Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
gutful · 27/03/2021 08:37

You got married too quickly it sounds like.

A separation might be good - he sounds like he needs to be medicated. I got terrible road rage before I was put on venlafaxine & seroquel (bipolar & manic episodes can include flashes of anger!)

Not saying he has a mental disorder but that his road rages are not a sign of a well/stable mindset.

What do you want Op ?

Palavah · 27/03/2021 08:38

The behaviour you describe sounds exhausting and possibly manipulative. You say he's told you he's 'worked hard not to be like that'. What does he actually do about it? Your thread title maybe shouldn't be how do i stop irritating my husband and what do I do about leaving my shouting ranty husband?

HeeeeeyBogie · 27/03/2021 08:38

Had you known him longer than you had been dating? Each to their own but you don't know someone after six months.
Apparently it takes up to two years for someone to show you who they really are, this could be the real him coming out now.

I would recommend reading the Freedom Programme (free online, just google it) and making sure your birth control is safe and not tampered with. It's a lot easier to get out of a marriage without children.

Arrivederla · 27/03/2021 08:42

I think I would be a bit irritated if someone interrupted my phone conversation tbh, but the way he went on at you afterwards is horrible.

I'm not sure if someone like this is ever likely to change though; it sounds like this works for him and how he has decided to behave in his relationships.Sad

Overthinking1 · 27/03/2021 08:42

you got married to someone too quickly who isn't suitable for you and who you didn't really know.. you havent known him a year.
end it and move on.

Sunflower1970 · 27/03/2021 08:42

I think his overreaction is very worrying. I also would not like to be with somebody who has threatened to leave me and told me we’re not compatible. I think I would go and take some time out. Have you got somebody to stay with? You need to send him a message that this kind of behaviour isn’t acceptable. Think carefully before you are tied down with children

whatswithtodaytoday · 27/03/2021 08:45

This is his problem, not yours to solve. I can't imagine marrying someone after less than a year, you barely know him.

For what it's worth, my partner has never threatened to leave me and we've been together 15 years.

Headisgone · 27/03/2021 08:45

This sounds like my dh. We will be ten years married in september with two young kids. The signs were there at the begining. I should have left then.

I0NA · 27/03/2021 08:45

This “conversation “ - shouting over you, being aggressive and threatening to leave - happens because you don’t things he doesn't like and you disagree with him.

If you want it to stop then you must aways agree with him and never do anything that has even the slightest possibility of annoying him. So every time you are about to speak or act, you must stop and carefully evaluate it’s potential to upset him.

Of course it’s a delicate balance because you also have to make sure that you appear spontaneous and happy , because he won’t like it to look like he’s controlling you.

Every time and everywhere you are you need to always be thinking of him and how he will feel about everything you do, every choice you make.

That’s how to stop this happening. Or at least reduce it. You will always make mistakes like you did on the phone call.

If that same situation happens again and you tell him later of your idea to fix it, he will probably be angry that you didn’t tell him at the time. So it’s a judgement call every time.

So just live your life very very carefully, make yourself smaller and smaller, have no needs or wants that are not compatible with him. Make sure he’s the focus of your thoughts 24/7. Always put him and his wishes and issues first.

Be very very careful if you decide to have children, babies are not very good at always putting their dads needs first and they are very hard to train.

Or you can decide that you don’t want to live like this for the next 50 years and leave.

billy1966 · 27/03/2021 08:46

OP,

I mean this kindly.

You have married a man you don't know.

Turns out he has a temper.

Turns out he is angry.

Turns out you irritate him.

You don't know each other.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.

I would be very surprised if this ridiculously fast wedding lasts.

You have married in haste and will no doubt repent in leisure.

Keep your finances separate.

Do not buy a property together.

This relationship is highly likely to fail.

Try and learn from this.

Marrying someone you don't know was never going to be a good idea or work out.

Please reach out to family and friends for support.

Had you any adult in your life telling whas a silly idea this was?
Go to them and get out of this situation and don't allow it to ruin your life.

People make mistakes and learn from them.
Don't compound this by getting pregnant.

Mind yourself and seek support.

You can fix this blip in your life and move on.
Flowers

ScrumptiousBears · 27/03/2021 08:47

That does sound horrible and whilst your married already I agree with others that you married too soon. He probably told you he was working on it to impress you but now he's married he feels he doesn't anymore. I'd also consider my relationship with him especially before you have children if that's your next step. Kids put more pressure on a relationship and it likely to get worse.

CloudFormations · 27/03/2021 08:48

He sounds awful. Fine for him to be irritated that you interrupted a call but one calm conversation would have been more than enough to resolve that - his reaction is completely over the top and seems really manipulative and aggressive. I would be very wary of someone who couldn’t cope with a minor irritation like that.

Choccyaddict4eva · 27/03/2021 08:48

It will only get worse, this is a massive red flag. Leave and get on with your life before you become even more trapped, and please be careful not to fall pregnant by this man. Men like this don’t change. You deserve better.

Wildern · 27/03/2021 08:51

You married a virtual stranger, OP. You’re finally getting to know him, and not liking the hairtrigger temper you’re seeing.

I’d second suggestions to not acquire property together make sure your contraception is watertight. This marriage is a divorce waiting to happen, and that’s an excellent thing from your POV. How would you advise a good friend if she was being belittled and called names by someone she married ridiculously quickly?

Yayalala · 27/03/2021 08:55

@I0NA
Perfectly put.

OP take note of this

BenoneBeauty · 27/03/2021 08:56

I agree with everyone else Op - get out now while you still can. FWIW, what you did would really annoy me also buy iOS reaction is the problem here, not your actions in the first instance.

tenlittlecygnets · 27/03/2021 08:56

He told you early on he has an anger issue.

You got married when you barely know him.

He's showing you what he's really like.

I'd end it and move on.

His behaviour is worrying and a taste if what's to come.

Namechanged1321 · 27/03/2021 08:58

Ignore people making you feel bad for marriage. Not helpful.

Temper is something that can be overcome but keeping at you all day about a minor issue is a worrying sign.

You need to speak to him. If you feel like you can't say what you did in your op to him then you need to question whether to stay together.

BenoneBeauty · 27/03/2021 08:58

*but his, not buy iOS - sorry for the strange autocorrect!

FromDespairToHere · 27/03/2021 08:58

Have my first ever LTB. Honestly it's not worth it. After 9 months you still barely know him and the person you're getting to know isn't nice and is only going to get worse.

tenlittlecygnets · 27/03/2021 08:58

And what @IONA said 👏👏

This is meant to be the honeymoon period where you're both on your best behaviour. He's not.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/03/2021 08:59

Back the hell out now!
3 months in you don’t know him- wait until it’s a crying baby making him angry.

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 27/03/2021 09:02

He was telling you who he was on that 5th date.
You should still be in the honeymoon period after less than a year together
No shame in admitting you've made a mistake and rectifying it. Life is too short to waste on arseholes

IEat · 27/03/2021 09:07

It is a rude thing to do. It’s not your business. He was over the top by continuing the argument but he is right with his argument that you were justifying your actions. However, his threats to leave/it’s over/make me promise not to do x again is wrong, your an adult and these would have me end things and walk away.

AnxietyForever · 27/03/2021 09:07

Oh dear.. so you want to change your behaviour to please him? Classic abusive relationship when you start walking on egg shells to avoid confrontation and arguments.

Massive red flags, leave leave leave.

And do not have children with him!