I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

Because it’s familiar territory. The relationship is mirroring childhood wounds that feel like love.
You have an established set of friends and family and Starting over is hard work.
Divorce is expensive.
Yes I will hold my hands up to all of that - however, I’m not going to judge myself too harshly for staying.

@Nocar absolutely agree with the emotional cowardice and I’d also add conflict avoidance and reluctance to discuss relationship issues. Doesn’t excuse the behaviour, I’m a firm believer that nothing does, but I’d certainly see it as a red flag in a potential partner as a possible infidelity predictor.

That's entirely your choice and I am not judging, I've been in that situation and know how difficult it is, but I am responding to posters that seem to be under the impression you can cheat and love someone, imo you can't.
I also think a lot of people do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, so will miss the warning signs. As far as I am concerned people in healthy relationships do not cheat. If you go for relationship counselling, the one thing they will encourage you to do is communicate openly and honestly, that' usually what's missing from the relationship in the first place.
Again, I am not judging a lot of people don't know any different, I certainly didn't and its took a lot of work to understand this.

@Nocar I’m finding your posts really insightful thank you

If I say I’ve always just been relieved he’s not an alcoholic like my father that probably says a great deal !!

Oh god - I need to get some more counselling !

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman That's interesting because my partner is a recovering alcoholic (was sober when we met and continues to work hard in his recovery) and I feel like 'at least he's not a cheat (so far)'.

FWIW I don't think it's as black and white as 'if he loved you he wouldn't cheat'. I believe my ex husband loved me, just not in the way he should have done...not enough for me to stay with him and settle for that love for the rest of my life.

Our marriage was happy. He wasn't great at communicating and I think that rather than work on that, he went for the easy distraction from the real world and into the fantasy of a different life where he was him and not husband, dad, bill payer.

I just think it's really easy to say that someone's marriage was in a bad place for one party to have an affair. It's not always the case, it really isn't.

I'm one of those people who has a great marriage but had an affair. I love my husband. I had a stupid midlife crisis. I regret everything.

My DH never neglected me (or the marriage). I don't even recognise myself.

I've had counselling and medication, read loads of stuff but I will feel guilty and shameful about this forever.

I don't think DH would cheat, but I would have said that about myself until I did.

I was in an unhappy marriage previously and never cheated (don't think XH did either)

The point to this is that I did some hardcore mental gymnastics to justify what I did until I came to my senses and ended it. It has a ripple effect though. It has changed everything.

People fuck up, lie, steal, cheat.. it doesn't excuse things but life is rarely simple or fair.

I do think there’s a huge difference between types of cheating - I’m not saying it’s ok to get drunk and end up shagging your workmates but I do think a drunken shag that the person feels remorseful about and confesses to ASAP, while making amends by moving jobs, not drinking to excess etc is very different from an ongoing affair with all the lies and deceit that go along with it.

I know 100% that I would not have an ongoing affair, but if I was drunk and not in control of my faculties and some gorgeous guy tried it on with me, I’m not 100% certain that I would be able to resist. In that moment I imagine my ego would be flattered and my inhibitions down and there’s a small - I mean minuscule - chance that I might cheat, despite how much in the cold light of day I love my DP and would never want to hurt him.

Luckily for my DP I rarely go out, and when I do, I don’t get steaming drunk, and if I do, men don’t come onto me. And if ever that imperfect storm did occur, our relationship and my self esteem are in a good enough place that I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be suckered into it. But I can 100% understand how it happens to even the ones who think they’d never cheat.

@Sunshineandflipflops it’s fascinating (and depressing) to think about why people chose the partners and relationships that they do.
Well done to your partner with his recovery.
I honestly don’t know what I think about love anymore !

FWIW I don't think it's as black and white as 'if he loved you he wouldn't cheat'. I believe my ex husband loved me, just not in the way he should have done...
So would it be fair to say it wasn't really love.

I trust my DH. Of course I can't guarantee he won't cheat, the only things certain in life are death and taxes. But marriage does require a leap of faith, I took that leap nearly 30 years ago and chose to trust - I don't think you can have a strong marriage without trust.

However, I am far from dependent and have always had access to my own earned money, my own friends and outside interests. I love my family but I have not put all my financial and emotional eggs in the one basket as some women on these boards seem to have done.

'Love many; trust a few; always paddle your own canoe.'

I'm one of those people who has a great marriage but had an affair. I love my husband. I had a stupid midlife crisis. I regret everything.

Before you had your affair would you say you had a healthy relationship with your husband, as in you were emotionally upfront and honest with him.
My point is that there probably was red flags in your relationship that your husband missed and to an extent you can know if someone is likely to cheat, its just people are not alert to them.
Again not judging, we are a product of our upbringing if you're not taught how to communicate your feelings honestly then its unlikely you will know how to do it and I assume your counselling and books have helped you in that respect.

I think what's also important is how you as the person thats had the affair responds to hurting your partner, I think there really is a difference between say having a one night stand and admitting it and being truly sorry, to say lying for months or years and being actively deceitful during that time. My W for example hers started as an EA texting and flirting with co-worker and that was going on for months then she decided to end our marriage and it transitioned into a PA and she went through stages of not knowing what she wanted although she has now chosen to be with OM but while still living with me so far. I feel she fits into the "drama llama betrayers" that a previous poster posted.

Affairs are messy in what leads up to them and the fall out of affairs are messy and its often the fall out I feel that does the most damage.

Please ignore the majority of posters overconfidence, so many people on this website have clearly never had to deal with trials in their lives, they assume every disagreement must be "LTB" or "dump him" and their partners are paragons of virtue and incapable of dishonesty. Reality just hasn't hit them yet.

