I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

ginandcv
I like your honesty

When I had my 'revenge' affair- I returned again and again for hits and did not consider my husband at any point. The discovery of his infidelities brought me to my knees and to hell and back. I chose to focus on my needs for once - it had been all about him for far too long.

People fuck up, lie, steal, cheat.. it doesn't excuse things but life is rarely simple or fair

Agreed, thank you for sharing

But you've not really answered my question. Were you open about your feelings in your relationship with your husband before you cheated ?
Your parents may well have just celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, mine have too, but I wouldn't say their relationship is a healthy one, so its not necessarily a marker of anything.

Yes I think I was open. Until I wasn't. We got on really well (still do). I did tell him about the other guy having feelings for me. I can't reply remember too much now tbh. I know there wasn't anything more my husband should have done differently.

As for my parents (how can anyone really know about another ones relationship?) my point is I never witnessed anything that would lead me to believe there were problems.

@Thewookiemustgo

Think we’re divided into two camps here. You can love someone and cheat/ if you cheat you don’t love someone. Everyone’s definition is different. Everyone’s experience is different. No wrong or right, just opinions. *@Nocar* absolutely can’t disagree with the other reasons you mentioned either. But you’d still be miserable (allegedly nearly always a reason for stepping outside the relationship in the first place) and have to fake your desire for sex, play act at being loving and romantic to someone you don’t love for the rest of your life. There’s staying for practical/ familiar/ lazy reasons but there really is also staying for love. Staying, reconnecting with your partner, being loving and being happy and fully invested in your partner is possible for someone who has cheated. Its perfectly possible to be in a long familiar relationship and the kick up the arse of having an affair reminds the cheater of just how much they love their partner. Loving someone despite having cheated on them is the only reason to stay for me. Everything else is fake if you don’t love someone any more. I couldn’t live like that.

I don't agree with that. I just think the separation is triggering attachment anxiety, that's were the crazy, intense feelings are coming from - longing, pining, desperate need is not love its . Your trying to fill a void that wasn't met as a child. People that cheat are not emotionally healthy individuals.

@ginandcv how long did your affair last and did you confess or where you found out? did you leave your marriage initially to be with your AP? again you don't need to share just interested in the dynamics of these things. As I said I am living it now and have done for a year where my W is actively seeing the OM while living in our house, its all out in the open etc. I seems to be she has totally changed and I just don't recognise her now.

I thought my ex was one of 'the good ones' but recently discovered he fathered a child while we were together. I had my suspicions at the time and looking back there were so many times he was out with OW and I told myself I was being silly because he wasn't that type of guy.

I don't know how I'll trust again. I feel like even those who are 100% sure their partner would never cheat end up getting cheated on. So how can I ever trust anyone?

sunshineandflipflops
I agree that the unhappy spouse should communicate their feelings before engaging in an affair. It may be the unfaithful spouse was not even unhappy and if so were not in tune with how they were feeling. As the betrayed spouse I felt on the backfoot as my choices were taken away. I felt unequal, vulnerable and at the mercy of my husband - I hated it. I am only beginning to gain a sense of power back now and never want to be in such a place again.

@Nocar
"we are a product of our upbringing if you're not taught how to communicate your feelings honestly then its unlikely you will know how to do it"

I was taught how to communicate effectively in the upbringing I had. However, I married someone who wasn't, yet it was me who ended up having the EA.

I can honestly say I never thought I'd be that person to cross that line, but I did. I thought we were happy beforehand, our friends thought the same. Only by having the EA has it caused me to reflect upon the marriage and what happened or didn't happen for me to act the way I did. I hate myself for it, and the guilt will never leave me but it is so much easier to get sucked in little by little than everyone would think.

@Livandme

Anyone is capable of cheating. Given the "right" circumstances.

Well I guess, yes, we are all actually capable of cheating but many simply would not.

I think cheating is wrong, disgusting and something you would NEVER EVER do to someone you love and, just as important, like and respect.

I know 100% I would never cheat. I totally believe in marriage and love, like and respect my DH of 40 years. I could not and would not ever do that to him and nor would I want to.

Anyone who says they can't be sure they wouldn't cheat needs to have a good hard look at themselves, their morals (or lack of) and their relationship.

how long did your affair last and did you confess or where you found out? did you leave your marriage initially to be with your AP? again you don't need to share just interested in the dynamics of these things

It was a couple of months. No. I ended it and never got discovered. This was a while ago so no COVID to think about. I think about this a lot. I think about confessing but haven't.

One of the reasons I never confessed was that I never want DH to feel like he had done anything wrong.

