I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

@Nocar because I was selfish, I didn’t try hard enough, I’m not proud.

@myomy it took years to get over the guilt, my ex turned nasty and I allowed him to treat me terribly because of the guilt I felt and thought I deserved it. I had a breakdown about 3 years later.

@feeficken yes I stayed with the AP we have been married over 20 years. The grass wasn’t greener, but I didn’t expect it to be. I’ve just had a different life.

From my experience I feel that there are some people who will always be ‘on the sniff’ so to speak, however a whole load of the ‘I couldn’t believe it’ category often fall into affairs at a point in life when other things are going wrong or life becomes very Groundhog Day and for many of these people I do think it’s about the ‘emotional high’- that feeling of ‘newness’ . I had a short affair in my first marriage (am disgusted with myself now ) and it was definitely the emotional high and the feeling of being ‘wanted’ (I felt like a skivvy in my marriage ) — my second husband had what I would classify as an ‘ emotional infatuation’ for a while with a young person who helped out in our business and in his case he said it was a crush where he got over involved, a distraction when a lot of things were going wrong in our business and his mum was terminally ill— he was incredibly upset that I found out about this (as it was 10 years after it all went on). I do think it’s perfectly possible to love your partner , yet still do stupidly hurtful things- life isn’t black and white sadly- lots of shades of grey. I do care still - but I no
Longer blindly trust .

@Singlenotsingle

The problem is that people change, the situation changes, people take their eye off the ball and take the other person for granted. No more hugs, kisses, cuddles, "I love you's". The other person doesn't feel loved any more and is vulnerable to any attractive person who pays them attention.

Is it the fault of the cheated partner for not paying them enough attention ? Does the straying partner not have any responsibility for maintaining the relationship, by giving hugs, kisses etc or just communicating their needs, ? I think there are usually issues on both sides for someone to cheat, but I don't like the implication that one person is solely responsible (usually the woman) for not trying hard enough, that your post suggests.

@Imnotbent - thanks for replying.
I'm quite mature and reasonable in my responses to him and we will stay amicable even if our relationship doesn't work out.

The responsibility of this is his and I don't condone what he's done but I know he will beat himself up more than I ever could. I can't not love him after so long together so it's still hard to see him in pain, even if it's self inflicted.

It's just a very sad and difficult time.

Op - I never seen this coming either, not in a million years. I've been with him for 23 years and he was a outstanding man, a gentleman and a really good father (I don't say that lightly).
He never thought he was capable of this either.

Sometimes age changes people, sometimes circumstances change or life changes. Some people will experience affairs some won't. Some marriages can face a difficulties in other areas. Some might be lucky enough to make it through relatively easy.

You just don't know what life holds and no-one can't predict the future.

I trust my DH not to cheat. I just couldn’t see him doing it. He does however have ample opportunity- he works very late most nights, is away most of the weekend (every weekend) on a “hobby” project, with a very like-minded woman we know. I have no issues with any of this and still don’t see him cheating.

If he wants to cheat he will - you can’t stop people doing the things they want to do, in this very short life we’ve been given. If they love you enough not to risk it all, they won’t do it (usually!).

Wow some people on here are saying they can cheat on someone they claim to love (i.e lie to, deceive and hideously betray this "loved" partner, risk their relationship/family breaking apart, and have intimacy with another person behind the same "loved" person's back!!)

If this is how they "love" someone, dread to think what they'd do to someone they hate!

[quote Imnotbent]@LivBa
A cheater never "loves" their partner. It's a contradiction of terms. If you're cheating, you may still fancy your partner, be in lust with them, or have affection for them but not "love"

You’re wrong[/quote]
@Imnotbent
No, I'm not.

I am another facing this situation and like op and pp I would never have expected this. Your stories mirror my own and its a painful, difficult situation to face. Onmy I could have written your post. I am only 6 months on glad to hear some of you have been able to work through things.

Apologies myomy auto correct fail

I dont think its delusional to expect someone not to cheat and to trust them... I mean who gets married thinking they are just going to be cheated on? Of course you put your trust in someone... but sadly you can never truly know the inside of anyone else's head so however slim there is always a chance someone will cheat on you..
Personally I dont think its wrong to make the choice to trust your partner just because theres a slight chance you may end up betrayed.. so yes I dont think my husband will ever cheat on me. I may one day be proved wrong but I'd prefer that to never truly committing to someone because I was afraid or living with constant suspicion.
End of the day I feel like if someone you trusted cheats on you and let's you down then that's their flaw.... not yours for giving them your trust.

In the end, the only person you can know and fully trust to be kind and respectful to you is...you.

I'm not even sure you can trust yourself 100%, I'd like to think I would know how to react in certain circumstances but unless you're in them I'm not sure.

I love my partner deeply & trust him as much as you can trust someone. I don't think he's the type to cheat & reckon he'd more likely cover up debt or gambling etc however you can never rule anything out. Not trusting someone 100% doesn't mean not trusting them.

Anyone is capable of cheating. Given the "right" circumstances.

