How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

@gutful

You got married too quickly it sounds like.

A separation might be good - he sounds like he needs to be medicated. I got terrible road rage before I was put on venlafaxine & seroquel (bipolar & manic episodes can include flashes of anger!)

Not saying he has a mental disorder but that his road rages are not a sign of a well/stable mindset.

What do you want Op ?

She got married to an abuser

That’s her issue

@Namechange7625 love, this is only going to get worse.
Cut your losses now, leave him and I promise you you’ll feel better

This is no way to live

The red flags were there from the very beginning but you didn’t know what you were looking at.

Please leave?

Do not show him this thread, you need a safe outlet and if you did show him this thread he will cut you off from a much needed level of support from people who do not know you and are therefore not over invested.

These men are literally all the same with a very small variance

I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect

It won’t stay like this - the perfect is him pretending to be perfect to get you on the hook, now you’re married he’s showing you who he is.

Mask is slipping. He will never, ever, EVER be any nicer, only worse.

I know this from personal experience, extensive work with victims of domestic abuse, counselling and therapy and reading all the books.

Do yourself the biggest favour ever and get out now.

I mean really op it would be like telling a lion that other people think he should stop chewing on your leg too... pointless. And as pp said, would mean youd lose this as a safe space.

He's lovely when he isn't abusing you sums up your marriage.

Whatbdo you mean he didn't love bomb you and your values aligned.

OP, please get a grip.

You didn't know him from adam.

You hadn't a clue who you were marrying.

Hence you are surprised now that he has turned into an angry, abusive, belittling prick.

You didn't know him.
Now you are getting a look at the real him and want him to go back to a person he never was.

This will only get worse and worse.

Wake up and realise that you have only one life and that just because you have made a really stupid mistake, it doesn't mean that your life has to be defined by it.

Make this a silly mistake that you made while young, saw it for what it was, and got the hell out.

@Namechange7625

I might show him this thread and explain that he really does need to get some counselling/anger management or it just won't work.

Please do. I'm interested to know whether he is like "babe i cant believe i upset you so much you felt you needed to post on the internet. This is a wake up for me" and he gets help ORRRRR

He wants to pick another fight because you posted about him on the internet betrayed his trust and then wants to nitpick about how you recall things?

Yeah exactly.
Now go back and reread I0na's post and remember you need to jump through hoops and double think yourself to keep him happy and showing him this would cause him to kick off.

Also... USE CONTRACEPTION

I don't think the question 'how can I stop irritating my DH?' is appropriate here. He's the one with the anger/intolerance problem. Is he posting on the internet about how he can stop his behaviour?

What you are describing is not something that you can control - his reactions are disproportionate and are his reactions.

It's also worrying that as soon as you expressed interest in doing something like travelling he was suddenly interested in marriage. Now you are emotionally and financially tied to him, and describing manipulative/controlling behaviour and questioning what you have done wrong.

My first ever LTB, before it escalates.

OP have you spoken to anyone in RL about this?
You mention your friends, if this were one of them, what would you be advising?

@Namechange7625

No I don't feel like I was love bombed, we took things really slow (ironic considering the quick marriage) until I said I didnt want to get married and wanted to go travelling ect, he also said he didn't want to get married and then said if there was anyone I would marry it would be you. We were going to go to Gretna Green but found out they don't do quick marriages anymore so gave our notices and did it in secret at the registrars office.

We were really compatible, I felt that our values and morals matched, we had loads of fun together and he adored me (and my annoying interrupting habits). Now I just irritate him. He's just asked me if I want to go look at something he's buying this morning, I've said no and I still feel hurt by yesterday - he's turned it round on me again and said that I was the one who threatened to leave and he only said it after I said it. I know I didnt say it!

I’m really sorry lovely, but you are being love bombed. This is an absolutely classic case. It usually takes 18 months to 2 years for an abuser to show their true colours. My SIL went through the exact same thing and pretty much 18 months after the love bombing started it ended with him knocking her out (literally) in a public place. That’s how serious getting involved with people like this is. Please don’t wait until it gets to that point.

For comparison, DH interrupted me on a phone call the other day so I couldn’t hear the other person. I wafted him away and gave him a hard stare and that was the end of it. I wouldn’t have dreamed of shouting and screaming and threatening to leave all day!

Please read IONA's post carefully OP, it describes life with this kind of man too well. And it leaves you a shadow of your former self because you forget who you are.

