I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

You couldn't OP, you just couldn't see it coming. Whenever I see posts like those I just think 'well, I hope you're not going to be disillusioned, but there's a strong chance you will be'. In the end, the only person you can know and fully trust to be kind and respectful to you is...you.

That said, when I do encounter strong respectful marriages that have stood the test of time, I am blown away with delight. I'm not seeing that many, but they do exist!

I too was convinced it could never happen. He had my total blind trust and used to to his advantage. I never suspected a thing. No blind eye, nothing of the sort. I’m sorry OP, but I think nobody’s relationship is totally invulnerable to an affair. Nothing in life is 100% certain except death. If you didn’t see it coming it’s no reflection on you. He had no respect for you during his affair. Over the vast majority of your 20 year old relationship he probably did have respect for you. Not trying to play betrayal top trumps, but my marriage was nearly 30 years old when I found out. Again, from a position of what I thought was 35 years in total of mutual total trust and respect. If my husband could do it, anyone can. It was so unlike him it was as if he’d turned into an alien.
Sometimes you can’t see things coming, OP. You just can’t. They had the upper hand. Full knowledge of you and your trust, your whereabouts etc. And knew exactly what to say and how to cover their tracks. My husband disappeared down the rabbit hole of a long commute every day. It all happened in working hours or just after work ‘beers for an hour’ etc. All totally plausible. I couldn’t possibly know if I wasn’t even in the same town. He came home and was husband and dad. It wasn’t until he got reckless and went off piste and did something stupid that I even suspected. He got cocky about how much he’d got away with and went a step too far for plausibility. 🙄

If you had asked me a year ago would my W ever cheat on me and treat me the way she is treating me now I would have 100% said no, in-fact I would have defended her honour over it.

Now.... I never saw it coming, it never entered my mind at all I trusted her completely. As @ThisTooShallBeFantastic has said the only person you can know fand fully trust to be kind and respectful to you is...you. I don't know about you but these situations shatter your ability to trust all round which does make me sad.

@Thewookiemustgo Did your marriage survive that?

I think people who say they trust their DH/Dw to not cheat are a little foolish tbh. I don't mean to sound horrible or nasty but how can you know anything for certain!

I trust my DP as far as trust goes. He has never done or said anything to make me doubt him. He is the most loyal and respectful man I know. But can I say I trust 100% that he'd never cheat? Absolutely not.

Yep. Can't possibly know. You really can't. Human beings have free will. They can find time and reasons to cheat.

Social media, messaging etc all make it easier.

I think it's fair to say it's always happened too. Thinking of women becoming pregnant whilst husbands away at war... that sort of thing. Even with massive social and moral issues it went on. Also in some cultures you could face the death penalty. Still happens.

@Notquitesureaboutthis I guess it all comes down to life experience. My wife and I had been together since I was 16 and she was and is the only woman I have ever been with. I bought into the idea of childhood sweethearts and soulmates and it never crossed my mind this would happen. We'd have discussions about people that had affairs and we where on the same page that we'd never do that to each other etc so yes I offered blind trust. It bloody hurts and only those that have been through it understand it but it also teaches you that it can and does happen and no one in invulnerable.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for sharing , yes my story is very similar. I would also like to know if your relationship survived?
Mine did - we separated for a few months but we are now a year on. And I do trust him again , as in there would be no point in carrying on with our marriage otherwise, he made a big mistake and I believe that he’s extremely sorry. I suppose I don’t hold him in as high regard as I once did!

It’s impossible to know something 100% . Among my friends, there have been 3 couples that I would have said were completely bonded who split up and loads more that would admit themselves were far from soulmates who are still together.
I realise more and more that my ex was not who I thought he was.
I don’t trust anyone other than my dc these days.

Selfpreservation. If we all walked around expecting our loved ones to hurt us, for us to be the ones to get the devastating diagnosis or be the one assaulted in the street or to have a terrible accident or lose our jobs... We would all be miserable and never want to go anywhere or talk to anyone or take the risks that being good things into our lives.

"It will never happen to me" is a comforting lie that enables us to feel safe enough to live.

I think you can never be sure. There are people who will be more likely to than others but I think sometimes the opportunity comes along and it happens. People often go into affairs in a state of denial. It's not that they don't worry about the consequences. They just miscalculate the impact and the risk.

