I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Oh god I think my DH fell into the drama llama category unfortunately hmm It was an emotional affair which only turned physical around the time I found out about it - I know that the thrill of the secret work romance swiftly wore off once he moved in with her .
I agree with the PP re. Learning from the experience- I actually feel like I’ve grown up in the last year , I’m much more cynical about love sadly but I feel I have a greater understanding of humanity !

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman Yes, I agree with this, although my learning has been to accept that love isn't always enough. I will love that man until the day I die but I can't be with him. I can't let him treat me that way and lose more and more of myself.
H also split with the younger work colleague a while after I found out about his affair. The rose tinted glasses obviously clouded over when he realised she was just another person.

20 years married, a religious and moralistic man and he imploded the whole damn thing in a year with another woman and my best friend.

I was rock solid he wouldn’t, until he did.

I don’t know how you stayed, I forgave mine because living with anger is bitter for me, but I’d never ever be with him again because once the trust is gone and the scales of fallen people are kidding themselves they can ever have that back.

@Livandme

Anyone is capable of cheating. Given the "right" circumstances.

This.

Human beings are remarkably gifted at self-justification and rationalising. People's morality tends to shift given the right wrong set of circumstances.

Of course a lot of people truly believe their partners would never cheat, otherwise it'd be bloody uncomfortable to live with.

I don't think everyone cheats or anything, but you never really know what another person is capable of.

I also know men who have cheated on their wives, who would swear blind their husband would never cheat on them.

I don’t trust my partner 100% - I would have done but found some conversations with a work colleague that looked like they could potentially tip over into an EA. It didn’t look like he was actively encouraging her put lots of ego stroking by her. I spoke to him about it and he reassured me that he had warned her off and that he wouldn’t risk our marriage. There is nothing to make me suspicious but it has changed hugely how I feel about him. I wonder if I hadn’t had said anything if things would have developedor if he still messages but deletes them and it’s eating me up. I hate feeling like this - he is completely unaware what this has done to me. I imagine if I told him he would think I am hugely over reacting but this is following the death of my dad last year - another man I trusted 100% so feel the loss of trust in him doubly...

@Notquitesureaboutthis
I had the same situation, got together at 14, married at 21, he left when we were 36. It totally blindsided me, I would never in a million years have thought he'd do that to me, he seemed to idolise me as I did him. I literally never thought he would do that.......until he did.

I always cringe now when I see people posting that their husbands would never cheat, because rhe cynic in me always thinks 'you'll learn' not in a nasty way, more in a sympathetic way. I don't for a minute think that they will all get cheated on, but it has taken the edge off my belief that you can ever blindly trust. Sometimes I am sad that the ability to blindly trust has been taken away.forevwr, bit other times I think I am capable of trusting whilst at the same time keeping my wits about me and being aware that absolutely anyone is capable of this (including myself, I can say now I'd never do that, and I like to believe that's the case).

My experience has however done a lot of damage to my ability to trust and I have had to seek help before I ruin my current relationship.

Another one here with the ‘least likely to cheat’ husband

In November, he cut a 20+ year friendship after finding out the man had cheated on his wife, because he was horrified.

Then his brother took his own life in the April, and in July he started an affair with the in-house counsellor from his work, after a month of sessions with her.

Not only was I 100% confident he would never cheat, I had spent god knows how many years on here as a firm believer in LTB for any kind of infidelity.

And here I am, 3 years on still together.

If nothing else, it has taught me to never assume you know anything until you’re going through it..!

I trust DH to do the right thing. I don't believe he's infallible though. Humans make mistakes, they act badly at times and do stupid things. DH is, as far as I know, not the cheating type (he's never once cheated, even in previous unhappy relationships) but people always have the capacity to suprise us.

More importantly though, I trust myself; to cope if the worst did happen, to walk away if he did something unforgivable or forgive if I felt I could. Beyond that I'm not going to worry about it. I'll do what I can to keep our relationship healthy and loving, but if he chooses to risk it by doing something shit, that's his lookout...

My ex was an all around twat (cheating, abusive etc). Took me a long time to leave, but I did and I now know that I can start over and make an even better life for myself. It's given me the power to trust DH - even if he breaks my heart, as I know I'll get through it and do right by me.

At the end of the day that's all you can do. Trust that other people will treat you right, but if they don't, trust that you're strong enough to walk away when it's in your best interest...

Then his brother took his own life in the April, and in July he started an affair with the in-house counsellor from his work, after a month of sessions with her.

This is why I think it's impossible to trust 100%, people can change when hit by grief, big life events etc

I thought that about my DH, 25 years, 3 kids. Lovely, loyal, sensible family man. Never doubted his loyalty. Not once.

Not long before my H left (for OW it later transpired) I had an encounter with a customer who burst into tears. She was with her 2 young children and explained that her H had just left her. And I thought how awful, this would never happen to me, thank goodness I’ll never have that problem. Shortly after, it did. It is what blindsided means.