I suspect he told you about his "temper" early on to gauge your boundaries.

"No I don't feel like I was love bombed, we took things really slow (ironic considering the quick marriage) until I said I didnt want to get married and wanted to go travelling ect, he also said he didn't want to get married and then said if there was anyone I would marry it would be you. We were going to go to Gretna Green but found out they don't do quick marriages anymore so gave our notices and did it in secret at the registrars office".

So he ignored your boundaries and you in turn went along with (I presume his desire in the main) the plan to marry after a mere six months. What did your parents say when you presumably told them you were now married?.

"We were really compatible, I felt that our values and morals matched, we had loads of fun together and he adored me (and my annoying interrupting habits). Now I just irritate him. He's just asked me if I want to go look at something he's buying this morning, I've said no and I still feel hurt by yesterday - he's turned it round on me again and said that I was the one who threatened to leave and he only said it after I said it. I know I didnt say it!"

More red flags re him above (quick attachment) and now he is gaslighting you to boot. Gaslighting is really an insidious form of pyschological abuse designed to break people like you. You need to get away from him, if you stay he will further break you down till you no longer recognise your own self in the mirror.

Don't show him the thread. He'll use it against you. He'll be angry and accuse you of invading his privacy. He'll say all the women on mumsnet are bitter old harpies anyway. Or he'll look contrite and agree with what you say but store it up to be used against you in future.
He'll know you post here and either make such a big deal of it that you won't feel like you can again or he'll stalk the boards for potential posts by you so that a source of support you might need later is cut off.

How is he lovely? What's perfect about a man who would tell you that you irritate him, you're bad for his mental health, threaten to leave you, gaslight you into thinking you said things you know you didn't say, can't agree to disagree, can't accept an apology, calls you names, belittles you.

Dear God, do NOT show him this thread! You're not taking in what is being said, how on earth do you think he will?

No one has suggested that this is fixable if he just got anger management. You're clutching at straws becomes you don't want to accept this relationship is fucked! He's hasn't got a problem with anger, he has a problem with you not being controlled. And to be honest, it's not even you personally - it's any partner he has.

He'll turn this round on you: you've betrayed me by talking about it; mumsnet is full of men haters; you've lied; etc etc etc. You will end up apologising, promising never to go on here again. Taking your punishment like a good trained girl. All you will do is cut yourself off from the support here that you are going to desperately need if you stay in this relationship.

I'd suggest you do the freedom programme to realise just where this relationship is heading. You're so desperate for this to work that you're sticking you head in the sand as he waves red flags at you. Perhaps professionals tell you what has been said here will open your eyes.

Thing is, you don't actually love him.
You've said loads of times, we are compatible, we have the same morals, we get on well.
That is friendship, not partnership.
If you love someone, you say things like "I love being with them, I can't wait to see them again, I'd do anything to help them".
But you've said none of that.
You've looked for someone who accepted you (or seemed to), not for someone who you feel good with.
Apart from him behaving like poo in disagreements, tbh maybe you need to work on yourself. Outside of this marriage.
You don't seem to value what you personally enjoy, as if that is secondary to finding someone who you rub along with just fine.
I reckon if you'd never married him, you'd be very good mates.
Who go home to do their disagreements separately with other people.

Really only you know what to do. But I can see you lack the ability to say "I don't like this, I'm out", which may be helpful right now.
You need to learn to act on what is good for you.

I had someone who used to talk to me while on the phone. I would be concentrating listening to the other person and he would start talking at me, telling me questions to ask etc. I got annoyed as I just couldn't listen to both. Even more annoying that he would get me to make the call cos he didn't want to in the first place. Told him I couldn't listen to both but he would carry on so I just refused to make the calls or would say give me all the info beforehand. That said his reaction has been totally overboard

You will never, ever do enough to please this guy - there will always be something you do/don’t do that irritates him, however hard you try, whatever concessions you make. You will be on here time after time asking what you can do to placate him this time, or maybe in the weight loss or beauty section asking how you can change yourself physically to please him. It’s insidious and creeping - one day you might wonder why you don’t watch TV, read any more, always feed the kids out of his sight as they’re messy, live mainly out of his way until he wants sex, hide the fact there’s a 64 year old married guy works where you do, barely sleep planning how to make his day run smoothly - yeah, it sounds mad, but that’s where I woke up one day - it obviously didn’t start like that but took less than 3 years to get to it.
I get you don’t believe it, you’re in it and love him and god it’s never going to be like that, he’s lovely - especially whilst he’s getting his own way. Isn’t walking on eggshells enough? It’s draining already - we all know that person at work, or in our social group that has to be treated with kid gloves, and we try hard to avoid them - do you want to live like that?
You’ll never succeed OP in making him happy, that’s the saddest thing. Please take on board all the experience on here - I know MN can be harsh or quick to say LTB but this time all I see is great advice and forewarning of your future.

