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Original poster

"No, I think you're hideous"

268 replies

JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:33

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty Sad

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 22/03/2021 22:32

Please don't let this affect your confidence OP. It was a total misunderstanding and really not something you should dwell on. You're focusing on something that isn't real. He might have said the word hideous but he didn't really say you were hideous.

I can understand it's difficult to take someone else's word for it but please accept it was sarcasm and that he was with you because he wanted to be in a relationship with you.

heckwarrior · 22/03/2021 22:39

Seriously @chillied?

*I would never tell my DH he was hideous (even as a sarcastic joke) and he would never tell me that either. And if he did I would be very hurt. Confidence boosting compliments never go amiss, even if you're an established couple."

Never a fib or josh about anything unless it boosted your partner?

GloGirl · 22/03/2021 22:40

@Ninkanink

I thought that might be the case (autism).

If a man is dating you, he finds you attractive. You don’t need to ask him, you can just take it as a given.

Completely agree. I 100% believe he was being sarcastic and I haven't even seen a picture of you. Context is everything.
Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 22:49

Did your boyfriend know that you are autistic?

He did but he doesnt have much experience of autistic people. I think he sometimes forgot or didnt realise it was there all the time. If that makes sense.

I often get told I don't 'look' or 'sound' autistic which makes me wary of talking to people about it because they don't get it.

OP posts:
me4real · 22/03/2021 22:50

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated

@JustAVerySmallVoice I don't think this is the case for 'hideous' guy, but one of the rules I have for dating in future is not to put up with stuff like this.

If a bloke has a go at/subtly negs your appearance, it's a sign they're not that into you and don't respect you, in my experience.

Obviously if someone's partner is super-morbidly obese to an extent that it could be a risk to their health, it can be reasonable for a partner to mention it, but otherwise not really.

A bloke would only diss your appearance if he thought he could get away with it and you wouldn't dump him, or he doesn't care if he doesn't see you again. It's a massive red flag.

Bin someone if they disrespect you or make you feel worse about yourself/less confident. xx

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 22:51

But surely he didn't mean that seriously? If he truly thought you were hideous, he wouldn't be seeing you, would he? And if he loved you even though he thought you were hideous, he'd want to protect you and he'd say something nice.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 22:53

Oh sorry, I didn't see your post saying you are autistic. I think he was saying that in a jokey way and you took him literally. I'm so sorry it's hurt you.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 22:53

This is really hard tbh.

I can see what you are all saying but the words were still said so they are in my head.

He would have to completely override them now for me ro be able to replace them and I'm not going to ask him about it and that would venture into reassurance/compliment territory and I'm not comfortable with that. So I don't think I'll ever have a definitive answer.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 22/03/2021 22:57

in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

I'd think you kept on about it and were praise-seeking so he gave you an (albeit sarcastic) deadpan answer.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/03/2021 22:57

The thing is, you wouldn’t have asked if he’d ever given you a compliment. Had he ever said anything positive about how you look? Because I think it’s a reasonable question to ask if you’ve been dating someone who had never told you they think you’re attractive or given you any compliments at all.

Embra · 22/03/2021 22:58

I think it’s more about you or not understanding a tone or having very poor confidence. I mean, many people will will not find attractive some particular person but no one will actually say you are hideous or alike without fear being punched in the nose. Unless it’s very obvious a joke. Perhaps you can be more open about you being autistic. I tell people I don’t understand jokes from the beginning.

Esse321 · 22/03/2021 22:59

My goodness, this whole thread has decided your BF response was sarcastic without actually being there - wow.

So OP, I am going to make this simple and ignore the other responses,
where it comes to boyfriend adoring you, if it isn't a fuck yes from him then its a hell no from you.

PinotPony · 22/03/2021 22:59

It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that you think you may have misinterpreted something he said because of your autism. And that you backed away from him because you were upset about it. You don't have to specifically ask him to clarify or reassure you but, by being honest about what happened from your point of view, you give him the opportunity to explain if you have indeed misunderstood.

I'd bet my house he was being sarcastic and had no idea that you were / are upset by his comment.

apalledandshocked · 22/03/2021 23:01

@JustAVerySmallVoice

Sandgrown1970

I'm not needy. I never ask if I look ok. I don't need compliments. I never seek reassurance. I just wanted to know because I didn't.

It's like if i cooked for him and asked if he liked it. I wasn't looking to have my cooking skills complimented. I just wanted to know whether to cook it for him again or not.

Ah, see I have said when asked if I enjoyed the meal I cooked, something along the lines of "No, it was horrible, thats why I ate it all and asked for seconds". The exagerated tone is meant to imply that I mean the opposite. There is maybe also an element of gentle ribbing that the person should know I enjoyed it from the obvious fact I ate so much. Its the sort of thing I say to people I know well and who I share a sense of humour with, but to be honest its also the sort of thing people would say when I was a waitress (people would complain for real to, but if people answer "how was your meal" with "disgusting" and a big smile and a clean plate they mean the opposite). There is nothing wrong with not getting sarcasm/dry humour by the way. I tone down my dry sense of humour around people from other countries because the British definately do it more than a lot of places (NT or otherwise). But, because so many people do use sarcasm in the UK I think you need to tell people "I am not good at sarcasm" or ask them directly if they are being sarcasic.
Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 23:01

me4real

Thank you. I normally do.