@Imnotbent I respect your opinion but it is just that, your opinion. You can have no idea how all others feel in all affair situations. In some cases you are no doubt right. But in my opinion, not all. Having an affair is not a loving way to behave towards your partner, absolutely not, but some people actually do love their partner and still have affairs. They love their partner and would never want to leave them, but have an affair to fulfil some other need. Interestingly those I have spoken to who had affairs said the opposite that you suggest. They craved lust and excitement from the affair, not love. Their partner provided that. Some people can compartmentalise their feelings and the two relationships go on side by side with all feelings still there. People really can do shitty things to those they love. Horrible but true.

2 marriages in my friendship group have imploded due to cheating. The first one wasn't a surprise as the husband was just a bit off but the other one was a huge shock. Not even just the cheating but how he's gone from being a very hands on dad to having little interest & fighting over every penny.

Speaking as someone who had been together for a very long time with my husband, I too thought this could never happen.
Although he was capable of being hurtful I never thought I could be hit with 'that' kind of hurt.

Sometimes its a combination of different factors, for us it was buisness differences, illness on both our parts, and too much responsibility for me to mop up financial messes which led to resentment, to name a few.
The marriage was in a bad place, but nothing I thought we couldn't work through as we had done before, throughout the years, but not this time.

I often wonder if he did it for spite or if he was just so encaptivated by her that everything else didn't matter.
It didn't last but neither did my love and respect for him.

All I can say is if you do honestly believe that your partner 100% would not hurt you this way, I hope you are right and will be forever more.

It's a pain like no other and takes an inordinate ammount of strength to overcome whether you stay together or part.

No one ever expects it to happen, whatever age you are or how long you have been together, the first time kills.

I don't think many would get married if they didn't truly believe their dh wouldn't have an affair etc

@Imnotbent Do you regret having the affair and wish you’d stayed with your previous partner?

Hi, you could be me! We are still together but I'm still at that paranoid stage. I trusted him with all my, heart and to find out he had an affair just floored me. I had never been paranoid ever in 25 yrs but now I worry every day that he's messaging her behind my back, because I now know he's capable of lying and capable of cheating. Hopefully this will pass in time otherwise what's the point? He said to me that I'll, probably want to cheat to get revenge but my response was that now I know the immense pain it causes there is no way I could knowingly inflict that on someone.

And to answer your original question, I never ever thought he'd cheat. Ever. It's made me question everything. Did he never cheat before because he'd never had the opportunity? Was I living a lie all these years? Am I just another naive little wife? Questions we all probably ask!!

Nobody can ever be 100%. Nobody can ever know what somebody is capable of doing or what’s around the corner.

A cheater may love the person they are cheating on in some sort of way but the deceit it involves shows a complete lack of respect for the person they are being deceitful to and cowardice.

My DH worked away and had plenty of opportunity. But I said that I couldn't monitor him or live like that. Again never ever thought he would. And then he did. And then when he left that job and came home , guess he missed the buzz and starting on sites. Felt he had already crossed a line .
Shocked out of my mind when I discovered. I did know something was wrong , thought it was depression from some life events. I just did not think he was capable. And we are married over 30 years. Typical MLC scenario.
And yes , I question most of those years now. He has tarnished my memories, devastated me right now and destroyed my future. I can hardly look at him anymore. Will be separating as soon as possible , despite severe financial hardship. He is truly remorseful, says he was on a self destructive path. But any love I had for him died when I became aware that he was not the good decent man I thought I was with.

And just so you know, he had a secret second phone.

@Thewookiemustgo I’m not sure what opinion you refer too? I haven’t spoken for anyone but myself. I wasn’t looking for anything, love, lust or excitement. Someone came in to my life and changed it.

@Whenspringcomes There have been times where I have wondered how my life would have turned out, as I said my marriage was good. My life has been different, better in some ways, worse in others.

I have regrets, the hurt and consequences for me and my family. My AP was single so no direct impact on his side.

@Onthedunes - yep our marriage had been in a bad place for a couple of years but like you I thought we would work through the bad patch . I feel like he was trying to punish me for his life/ career not going as he had hoped, definitely a classic midlife crisis.

@Ladj yep mine said he’s worried I’ll cheat on him to get revenge
I would never do that as you say, I’ve now experienced the fall out once, I wouldn’t be tempted!

@Notquitesureaboutthis I guess it all comes down to life experience. My wife and I had been together since I was 16 and she was and is the only woman I have ever been with. I bought into the idea of childhood sweethearts and soulmates and it never crossed my mind this would happen. We'd have discussions about people that had affairs and we where on the same page that we'd never do that to each other etc so yes I offered blind trust. It bloody hurts and only those that have been through it understand it but it also teaches you that it can and does happen and no one in invulnerable.

This for me too. My husband had an affair after 13 years married, but together on and off since were 16. All our friends were mutual friends from when we we 16, no-one could believe it, we had such a great marriage and life from the outside (from my perspective too but clearly not his).

Like someone else has said, when asked that question I guess most people who have no reason not to trust their partner is going to swear to their death that they would never be cheated on. I probably would have done too. Then it happened.