Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:

ferando81 · 27/03/2021 09:10

Can he control his temper when some 6ft 5in 18 stone man angers him?Of course he can

femfemlicious · 27/03/2021 09:10

Op please i beg you to leave this man. He probably " tried to be better" but he simply cannot because THIS is who he is!. He cannot keep it up!. Can you live with this. Best believe he is only going to get worse the more you accept. SAVE YOURSELF!

Hamhockandmash · 27/03/2021 09:11

I hate it when DH jumps in on my phone calls. Wait till I’m done. However I ignore him, I would never shout at him or speak to him the way your DH has spoken to you. Honestly, I’d get the fuck out now.

HollowTalk · 27/03/2021 09:13

Exactly what @billy1966 said. I'd run a mile.

Original poster

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 09:13

I don't want to leave him, I just want us to be able to communicate better. He honestly is the most loveliest man apart from when he has a point that he needs to be right about and escalates it to an argument as he's irritated with me.

I do appreciate that we got married very quickly. I really want this to work out, he's not a horrible person.

OP posts:

4Mongrels · 27/03/2021 09:16

Reread 10NA’s post.

Has he sought help for his anger or is his way of controlling it expecting those around him to manage their behaviour in order not to set him off? I bet he has done nothing.

Original poster

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 09:20

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health. I genuinely do not do anything on purpose, I get that I can be irritating with interrupting ect or in an argument when he's horrible to me I take issue with him being horrible and we have two different arguments which frustrates him even more. I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect.

OP posts:

Teapotsandtablecloths · 27/03/2021 09:22

@Namechange7625

I do appreciate that we got married very quickly. I really want this to work out, he's not a horrible person.

He isn't the loveliest man if this is how he reacts to you interrupting a phone call. Sure its rude of you to do it, but it doesn't warrant this reaction. Its a minor thing, what's going to happen if you annoy him majorly? Thats what you need to think about.

I wouldn't trust him. This raises so many red flags and I'm worried for you. Abusers behaviour can start "small" and it grows and grows. Please put yourself first. You don't have to put up with this.

DizSquiz · 27/03/2021 09:25

With all due respect eavesdropping and trying to get involved on phone calls is a very irritating thing to do imo...

I'd never react the way your husband has to it though, it's deffo not worth an argument.

Hamhockandmash · 27/03/2021 09:25

OP, you are blaming yourself for his, quite frankly, abusive ways. This is how it starts. If you are determined to stay together, he needs to seek help for his anger management oroblem

thelegohooverer · 27/03/2021 09:26

The answer to your question is covered in your own post. It sounds like your training has begun.

To recap, have you should now have learned

Not to disrespect him
That if he has a different point of view, yours is wrong and you should know better than to express it.
that an apology doesn’t count until you grovel abjectly for an indeterminate length of time
to expect to be punished for triggering his anger

The punishment will probably change as he gets a better sense of what your limits are. So far he’s tried

threatening to leave you
ranting
belittling
name calling
shouting

These have all been sanctioned as acceptable now (you’re still here) and effective because you’re questioning how to change your behaviour.

Maybe that’s as bad as it will get, or maybe he’ll experiment to see if you’ll also put up with being threatened, pushed, smacked, punched, kicked, strangled.

Ime though you’ll probably always irritate him. Even if you divorce him and live far, far away. In fact you may irritate him even more if you’re not available to punish.

You deserve better

Original poster

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 09:27

I think his reaction is more to do with that I apologised but gave a bit of a cop out explaining that its impulsive for me. He always wants to be right and when he feels he's in the right about something he goes on and on.

OP posts:

JackieWeaverFever · 27/03/2021 09:27

@Palavah

The behaviour you describe sounds exhausting and possibly manipulative. You say he's told you he's 'worked hard not to be like that'. What does he actually do about it? Your thread title maybe shouldn't be how do i stop irritating my husband and what do I do about leaving my shouting ranty husband?

This the timeline for you've relationships is crazy short and you met in the middle of a pandemic.

You were trying to be helpful, it's at worst mildly annoying but hardly crime of the century.

It is very difficult to extract yourself from a bad marriage. My sibling was in a similar situation (met and engaged in 5 months then had a £100k+ wedding)
They divorced recently. The marriage lasted 18months but red flags were there very early on.
My sibling was a shell by the end, confidence destroyed and so unhappy. Despite this they were really on the fence about leaving and wanted to make it work.
There are a lot of feelings of shame and embarrassment around it. Also a "could I do more? Am i working hard enough for my marriage?" Ultimately you need to live your life. Other people really don't care if you are divorced or not!
When they finally decided a divorce was best the partner was not happy. Cue more screaming and abuse... we as a family supported them through but the change was almost instant, once the decision was made a load was lifted and they are much happier now.

