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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 09:37

Good grief op, read back your own replies because that is not a lovely man. He sounds like a textbook npd case. Always has to be right, cant drop an argument, creates drama out of nothing, conversations go round in circles and wear you down, whirlwind romance and proposal. Run for the fucking hills!

user1493494961 · 27/03/2021 09:37

It doesn't sound perfect, he sounds awful, I think you should leave.

Ohdoleavemealone · 27/03/2021 09:41

OP How did you date him at the height of a pandemic? 9 months ago we were well and truely locked down.
Were you friends before?

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/03/2021 09:42

When you got together was he really lovely. did he bombard you with calls and flowers and gifts and told you how perfect you were for him? was he making plans for your future very early on in the relationship. did he sweep you off your feet with his attention. Almost too possessive but it was flattering to be so wanted?
he's got you know though. got the ring on the finger and now working on the control.
It starts with flashes of temper when you anger him, so you start to look for ways that you wont anger him and walk on eggshells around him, your thoughts become all about him so much so that you stop noticing what you need.
Then he starts expressing displeasure when you meet family or friends. Just little stuff at first. says he doesnt like them, starts an argument if you are going to meet them or after you come back, in the end its just less hassle to avoid meeting them anymore isnt it.
How about clothes, has he started criticising what you wear or your make up yet? Or maybe he just constantly tells you how much better you look with no make up and boring clothes. Whatever you do dont look attractive, make yourself small. remember its all about him and his feelings, yours dont count.

recognise any of this?

CheshireCats · 27/03/2021 09:42

This is chilling to read. Op, you are deluded- it's scary. Re read the thread imagining the poster was your best friend. What would you say to her?
This will not get better, it will get much worse. You need to leave now, not keep repeating he is a good man - he is not. Do not get pregnant by him.
Your continued defending of him in the light of your posts about how he is already controlling you is very alarming. Please leave.

giao · 27/03/2021 09:44

Your place is firmly in the wrong OP. If you acknowledge this at all times, I'm sure it'll be ok.

Good luck.

ErrolTheDragon · 27/03/2021 09:47

Do you like walking on eggshells, OP? Enough to do it for the rest of your life?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 27/03/2021 09:47

@Namechange7625

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health. I genuinely do not do anything on purpose, I get that I can be irritating with interrupting ect or in an argument when he's horrible to me I take issue with him being horrible and we have two different arguments which frustrates him even more. I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect.
Yeah.

He sounds just like my ex.

He strangled me.

Starlia · 27/03/2021 09:48

OP I guarantee you he isn't on a forum asking for advice about how to control his temper. Or how to not be irritated by his wife.
I really feel for you - it's likely to get worse.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2021 09:49

@Namechange7625

I think his reaction is more to do with that I apologised but gave a bit of a cop out explaining that its impulsive for me. He always wants to be right and when he feels he's in the right about something he goes on and on.
And what makes you think he's going to change?
Original poster
Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 09:50

No I don't feel like I was love bombed, we took things really slow (ironic considering the quick marriage) until I said I didnt want to get married and wanted to go travelling ect, he also said he didn't want to get married and then said if there was anyone I would marry it would be you. We were going to go to Gretna Green but found out they don't do quick marriages anymore so gave our notices and did it in secret at the registrars office.

We were really compatible, I felt that our values and morals matched, we had loads of fun together and he adored me (and my annoying interrupting habits). Now I just irritate him. He's just asked me if I want to go look at something he's buying this morning, I've said no and I still feel hurt by yesterday - he's turned it round on me again and said that I was the one who threatened to leave and he only said it after I said it. I know I didnt say it!

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 09:50

You're already moving into 'how can I change me to pacify them' stage. It's very worrying.

For future reference (because it's coming up if you stay) you should never have to explain to someone that their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful.

Also be prepared to find yourself on a merry go round of trying to prove one of the following: your sanity, goodness, loyalty, integrity or right to feel a certain way (often about something they have said or done).

Be prepared for any issue you bring up hoping to resolve to be turned on you as if you are nagging them or you arethe one in the wrong. Or for them to look at you as if they just don't understand.

Be prepared for then to take the opposite view to you on things just so they can argue. Or take the side of anyone but you if you are in any kind of conflict with anyone else (eg: workplace bully, friend that's being shit ect).

Be prepared to think you are having a lovely day together only for them to suddenly do something to spoil it. And for holidays and special occasions to end in arguments or drama.

All this shit may be coming. Some of it definately is. The indicators are their already.

Many abused woman thinks they can 'work on things', they dont want to give up the dream if what could have been. So they waste their lives chasing something that, i'm sorry, was never real to begin with.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/03/2021 09:51

Are you planning to bring a child into this incredibly unhealthy environment?

LunaNorth · 27/03/2021 09:51

What’s ‘lovely’ about him?

Because unless he can shit tenners and cure lepers with a touch, he sounds like a massive nasty bellend to me.

Original poster
Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 09:51

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 27/03/2021 09:52

Stop making excuses for him really just stop. he only went on and on at you because you didnt immediately apologise and grovel, He's training you not to answer back in future and it looks like its working.

I bet next time you have a row you wont answer back because its just less hassle and so the training continues.
You will never please him, even if you get all your training right he will move the golaposts. You have an opportunity to call a day on this before you get so swallowed up by this man that you cant think straight and cant leave because you wont know how to think without him telling you how.
Theres no shame in walking away so soon. And for gods sake dont get pregnant, because if he is an abuser it will ramp up 10 fold once you bring kids into the mix

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2021 09:52

If you don't LTB you've got a lifetime of this ahead of you. I'd finish it now, before you have dc, when it becomes much more difficult.

Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 09:52

*are there already.

Thatnameistaken · 27/03/2021 09:53

He's gaslighting you now, if you stay within a very short time you won't know which way's up. Honestly get out now, before he does a real number on you.

Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 09:54

@Namechange7625

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.
Good god don't do that.

He isnt angry he is abusive. Its not the same thing.

He repeatedly came back to berate you.

category12 · 27/03/2021 09:55

Chances are, if you show him this thread he'll poo-poo it and tell you we're a nest of man hating vipers, and that all marriages are like this and we're idealistic.

He should just listen to you when you say it's not OK to behave this way - he's supposed to love and respect you, isn't he?

giao · 27/03/2021 09:55

Why on earth would you show him this thread? Why do you need back up?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2021 09:57

@Namechange7625

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.
Jesus don't do that.

He's so perfect except he gets really angry, threatens to leave me lots which is emotionally abusive, gaslights me and can't accept not always being right

But he's so perfect.

Are you planning on having kids together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 09:57

"He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health. I genuinely do not do anything on purpose, I get that I can be irritating with interrupting ect or in an argument when he's horrible to me I take issue with him being horrible and we have two different arguments which frustrates him even more. I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect"

Its always someone else's fault isn't it; never their own. This is precisely what abusive people say to their non abusive spouse. You've been likely swept along by him and now the reality of what he is like and has shown you is beginning to sink in albeit slowly. In the meantime you're stuck on the sunken costs fallacy which is also causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

He sounds like the "Loser" that Dr Joe Carver writes about right down to his road rage and the quick levels of attachment. Such men are abusive in nature.

What are his parents like, what is his own relationship history to date?.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. This is not going to be ever solved by he going on some anger management course. He thinks he is right all the time, you will never have an equal say in this relationship because he does not regard you as an equal. Such men too hate women, all of them.

You have a choice re him, never forget that. Double up on your contraception and do not bring a child into this.

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/03/2021 09:57

So hes gaslighting already then saying you said stuff you know you didnt say to make you doubt yourself.