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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"No, I think you're hideous"

268 replies

JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:33

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty Sad

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

OP posts:
RowanAlong · 22/03/2021 21:03

He was dating you! Of course he thought you were attractive otherwise he wouldn’t be! He was being sarcastic because you asked what he considered a silly question.

LifesLittleDeciders · 22/03/2021 21:04

I think your own insecurities and last experiences have played more of a part in this than he has.

It sounds like he was being sarcastic or ironic.
A dry sense of humour if you will.

But I can understand that those words will stick with you no matter what and to be honest, he wouldn’t have known that unless you raised your concerns. Has you raised your concerns he may well have given you reassurance.

I can’t understand why, if someone thought you were in any way unattractive enough to be called hideous, why they would introduce you to their friends and continue to date you after telling you they are not attracted to you.

Unless you kept him chained to your ankle I’d say that this is a massive misunderstanding.

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 21:04

I too read it as him being sarcasm and the meaning behind his words were "if I didn't fancy you and didn't you attractive I wouldn't be in bed with you right now"

Sorry that the misunderstanding ended up hurting you Thanks

Sparklfairy · 22/03/2021 21:04

It's funny the comments that stick with us. I had a spiteful abusive ex who said I had calves bigger than a rugby player (yes cos I did all the walking to meet you you fat lazy cunt) and it stuck with me. In the same sentence he also said i had buck teeth but I've only remembered that when writing this so some comments touch a nerve more than others.

He was rude, or clumsy, neither made you feel good really. I dont think it's good to accept a man's judgement of you on your looks. Mostly as they seem to expect a supermodel but are no Adonis themselves!

lavenderlove · 22/03/2021 21:05

I'm 99% sure it was sarcasm op. A ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question because he obviously finds you attractive if he is your partner. You sound very sensitive and I think he would be upset to find out that you took him seriously if he is a normal person.

Can you usually sense irony / sarcasm?

Loopyloututu2 · 22/03/2021 21:05

Oh OP - bless you - he didn’t mean it honestly - take it from everyone on here Flowers

Stop thinking about this - it’ll drive you mad.

MarshmallowAra · 22/03/2021 21:05

It's like asking someone who you've watched drinking coffee for three months if they like coffee, and them replying "no, I hate it" .... It's so unlikely that someone would drink a drink they hated (or date someone they found unattractive) fir months that it results in mind bogglement and sarcasm.

Vallmo47 · 22/03/2021 21:06

OP, I just want to reach into my phone and give you a massive, awkwardly long hug. 🤗

If your ex knew you were autistic and you’d told him you take everything literally, then it was a cruel thing of him to do and you were right to leave him. But honestly, I am in complete agreement with other posters. He found you attractive, because he was with you. It makes me want to cry that you chose to stand apart from him when out and things like that. That’s just heartbreaking. I’m so sorry your self esteem is that low.

You’re beautiful, I can tell that from words only. Ugly people have ugly personalities. I’m glad you’ve managed to stay friends. He obviously wasn’t all bad if he told you that you looked lovely when not feeling very well. It’s his way of saying he thinks you’re beautiful even when you’re at your worst. It’s a huge compliment actually.

Sending love 💕

LifesLittleDeciders · 22/03/2021 21:06

Ah sorry OP just really sure post wher you’ve said you autistic.

So in that fact I back up my previous post, as well as your own insecurities I think you’re autism has taken his response literally but he was saying it sarcastically. No one is at fault here; you wouldn’t have known any better and tbh neither would he.

Loopyloututu2 · 22/03/2021 21:08

I had a spiteful abusive ex who said I had calves bigger than a rugby player (yes cos I did all the walking to meet you you fat lazy cunt) and it stuck with me. In the same sentence he also said i had buck teeth

What a charmer! And I bet he looked like a god didn’t he? So glad he’s now your ex sparklfairy!

emsyj37 · 22/03/2021 21:08

Behaviour is a much more useful and reliable indicator of feeling than what someone says, though. His behaviour in dating you clearly indicated that he found you attractive. The fact he's still around and spending lots of time with you indicates he still likes you very much.
People don't always say what they mean, but behaviour is pretty telling IMO.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:09

You honestly think he found you hideous but continued to date you for another 3 months?

