How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

Don't show him this thread. He will hit the roof OP!

This is not perfect. It can't be worked on, because he is in control of his behaviour, not you.

Get this book

Hide it from him. You will find him within it’s pages and your future mapped out for you. If you stay.

God this is depressing. You’ve made a huge mistake OP, you don’t see it yet, but you will. How do you stop irritating him? My guess would be a good, submissive little housewife who always prioritises him and have no wants or needs yourself. He’s always right, you’re always wrong.
Is that the life you want?

Sorry, cross posted and see you are speaking to a counsellor. That's good. You could consider showing counsellor you op. Take care

@I0NA

This “conversation “ - shouting over you, being aggressive and threatening to leave - happens because you don’t things he doesn't like and you disagree with him.

If you want it to stop then you must aways agree with him and never do anything that has even the slightest possibility of annoying him. So every time you are about to speak or act, you must stop and carefully evaluate it’s potential to upset him.

Of course it’s a delicate balance because you also have to make sure that you appear spontaneous and happy , because he won’t like it to look like he’s controlling you.

Every time and everywhere you are you need to always be thinking of him and how he will feel about everything you do, every choice you make.

That’s how to stop this happening. Or at least reduce it. You will always make mistakes like you did on the phone call.

If that same situation happens again and you tell him later of your idea to fix it, he will probably be angry that you didn’t tell him at the time. So it’s a judgement call every time.

So just live your life very very carefully, make yourself smaller and smaller, have no needs or wants that are not compatible with him. Make sure he’s the focus of your thoughts 24/7. Always put him and his wishes and issues first.

Be very very careful if you decide to have children, babies are not very good at always putting their dads needs first and they are very hard to train.

Or you can decide that you don’t want to live like this for the next 50 years and leave.

This!!!

@Namechange7625

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.

NO!!!!

Why don't you listen?

How would you react if your H showed you that he'd been posting to a forum about you?

Do you really think he'd take this well? You really don't know each other at all.

What do you mean you took things really slow?? You've been together 9 months and married for 3 of them!!
You are still in the getting to know you stage. Leave the marriage part out of it for now. You are starting to see his real self. Christ only knows why you would have got married after half a year together but don't let that be a reason you stay with someone who treats you badly.

Getting married after 6 months - red flag

Getting married secretly so no-one can question it - red flag

Acting like he's not bothered by marriage but marrying you when you say you're off travelling - red flag

Telling you he gets road rage - red flag

Over-reacting and convincing you it's your fault - red flag

Gaslighting you - red flag

Used to adore your habits, now irritated by them (now showing you his true self) - red flag

How well do you know his friends and family?
How well do you really know him?

It will get worse as time goes on, it will be harder to get out.
You are worth so much more, there are men out there who will treat you kindly, who will genuinely appreciate you for who you are and won't blame you for their behaviour.

Be careful and think about what everyone is saying.

You are minimising this.

Listen to the voices of women who recognise his behaviour for what it is.

We are definitely NOT having DC, neither of us wants them.

Neither of you wanted to get married quickly either.

You wanted to go travelling before getting married.

I would bet good money if you stay together there will be a baby on the scene within a year or so.

I've seen this play out so many times and I'm only 34.

I'm guessing you're much younger and/or haven't had much relationship history and/or have been in an abusive relation or household before. Possibly all three.

"I've told him my bottom line is not to be spoken to the way he speaks to me and I'm not responsible for his responses. He says I push and push and he gave me plenty of warning (he didn't, we were rowing, why can he say things to me but I cant say things back)".

He is not respecting your bottom line either so what does that tell you about him and his inherent opinion of you?. As mentioned too these types always but always blame someone else, its never their own fault.

How did you take it slow?

Genuinely I don't know what you mean by taking it slow but getting married after six months?

I'd lay bets that if you start making moves to leave, he'll want to up the commitment stakes again by wanting a baby or having a contraception fail.

Leave him. Men don't change. You are not the problem, he is. Save yourself the pain and leave as soon as realistically possible. Good luck!

He honestly is the most loveliest man apart from when he has a point that he needs to be right about and escalates it to an argument as he's irritated with me.

You have married a man who is lovely only when you behave the way he thinks is correct.

I'm very sorry. Do read @I0NA 's post very carefully. Then read it through a few more times and let that sink in.

Is that the life you want for yourself ? For your children?

Think about how behaviour training for dogs works. Lots of treats and attention when they do desired behaviour ...

There is no shame in accepting that this has turned out to be a mistake. Make sure your chosen contraception method is 100%, do not allow yourself to be trapped by having a child in this situation

Do you have somewhere to go? Can you support yourself? Get out as fast as you can. Separate now. You can start divorce for unreconcilable difference once a year is up.

