm really friggin strong and self sufficient so if him being my life doesn't help and support me , bring me happiness or serve any meaningful purpose then I've no need for him