"No, I think you're hideous"

[JustAVerySmallVoice]

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

Tbh I wouldn't have asked because I'd assume they were dating me because they thought I was attractive...
Yes people can see past looks but there has to be some sort of attraction surely.

Another one who thinks he was maybe being sarcastic. I'm a very sarcastic person and if someone said that to me I'd reply the same but if you know me you would know it would be joking and very an eye roll moment. I wouldn't expect someone to ask me if I thought they were attractive as I'm romantically involved with you so the answer is pretty obvious IMO.

Pollaidh

Thank you for that.

I tend to avoid relationships because i find everything about them so difficult.

This is such a sad thread. Heartbeaking. You broke up because you thought he meant it, when he was actually implying the opposite.

Do you still feel more for him than as just a friend? And if so do you think you could explain to him and start things up again if he's still interested?

OP it was a joke.

Amongst friends, we are all slim (sizes 4 - 10), at some point we’ve all asked each other “do I look fat in this?”

And often got a response along the lines of,

“Yeah you are GINORMOUS”

Or

“Now you come to mention it, you look like a f*ing elephant.”

It doesn’t mean we think each other fat. It means the opposite. We are all slim and it’s ridiculous to ask “do I look fat?” when we are not.

Also, quite often if someone is insecure it can be draining and in a serious relationship, soul destroying. There can be the feeling - “how much more does this person want me to prove to them that I like them?” and that can result in flippant sarcastic comments like this. I know I got very fed up with a previous partner who was very needy like this, when I realised he was always asking questions and behaving insecurely and I was always reassuring him that I adored him but actually he never said much nice about me in return. So once or twice he might have said “I think I’m really unlovable” and I snapped and said “yeah, course you are!” because I was constantly proving my love for him (whilst never hearing I love you back) and I’d already answered this statement hundreds of times with “don’t be ridiculous. You are wonderful, I adore you and it upsets me to think you’d believe something so awful about yourself. You are incredibly loveable!” His actions were proving his attraction to you. He was probably feeling a bit fed up at being asked a question to which the answer was “of course!”

Really you’d be best to get some support with improving your self image as until you see yourself as attractive you won’t believe it when other people find you attractive.

Honestly, if he asked this question what would you have said in response? Would you response be along the lines of

I'd have just said yes.

When I was first dating my now wife, she asked me if I liked (fancied) her. I replied "no, I absolutely detest you." She knew that my sarcasm actually meant "yes, I like you a lot."

One way you can tell is through exaggerated words, e.g. "hideous", "detest".

Another way is context. He wouldn't have been with you if he thought you were hideous. I wouldn't have been with my wife if I detested her.

The context also involves social norms. It would be so rude to call your girlfriend hideous non-sarcastically that barely anyone would do it.

But of course, asking is also a way to find out. I know it can be awkward to ask for clarification, but it's better than shrinking away for the rest of your relationship.

I might have taken it as a joke, depending on his tone etc.
If he said it in all seriousness, then I would have been really annoyed, though.

It was a silly joke. Of course he didn't find you hideous, he meant the opposite, and you are gorgeous. He thought it was obvious, because the two of you were dating, and nobody dates someone they think is hideous. He expected you to find it really funny.

He had no idea you would think he was telling the literal truth.

The thing is, that many people have never met someone with autism, so they don't understand autism. They don't realise that an autistic person has a brain which interprets things literally.

Does he know why you split up? Does he know you have autism?

Op I think it was a joke

Bad joke but he probably assumed you took it as a joke

Unless he saw your face and could tell that you’re offended but if it was over messaging then it was a bad joke

‘Surely most people would want to know if the person they were dating thought they were attractive?‘

I would assume that if I was dating someone for any length of time that they found me attractive 🤷‍♀️

How do you tell when someone is being sarcastic and when someone is being honest then?

@JustAVerySmallVoice If they're joking they'll say something that's over the top/hyperbole like he did.

Also, you could ask yourself about any negative thing you believe about yourself or others 'what is the likelihood that this is true given the context?' 'What is the evidence that this is true?'

If he was dating you at the time it's likely he wasn't being serious and doesn't think you look like the Elephant Man.

Try to genuinely not really bother about looks (I've only started to genuinely be able to do this a little recently.) The body is just a part of you/vehicle for you really.

If someone is actually derogatory towards you then bin them as a partner or friend. But if you aren't sure then maybe ask them.

It’s a joke/sarcasm 99.9%.

Sandgrown1970

I'm not needy. I never ask if I look ok. I don't need compliments. I never seek reassurance. I just wanted to know because I didn't.

It's like if i cooked for him and asked if he liked it. I wasn't looking to have my cooking skills complimented. I just wanted to know whether to cook it for him again or not.

When a question is asked where the answer is so obvious that the question is pointless, people often use sarcasm.