Not to be rude but quite frankly they are delusional. I feel I can say that because used to be one of those delusional people who believed I had found my soul mate who would never cheat. Until he did.
But as PP said, you learn something important about love and about yourself and you grow from it.
So I actually feel a bit sorry for my previous naive self. Not in a harsh way, just in a kind of "you have a lot to learn" way.

I commented on that thread & said I trust my DH. That's very different to asserting he'd never cheat ever, who knows what can happen....

Never thought in a million years my ex wife would cheat on me, yet she did. With our youngest child's teacher. We had been together since we were teenagers, had three kids, idyllic middle class life.

Didn't even cross my mind for a split second to stay married to her, because I would never be able to trust her again in the way a married couple should be able to trust their spouses, and frankly she wasn't worth my time or effort to try and make it work through the pain and anguish.

Most times you can’t see it coming. I would wager most of our friends would rank my husband very near the bottom of a ‘most likely to cheat’ list and would be flabbergasted if they knew what happened. As someone said above, people say they know their husband never would for sub conscious self preservation.

After 2.5 years of marriage counselling following the discovery of my husband’s affair (married 8 yrs when I found out but together about 15) I feel I am somewhat qualified to comment on this - anyone is capable of it in the right (or wrong is probably better way of putting it) circumstances and it is foolish to think someone entirely incapable of it.

Honestly I would have said that four years ago. Now I know different. No one could believe what he did - his family, friends all said they thought he would be the last person to cheat. But he did - after 20 years. No one can ever trust their partner 100 percent. I think men are different to us and because we would never do it we put those same morals on them. But the minute they think they are in there ....

Infidelity happens all. the. time.

From what I've seen and experienced personally, I'd divide "cheaters" into 4 main groups.

1. Opportunistic one-offs. This includes people who, for example, get drunk at the office Xmas party and end up banging a colleague. They rarely repeat and generally feel very guilty. This is the kind of cheater who will set off their partner's gut feeling by unexpectedly buying flowers or gifts.

1. Unemotional planned cheaters. They are not getting enough/any/the right kind of sex in their marriage, but they love their partner and don't want to leave. So they seek either a fuck buddy arrangement or serial hookups. They are very practiced, have a good cover story and rarely get caught. The men in this category will often see sex workers.

1. Jack the Lad/Lass types. They are very open and make little effort to cover their tracks, relying on their partner to forgive and forget if they get caught out. This type, to my mind, have no respect and little love for their partner; the only reason they don't want to get caught is because it'll be a load of earache and they might lose their cushy relationship, which brings more benefits to them than being single.

1. Emotionally incontinent drama llama betrayers. It's been my personal observation that more women fall into this category than men. (I don't, BTW!) They are more hung up on the emotional high than on the actual sex. The sneaking around and risk taking provides an extra thrill just to keep it all sufficiently dramatic. This type may spend hours discussing it with their (extremely fed up) friends - if only we could be together, I know he/she is THE ONE, but how can I betray my partner and tear my children's lives apart, but it's MEANT TO BE, blah blah blah. Often trot out the phrase "The heart wants what it wants", which we should all remember was coined by a middle aged man to justify him starting a relationship with his barely-adult step-daughter 🤮

It's entirely possible that your husband loves you deeply and has the greatest respect for you. It's just that his idea of how you treat people you respect doesn't match up with yours. It's also possible he's a serial cheater and you've only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.

It's a horrible situation to suddenly find out that what you thought was a rock-solid partnership actually is pretty wobbly in a fundamental way. Don't rush yourself to make choices right now - you are accountable only to your self. Also, if you decide to work on the marriage, but further down the line you find you can't put it behind you - that's okay. It's okay to say "I thought I could do this, but I realize now I can't, it's destroying my mental health." You do not "owe" him a second chance. It's always okay to change your mind.

Sorry OP I hadn't seen your update that it's a year on. If you're happy now then that's all that matters. I suspect you won't 100% trust him ever again but I personally feel that no human being can be 100% trusted anyway.

Monogamy is relatively recent human social and cultural construct, and marriage was originally conceptualised as primarily a business arrangement. To adhere to and enter into these agreements for life is at odds with many of our basic instincts and biological mechanisms. Particularly in current contexts where we live longer, children are not likely to be killed by rival males, and we meet with, communicate and travel with many different people on a global scale.

That's not to say people can't, shouldn't or that it is wrong to do so...but challenges our innate humanity? Perhaps

Many years ago I was in a happy marriage I can actually recall a moment one day when I was reflecting on how I had everything, good partner, great job, lovely home and how happy I was.