I don't think I'm ever really able to articulate my decision making process. I think he'd want to stay together so the outcome of a confession would be the same. We'd stay together but he'd have a whole load of pain heaped on him.

After I ended the affair I behaved as if I had been caught. What I mean is that I set about sorting myself out. Being open and honest with phone etc (not that he ever asked). I put the energy and time into my marriage rather than AP.

I think often about the implication of not confessing. He should have the choice to leave me. We have a great life though. Day in, day out ... all through COVID, lockdowns etc we function as an ordinary functioning couple.

It sounds bizarre but I look back at the affair and sort of pretend I was in a psych ward? That in 40 years I had a breakdown that I self medicated with an affair then... I dunno.. got well again?

I will say for the period of my affair I didn't have sex with my husband. It's cheap, nasty and grim however I pitch it though.

i dont believe you can ever 100% trust anyone. even yourself. As your feelings change and people change and the world changes. We are all human and we all make mistakes or do things the wrong way round.

You don’t see it coming because you would never do the same.

Or think so! It’s so interesting seeing pp who have cheated set out how and why... we’re all imperfect and I suppose the circumstances/ intent ranges doesn’t it. The impact is much the same though... or at least the base level impact and repercussions are. It’s always going to hurt your other half.

Saying that, know someone who cheated because her husband had been utterly awful to her for years and ground her down and her self esteem... someone came along and either took advantage or boosted it, I don’t know. She said the affair only made her feel worse about herself, but gave her the incentive to actually leave when before she felt imprisoned

@FelicityCentre

i dont believe you can ever 100% trust anyone. even yourself. As your feelings change and people change and the world changes. We are all human and we all make mistakes or do things the wrong way round.

Rubbish of course you can trust yourself. I do. I know I would never cheat. What exactly is so difficult about that?

Being human does not make it ok to cheat. It is NOT a mistake. No one ends up in bed with someone because their clothes somehow magically flew off and without knowing how they were in bed having sex.

You make a decision to have sex with someone else. A conscious decision. Perfectly possible not to make that decision especially if you love your partner and have decent morals.

All the rubbish about "I never meant for it to happen". I roll my eyes at that, not someone saying they trust their OH.

I find it sad that so many people seem to have so little morals and think cheating is just a mistake.

Feelings can change and if you no longer love, like and respect your partner you do the decent thing and leave them not cheat on them.

Thankfully my DH has the same views on marriage and fidelity as I do.

Also neither of us have ever been sad enough to get so drunk as to end up in bed with someone although personally I think that is just another pathetic excuse

I do wonder for those of us that have been the betrayed if that helps solidify more in our minds that we'd not cheat. I think for myself I think more about how its made me feel and I personally would never want to put another living soul through what I am going through now. I think we need to remember here that the cheater is still making a choice and while that may sound like I am saying its black and white its still a choice made.

@Nocar let’s agree to disagree. 😂

ginandcv
Although your husband may/does not know about your affair, it brought some harm to your marriage. Your affair would have created a wall between you and your husband. He deserves the right to have all the information and then decide if knowing everything, he wishes to remain in the marriage. Until you disclose your affair, you have the upper hand in your marriage which is unhealthy and unfair. You have decided that him not knowing is better for him, taking away his choices.

I think it totally depends on what the definition of love is.

As @Thewookiemustgo says I think the answers are different in every different relationship, nobody is wrong in this.

For me as another poster stated it was how my h dealt with the situation of the affair, so you have to deal with the affair to start with, then you have to deal with the ongoing effects of the affair and the aftermath.
For me his actions did not equate to love during and after the affair.

I think it's too simple to state someone does not love they if have an affair. I knew someone who commited suicide after having an affair and his wife wouldn't forgive or take him back.
Was that love? or something else.

As for trust and figuring out if your partner is capable of an affair, well I think it's impossible to tell if it could happen, its just impossible.

I do think the chances of an affair happening can go up in percentages depending on how attractive your partner is, how wealthy he is, how much power he holds and how popular he is.
Add to that opportunities, power balance in a relationship and someones capability of emotional feelings.
Theres' a lot to weigh up.

I do agree with what you're saying Faith50.

I consider this all the time. I don't know that a confession would bring anything other than pain now though.

It's done and over. I am a different person now. I've changed (for the better). Life is good.

If I thought a confession would somehow balance the books then I would do it, but all I can see is pain for everyone. It'd make a bad thing worse. I think.

You can't trust know someone 100% for sure.
But you can tell your OH your boundaries.

If H cheated (and I found out of course) there would be no more us. He knows this. I would become a paranoid shell.

So he knows the risks.
It works visa versa clearly.

frozendaisy
My husband and I did not discuss our boundaries. It did not occur to me to do so as I expected we would keep our wedding vows. As it stands we both have broken boundaries which leaves us in a rather crap marriage.

If people could see the destruction of what infidelity brings, I would hope they would not go through with it. The unfaithful hope they are never found out and must feel devastated when what they have done in darkness comes to light.

@feeficken

I do wonder for those of us that have been the betrayed if that helps solidify more in our minds that we'd not cheat. I think for myself I think more about how its made me feel and I personally would never want to put another living soul through what I am going through now. I think we need to remember here that the cheater is still making a choice and while that may sound like I am saying its black and white its still a choice made.

I agree. My dads father left his mother for OW. The experience resulted in my dads lifelong loyalty to my mum from age 19 to when he died at 62. He had lived it, he had experienced the consequences his dads decision (many, I never met my paternal grandfather). For him, it was a lesson in what not to do. This all meant that my parents educated me (not formally but with the odd observation and comment on what happens when a spouse leaves, their behaviour when they leave for another person, the grass is rarely greener and so on).

If this kind of thing wasn’t talked about growing up then I suppose it might be easier to fall for the illusion that the grass is going to be greener over there (with the affair partner).

God, this one is so difficult @Faith50 and @ginandcv. Really, really hard. Even I flip flop between two minds sometimes, and believe me, I’ve over-thought everything to death.

1. thank God I found out, I’d rather know the truth and live with it.

2. All things being equal I’d have been happier not knowing. If he’d ended it secretly and been the way he is with me now and over the last two years, and I didn’t know what he’d done, I’d be far happier now and nobody would have had to ever get as hurt.

Maybe thought 2 is just tempting because of the crap I’ve been through and still go through, but if the outcome is the same, confessions only ease the soul of the confessor but devastate the listener.

Option 1 did give me the ability to choose, however, and I stand by my choices and expect no sympathy for them if I’m wrong and he does it again. That’s all on me. It would have been far easier not to know, though.

People tend to confide in me a lot and I know stuff that I’ll take to my grave as people would be deeply hurt and it certainly isn’t my place to do that. I’d never betray a confidence unless I thought someone wasn’t safe. There are some things people have told me that I really wish I didn’t know, however.

This thread is giving me squeezy head. 🙈

My parents were happily married - DP’s weren’t.

DP was cheated on by his former partner and I wasn’t, XH and I just fell out of love.

In fact all my family (grandparents, siblings, ex-in-laws etc) all had happy marriages - except for one distant relative who played out the script to his ex wife about “I love you but I’m not in love with you” before conveniently meeting and moving in with ‘the love of his life’ shortly afterwards.

I don’t have some romantic notion about ‘the one’ and that true love conquers all. People are complicated and their choices don’t always make sense. I feel like I’m just being realistic that even if it’s 99.9% I’m still not going to say categorically that my DP (or indeed I) would never cheat.

• I think it's too simple to state someone does not love they if have an affair. I knew someone who committed suicide after having an affair and his wife wouldn't forgive or take him back. Was that love? or something else.* Something else! My ex partner could equally be on these boards, expressing his undying love, how much he regrets it, misses me etc. Years down the line. In truth what he regards as emotionally expressive, is emotional dysregulation, manifesting in emotional outbursts. He was also depressive and borderline alcoholic, if not a full alcoholic. I lived with the unspoken threat of suicide, it was an extremely unhealthy relationship. I am sure in his head that he does love me, I know he doesn't. The truth of the relationship is that I validated him and poured unlimited love into him in return for breadcrumbs, because of my own poor boundaries and lack of understanding of what a proper relationship looked like. He didn't love me, he just loved what I gave to him. That isn't love. Maybe there are some anomalies ( I doubt it) but I think a lot of people on here saying you can love someone and cheat, are falling into the category of a. cheater that has realised the grass isn't greener. Or b. they have got back with a cheat and there is an element of denial involved. Sorry that's the truth. Maybe you can rebuild the relationship, with some hard work and honesty, if both parties want that and true love can grow from that, but I think in the main once someone has cheated, its over and only dysfunction and more misery can follow. Lastly, I am yet to meet someone who has experienced infidelity leading to a break up describe their past relationship in a way that sounds even remotely healthy and not filled with red flags. So I will go back to my original point the writing is usually on the wall before it happens, no matter how unexpected and shocking it is. Its not that you can't trust anyone, its because you are ignoring the red flags either because you are not attuned to them, or because the truth is too painful.