Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"No, I think you're hideous"

268 replies

JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:33

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty Sad

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 22/03/2021 20:36

What was his tone when he said that to you?
It sounds like irony to me. Did you ever ask / challenge him about it?

Thatwentbadly · 22/03/2021 20:37

Sounds like sarcasm to me.

LouiseTrees · 22/03/2021 20:38

I would also say sarcasm/irony based on the clear exaggeration.

stuckinatrap · 22/03/2021 20:39

I would have taken that as a joke. No one is that blunt, are they?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/03/2021 20:39

It sounds like the sort of thing people say when they don't want to have a deep and meaningful conversation, when they feel like they've been put on the spot. An immature avoidance technique.

GoddessKali · 22/03/2021 20:39

I’d presume they were joking and would of slapped them (jokingly) or said ‘says the munter next to me’ or something...... but equally if it was said with seriousness then this is an absolute dick of a man and you deserve so much better!!! Flowers

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:40

His tone? I don't know. Just normal I suppose. Matter of fact.

No, I never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 22/03/2021 20:41

It sounds like he was being sarcastic.

Crosstrainer · 22/03/2021 20:41

Surely that’s a sarcastic comment? If he’s been with you for months then you could reasonably assume he thinks you’re attractive?

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:41

It sounds like the sort of thing people say when they don't want to have a deep and meaningful conversation,

He initiated it. He told me I could ask him anything I wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:43

And I didn't want anything more than a yes or no response. I only asked because I wanted a straightforward yes or no answer.

I wouldn't have pursued it.

OP posts:
LittleLionMan23 · 22/03/2021 20:43

I also would have taken that as sarcasm. He wouldn’t be dating you if he genuinely thought you were repulsive. I’ve had similar said to me and also said the same to partners and close friends as a joke. But then I have a very sarcastic sense of humour and would only say it to someone who would know full well I was joking and not take it seriously.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/03/2021 20:45

This is what happens when you fish for compliments.

I'd think I was an idiot for asking such a ridiculous question.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:45

It just never left me. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for him whenever we were together. I avoided standing next to him if we went out so I didnt make him feel uncomfortable.

I just couldn't work out why he would be with me if he thought that and so I ended it.

OP posts:
RosieGuacamosie · 22/03/2021 20:46

Another one saying sarcasm! If he genuinely didn’t fancy you he’d have said something like “you’re attractive in your own way” or “I suppose”.

Ladylimpet · 22/03/2021 20:47

I would have definitely seen that as dry humour/sarcasm. Especially as nothing was said after?! I mean, he wouldn't have carried on seeing you, or expected you to carry on seeing him? I don't know, it's all a bit strange if he meant it.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:47

This is what happens when you fish for compliments.

I wasnt looking for a compliment.

I suspected that he wasnt attracted to me so I asked him directly. I just wanted an honest yes or no answer.

Initially, I appreciated the honesty. Theres more ro a person than looks but, in the end, it just became negative.

Surely most people would want to know if the person they were dating thought they were attractive?

OP posts:
sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 22/03/2021 20:48

Do you normally take people so literally? It sounds like sarcasm to me too based on the context, although I appreciate that I wasn't there.

Loopyloututu2 · 22/03/2021 20:48

You honestly think he found you hideous but continued to date you for another 3 months?

I’m pretty sure he was being deadpan / ironic.

Paddy1234 · 22/03/2021 20:48

Definitely sarcasm. Without a doubt

DisgruntledPelican · 22/03/2021 20:48

I think they were probably joking.

How did the breakup conversation go? We’re they upset?

Ninkanink · 22/03/2021 20:49

It was sarcasm.

Why would anyone be with you if they didn’t find you attractive...

worried3012 · 22/03/2021 20:49

This definitely sounds like a joke/sarcasm to me and he possibly had no idea you took it literally all this time.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/03/2021 20:50

It's obviously sarcasm, but why are you needy enough to ask the question in the first place? Don't do that.

emsyj37 · 22/03/2021 20:50

Honestly this sounds like your own issue and not a cruel comment. Fishing for compliments is how a PP put it, and I agree. You seem to have an issue with your appearance, but this throwaway sarcastic joke comment isn't the cause of that and you can't blame him for your feelings of inadequacy. Men generally don't waste months dating women they think are hideous. If you feel unattractive then you need to address that and work out how you can change how you feel about yourself because you will struggle to find a man who will be able to give you enough validation to keep that feeling at bay.