OP the words you use to you talk about someone you've essentially had a whirlwind romance with, and should now be in the honeymoon period with, I find a little odd. You describe you both as "compatible" several times, you say "our values and morals matched". You both agreed you didn't ever want to get married. But then he said he'd marry you, and you ran off for a secret quickie wedding after 6 months of dating.

Not once in any of your posts have you said you love him.

Can I ask, how old you are and did you have many relationships before your husband?

Use contraception - hide it somewhere he can't tamper with it. And yes, it is that bad I relationship that I would have to advise that!

Crikey. This was me 15 yrs ago.
@I0NA puts it perfectly. Also take note of @AttilaTheMeerkat posts.

I don't think it will properly get better ever.
You will have days where he is 'nice' and you will feel floods of relief. Then it starts again....

He felt compatible and like his morals etc matched yours because he made that happen to mirror you.

My exH showed me his colours very quickly. I chose to ignore it due to my insecurities. He told me he was a cheater but it was his ex gf fault. He and I had an awful row whilst on our first holiday and he was horrific to me in the middle of nowhere. I stayed. We married but I knew.

2 children later and a world of pain and mental health issues for me off the back of the walking on eggshells etc I left a few years ago and now am divorced from him.

Look, I know you’re trying to be forgiving and kind OP, but this is classic textbook stuff. As countless others have said, this is the beginning of it... Be one of the lucky ones and get out ASAP. His behaviour is not normal, not typical, not to be expected, not excusable by all the other happy times.....LTB. Period.

Or you can decide that you don’t want to live like this for the next 50 years and leave

This is it. Already you are thinking of ways you can change when he is the unreasonable one. This is a massively slippery slope and how many women end up a shell of their former selves.

It starts like this. “He’s perfect, but...”, “” If I just do x, y or z...”

It’s not too late to get away. Accept you made a mistake, swallow your pride and do yourself a massive favour. While you come around to that realisation (it sounds like you are not there yet, but you will), double up on the contraception. Men like this thrive on trapping women with pregnancy.

It won’t get better, please think about your own future. You deserve to feel happy & respected in your relationship.

If he genuinely is upset both by his anger (and behaviours) and cared that it upset you too he would get help for it. He initially said oh I have a problem with anger and now he's acting like you're the problem.

It sounds like he doesn't want to change for the benefit of you both, he just wants you to change. Whatever you do or don't do will never be enough. The goalposts will always change. He'll take ever opportunity to stamp on you because it's the only way he can feel better about himself.

We are definitely NOT having DC, neither of us wants them.

He's now saying its not the interrupting him that frustrated him, it was me telling him he was wrong for thinking it's not rude too. Apparently I always jump on the negatives and tell him what he does wrong. I really don't think I do. Yesterdat I said sorry and I would try not to do that to him again but its an impulsive habit of mine that isn't helped by the fact my friends and family do it too. Apparently that's making out I think he's wrong.

I've told him my bottom line is not to be spoken to the way he speaks to me and I'm not responsible for his responses. He says I push and push and he gave me plenty of warning (he didn't, we were rowing, why can he say things to me but I cant say things back).

I am reading the comments and I am thinking about whether he is abusing me or not. Im currently having counselling so will speak to my counsellor about it too. If he is being emotionally abusive and controlling and will not take steps to rectify it I will not be staying married to him.

Hi OP, I agree, please don't show him this thread. You can see everyone here is very concerned. My suggestion would be you (just you at this stage) seek counselling from a relationship counsellor or potentially a specialist service. I'm not suggesting that because the problem is yours - it's not and I agree with all the others who have said about the title of your thread. I'm suggesting it so that you have space with a professional to look at what's going on here and how to safely consider your options. I'm sorry, but being "compatible" for less than a year does not mean it will always be the case - this (should be) still honeymoon phase. Please take time to carefully read through these responses and look at support options available to you