Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

Thanks all ❤️

I'm feeling it tonight , just suddenly hit me how the person I have loved for nearly 2 decades has treated me like someone worthless , like someone they had have zero love for and the last few years of my life have been a lie - it feels like someone's died

Hi Sal, I'm up, if you need to talk.

xx

@Onthedunes thanks , I've calmed now and feeling really tired so going to get to sleep x

Good, you will keep hitting these walls, you have to ride them out but from what I,ve read you are quite the woman.

A remarkable lady.
Sleep well.

Hi OP
Just sending you support as well. The occasional down moment being inevitable as part of the the grief process. Hope you get a good rest and that tomorrow is a better day.

Good morning Sal

Today will be a better day

Hope you’re feeling better Sal, you are working through your grief. It will feel like someone has died.

I was feeling a bit better but he has got nasty about money and harping on about how hard he's got it - found him very confrontational but stayed calm thinking of the end game and told him he is absolutely not to speak to me like that again - bound to have the odd clash with this all going on but he is totally projecting his nastiness and it's making me really hate him - apologised and left but still showed how selfish immature and awful he is . Shame the kids heard us argue 😕😠 they seem pretty unaffected tho and we had a nice evening / good bedtime . Think reality is starting to bite for him a bit now . I'm feeling totally different to last night , don't think I'll ever shed another tear for him again ! 🎉

Onwards and upwards! Aren’t you glad you found out the truth about ow and didn’t waste more years with him. Now you see his true nature constantly.
Are you doing anything nice for yourself? It must be tough basically doing all the parenting now. I hope you have lots of support

I was pretty much doing all the parenting anyway so not much change there , in fact less stressful so 😅 not really doing anything just for me yet but I will , I'm enjoying work and love spending time with the kids . And yes I'm glad , he's changed over the last few years and looking at him now I'm relieved to be out of it x

That’s great to hear 😊 I’ve been following your thread since the very beginning but nc a few times. I’m glad you are doing so well !

I've logged everything that's happened with the police now , no action just logged because there's been times he's frightened me and been intimidating, woman said I'd 100% done the right thing coz it sounds like he's spiralling now and if I ever need to call them then they have a background - felt relieved and guilty at the same time but I just see him allowing the darkness to take over and him and getting worse

If he is comong round unanouced and being frightening and intimidating other than calling the police why dont you buy a covert recording device or camera.

You will have proof of his bullying, men who start to lose control are very scary and the police know this.
It is totally his fault but yet it does not stop them being unreasonable when you start to take back control of your own life.

You may need a restraining order.

Take care x

😖 hope not ! It wasn't unannounced it was to see kids but started and was really wound up - I stayed calm which seems to make it worse !

Please don't let him intimidate you, it is part and parcel of deflecting his blame.

To make you defend yourself against his allegations of him being hit finacially is to stop you from being the victim. He's turning this arround on you, don't fall for it.

I doubt very much he's unhappy when he walks out of the door, he wishes you to believe he's now depressed and upset with the situation

It's an act.
Really everthing he does now you must question, whats he up to, thats how you must think.
I would keep him away from the house and have someone help facilitate him seeing the kids away from your home.
He's acting as though he still is in control, of your property, he has to leave your life and respect your boundaries and your space.

I don't want him having the kids without me there , if he starts again I'll call the police , he was nasty and swore at me in front of my youngest - horrible twat. He could make things difficult with the divorce still though , a friend of mine has to wait 5 years or something coz ex won't sign . I need it done and then he can F right off

@Onthedunes To make you defend yourself against his allegations of him being hit finacially is to stop you from being the victim. He's turning this arround on you, don't fall for it.

Yes ☝️ that's exactly what he's doing and I will not / haven't fallen for it . When he left I reminded him that I'm the one that's been wronged , he's so self absorbed thought I do think he truly believes he's hard done by . Well he's said as much changing on about where he's living and how much worse it is than what I've got and he's definitely resentful that I'm ok and have a nice life - which a decent man wouldn't be because him the mother of his children so I absolutely should be ok

Just looking back at my first posts - how much things can changes in a matter of months !! I believed him - you all called it and I was like no he's telling the truth now , honestly 🙄 what a mug - for a fairly switched in person I cannot get my head around how I never knew or how I let this go on , I think I've said it before but where I've seen flickers of nastiness / selfishness over the years they've been overpowered by friendliness / goofiness etc where as now it's like his mask has completed slipped clean off and he's just awful

I don't think he's a narcissist , he doesn't tick enough of those boxes . He's definitely something tho

He’s a self centred twat! It’s a shame you have to see him at all. I know you don’t want to have your kids go off with him. It’s a hard one because then you have to see him a lot :/
Don’t kick yourself for not seeing his true colours , he was hiding them well, like you said by showing a good ( probably fake) side. He’s got no need to show any good side now.
I would probably text him about his outburst and let him know next time you will call the police. Good to have it in writing

Yes I was thinking that about txting - when he contacts me about seeing them next I will say I'm not putting up with any repeat of the behaviour last time .
Police said ask him to leave and then if he doesn't call them - so we'll see what happens. He's not really seeing them a great deal anyway and doesn't stay long .
What do I do if he starts asking to have them away from here ? I let him take eldest to the beach for an hour a couple of weeks ago but other than that I don't want him to take them anywhere and especially not youngest with additional needs - I don't think he's responsible or stable enough . What would I need to do?, other than say no

Police called me back today for more details - they're going to contact the school and social services to make them aware that our situation is difficult and has potential to get worse - still made me feel 😦 when she said social services but she said nothing like the stigma that's attached to it , it's about recording stuff

Many men even though they instigated a break up and wanting to leave still like to turn up.
They don't like to see you move on with your life in any way, they want complete control. Unbelievably selfish.

They have poison put into them such as you're 'sitting pretty' in the family home. Utter rubbish, I should imagine his main reason for coming round is an argument and to keep watch over his past life.

You are right to involve the police if he has the capability of turning aggresive. It is your call if you allow him to take your eldest but try to keep things calm when he takes them.
x

He hasn't turned up unannounced though - it's arranged prior and at the moment not al that often , this will be the second weekend he's not seen them - busy !
I'm still pretty go smacked at the whole thing to be honest - I can't believe the gravity of it . That twat Hancock all over the internet is winding me up. Gotta keep calm like you say and carry on - get divorced 🎉 xxx