How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like if you don’t leave him, he will leave you. He has threatened it, you seem to irritate him enormously with small matters, he says you are bad for his mental health, blah blah. Get out with your self respect in tact.

Hi @Namechange7625 I think that @I0NA has it nailed the only why to stop irritating him is to think about how you do everything it’s called walking on eggshells. This sounds like the start of controlling behaviour.
Imagine in a few years time when things have moved on and you are back with another query. “How do I stop my DH hitting me? I can’t help it sometimes have my own opinion that is different to his, then he tells me I’ve made him do it. What can I do?”

I'm guessing you're much younger and/or haven't had much relationship history and/or have been in an abusive relation or household before. Possibly all three.

You are vulnerable. If you had healthy boundaries and expectations you wouldn't be in this situation. He's training you to modify and regulate your behaviour and excuse and explain away his behaviour.

You don't know this man properly. 9 months in, you don't. The fact you're married doesn't change that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm guessing you're much younger and/or haven't had much relationship history and/or have been in an abusive relation or household before. Possibly all three.

You are vulnerable. If you had healthy boundaries and expectations you wouldn't be in this situation. He's training you to modify and regulate your behaviour and excuse and explain away his behaviour.

You don't know this man properly. 9 months in, you don't. The fact you're married doesn't change that.

That was meant to say much younger than me - 34.

Ah, so you have to address the things he demands you address, mean while he can behave towards you and speak to you however he likes and you’re not allowed to challenge? Yes OP, that’s a really healthy relationship dynamic.

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health. I genuinely do not do anything on purpose,

Before you know it, his behaviour will become violent and he'll be blaming you for that too. You'll have a split lip and concussion and you'll be on here asking for advice, telling us it was your fault for annoying him but he's so lovely most of the time. Do not have kids with this man! If you don't want to leave him, at least live separately while he gets some proper anger management support. Spend that time apart to get to know each other a bit more, you have really rushed into a marriage before either of you were ready for it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn im only one year younger than you, dh is a couple of years older. I have a professional job, my own place that dh moved into from private renting, he has his own successful business, we have a nice lifestyle.

I have never been in an emotionally healthy relationship before and thought this was. I've done the freedom programme, I've had so much counselling in my life I could be a counsellor, I've been in refuges and am very codependent. I was so happy when I met dh as for the first time in my life I was happy single and in a really good place emotionally. Obviously I wasn't if I could read the signs.

You don't like his behaviour and he doesn't like yours.

He seems to think that the solution for this is for you to change. You seem to think so too.

I wonder if he is posting on any forums asking how he can stop getting irritated with his wife?

Oh, you have a decent job and your own place, that’ll be why he was so keen to marry you then.

Oh god OP, please wise up quick.

I agree with the PP's saying this one isn't a keeper.

Now he's even gaslighting and lying about what happened, which is classic.

What a way to live, always having to try and explain yourself (which is pointless with these types as they don't want to know, they are just trying to control or put you beneath them) or pussyfoot around.

Counselling doesn't tend to help abusive men change their behaviour, as they actually think there's nothing wrong with their behaviour. He would probably be selective in what he told any counsellor, so they felt badly of you and gave him some justifications and explanations in 'reasonable' therapy-speak about how bad and mentally ill you are, which he will pass on to you.

[quote Namechange7625]@youvegottenminuteslynn im only one year younger than you, dh is a couple of years older. I have a professional job, my own place that dh moved into from private renting, he has his own successful business, we have a nice lifestyle.

I have never been in an emotionally healthy relationship before and thought this was. I've done the freedom programme, I've had so much counselling in my life I could be a counsellor, I've been in refuges and am very codependent. I was so happy when I met dh as for the first time in my life I was happy single and in a really good place emotionally. Obviously I wasn't if I could read the signs.[/quote]
I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time of it OP, as I said I suspected you had a history of unhealthy relationships.

I'm assuming you've been with someone physically abusive previously, so the man you are with now doesn't seem 'that' bad.

But your codependency and previous history of abusive means you've missed loads of red flags that are screaming out to other people.

