I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

Can I ask those who say you can't trust your OH 100% or, even sadder, yourself whether you can trust your OH and yourself not to go out and commit a murder, break into a house and burgle it, shoplift? Maybe in exceptional circumstances you could murder someone such as self defence and maybe if you had starving children you would shoplift.

This is exactly my point I would never steal, shoplift or murder now. However if my children were starving then I may steal or shoplift & could murder to protect my child.

Nobody knows until they do.

One of my parents friends growing up cheated on his wife. He lost both parents within 6 months of each other & was in a serious car accident that required a long stint in recovery where he learnt to walk again. He cheated a few yrs later & whilst I would never condone it, it's not a stretch to comprehend that he was a very different man at 45 compared to 40.

@Faith50 not to quantify the pain of infidelity, but I kind of think the trust had been broken by your partner already, and so what you did wasn't bad if that makes sense. Personally I wouldn't beat myself up over it.

Also, interesting the comments you and others have made about type of person more likely to cheat. I think in the right circumstances, flattered by attention and as something exciting to take me out of a rut, I could definitely cheat. I try really hard not to though as I think it'd be an awful feeling for my partner. Also I do know women that have cheated, only one of which was in an unhappy relationship at the time. But I think more discreet, as in some of their partners still don't know or they weren't found out for years

Of course your going to trust someone you love because at the end of the day its that trust and that love that binds you, its not delusional that you trust your spouse or partner not to cheat, and that trust includes them telling you if feelings change and that they will be honest with you and will leave the relationship cleanly and this is where trust blends to hope that they will do the right thing.

I think what others are saying is that we also trusted our spouses/partners but where totally blind sided, I love and trusted 100% and I said all of the things others have said about how my wife would never do that but she did in the end. Even when my wife came back one of the times I chose to trust again because I didn't want to live by checking on her and I didn't want her to have to live that way either but I was bitten again because she was seeing OM while I thought I was in reconciliation.

To answer the question about how you would see an affair coming in the circumstances described by the OP, the answer is: you probably can't.
I think the only hint you can get in this situation is where your partner spends time on a regular basis with another woman. Because that is what it takes to build up to an affair: regular interaction. But even then, how is the wife supposed to tell the difference between regular interaction as friends/colleagues, and regular interaction leading to an affair? It would have been virtually impossible to see this affair coming, OP.

A1b2c3
I still made a choice to cheat - not all betrayed spouses go on to cheat. They leave or stay in the marriage and try to move beyond the infidelity. There is clearly something in me slightly unhinged and calculated as I planned the whole thing. Yes, I was in excruciating pain and in the depths of despair but does this justify my actions? Now I am in the same position as my h - no better than him at all. If I had been in a financial position where I was able to comfortably run a home and keep the same lifestyle for me and dc, I would have walked away. Whether our marriage would have gone on to be restored, who knows. I recall feeling trapped, having no choice that would actually bring any benefit.

Thank you for being understanding. Generally I am too hard on myself.

@Faith50 I think you are hard on yourself. He broke the relationship initially. As you say, if you had been in a financially comfortable position, you'd have left him. You were hurt, and trapped in a situation where your marriage wasn't happy (because of his actions). I think its understandable to slip up and look for attention/validation/distraction elsewhere. Not ideal, but for your husband to say its as bad as what he did isn't at all correct in my opinion. if I was the one who cheated first, I'd in no way think I had a leg to stand on to berate my partner. However I might use it in an argument to make myself feel better about what I did - ie to try to frame it as we are both as bad and it wasn't just me. Hope you're okay.

I also think that we all have different definitions and boundaries when it comes to cheating. I myself was more upset about the fact my DH when I wasn’t at home sat writing and recording songs about someone else and texting all the time over a 10 month period to this same 21 year old(he was 41 at the time) even though it was just as he described it ‘a crush that went a bit too far’ - than if he had shagged someone on a drunken ONS. I’m not saying that wouldn’t have upset me too but I found the emotional involvement aspect with someone else harder to look past. I always felt we had a great emotional connection so whilst he buggered my trust he also did huge damage I feel to how I actually ‘saw’ him. We are still married and I do care, but I certainly realise that it doesn’t take a poor marriage to make someone do stuff totally out of character.

I would never trust a partner or husband 100%. I have been with DP for 21 years and i would never say he wouldnt cheat on me as i very much believe that given the opportunity he would.

He has had plenty of inappropriate friendships with women over the years which accumulated in an EA 2 years ago. It did kind of blindside me as i thought we were happy, in a rut, but happy.

We are still together 2 years later, and although i dont trust him, i am doing things for me. I am improving my social life (when covid finally pisses off), paying off lots of debt, sorting my life out as i very much feel he will do it again at some point in the future.

Why do i say with him? I love him, and 2 years ago wasnt strong enough to leave. But i have very much gone into this with my eyes open and i know that the person i love most has and will hurt me the most.

