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Original poster

"No, I think you're hideous"

268 replies

JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:33

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty Sad

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

OP posts:
TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 22/03/2021 21:27

I was going to ask whether you might be on the spectrum, and I see you are. I am sorry this is a tough one to interpret correctly at the time. And to get over. Nobody would ever say that to someone if they meant it. Ever. I think he meant "What a silly sausage you are, you must already know the answer and don't need to ask me. We are having a 3 am heart to heart, and I wouldn't be talking to you if I wasn't attracted to you." But most people don't get how autistic people see the world. I am sorry it upset you so much. It is definitely a misunderstanding.

partyatthepalace · 22/03/2021 21:28

He was obviously joking OP, no one dates someone for months if they think they are hideous.

I think you really need to work on your self esteem (and TBH your understanding of social queues) - could you afford some counselling - if so have a look for a therapist with experience of clients with autism.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:28

Are you still, after all these explanations, not able to accept that it was a sarcastic joke?

I haven't not accepted it. It seems like an odd thing to do but if you are all saying it's what people do then there is a part of me that needs to just accept that.

How do you tell when someone is being sarcastic and when someone is being honest then?

OP posts:
gottakeeponmovin · 22/03/2021 21:28

It was a stupid question - he wouldn't be with you if he didn't like you - so he gave you a stupid sarcastic answer

BibbityBobbety · 22/03/2021 21:30

That's a tongue in cheek bit of sarcasm surely? That's how I would read it.

Is he normally sarcastic, do you understand each other's sense of humour?

Why do you think he was serious?

dany174 · 22/03/2021 21:33

It was 3am in the morning so probable tired and not think all too straight. You asked him, what he thought was a ridicules question (Because obviously he finds you attractive, why else would he be dating you). So he gave a sarcastic answer (the opposite what he meant.)

Now with your autism this was probable not the best thing to do but it was 3am and he slipped up.

So accept that he though you were attractive in fact he though you were so bloody gorgeous it was a ridicules thing even have to ask. He had an awkward way of saying it but that was what he meant.

NotMyPremium · 22/03/2021 21:33

I'm on the spectrum too OP and I immediately read that as blatant sarcasm and I'm not always good at picking up on that either.

Please understand that if someone is dating you, then it's a given that they are attracted to and like you.

BibbityBobbety · 22/03/2021 21:35

Oh just seen you're autistic, which explains why you didn't understand it.

However, I'm not sure a forum of strangers can help you understand/decipher sarcasm OP. This is something you'll need to work out on your own or communicate to partners just how literally you take things. If they're not on the spectrum they wouldn't dream you've taken this seriously.

It might also be an idea to date people who do have the same sense of humour and communicate in as literal a way as you so it's an easier life.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:36

How do you tell when someone is being sarcastic and when someone is being honest then?

Body language, tone, the immediate conversation before and after, probability, what is/isn’t socially acceptable.

I understand for someone autistic this could all be harder to read.

It’s a very very common turn of phrase.

So if I was him, I’d be thinking “I’ve been dating her for months, I’m here having a heartfelt conversation at 3am in the morning and she asks me if I think she’s attractive?! Why the fuck does she think I’m here?!”

“no I think you’re hideous” really, in this context meant “duh, don’t be stupid. Of course I think you are attractive, why else would I be here?!”

I know you don’t think you were fishing for compliments but often asking a question like “do you think I’m attractive?” IS viewed as fishing for compliments. And sometimes leads to a sarky response.

imalmostthere · 22/03/2021 21:37

That's very clear sarcasm. Obviously he thought you were attractive or he wouldn't have been with you

blackrimmedspecs · 22/03/2021 21:40

The men you date don't sound very nice, if someone puts you down don't be with them , you deserve love and respect.

rattlemehearties · 22/03/2021 21:40

How do you tell when someone is being sarcastic and when someone is being honest then?

You politely ask for clarification. eg. "Bearing in mind I'm autistic and take things literally, please can you clarify whether what you just said is true?" or similar.

Vierty · 22/03/2021 21:42

It sounds like he was being sarcastic. My DP says things like that when I’m having an insecure moment as well as telling me I’m very annoying. I know he’s being sarcastic and it’s in jest. I hope so anyway as he seems to want to spend an awful lot of time in my annoying and hideous company!

Pollaidh · 22/03/2021 21:43

100% sarcasm. He was joking. Depending on the person it might even be considered flirtatious (misguidedly).

How do you tell?
That's a really tricky question. Some people are so deadpan when they say something that unless you know them well, you can't always tell. But I don't think this was particularly outlandish sarcasm - so if you missed this it's possible you're misinterpreting other jokes too.