The human brain tries to reason and explain everything and I’m sure many people on the outside of my marriage must think that either I saw it coming in some way or there were problems in the marriage that caused him to have an affair and leave.

This is why I think it's impossible to trust 100%, people can change when hit by grief, big life events etc

My ex husband said he'd changed when he saw a man collapse and he was first on the scene. He gave him CPR until the ambulance arrived, with a few of his colleagues but the man died. He was young, with baby seats in his car.

I don't buy that this is why he went on to have an affair as surely that should have made him come home and hug us tighter, but I do think it's impossible to know what events are going to happen in someone's life and how that will effect them and their actions.

I posted on the other thread about this - I will never trust anyone 100% after being the OW for a 'man who would never, ever cheat'. Which is my own fault I know.

It fell into category 4 above of the drama lama type. Slow burn emotional affair which became physical then lasted a year before culminating in a big 'I can't do it to my kids' ending.

And to the pp saying their DH doesn't have time. You find time. We would meet up for walks at 6am when he 'went for a run', he'd call me from the supermarket, he'd 'go to work' and actually just come to mine having taken the day off.

He wasn't secretive with his phone as he deleted everything, he was known for being open and honest and moral, it was easy for her to trust him as his dad had cheated on his mum and ripped the family apart, so everyone knew he would never ever cheat. Still happened though.

Anyone saying they trust their partner 100% is just wishful thinking. Do they honestly think that all the ones who cheat go around with a flashing sign on their head or a tattoo saying “untrustworthy”? How many times do we see on here that “he’s the last person I would have expected to cheat, he always said he despised cheating as his dad cheated on his mum” etc

I’ve got to be honest I’d be more suspicious of someone who constantly talked about how much they hate cheats.

And like Headisgone, I do think even trusting yourself 100% is optimistic. I’m sure all cheats paint themselves as the good guy in their narrative and have an ‘excuse’ for why they did it - sorry not you personally Headisgone, just in general.

I read a book called The Chimp Paradox which talks about the different parts of the brain and how they function and his take on it was that people are able to compartmentalise because it’s a different part of the brain that’s cheating - your chimp wants to get its basic needs met, so all the logical ‘human’ reasoning goes out the window when the chimp is in charge. I guess it’s a bit like thinking with your penis/vagina instead of your brain but with a bit more science

I agree with those posters who say you can never 100% trust anyone.

I read that once a person cheats statistics show that nearly half go on to cheat again. Yes cheating is the fault of the cheater entirely. The problem comes because inside they are trying to fill a void with cheating. It is in their make up - unless they deal with and resolve that void it can easily surface again and they will be drawn to cheating again.

Sorry but I think you're just takung advantage of your audience here, hence why you moved the thread to a forum where the majority of the posts are about relationship issues and infidelity.
I can 100% say that I would never have an affair. As a child I witnessed the devastation of my mum doing so, and still living with the neglect, emotional issues and psychological damage that did to me as a child, lost my brother when he was 23 and the mess his head was in for the 10 years prior. There is no way in hell that I would ever have an affair. And if my experiences and priorities are as such, it means other peoples can be as well. I didn't stay with my ex for the kids or because I was more financially secure etc etc. It wasn't working, I wasn't happy and so we split up.

Not everyone has or will have affairs

I feel envy for those who still believe that their partner would never cheat. I felt like that, would have trusted him with my life.

To go back to those days when this fog didn't fill your head.

I married my, now ex, dh because I thought he was one of the 'good guys' I thought he'd never cheat. Guess what, he did. I was destroyed and it has had an affect on my future relationships. I trust my new dh completely, but, I'd never trust blindly again, I do now understand that anyone could cheat.

@baileys6904

My ex husband experienced similar growing up re his parents and so did a man I know who has cheated on his wife. In fact they both promised each other when they got married that they would never do as their parents did and have an affair. I guess we all make that promise though when we get married though.
Of course there are men and women who will never cheat, my God I hope so, but trusting your partner 100% doesn't mean they will be one of them. You trust until you have reason not to. At least that's what I did.

I don't think where this post is is all that relevant, other than there are more people who would have been on the other thread previously saying that their OH would never cheat, then they did (me included) and some of the 'no way' posters will also be in this position in the future because statistics dictate it so. It's sad but it's true.

@LivBa

Wow some people on here are saying they can cheat on someone they claim to love (i.e lie to, deceive and hideously betray this "loved" partner, risk their relationship/family breaking apart, and have intimacy with another person behind the same "loved" person's back!!)

If this is how they "love" someone, dread to think what they'd do to someone they hate!

I think they have a different definition of love to me. I would never betray someone I love.