And yet despite everything i wouldnt cheat on him, revenge cheating doesnt appeal to me. In all our 21 years he is the only man i have ever fancied and desired. Sad but true.

@mars2

Can I ask those who say you can't trust your OH 100% or, even sadder, yourself whether you can trust your OH and yourself not to go out and commit a murder, break into a house and burgle it, shoplift? Maybe in exceptional circumstances you could murder someone such as self defence and maybe if you had starving children you would shoplift.

This is exactly my point I would never steal, shoplift or murder now. However if my children were starving then I may steal or shoplift & could murder to protect my child.

I can understand that if your children were starving you would be tempted to shoplift. Good chance though that you could not actually do it.

I can also see that in order to protect yourself or a member of your family you may kill someone. Pretty sure though that there are no circumstances that would make you burgle a house.

As I said, in exceptional circumstances you MAY kill someone or shoplift but what exactly are the exceptional circumstances that would make cheating ok?

[quote mars2]@lynsey91 you misunderstand. I strongly believe cheating is wrong, I have never cheated & don't believe I was ever cheated on. My point is even though I would like to think I wouldn't cheat no matter the circumstances I can't be sure unless i'm i'm them. That's all [/quote]
Ok I accept that you feel you can't be sure but I would think many people can be sure.

I know with absolute certainty that I could not cheat. Just not capable of it no matter what

As I said, in exceptional circumstances you MAY kill someone or shoplift but what exactly are the exceptional circumstances that would make cheating ok?

Where have I ever said exceptional circumstances would make any stealing, cheating etc ok? Exceptional circumstances may result in cheating but that doesn't mean it's ok.

I can also see that in order to protect yourself or a member of your family you may kill someone. Pretty sure though that there are no circumstances that would make you burgle a house.

It depends doesn't it? who knew in 2019 we would spend most of 2020 not being able to see family & not be able to get toilet roll or flour for a bit.
If my child was starving & I was far from a shop then I might break into a house & steal some food 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know with absolute certainty that I could not cheat. Just not capable of it no matter what

I bet a lot of people who go on to murder say the same!

If my father-in-law, whose beloved wife has been in a nursing home with dementia for two years and has barely been able to visit her for a year, decided to make a new relationship while still married to her, I would be delighted. And if anyone said he was 'cheating' I would throw a drink in their face, and I think my mother-in-law would have done too.

I know never say never. However, what I do know is that if dh cheated I would leave him.
I know that if I stayed with him I would make his life a complete and utter misery
I have seen some friends/ relatives stay with men who cheated on them. Many of them do not really recover from their partner’s cheating as much as they try to make it work.
There’s always the suspicion, the worry and the fear.
I would never say that my dh wouldn’t cheat, but he knows that I would not remain in the marriage if he did.

Trusting someone 100% is very naive... Anyone could do anything ....

@Lampzade I always said that too. But he waited to cheat on me after 30 years of marriage, I am 59 , Covid hit his job, responsible for elderly relative, not enough equity for seperate houses. So I am trapped. Never thought it would end this way .

"DH thinks divorce is ‘tacky’ and prides himself on not knowing any divorced couples among his parents’ friends, or his own friends. I have a very small handful amongst mine."
FFS. It's 2021 and people still think like this - and pride themselves on it. Divorce is better than living in a loveless or abusive marriage and adults who recognise this and are forced to make a very difficult but necessary decision deserve support and kindness - not derisory attitudes and divorce shaming. Honestly, it's hard enough being a single parent without also being subject to couple culture and other people's exclusionary views.

What I can never understand is that, in the heat of the moment when a person is on the brink of cheating, they can't foresee the terrible consequences of their actions - the ruining the life of their spouse and the lifetime of pain they are inflicting upon them, the potential loss of their marriage, and with the loss of that marriage the possible loss of their home, their children, and also family and friends who may no longer want to know them because of it. It is so short-sighted, I genuinely don't understand why these people are so incapable of joining the dots.

@Magicpaintbrush agreed. That’s the bit I can’t fathom. I guess if they can, they’ve massively underestimated it, or they know already that they want out of their relationship and are lining someone else up/ looking for an excuse, or they think they’re smart enough never to get caught. It’s rarely worth any of it, that’s for sure.

I think at that point, they just don't really care, it all seems theoretical and they're thinking with their genitals. Have you never done something stupid that you knew was stupid but you still did it anyway?

Magicpaintbrush
Most unfaithful only deal with the consequences when they come. It is difficult to imagine the ruin before the ruin.

The sad part is in cases where they have not been discovered, they have to live with themselves every day. Most easily manage to hold the secret convincing themselves that their spouse is better off not knowing. For others it eats them alive. My dh informed me he would drive to remote areas, scream his head off and contemplate jumping off bridges. Of course he didn't, he returned home and acted normally for years before confessing.

When I had my revenge affair I knew exactly what I was doing. I even planned in my mind which day I would sleep with the AP. He did not make a single move until I gave him the green light. As Category12 stated, I did not care or even think about the future.