I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

This puts the fear of God in me!
I feel like I trust my OH with my life. Its so scary how people can change..

To add though, that's not to say that a cheater in a marriage cannot choose to change and start loving their partner. Everyone has free will so everyone has the capacity to change. However the will to change must be there. They also need to truly believe that they have a choice to love their partner and not choose an affair of some kind.

So many people equate "love" to be a feeling, so if the lustful feeling fades, as it often does in long term relationships, they justify bad behaviour by saying they don't feel in love anymore. However no one vows for their feelings to stay the same throughout a marriage. Marital vows (and marital love) are based on choices and actions, which are always under our control.

@LivBa of course you can love someone but cheat on them. When I fell in love I didn’t sign any terms and conditions. When he found out I cheated he wasn’t even mad. Now we both fuck others when we aren’t together - and film it. Then we watch it together and fuck when we are together.
Maybe we are both as messed up as the other... but it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.

It's not your fault you didn't know! It's definitely not your failure.

I'm really happy in my relationship and know I'd never cheat. I have to trust my partner wouldn't. I obviously believe that but you can't be 100% you can't ever know another person's actions. So sorry this happened.

You couldnt see it coming - how could you- you trusted him.

I trusted my exH 100pc but he let me down badly and i could never trust anyone 100pc again (except my mum).

No one can say their DH wouldnt cheat as you cant know what future challenges and pressures you will face.

Be kind to yourself. Its his failing not yours

@LivBa
A cheater never "loves" their partner. It's a contradiction of terms. If you're cheating, you may still fancy your partner, be in lust with them, or have affection for them but not "love"

You’re wrong

My aunt and uncle are classic examples. Childhood sweethearts, married at 21. 2 kids and 25 years later, he has an affair. With a much younger woman from his office. My aunt finds out, she is devastated, he leaves. He moves in with the AP and the whole family find out. The doting father, hard working family man facade is broken.

A year later, he is back in the marital home. He has left the AP and my aunt takes him back. The whole family is instructed to never speak of it. 20 years later, my aunt and uncle are still together. Outwardly OK but my aunt only ever really seems happy when she is with her grandchildren.

I do wonder what would have happened if she hadn't taken him back. What great things life may have had in store for her.

Sometimes there are red flags/signs of an affair and sometimes not. It's not your fault you had no idea. It shows how deceptive he is and you can never trust him again.

[quote Imnotbent]@LivBa
A cheater never "loves" their partner. It's a contradiction of terms. If you're cheating, you may still fancy your partner, be in lust with them, or have affection for them but not "love"

You’re wrong[/quote]
Why would you cause an immense amount of pain to someone you profess to love then ?

No one knows with any certainty what the future holds.

I was married and could not envisage my dh would cheat. I just couldn't comprehend him doing it. He did. Completely out of character. Everyone that knew him was shocked, even his mates from years back.

I now realise I was totally naive. I really truly believed he would never ever do what he did but he did.

I now just nod and agree with people who say this. You can't tell them and if I did I'd be accused of being bitter because of what happened to me.

Imnotbent - I think my husband is like you tbh. He's now in the depths of despair because he did this.
I'm just over the initial shock of it (taken months) but it's a devastating time.
I'm not sure we will make it tbh.
How long did it take you to work through your guilt if you don't mind me asking?
My husband finds it hard to even look me in the eyes because of what he has done to me etc.

I think it is foolish and a bit arrogant to trust someone 100%.People make mistakes,get drunk,are flattered and sometimes get a better offer a chance to be with someone they thought was out of their league .It doesn’t always mean that they don’t love their partners .

Personally I trust my husband and I can’t imagine that he would cheat on me.
He doesn’t go out without me. He does go to work as a teacher, but is always home on time. No drinks after work. He doesn’t drink and he hasn’t got mates who he meets up with. He’s a homebody and to be honest, just like right now, he’s generally in front of me. We’ve been together since we were 16, so that’s 25 years.

He’s always been open with his phone, leaves it about, asks me to answer it or check a message that’s beeped. He leaves for work at 8am, gets home for 4pm and is with me the rest of the time.

I understand that one day things might change. I’d notice for instance if he became possessive over his phone. I’d notice if he started to come home later from work or if he wanted to go out at the weekend.