There's no shame in missing them, you are a product of what you've been through. But you do need to take responsibility for addressing the situation and as you've probably been told before, emotional abuse is still abuse.

You know that the answer to being spoken to the way he speaks to you over such minor stuff is to leave, not to modify your own behaviour. But it's scary and sad because you think if you fix that one thing about him he would be perfect.

But it isn't one thing. It's an underlying lack of respect for you, lack of remorse when he upsets you, quick temper he cannot self regulate despite being well aware of it, clear belief that he should get the final say...

All of that adds up to what you're describing as 'one thing'. Can you see that?

The fact you've been with someone who is a 10/10 bastard before doesn't mean you should be with someone who is a 7/10 wanker now.

You need to talk really openly and honestly with your counsellor about this

You've done the freedom programme and yet you thought it was a good idea to marry someone you'd only known six months?

@Namechange7625

I think his reaction is more to do with that I apologised but gave a bit of a cop out explaining that its impulsive for me. He always wants to be right and when he feels he's in the right about something he goes on and on.

Sounds exactly like my abusive ex husband.

The whole push-pull nature of your relationship is unlikely to end anytime soon. It sounds like he needs professional help.
What's his backstory? Previous relationships? Upbringing?

Do you not see what's troubling about the fact you had plans to go travelling etc and gave them up to marry this guy?

It looks like there is a lot of blame going on.

Why can't you just be different from each other, neither of you right or wrong, and be trying to find a way through that would suit you both? A person doesn't have to be wrong to be irritated or irritating.

Blame looks backwards negatively. Taking responsibility looks forwards, positively, and yet the two are often confused/blended.

Think of one person clicking a pen, and the other getting irritated. What use is there in blaming each other or forbidding them to click the pen? It's much more helpful to both understand each other ('I do it without even realising'/'When you do it, I can't focus on anything else but the clicking'), and finding a way through (Sometimes there will be pen clicking, but a gentle reminder/request will be responded to positively, for example)

Ask him if he's interested in finding a way forward without blame. If he says yes, ask him for suggestions.

And you are already talking like an abused wife.

Sorry but from bitter experience myself marrying too soon you in effect married a 'stranger'
My ex also had a temper, alarm bells should have rung when I noticed a punch mark on his fridge door when we first started dating.
I was never on the receiving end of yelling and shouting as you describe, but was always wary of his temper.
It has been a short marriage, you will leave with what you brought in. There is no point in continuing to put up with this.

There are always lots of different types of therapy to try. EMDR is really good. Many women also repeat the FP. They're running all sorts of stuff over Zoom now, which is great.

I was so happy when I met dh as for the first time in my life I was happy single and in a really good place emotionally. Obviously I wasn't if I could read the signs.

You need to have some rules you don't bend in place, like date for at least 18 months before considering moving in with someone (let along marriage.) Probably 2 years actually, as PP's have said.

If you'd dated that long he probably would've shown some of these behaviours in a way you couldn't miss.

It's also all a learning curve and you've learned some new red flags to bear in mind now.

The trick is to be willing to bin them when they show the flags, rather than leet them slide. It can be difficult as being really into someone is like a trance and you have to try and see past the fog to see what they're really like.

@eatsleepread - dv between mum and dad, mum felt like she couldn't discipline because he'd go off with his dad, dad was an alcoholic who spoilt him materially. His mum is absolutely lovely, really kind and warm. He also gets pissy with her for saying the wrong thing.

I feel like I'm making him out to be awful, he is really kind and thoughtful. He nursed his grandad through cancer, he looks after his nan since she's been widowed. He has good friends, a business and I would have said I adored him until these last few rows.

I have to echo everyone else.
This needs to end.
Seek legal advice and tell him to leave.
Please stop letting him treat you like this!
Good luck.

I've done the freedom programme, I've had so much counselling in my life I could be a counsellor, I've been in refuges and am very codependent.

I'm sorry you've experienced domestic abuse in your life but you have a long way to go. You've sleep walked into another abusive relationship and married this one.

Was the call you interrupted a work call?

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Thats another thing - he says I treat him like he's an abuser. Could it be that im making him like this by acting how I would have when in previous abusive relationships?