I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

I think at that point, they just don't really care, it all seems theoretical and they're thinking with their genitals. Have you never done something stupid that you knew was stupid but you still did it anyway?

I expect you're exactly right. But I think with infidelity it's the sheer enormity of what's actually at stake that I find so difficult to understand why people still do it. Literally ruining lives. I expect I've done stupid things yes, but nothing near to that level of stupid, no. But then I am faithful and cautious by nature.

@Magicpaintbrush

What I can never understand is that, in the heat of the moment when a person is on the brink of cheating, they can't foresee the terrible consequences of their actions - the ruining the life of their spouse and the lifetime of pain they are inflicting upon them, the potential loss of their marriage, and with the loss of that marriage the possible loss of their home, their children, and also family and friends who may no longer want to know them because of it. It is so short-sighted, I genuinely don't understand why these people are so incapable of joining the dots.

I don't think those dots always do join up though. I think most affairs don't get found out.

[quote TweeterandtheMonkeyman]@Thewookiemustgo thank you for sharing , yes my story is very similar. I would also like to know if your relationship survived?
Mine did - we separated for a few months but we are now a year on. And I do trust him again , as in there would be no point in carrying on with our marriage otherwise, he made a big mistake and I believe that he’s extremely sorry. I suppose I don’t hold him in as high regard as I once did![/quote]
But how can you trust him ? You trusted him before and he cheated.
If they're capable of doing it once they can do it again.
From experience , second time I got a lovely STI 🙄

@JSL52 I’m not sure if you meant me or Tweeter to reply. Sorry if it’s not me you want to reply, it came up on my notifications that I’d been mentioned.
Sorry you gave him a second chance and it ended so horribly. That must have been so hard. That would be unforgivable for me, too, and I wouldn’t stay either. I can’t actually forgive my husband fully yet. Acceptance has been key for me. I’ve accepted what he did and why, I’ve accepted that it is in the past, but only time will tell as far as full forgiveness is concerned.
I’m prepared to give him a chance, like you did. I have my own reasons for that which I won’t share because it usually gets a shitstorm of pulling apart from strangers who know nothing about me, him, our teenage kids or our 37 years together and it’s not worth the aggro.
As for trust, no, I’ll never trust anyone as blindly as I did before this again. It’s not up to me to prove why he should be trusted, it’s up to him to prove it to me. If he screws up that will be it for me. I don’t think anyone actually should trust blindly any more, my faith in human nature has been shaken, which I feel sad about. I’d certainly never want to start a new relationship if we ever do split up. To try to trust a stranger would be far too difficult for me. I hope you’ve found happiness now and have learned to trust again. X

Also part of the nature of trust is that you trust because you don’t think someone is capable of doing something awful until they do. So even the person you trust who has never done this before, is still never a predictor that they won’t. It still doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have faith and trust, however, or we’d never start a relationship with anyone just in case. But never trust blindly like I did, no matter how much you think you know them. It was a huge mistake.
Infidelity might be a predictor of future behaviour, or it might not. Some people learn and are horrified at themselves and never repeat it. Some learn nothing and sadly squander the chance they were given.

I do believe trust can be earned back, but only over a long period of time with no further sniff of anything untoward.

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@JSL52 I’m not sure if you meant me or Tweeter to reply. Sorry if it’s not me you want to reply, it came up on my notifications that I’d been mentioned.
Sorry you gave him a second chance and it ended so horribly. That must have been so hard. That would be unforgivable for me, too, and I wouldn’t stay either. I can’t actually forgive my husband fully yet. Acceptance has been key for me. I’ve accepted what he did and why, I’ve accepted that it is in the past, but only time will tell as far as full forgiveness is concerned.
I’m prepared to give him a chance, like you did. I have my own reasons for that which I won’t share because it usually gets a shitstorm of pulling apart from strangers who know nothing about me, him, our teenage kids or our 37 years together and it’s not worth the aggro.
As for trust, no, I’ll never trust anyone as blindly as I did before this again. It’s not up to me to prove why he should be trusted, it’s up to him to prove it to me. If he screws up that will be it for me. I don’t think anyone actually should trust blindly any more, my faith in human nature has been shaken, which I feel sad about. I’d certainly never want to start a new relationship if we ever do split up. To try to trust a stranger would be far too difficult for me. I hope you’ve found happiness now and have learned to trust again. X[/quote]
I have thank you , in a way I suppose it was easier , no assets and a short marriage ,but we did have a child. It was DV that ended it in the end - he was a real catch 🙄
Hope it all works out for you.