My husband and I have been together coming up 4 years and it's still all shineshine and roses (bar 1 or 2 slightly tense /fractious moments).This is how it should be.

An annulment is not too difficult (much easier than divorce)
I would be looking at this through the lens of what will my life be in 5 years? And thinking strongly about getting out.

Also if nothing else USE CONTRACEPTION.

HermitsLife · 27/03/2021 09:27

Well if hes such a lovely guy the answer is on page 1;

If you want it to stop then you must aways agree with him and never do anything that has even the slightest possibility of annoying him. So every time you are about to speak or act, you must stop and carefully evaluate it’s potential to upset him.
.....

Every time and everywhere you are you need to always be thinking of him and how he will feel about everything you do, every choice you make.
...

So just live your life very very carefully, make yourself smaller and smaller, have no needs or wants that are not compatible with him. Make sure he’s the focus of your thoughts 24/7. Always put him and his wishes and issues first.

If you can do all this your future will be just as perfect as you want it to be.

Pansypotter123 · 27/03/2021 09:27

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health.

He is responsible for his responses, and you cannot possibly be bad for his mental health.

Ask him - why does he even want to be married to you if you're such a bad influence?

And in what way is everything else so perfect? How can that possibly be the case when you're seemingly walking around on eggshells so as not to aggravate him further.

NSA2103 · 27/03/2021 09:28

Great advice in Iona's and Billy1966's posts.

My ex wife had a filthy temper, far beyond what was fair and reasonable, and a constant desire to control me. I often suggested that she get professional help for anger management, but she refused. She hit the bottle instead.

I dealt with it by distancing myself from her. Eventually we divorced. Looking back, there were early red flags that I missed, or didn't want to address. I regret that.

But I happy without her now, and she'll become someone else's problem.

I worry that our children will inherit her traits.

I wish you well

Clymene · 27/03/2021 09:28

@Namechange7625

How can everything else be perfect when he's telling you you're bad for his mental health when you disagree with him?

Do you mean you live in a nice property and he earns well? Because I'm struggling to see the positives.

litterbird · 27/03/2021 09:28

@Namechange7625

He says YOU are bad for HIS mental health. You married way to quickly to someone you know nothing about. This will definitely not end well. Your relationship is very very far from perfect. Please heed the advise given. He will not change but you will continue to irritate him for ever and the reactions from him will get worse. I would seriously consider getting your ducks in a row and get out whilst you can. You sound very young, how old are you both?

Hamhockandmash · 27/03/2021 09:29

It is also highly concerning that this started when you got married.

JustSleepAlready · 27/03/2021 09:29

If you really want this marriage to work he needs to get help with his anger issues. This is not going to get better. Worse and more severe. If he’s not prepared to get help, then he’s not as committed to this otherwise brilliant relationship. Because it will end up being the ONLY thing in your day to day life soon. I guess you have to ask yourself , if he’s not prepared to get help for a problem he has already acknowledged that he has, are you willing to hang around and live like that?

category12 · 27/03/2021 09:30

You're asking the wrong question really - it's not how do I stop irritating my dh, it's why doesn't dh exercise self restraint and make efforts to change the way he reacts when annoyed?

It's not all on you to learn to avoid annoying him. Sometimes couples get on each other's nerves, it's not OK to behave in the way he does.

Road rage is a red flag. The speed in which your relationship was fast-forwarded can be a red flag. And it concerns me that you are framing it as a problem you have to solve and is your fault, when the health of the relationship should be on both your shoulders. I'd be wary that you're in the beginning of a potentially abusive relationship.

HermitsLife · 27/03/2021 09:30

Although to be honest he sounds like a complete dick to me and life goes quicker than you think.

Don't know if I would be able to waste it on a man like that.

Shallysally · 27/03/2021 09:30

*Namechange7625

So already he is gaslighting you. OP, you are not responsible for his responses, he is. He is an adult, he controls what he thinks and how he reacts. He is projecting his poor behaviour onto you.

Please do not stay in a marriage with this person. Things won’t improve. He is showing you who he is. He is learning from you that your boundaries are low. You need to change that and leave.

Spudlet · 27/03/2021 09:32

Of course he’s ‘lovely’ sometimes. If he wasn’t, you’d leave. He had to be just ‘lovely’ enough to keep you on the hook, so you know that if you’re just a better wife he’ll be ‘lovely’ again - you just have to try harder to make yourself less like yourself and more like whatever he wants on that particular day. He’s training you to make yourself smaller, quieter, less.

Walk away. There’s someone out there who won’t be ‘irritated’ by you and won’t follow you around haranguing you for minor things.

sanfranfibber · 27/03/2021 09:34

The right relationship is never one with any of the following:
'He's great except'
'It would be perfect if only'
'Everything else is good'
'I'd be happy if he'd just'

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15