Separation & divorce is the way to escape a life of making yourself small to avoid irritating a man, who actually gets off on the power and control he is exerting over your life.

Don't let him

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

I can’t believe that you think getting married 6 months after meeting someone is ‘taking it slow’.

I'm so sorry, I know you feel he's perfect for you but he's clearly not. You know you shouldn't be feeling like this. You don't really know him but you're now getting to see who he is. There are big red flags all over your post if you know what you're looking for. Please do the freedom programme online and look at leaving this man. It's unlikely he will change, it'll only get worse xx

He is gas lighting you OP. Trying to make you second guess yourself. Over time he will erode your confidence and depending on how abudive he is underneath the veneer, may start to isolate you from friends and family.

Look at his own family. What’s the dynamic like? People often follow patterns of behaviour. For example how his father treated his mother or if there is no father on the scene, how he was allowed to treat his mother.

So now, you have told him your bottom line, he has responded by telling you why it's all your fault anyway, hasn't accepted your bottom line and has now told you that what happened yesterday didn't happen the way you remember it... And you post "if he is abusing me....." WAKE UP!!! LEAVE! And make sure you are in charge of contraception, that he can't tamper with.

If you take away one thing from this thread @Namechange7625 , do not show him your hand. This thread, other resources.

It is not just a case of you 'making him see' you point of view. He doesn't care about that, he cares about being right. And training to to accept that.

It's chilling.

The advice on this thread is your secret weapon. You are clear that if he is abusive, you will leave. Lots of people on this thread pointing out signs of abuse which you are not seeing.

You will need a lot of strength to get out and it might take you time to realise the real position. It might take a few goes before you manage it. He will have powerful arguments to keep you.

Good luck.

@Namechange7625

No I don't feel like I was love bombed, we took things really slow (ironic considering the quick marriage) until I said I didnt want to get married and wanted to go travelling ect, he also said he didn't want to get married and then said if there was anyone I would marry it would be you. We were going to go to Gretna Green but found out they don't do quick marriages anymore so gave our notices and did it in secret at the registrars office.

We were really compatible, I felt that our values and morals matched, we had loads of fun together and he adored me (and my annoying interrupting habits). Now I just irritate him. He's just asked me if I want to go look at something he's buying this morning, I've said no and I still feel hurt by yesterday - he's turned it round on me again and said that I was the one who threatened to leave and he only said it after I said it. I know I didnt say it!

This was a play. He played you, and it is absolutely not your fault. My ex did this and changed directly after we got married too, he is showing you his true nature, he is a manipulator. Run.

I think you just sound incompatible.

Dh and I both had fiery tempers when we met and had some flaming rows. If either of us had recounted a single on one here we would have been told to ltb.

But it wasn’t really a problem, neither of us got that upset, and we learnt about what each of us really cared about and so learned how to live together smoothly. We’ve now bedn together 30 years and I can’ remember the last row, I know it was before we had dc and the eldest is 14.

Interrupting conversations on the phone is rude and annoying. But it's a tiny tiny thing and could just be addressed with a request not to do it then completely forgotten about. So yiu did a minor annoying thing as we all do! His reaction though, just not remotely proportional. If things are escalating like this from something so small I'd worry about how he's going to act when something big happens.

Also 6 months is no time to know a person is toinds like you got married too quickly sorry.

Oh dear, this marriage is headed nowhere good for you OP. You won’t listen so I won’t bother telling you, but just remember that you were warned, then next time you might be minded to listen.

@Namechange7625

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.

OMG OP NOOOOOOOO....DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!!! You are in an abusive relationship, please go back to your therapist with this so she can give you the tools to escape this marriage immediately!

I meant take it slow as in we dated for ages before shagging - didn't even kiss till 5th date. He didn't text me all hours of the day and night. He was really respectful.

He's had a shower and has now said to me that he knows his anger isn't normal and he will pay for outside help but wants me to acknowledge what I do wrong - making the argument about what he says or how he says things to me rather than the issue he's raising. I'm not saying I don't do this, I do have a negative filter and am quite sensitive to rejection (horrible childhood issues). The example he used was yesterday he said my behaviour (in his opinion justifying what I did) was disgusting, I said back you think I'm disgusting and then the argument escalates as he says no I said your behaviour is. But honestly my 'behaviour wasn't disgusting, I was having a conversation in a normal tone and not upset or pissy in the slightest! I can see how my negative filter makes it frustrating to argue with me - but my point back to him was that he didn't even need to start shouting or saying my behaviour is disgusting from a conversation!

What I'm concerned about is that he's only saying he will do this after I told him my bottom line isn't being treated like this. He might only be paying lip service and/or only doing it to keep me rather than doing it for himself.