No. I think 'yes' would have been a lie and "no" would have felt unkind so he exaggerated to avoid answering.

You've mentioned that you are autistic, did you explain to him that you struggle to understand sarcasm and wanted a direct answer?

I did tell him that I dont get hints etc and I need people to be honest and direct. Even if they think I'll be upset by it. It's just important that I know the truth.

I didn't ask him about it because I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I just became very small in the relationship until i ended it.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 22/03/2021 21:09

yes cos I did all the walking to meet you you fat lazy cunt

Grin

Sorry that probably wasn't meant to be funny but i just laugh-wheezed like Muttley.

I always loved well.developed calve muscles on women and wanted them myself (maybe it was watching loads of ballet growing up) and bemoaned not being able to get sort of low well developed calve muscles.

BehindMyEyes · 22/03/2021 21:13

@JustAVerySmallVoice

This is what happens when you fish for compliments.

I wasnt looking for a compliment.

I suspected that he wasnt attracted to me so I asked him directly. I just wanted an honest yes or no answer.

Initially, I appreciated the honesty. Theres more ro a person than looks but, in the end, it just became negative.

Surely most people would want to know if the person they were dating thought they were attractive?

Surely most people would want to know if the person they were dating thought they were attractive?

No - most people assume that they person they are dating does find them attractive .

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:14

But you didn't just want a yes or no answer he said no and it upset you so much, you dumped him. You wanted a yes.

No would have been ok. He's entitled to his opinion. I might have ended it anyway. But I wasn't expecting "hideous". I didnt know how to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:16

if you remain friends, why not bring it up now and ask him to explain better?

I don't want to risk hearing anything else.

It doesn't matter anymore. We're just friends.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 22/03/2021 21:16

Some people can be so deadpan when they're sarcastic that it would seem genuine to some. I can imagine some men saying this as a silly response to what they see as something they would have thought of as obvious - that they're there because they find you attractive.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/03/2021 21:16

OP he meant the opposite. He shouldn't have used sarcasm if he knew you were autistic.

PattyPan · 22/03/2021 21:17

It will have been sarcasm. Take it as a given from now on that if someone is willing to date with you then they think you're attractive and you don't need to check Smile

AramintaLee · 22/03/2021 21:20

Hi OP. He was being sarcastic. It's because you asked him a question where the answer really goes without saying. If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't have been dating you. He was highlighting how silly the question is.

Really unfortunate that you took it so literally and have been so down on yourself.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 22/03/2021 21:20

I think 'yes' would have been a lie and "no" would have felt unkind so he exaggerated to avoid answering.

No would have been ok. He's entitled to his opinion.

So if he had said no you would have believed him because it reinforced the negative image you have of yourself.

But if he had said yes you would have dismissed it as a lie because you needed his response to align with the negative image you have of yourself.

Nothing he could have said would have made you feel better about yourself.

This aspect is you hurting yourself.

ign0re · 22/03/2021 21:21

I’m sorry lovely, I think this definitely sounds like sarcasm. Nobody would say that seriously to someone they are dating. Hope you’re ok. Very easily happens with autism... my sisters autistic and because she understands so much we often forget she doesn’t get sarcasm so can totally see where your coming from. You won’t be hideous, he would have been teasing you because nobody dates someone they think is hideous. Xx

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:21

Are you still, after all these explanations, not able to accept that it was a sarcastic joke?

Why are you afraid of risking hearing anything else? It was sarcasm. He wouldn’t want to be your friend (or formerly your boyfriend) if he didn’t think positively about you.

oldshoeuk · 22/03/2021 21:23

When he said "You can ask me anything" he had a short list of questions in his head, you were supposed to ask one of those.

No way you could have known that, but he didn't see that question coming so went with the sarcastic comment. I'm sorry it went the way it did, now it's time to move on.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:24

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

I think 'yes' would have been a lie and "no" would have felt unkind so he exaggerated to avoid answering.

No would have been ok. He's entitled to his opinion.

So if he had said no you would have believed him because it reinforced the negative image you have of yourself.

But if he had said yes you would have dismissed it as a lie because you needed his response to align with the negative image you have of yourself.

Nothing he could have said would have made you feel better about yourself.

This aspect is you hurting yourself.

I'd have believed him and just accepted it as the truth, whatever he said.

That's all. I don't play games.

OP posts: