How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

Dh now feels like he's not marriage material

He's right.

OP I'm sorry you ended up with another abuser. It's not through anything you have done or not done. You sound lovely. You are self aware, self motivated and independent. You have everything in your favour to find a really happy future.

The reason you are with him is because he pushed the boundaries and where most women would have stopped it straight away, you have tried to change yourself to please him. This shows him that he can push them further and that's how you got to the physical assault - yes flicking you in anger is physical assault.

You have good instincts. You should let them be your guide. You know this is not right. You didn't really need to ask. You should trust yourself as you are good at making decisions.

Forget about what he wants. You have to focus on what's best for you. If you had a trial separation, he could work on his issues and you could have some space to think. It doesn't have to be forever, you clearly do need some time to take in everything that's happening here.

Why does he need 2 weeks to start counselling? You're already giving him 13 more days that he needs to organise something. If it was important to him he would do it today.

Trust yourself. Make plans to separate.

Everything MzHz said at 10.53.

I was in foster care. We all want to be wanted and to have our own fairy story.
I recognise what you say about what your inner voice is telling you.
I recognise what MzHZ says about the hole.

It’s still not your fault.
You can have the life you want, you can have a successful relationship. It takes fuck loads of work in every arena of your life.
This man is not your successful relationship xxxx

OP stop blaming yourself

All this talk of how it must be something you do that makes your partners behave this way towards you - IT'S NOT

Ok, maybe they have been able to spot vulnerabilities and have acted on that. But remember what they all have in common - they are abusers.

Not all men are like this!

There is nothing you can do to change your DHs behaviour. It is who he is.

He hasn't accepted any blame has he. Sarcastically referring to himself as a monster.

What kind of life would you have? Walking on eggshells, waiting for the next thing you do to annoy him. Buying the wrong coffee? Spending too long on the phone to a friend? It will be something and nothing. But you know it will happen.

You are a strong professional home-owning woman. Get him gone.

God, don’t ya just wish you could gather up so many on here and give them all a bloody good hug!

(((((((Huge hug)))))))

Excellent post from Dery at 10.36

@Namechange7625, was absolutely NOT suggesting you aren't genuine. Just that what you're saying has been said by so many other people in similar situations, therefore it's an abuser's script.....

I can see he feels guilty and bad about his behaviour.

You don't know that (especially as you haven't known him long.) Mine used to even cry (all fake.)

I agree but I know he's insecure in some ways rather then cruel

I don't see any signs that he's insecure, but plenty that he's cruel. Also, those aren't an either/or. Someone can be both.

if I'm a person who always ends up making men so angry at me then there has to be something I'm doing wrong

It's really sad to hear that you feel that. It's not you, it's them. Abusers can sense when someone's vulnerable and they get involved with them. Nothing you say or do would turn a decent person into an abuser.

That is like one little cartoon they maybe show at the end of the FP. What you say makes sense, that now you know it's possible to be single and happy it'd be of more benefit to you.

But wanting to be loved is ok as long as you don't put up with whatever they throw at you. Abuse is not love after all, so you can be someone who wants to be loved and also be someone that doesn't tolerate any bollox.

Why do you think abusers abuse? BECAUSE they're insecure, angry and can't totally control their tempers!

Stop making excuses for him.

This will not improve this is who he is

Certainly as he is now he's NOT marriage material he shouldn't be in a relationship at all

I’m pretty sure that the script comment wasn’t suggesting you’re a troll, more pointing out that this is 100% like the account of an abusive relationship

Absolutely

I didn't find the freedom programme helpful at all that suggests you perhaps didn't fully engage with it and accept what it was teaching you

At the time when I did the programme all I desperately wanted was to be loved so it didn't really resonate with me.

Yep sounds like you were very resistant

Desperation is the WORST state to be in when considering going into a relationship.

You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself and your own company long term.

Being in a relationship is not a necessity

I got to the point of being happy single it sounds more like you tolerated single but were ready to grab onto the first person who took even the vaguest interest, and then you got married very very quickly. Those are not the actions of someone happily single

All my relationships follow this script and I leave because of DV. I must do something that frustrates men

No! but you do seem to repeatedly attract (and there's a lot of research backs up that abusers are excellent profilers - I'm a survivor of csa and I was shocked to learn during my own therapy that this made me more vulnerable than others to harassment and assault etc, apparently there are certain facial expressions and body language cues that abusers consciously or subconsciously notice) abusers

You also enter relationships with abusers, there must be something about them that makes you ignore the red flags.

That's something you need to do a lot of work on with an expert in such matters - not just any old quack counsellor. Identify what it is you're seeking that is leading you to identify and be drawn to them.

It'll be subconscious but you need to figure it out long before you enter another relationship.

It's not your fault, we are the sum of our experiences, and we don't always use them positively

yes. abusers will try it on with a whole number of women, but only women with that 'hole' that missing part that comes from something missing in childhood, will take the bait.
There is something in the abuser that is attracting you too - not that you are to blame, but there is something that is making you subconciously think that he is the person that can fill the missing piece - quite often it is something they do that repeats a pattern from very early in your life and, again without seeing or realising it, you are hoping to play the story and have a different, happy ending. But it cannot happen, because you choose and are targetted by someone who is going to treat you exactly the same way that the others you have played out this scene did. Maybe in a different way, maybe using different tactics. Its because of the missing hole, and until you can see what the hole is, why its missing, fix the hole and move on, you cannot have a healthy relationship.

Its why you see so many women here with men who follow the script, and you scratch below the surface and discover a series of actors in the past, all following it to a greater or lesser degree. Then they see it as abuse and cannot unsee it.

And then, sure as eggs are eggs, you find that there is something missing from the past, from the childhood. Parents who wont allow any autonomy. Voices not heard. Abuse, neglect and abandonment. Resulting in a child who's self esteem is on the floor, or has been trained to always blame themselves or put others before their own needs - thats if they even recognise that they have needs.

Please stop blaming yourself. I think in the future given your background you need to look at why you’re picking the men that you are. Personally I would ask him to leave, get some space away from him and then see if he attends counselling. He sounds thoroughly manipulative.

OP, I wanted to respond to what you said about 'it must be me'. People who have experienced trauma 'live' in their threat system and struggle to relax or self soothe. They ARE often triggered more easily and you know fight and flight? Well often when we are threatened we can be a bit aggressive (fight), irritable, picky or fall to pieces. This is not your fault, it's a cycle arising from previous abuse (but of course you should take responsibility for your responses in relationships). But NONE of that makes his treatment of you reasonable. When you are in a safe environment on your own or with someone who is safe for long enough your system will settle and you can escape the trauma reactiveness.