Signs -

  • A very (too) flat delivery, so the tone of voice stays quite low and flat.
  • Or alternatively completely over the top delivery.
  • What the person is saying just doesn't seem to fit well with what you know about them.
  • If what the person is saying is the exact opposite of what you expect.
  • Body language. Hard to specify what exactly, maybe a raised eyebrow?
  • Exact word choice, starting with "oh yeah, you're...." would be a hint.
  • Sarcasm is often exaggerated. So if he'd perhaps thought you weren't the prettiest, but he found you attractive anyway, he might have said, more honestly, 'well I don't think you're classically good looking, but I find you attractive/quirky or whatever'. The fact he used an extreme word like hideous is a sign it was a joke. If you asked about a dinner you'd just made, and he replied "disgusting, couldn't finish" whilst gobbling it up, that would indicate sarcasm. If he said "no, it was fine/not my favourite but thanks for cooking" then perhaps he really didn't like it.
  • Sarcasm is often a reflexive answer to an obvious question.
  • Context.
  • More likely to come from a friend than a stranger (because a stranger can't evaluate all the context and determine if it's sarcasm). But, if you find it hard to read sarcasm you might want to explain that to your friends if they use it. A good friend or romantic partner won't continue if they know you won't get the joke and might be hurt.

(Obviously there will be occasions when a person could be just a really awful person, so it's best to look at them and their usual behaviour as a whole. If they're often saying unpleasant things (and don't stop when you ask), then they're probably not very nice. But I don't think this is the case here.)

Erkrie · 22/03/2021 21:43

Why would he be dating you if he thought you were hideous? Clearly he didn't really think that.

Changemaname1 · 22/03/2021 21:43

Surely this was sarcasm ?!?!

This is fully the type of thing I’d say sarcastically if someone was fishing for a compliment like “ no I think your gross that’s why we are dating “ sort of thing

wishywashywoowoo70 · 22/03/2021 21:43

I also think he was being sarcastic. No one who's a half decent human being would say such a thing. If he's still your friend I'm guessing he's a nice enough person.

You're definitely not hideous.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 21:46

I know you don’t think you were fishing for compliments but often asking a question like “do you think I’m attractive?” IS viewed as fishing for compliments. And sometimes leads to a sarky response.

Ok. I can see that now. But to me it's just a question. I wasnt looking to be complimented! I just wanted to know because I didn't.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 22/03/2021 21:48

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

You're having a heart to heart at 3am. Of course he thinks you're attractive.

You need to sort out your self esteem young lady.

Sparkletastic · 22/03/2021 21:48

Are you hideous OP? I very much doubt it. You should know this about yourself and that's how you could have recognised it as flippancy or sarcasm.

RedToothBrush · 22/03/2021 21:49

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why the fuck would you feel the need to ask this question if you'd been dating for 3 or 4 months?

Honestly, if he asked this question what would you have said in response? Would you response be along the lines of

"Haha Why are you being daft! Why the fuck would I waste 3 months of my life dating you if I thought you were a donkey? Isn't it obvious I find you attractive".

And by saying
"Oh I think you are hideous" he's done the same in a dead pan sarcastic way because the question was so ridicilous in the first place.

I'm not quite sure you were looking for in the response. "Oh my darling, you are the most beautiful creature alive. My eyes can not take myself off you with your shimmering loveliness"?

Which if you have low esteem you wouldn't have believed for a second anyway, and probably would have come across as completely insincere. And he might have felt exposed and vulnerable by coming across too strongly.

Honestly its the answer I'd expect 3 month into a relationship from someone who really liked me. Its comfortable and easy and obviously ridicilous to the vast majority of people who would recognise it as affectionately sarcastic.

Sobeyondthehills · 22/03/2021 21:49

OP have you posted this type of thing before?

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 21:49

The thing is, sarcasm is honesty. But the honesty is in the intended meaning behind the spoken / written words. The speaker implies something, through sarcasm, that they anticipate the listener will infer.

Whenthesunshines · 22/03/2021 21:50

I’d think it was his way of lightening the mood. A joke.

SquishySquirmy · 22/03/2021 21:55

I can think of only 3 reasons:
A) sarcasm, he doesn't think you're hideous and had no idea that you wouldn't get the joke!
B) He doesnt think you're hideous but was "negging" you
C) he meant it.

99% sure it was A.
If it was b, then he's a horrible person and you're well rid.
If it was C then he's a very strange person - who dates someone they are not attracted too? It's super weird.

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