But in the meantime, the trust I feel for him feels appropriate and fair and makes our relationship enjoyable and safe feeling.

Surely if he does one day cheat, I would be no better off if I’d spent years feeling more suspicious? I’m not going to regret not spending this time feeling more cautious.

I’m enjoying the here and now and after all, it might actually never happen. Right now he’s watching Masterchef with a big tub of vanilla ice cream and a fleecy blanket over him. I just can’t look at him and see a cheat and don’t want to either.

@Imnotbent I would be interested in knowing how things turned out for you, did you stay sure AP or did you realise the grass wasn’t greener. Keep in mind you don’t have to share if you don’t want to

You do not think it can happen to you until it happens. I was an emotional wreck for the best part of two years. I wondered what I lacked and took a huge knock to my self esteem. I realised my h had deep issues that went back years. He had a need for validation from people and took it wherever he could, choosing to cross lines.

Out of despair, hopelessness and revenge, I had a short affair where I had deep feelings for the om. There was no guilt on my part. I never saw myself as someone who would willingly cheat within marriage but have to acknowledge I am capable. I look at myself very differently these days.

The problem is that people change, the situation changes, people take their eye off the ball and take the other person for granted. No more hugs, kisses, cuddles, "I love you's". The other person doesn't feel loved any more and is vulnerable to any attractive person who pays them attention.

@wandawombat

I commented on that thread & said I trust my DH. That's very different to asserting he'd never cheat ever, who knows what can happen....

Same here. I'm as certain as I can be that my dp won't cheat.

I've been cheated on by my 'soul mate' etc I'm not delusional. I do think to an extent though, trust is a choice, because the alternative is exhausting and very damaging to your mental health.

If he fucks me over, then clearly I got it wrong but I choose to trust that he won't.

@Singlenotsingle makes a very good point. It's easy to put a relationship on a back boiler, to stop making an effort, to take a partner for granted. I think men and women who are in loving, supportive relationships don't stray.

singlenotsingle
The ap is not always as or more attractive than the spouse. I think it is more about how the ap makes the unfaithful spouse feel. Affairs are selfish as each person is generally in it for what they can get; ego boost, attention, validation. They are filling a void.

I'm afraid I think infidelity of some sort - if you insist on including kisses, crushes etc as infidelity, which MN seems to - is almost inevitable in long-term relationships.

Actual sex with another person, less so, but still pretty common, including among good people in strong relationships.

I don't know what we do with that information, really. People should have hope that fidelity is possible, and some couples manage it.

To all the people who never think their partners would have an affair-I hope you’re right! I really believe that the vast majority of men would have an affair. I never in a million years thought my dh would cheat and he did. Mutual respect, sex life, happy marriage (or so I thought) - it meant nothing when an older, fatter and unattractive tramp flattered his ego. It’s not a good feeling to think that your husband may have an affair, which is probably why women, including myself, think that their husband would never do that.

I'm not even with somebody but I think I could trust somebody today / tomorrow but hopefully be ok with not knowing how they'd feel a year from now (given that I don't know how I'm going to feel myself) so @TweeterandtheMonkeyman I think it was real respect for twenty years.

@Singlenotsingle sometimes it’s the cheating partner who has done this, not always the betrayed partner. I was and always have been a very affectionate heart on my sleeve person. Even if they don’t feel loved any more for whatever reason, nobody held a gun to their head. It was their choice. ‘Vulnerable’ suggests no personal responsibility. My husband chose to act on the attention he got. He wasn’t preyed on. Too easy to blame either the betrayed partner or the ‘evil’ OW. It’s the cheating partners responsibility.

To add a flip side. I would have bet my entire life savings i would never cheat on my husband. Even this time last year. Even thiugh our relationship is not good and he is abusive i would have bet everything on it. I have just ended an emotional and then physical affair that lasted 5months. My dh does not know, neither does his wife. Maybe anyone is capable. I dont know.

@Faith50 is spot on. My husband did indeed love me, that’s why he stayed. His AP filled a void and his need for validation at the time. His was the classic midlife crisis affair. The excitement of the situation was what he was chasing. She was toast when he thought he would lose me. No longer so amazing in the cold light of reality.