[quote TweeterandtheMonkeyman]@Nocar I’m finding your posts really insightful thank you

If I say I’ve always just been relieved he’s not an alcoholic like my father that probably says a great deal !!

Oh god - I need to get some more counselling ![/quote]
Thank you. I would recommend counselling to help you understand yourself and your relationship patterns. It helped me a lot.

@Notquitesureaboutthis

I think people who say they trust their DH/Dw to not cheat are a little foolish tbh. I don't mean to sound horrible or nasty but how can you know anything for certain!

I trust my DP as far as trust goes. He has never done or said anything to make me doubt him. He is the most loyal and respectful man I know. But can I say I trust 100% that he'd never cheat? Absolutely not.

This

@arthurbloom.what a load of shit

You have zero idea what I have gone through or what my relationship has endured.

Dont get me wrong, I've had the shit relationships, been cheated on, been abused, endured far more damage than you'd ever get your wee judgemental head around, but I can 100% say I trust my partner to never having an affair and vice versa.
There are thankfully good guys around. Hopefully one day everyone here will find one and won't have allowed their past to affect their future

@Nocar

I'm one of those people who has a great marriage but had an affair. I love my husband. I had a stupid midlife crisis. I regret everything.

Before you had your affair would you say you had a healthy relationship with your husband, as in you were emotionally upfront and honest with him.
My point is that there probably was red flags in your relationship that your husband missed and to an extent you can know if someone is likely to cheat, its just people are not alert to them.
Again not judging, we are a product of our upbringing if you're not taught how to communicate your feelings honestly then its unlikely you will know how to do it and I assume your counselling and books have helped you in that respect.

Yep. We had a very open and fun marriage. He didn't miss any cues. Someone new came along - different to him - and I got swept along. I never want to make it sound like I was passive. I wasn't. I chose to do what I did. Like a drug I went back for more 'hits'. Yuk.

FWIW I don't think it's as black and white as 'if he loved you he wouldn't cheat'. I believe my ex husband loved me, just not in the way he should have done...
So would it be fair to say it wasn't really love.

@Nocar No, I don't think it would be fair to say that. Love isn't black and white and doesn't always follow set rules. My idea of love might be very different to yours and very different again from the next person.
Your version of love states that someone would NEVER be unfaithful, mine says that you can love someone and be unfaithful but that love isn't enough for me to stay. I do believe that many people who have affairs don't love their partner any more, of course, but humans and relationships are far more complex than to assume that's definitely the case for everyone.

sunshineandflipflops
Stating the marriage was not good almost allows the unfaithful spouse to feel justified. Sometimes a marriage can be improved, having an affair is not a solution as it destroys the union taking years to recover from whether you stay or leave. Two people are in a marriage so both are responsible for working at any issues by communicating.

When I discovered my husband's infidelities, I assumed our marriage was terrible, that he secretly hated me, that he had wanted out for years and just did not know how to tell me - it played major havoc on my mental health.

@Nocar

I'm one of those people who has a great marriage but had an affair. I love my husband. I had a stupid midlife crisis. I regret everything.

Before you had your affair would you say you had a healthy relationship with your husband, as in you were emotionally upfront and honest with him.
My point is that there probably was red flags in your relationship that your husband missed and to an extent you can know if someone is likely to cheat, its just people are not alert to them.
Again not judging, we are a product of our upbringing if you're not taught how to communicate your feelings honestly then its unlikely you will know how to do it and I assume your counselling and books have helped you in that respect.

Oh and my parents have just celebrated their golden wedding anniversary with a seemingly great marriage.

I have nothing in my past that I can look to as a reason for my behaviour. I never saw anything untoward in their marriage.

I roll my eyes at anyone who says their Dh/dp would NEVER cheat.

It doesn't matter how great your relationship is or how in love you are - you can never fully trust another person.
My dsis and bf 100% totally, completely trusted their husbands too - they still went on to have affairs (and then also became like different men - it seems they often turn very nasty and try to blame the women). Nobody saw it coming.

I don't think my Dh would cheat as we have a good relationship and he would have a lot to lose but I would never say never. We cannot control others actions and people do change or sometimes lead double lives.

@Faith50 I didn't say our marriage wasn't good - quite the opposite (in my eyes at least). I would have liked to have thought that if there were issues we could have at least tried to work through them but he never gave me that option before having an affair. You can only work on things if you know about them.

Think we’re divided into two camps here. You can love someone and cheat/ if you cheat you don’t love someone. Everyone’s definition is different. Everyone’s experience is different. No wrong or right, just opinions.
@Nocar absolutely can’t disagree with the other reasons you mentioned either. But you’d still be miserable (allegedly nearly always a reason for stepping outside the relationship in the first place) and have to fake your desire for sex, play act at being loving and romantic to someone you don’t love for the rest of your life. There’s staying for practical/ familiar/ lazy reasons but there really is also staying for love. Staying, reconnecting with your partner, being loving and being happy and fully invested in your partner is possible for someone who has cheated. Its perfectly possible to be in a long familiar relationship and the kick up the arse of having an affair reminds the cheater of just how much they love their partner. Loving someone despite having cheated on them is the only reason to stay for me. Everything else is fake if you don’t love someone any more. I couldn’t live like that.

But you've not really answered my question. Were you open about your feelings in your relationship with your husband before you cheated ?
Your parents may well have just celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, mine have too, but I wouldn't say their relationship is a healthy one, so its not necessarily a marker of anything.

And I agree that people often cheat even though they are still in a good and loving relationship with their spouse - and often still having good sex lives.
It's often just about the excitement of having illicit encounters. They want to have their cake and eat it and have no intention of leaving their wives - in all the cases I know of the wives found out - it wasn't that the men wanted to leave - their deceit was uncovered otherwise they would've just carried on in secret probably until the day their penises ceased to work!