Approximately 2 months later someone came into my life and I had a totally unexpected affair, left my perfect life behind. It is the only affair I have had. Anyone can cheat, the person who has the affair is at fault.

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman and @HollowTalk yes, it has. It’s a work in progress but definitely a lot better.
I’ll never trust him again like I did though. I’ll never trust anyone again like that outside of my family. It’s changed me in that respect.
I’m glad you’ve found trust, OP. That’s the part I find the hardest. He’s been amazing since discovery and was remorseful to the point of feeling suicidal. He’s totally transparent with everything. I have all his passwords etc and he has mine. We don’t snoop on each other but could look any time we wanted. He’s totally open with me and moved his job to prove how invested in us and committed he is. He was a twat but knows it and blames nobody but himself. He knows he has one chance only at this.

Four years into my first marriage I discovered DH had been having an affair for the last five years. Complete surprise.

I didn't see it coming that's for sure.

BUT when I did begin to suspect something wasn't right I did do the classic burying my head in the sand.

It's so unlike me, I can be quite a confrontational person and would rather talk something out than let it stew and fester so in hindsight I quite surprised myself there too.
Looking back I know I hid from it because I didn't want to be right in my suspicions.

When he became too careless and finding something was unavoidable it still took me by surprise! I think I'd swtiched off my mind to it and was ultimately forced to face the facts.

We stayed together. It has taken years to build back a stronger marriage and I wondered what this lockdown year would do to us. If anything it has proven that we did the right thing in saving the marriage and I can say confidently that I love him more than ever now.
But I'll never be able to trust him completely again I don't think.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Infidelity happens all. the. time.

From what I've seen and experienced personally, I'd divide "cheaters" into 4 main groups.

1. Opportunistic one-offs. This includes people who, for example, get drunk at the office Xmas party and end up banging a colleague. They rarely repeat and generally feel very guilty. This is the kind of cheater who will set off their partner's gut feeling by unexpectedly buying flowers or gifts.

1. Unemotional planned cheaters. They are not getting enough/any/the right kind of sex in their marriage, but they love their partner and don't want to leave. So they seek either a fuck buddy arrangement or serial hookups. They are very practiced, have a good cover story and rarely get caught. The men in this category will often see sex workers.

1. Jack the Lad/Lass types. They are very open and make little effort to cover their tracks, relying on their partner to forgive and forget if they get caught out. This type, to my mind, have no respect and little love for their partner; the only reason they don't want to get caught is because it'll be a load of earache and they might lose their cushy relationship, which brings more benefits to them than being single.

1. Emotionally incontinent drama llama betrayers. It's been my personal observation that more women fall into this category than men. (I don't, BTW!) They are more hung up on the emotional high than on the actual sex. The sneaking around and risk taking provides an extra thrill just to keep it all sufficiently dramatic. This type may spend hours discussing it with their (extremely fed up) friends - if only we could be together, I know he/she is THE ONE, but how can I betray my partner and tear my children's lives apart, but it's MEANT TO BE, blah blah blah. Often trot out the phrase "The heart wants what it wants", which we should all remember was coined by a middle aged man to justify him starting a relationship with his barely-adult step-daughter 🤮

It's entirely possible that your husband loves you deeply and has the greatest respect for you. It's just that his idea of how you treat people you respect doesn't match up with yours. It's also possible he's a serial cheater and you've only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.

It's a horrible situation to suddenly find out that what you thought was a rock-solid partnership actually is pretty wobbly in a fundamental way. Don't rush yourself to make choices right now - you are accountable only to your self. Also, if you decide to work on the marriage, but further down the line you find you can't put it behind you - that's okay. It's okay to say "I thought I could do this, but I realize now I can't, it's destroying my mental health." You do not "owe" him a second chance. It's always okay to change your mind.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation A cheater never "loves" their partner. It's a contradiction of terms. If you're cheating, you may still fancy your partner, be in lust with them, or have affection for them but not "love".

Love isn't a feeling but a conscious action and choice. The very act of cheating (physical or otherwise) means you're choosing not to love them. Love isn't self focused, it's choosing to put the good of the other person above your own selfish desires.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Oh god I think my DH fell into the drama llama category unfortunately It was an emotional affair which only turned physical around the time I found out about it - I know that the thrill of the secret work romance swiftly wore off once he moved in with her .
I agree with the PP re. Learning from the experience- I actually feel like I’ve grown up in the last year , I’m much more cynical about love sadly but I feel I have a greater understanding of humanity !