Here's an example:
Dp and I are sitting on the sofa, watching a film.
I say "do you mind if I go to the loo?"
What I mean is: "pause the film".
Do says (in a super serious deadpan voice) "yes I mind so much"
What he means is: "why on earth would you ask for permission?"
(And then I roll my eyes and he pauses the film).
It's a joke - we have a normal, nice relationship where no-one asks for permission for things like that, so he's light heartedly making fun of the question I asked.

Another example:
Mid lockdown, a friend asks over a zoom catch up: "any plans for your birthday?"
I say "yes, I'm going on a mini break to Paris for the weekend then going clubbing in Manchester when I get back".
She laughs.
Because we're in the middle of a lockdown and we both know that what I've said is clearly impossible.

I think with your ex, that was the kind of joke he was trying to make: That both of you would know that you being hideous to him was so clearly and completely impossible that the very idea was funny. Ie, that you being hideous is as likely as me flying from the UK to Paris next weekend then home again for a big night out.

I’m not autistic but I find the tone of some of the responses here surprising - not particularly kind or understanding. Now I’m middle aged I do believe and agree that it is unlikely that an adult male would spend such a period of time with someone he found genuinely unattractive. However, younger women are very frequently dubious about their attractiveness. It’s not surprising given the obsession with airbrushed perfection on social media. Not to mention the viciousness and nastiness displayed by some men. Additionally, when I have shared stories from my school days when men had said similar things to me ( and looking back I was average to pretty, not the complete dog I believed!) younger (and gorgeous) relatives have confided a multitude of similar derogatory remarks by men about their appearance etc - so it’s not surprising that young women are insecure about their looks. Therefore I’d have hoped that some posters here might have been more understanding, rather than saying that you were being needy in asking the question. In your case, if the man is intelligent and generally decent, it seems vanishingly unlikely that he would be so unkind, therefore he was making a (bad and misjudged) joke.

He was obviously joking 🤨

I think if you find something someone else says outrageous next time just generally ask “are you being sarcastic”? And if they are they will explain themselves and if they’re not they will show their true colours.

I think he definately was being sarcastic unless he had form for being so cruel.

I think generally when something is out of character try to ask for explanations.

I am sorry you took that to heart, the exaggeration indicates it was a flippant kind of joke

He’d probably be mortified to know you’d taken it at face value

It’s difficult sometimes, as I tend to take things at face value until I reflect on it

Sorry it was an upsetting experience for you

To be honest he probably found you the opposite of hideous, its the sort of joke you would only make to someone who you thought was aware they were attractive and so only joking with you. Sorry you took it so literally as it sounds like autism made you missunderstand his humour.

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

This is your problem. Ball bags that have wrecked your self esteem.
What do you find so unattractive about yourself?
You need to find the beauty within yourself and not rely on other people's judgement.

@JustAVerySmallVoice

Sandgrown1970

I'm not needy. I never ask if I look ok. I don't need compliments. I never seek reassurance. I just wanted to know because I didn't.

It's like if i cooked for him and asked if he liked it. I wasn't looking to have my cooking skills complimented. I just wanted to know whether to cook it for him again or not.

I didn’t say you were needy. I said my previous partner was needy. I said it can be draining if a partner is insecure and, please don’t take this as offensive, you do come across as extremely insecure.

You can’t say you never seek reassurance when all this upset is due to the fact that you sought reassurance that you were seen as attractive. You asked him. He had no idea of your intent, he can’t read your mind. It could have very easily come across as seeking a compliment from a place of insecurity. Seeing as he’d been dating you all that time and stayed up talking until 3am, it was a strange question to ask. Men simply do not do that with women they don’t find attractive.

I thought it sounded like he was joking.

If we cook a nice meal and the family clear their plates, whoever cooked might ask others if they enjoyed it and one of us will always say "No, it was disgusting". Which means they enjoyed it a lot.

I'm also finding 5 pages of 'it was a sarcastic joke' a bit surprising.

I would never tell my DH he was hideous (even as a sarcastic joke) and he would never tell me that either. And if he did I would be very hurt.

Confidence boosting compliments never go amiss, even if you're an established couple.

If I told DH he was hideous as a 'joke' he would be very hurt and I'd then anticipate doing a lot of backpedalling to try to undo the damage.

So I think he was cruel, thoughtless and disrespectful.

Ask a silly question and you get a silly answer.

It is really hard to read sarcasm if you are autistic. My son is and cannot understand sarcasm.
I try and get him to ask if someone is being sarcastic if they say something that he doesn't get.
My DH says things like your boyfriend did all the time and DS doesn't get it. DH doesn't get that DS doesn't understand sarcasm so it goes round and round with misunderstandings.
DH often thinks he is being nice or funny but it upsets DS. Did your boyfriend know that you are autistic?