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 22/03/2021 23:04

Look, it has been my experience that no man who thinks a woman is "hideous" will date her for 3-4 months (openly), and introduce her to his friends. It has also been my experience that people, in general, tend to be a bit put off by what they may consider "fishing for a compliment," which your comment could be construed as being.

I'd bet my last dollar that he was being sarcastic. After all, the very best sarcasm is delivered in a very even tone of voice.

apalledandshocked · 22/03/2021 23:06

@JustAVerySmallVoice

me4real

Thank you. I normally do.

Yes, I do agree with the general principle of not putting up with that negging shit/someone making you feel unnatractive. I just dont think that the particular response he gave in the situation he described falls into that category. To use the cooking analogy - if someone complained about a meal I had spent a long time making, or if every time I cooked they had a little put down ready I would feel perfectly justified in never cooing for them again. But if, when I asked if they liked it, they said "no it was hideous" I would laugh and assume they were sarcastic (if they then clarified that no, they meant it, I would be cross though)
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 23:07

@JustAVerySmallVoice

This is really hard tbh.

I can see what you are all saying but the words were still said so they are in my head.

He would have to completely override them now for me ro be able to replace them and I'm not going to ask him about it and that would venture into reassurance/compliment territory and I'm not comfortable with that. So I don't think I'll ever have a definitive answer.

It doesn’t need to be black and white though.

This aside, would you still be interested in a relationship with him? Do you still have feelings or an attraction to him?

If so, there’s nothing wrong with casually dropping into a conversation;

“It’s a shame what happened with us, as I really did like you. I felt ashamed and embarrassed when I asked you if you thought I was attractive and you replied that you thought I was hideous. Since then, a few people pointed out that you may have been being sarcastic and might not have meant it literally. Because of my autism, I can’t always tell what is a joke and what is meant literally.”

Chances are he will be utterly horrified that you thought he genuinely meant you were hideous.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 23:08

I'd think you kept on about it and were praise-seeking so he gave you an (albeit sarcastic) deadpan answer.

I asked him once. And it was the only time I made any reference to anything of that nature I didn't even ask him how I looked before a night out. I didn't tell him if i went to the hairdressers and I didn't expect him to notice. Nothing.

I'm not needy and I dont seeek reassurance. I asked him because I didnt know and didnt want to waste my time.

OP posts:
Gumandbass · 22/03/2021 23:09

It's just like when someone is clearing your plate that you've practically licked clean. They ask how was the food? &.you reply 'it was disgusting!.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 23:11

Had he ever said anything positive about how you look

He told me I looked nice a couple of times if I'd made a particular effort but no, he didn't. Which is why I didn't know and why I asked.

OP posts:
Raaaaaaarr · 22/03/2021 23:12

When someone says that in answer to a question it is a joke. He didn't mean that you are hideous at all. He was being sarcastic and joking about. Is there any chance you could repair things with him as it sounds like he was very into you and attracted to you.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 23:14

I'm not needy and I dont seeek reassurance. I asked him because I didnt know and didnt want to waste my time.

Asking “do you think I’m attractive?” IS seeking reassurance and, when you are asking a man who is clearly making effort to stay up into the wee small hours talking to you and is in a relationship with you for months, it’s very easy to see asking that man to tell you he finds you attractive as needy behaviour. Maybe that’s not how you see it but it’s how he might see it. And he was probably thinking he was wasting HIS time making all that effort when you were still seeking reassurance that he found you attractive.

Sparklfairy · 22/03/2021 23:14

@Loopyloututu2 and @MarshmallowAra yes he was nasty but it was years ago now and I just think he's rather pathetic. Hes still single Grin @MarshmallowAra interesting to know that ballet dancer calves are desirable! And no @Loopyloututu2 he was no stunner himself (hence the fat lazy cunt part Grin )

OP I really feel for you. People keep saying 'it was a joke or sarcasm' but theres also a saying... behind every jest is an element of truth. It would shake my confidence and I think you were right to dump him. You should build people up, not tear them down, autistic or not, sarcastic or not. Its not your fault for how you interpreted it. He was wrong for saying it.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 23:23

It's just like when someone is clearing your plate that you've practically licked clean. They ask how was the food? &.you reply 'it was disgusting!

Thats the point though. I wouldnt do that. Why would i tell someone who had gone to a lot of effort that the food was disgusting if it wasn't?

This aside, would you still be interested in a relationship with him? Do you still have feelings or an attraction to him?

I don't know. Probably not. Indo still have feelings for him but, at the moment, I couldnt get past this and then I think it would just happen again.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that you think you may have misinterpreted something he said because of your autism. And that you backed away from him because you were upset about it. You don't have to specifically ask him to clarify or reassure you but, by being honest about what happened from your point of view, you give him the opportunity to explain if you have indeed misunderstood.

I couldn't do that because I don't really want to bring it up with him now.

OP posts:
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