Sorry @Imnotbent! I owe you an apology for crossed wires in that post. I got you and @LivBa mixed up in the quote/ reply exchange you had upthread. I should have been replying to LivBa not you. You were of the same opinion as me. My bad! 🙈

Baileys6904. I agree with you to an extent. After experiencing the pain of infidelity I can categorically say I would not cheat and imagine others are similar.
When I look back on my own relationship, I can see it was unhealthy with plenty of red flags, although the self declared ‘I would not cheat individual’ still floored me when he did, i was prepared for other things, but not that.
I do think that people who cheat are generally emotional cowards, if your partner cannot have an upfront conversation about their emotions and needs , then to some extent that is a predictor of someone likely to cheat.
I do not believe that anyone can given the ‘right’ circumstances, it’s a nonsense way to justify shitty behaviour, or a way of someone protecting their own ego to save looking at themselves to see what has truly gone wrong in a relationship.
Lastly, I certainly don’t think you can love someone and hurt them at the same time. I was told by my ex at the time he did this it because ‘he loved me ‘ ? years later he still comes at me with, I will always love you etc.. he didn’t and never will. The relationship was unhealthy and replicated dysfunctional relationships from childhood, that we both experienced as love, but it was never love.

Not everyone has or will have affairs

I agree but that doesn't mean I trust anyone 100%

@Milliepossum neither could I. But some people can.
Otherwise there’s no explanation outside of staying for the kids/ financial security as to why some people who cheat are terrified on discovery of losing their partners and devastated at what they have done. If you no longer love the person, no longer want them, why continue to keep the affair secret? Why would you want to stay in such an allegedly crap relationship after discovery? It should be a relief and an opportunity to leave.Especially with more of your life behind you than ahead of you. But most don’t. It was actually the last thing they wanted to happen. Some have no children or grown up children who have left home, they have full financial security, yet still dump the OW like a hot brick to stay with their wives when they don’t need to at all. Because they love them. They might believe at the time that they do not feel the same way about them, but on being forced to look at what their life would be without them, they realise they love them very much. It’s paradoxical but it can happen. I’m not suggesting for a minute that having an affair is loving behaviour, it’s the worst thing you can do to someone you love. It doesn’t come under my definition of love, either. But how many people have never, ever hurt someone they love? Do kids on drugs who steal from their parents in desperation not still love their mums?
In certain circumstances some people will take the ego boost offered if they think it will never come to light and the woman they love will never get hurt. In their warped selfish quest for fulfilment of some kind, they decide that it will stay hidden and no harm done.
I wish life was as simple as you see it, I too thought it was until my husband cheated. Men who love you don’t cheat. That was my unshakeable belief. I also thought if he ever did, he couldn’t possibly love me any more and I would LTB without a backward glance.
He did cheat, he did and does indeed love me, and I’ve given him one last chance. When it happened to me it was nowhere near as cut and dried as I thought. Life and love is way more complex than that.

Milliepossum Sometimes people are prioritising their own need to fill a void and are therefore incapable of loving their spouse at that time.

I do recall feeling utterly angry when my h said he never stopped loving me despite his infidelities. I can categorically say that when I was unfaithful, I absolute did not love him (I still do not). I acted out of fear, hopelessness, feelings of rejection and a great need to be desired by another man. I was completely focused on my own need and felt justified too having gone through so much pain. As far as I was concerned, he had already broken the vows so there was no need for me to uphold them.

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@Milliepossum neither could I. But some people can.
Otherwise there’s no explanation outside of staying for the kids/ financial security as to why some people who cheat are terrified on discovery of losing their partners and devastated at what they have done. If you no longer love the person, no longer want them, why continue to keep the affair secret? Why would you want to stay in such an allegedly crap relationship after discovery? It should be a relief and an opportunity to leave.Especially with more of your life behind you than ahead of you. But most don’t. It was actually the last thing they wanted to happen. Some have no children or grown up children who have left home, they have full financial security, yet still dump the OW like a hot brick to stay with their wives when they don’t need to at all. Because they love them. They might believe at the time that they do not feel the same way about them, but on being forced to look at what their life would be without them, they realise they love them very much. It’s paradoxical but it can happen. I’m not suggesting for a minute that having an affair is loving behaviour, it’s the worst thing you can do to someone you love. It doesn’t come under my definition of love, either. But how many people have never, ever hurt someone they love? Do kids on drugs who steal from their parents in desperation not still love their mums?
In certain circumstances some people will take the ego boost offered if they think it will never come to light and the woman they love will never get hurt. In their warped selfish quest for fulfilment of some kind, they decide that it will stay hidden and no harm done.
I wish life was as simple as you see it, I too thought it was until my husband cheated. Men who love you don’t cheat. That was my unshakeable belief. I also thought if he ever did, he couldn’t possibly love me any more and I would LTB without a backward glance.
He did cheat, he did and does indeed love me, and I’ve given him one last chance. When it happened to me it was nowhere near as cut and dried as I thought. Life and love is way more complex than that.[/quote]
Because it’s familiar territory. The relationship is mirroring childhood wounds that feel like love.
You have an established set of friends and family and Starting over is hard work.
Divorce is expensive.