"No, I think you're hideous"

[JustAVerySmallVoice]

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

most neurotypical people would immediately respond with praise even if they disliked the food because they would appreciate the effort you had gone to in making the dish

I find this to be one of the most confusing things about NT people! If I ask a question its because I want/need an honest response. I'm not looking for a compliment or flattery. Its because i want to know the answer!

I think you owe it to him to tell him that even after all this time he passed, you have trouble unravelling some confusion in your relationship and that you would like to chat about what went wrong. Then remind him of exactly what happened and how it led to you eventually dumping him. At least then you can both clear the air and he can probably get closure - he is probably totally in the dark about how the person he thought so highly of dumped him. I think you’d both feel better for talking about it.

Yes, I think you're right. I don't know when I'll get chance to do that but i think i have to for my own peace of mind as much as anything.

The entire thread saddens me, and this most of all. A very few posters have said things that seem to reinforce to you what you've been thinking. Remember why you started the thread to begin with, which was to help you understand what he meant by his comment.
Please listen to the majority of us, the ones telling you it was simply a sarcastic remark meant to be funny. He was saying the opposite of what he meant, which was "What do you mean? Of course you're attractive." You took it literally, unfortunately. He had no way of knowing you didn't understand what he meant by it, as you said he didn't yet know you were autistic at the time.
He actually sounds like a really nice guy who liked you a lot, enough to ask to stay friends even after you broke up with him. He deserves to know more about why you ended things and you deserve peace from the ruminating thoughts. It seems to me that you've both been hurt by a misunderstanding which could be cleared up in 5 minutes or less. It obviously still bothers you and probably him as well. Bringing it up will feel scary, but it's the only way to find clarity in this situation .

Have there been any other occasions when you were unclear on what he really meant? Or times that he didn't quite get what you were saying? If so, why not bring one of these up and let him know that you aren't sure of what he was saying.

I think you have a policy of "say what you mean, and mean what you say."
You should tell him that.
Use the " pretty" comment as an example of this. And I hope you give him and your relationship another chance .

you

Sorry, I evidently didn't use the quote option correctly. What makes me the saddest about your thread is his reaction to the way you broke up. He seemed choked up, and asked if you could remain friends. This breaks my heart a little, no lie.

I hope OP gives it another chance too and that she takes on board what the majority of us have said.

You are putting a lot of emphasis on “honesty” and “truth” without seeming to understand that these aren’t necessarily black and white concepts that only have one definite “real” answer.

Eg, on attractiveness - it may be if you lined up 10 women and a stranger judged them on attractiveness, you might be towards the bottom of that list. But another stranger might put you towards the top. Both of those are honest and true, as the judges see it. Add your personality, character, empathy into the mix, and add the judge’s personality, character and empathy, and the judge being not a stranger but someone who knows you well, you might get a whole set of different answers, all of which are honest and true.

If someone showed me pictures of ten men including my bf, and asked me to put them in order of attractiveness, I would presume they meant conventional attractiveness, and my bf might well come last! But I don't give a shit about the other nine men. And I do find my bf attractive.

My bf might well come to me feeling a bit knackered and peaky, and I might catch a glimpse of his shapely calves and honestly say how sexy he looks. He wouldn't think I was taunting him for being ugly, as he knows I am not a nasty bitch. If I compliment him, he usually says something like "Yeah, but you're biased" and I say "Yes, I am!"

Re: getting back together

I'm seeing a lot of posters here asking you to look at the relationship only as far as it affects you, and not considering if you can actually meet this man's needs re: honesty and communication. If you decide to reconcile, you need to be sure that you are secure and confident enough to communicate with him, and not punish him by withdrawing or breaking up because you feel unable to. You too have a responsibility to him, to not hurt him because you feel hurt by a miscommunication. You also need to have a plan between you of how things will be different in future to avoid this happening again. Otherwise this man is just going to end up dumped and confused again. He doesn't deserve that. You can't expect him to make all the compromises, have you considered what you can do on your end to give him security this won't happen again?

Until you feel confident and secure of your own ability to communicate with or understand people different to you in a relationship, you risk hurting others. I do think you'd benefit from talking to someone about some of the issues this relationship has raised for you, before you jump back in.

I think you are also forgetting he was being honest - his comment was designed to be so unbelievable or unlikely that the opposite must be true.

Truth and being literal and giving a yes or no answer are not the same thing. He didnt give you a literal answer that doesnt mean he didnt give you a truthful one.

Asking someone how they liked your cooking and they say its lovely you cooked for them is honest and true just not the answer you wanted

Sorry only read op posts - but when you broke up saying that the reason was you felt he didn’t find you attractive, did he not correct your belief at that point?

Only two options:

1. He was joking (common among NT people to give a response which is known to be a joke because it's so obviously untrue - often used in response to a "silly question" in which the answer is obvious)
2. He's a really horrible man

The reason I say it's a "silly question" is that people don't normally date someone they don't find attractive.

It sounds to me like you actually think you are hideous because this comment has not left you.

Why do you think this about yourself??

OBVIOUSLY a joke. Bloody hell OP. Sounds like you have some real insecurities to work through. Sounds like they might be ruining things for you.

@ShipOfTheseus

You are putting a lot of emphasis on “honesty” and “truth” without seeming to understand that these aren’t necessarily black and white concepts that only have one definite “real” answer.

Eg, on attractiveness - it may be if you lined up 10 women and a stranger judged them on attractiveness, you might be towards the bottom of that list. But another stranger might put you towards the top. Both of those are honest and true, as the judges see it. Add your personality, character, empathy into the mix, and add the judge’s personality, character and empathy, and the judge being not a stranger but someone who knows you well, you might get a whole set of different answers, all of which are honest and true.

I asked him if he thought I was attractive.

Not if i was objectively attractive.

@Lovedove

Sorry only read op posts - but when you broke up saying that the reason was you felt he didn’t find you attractive, did he not correct your belief at that point?

No.

@BibbityBobbety

Re: getting back together

I'm seeing a lot of posters here asking you to look at the relationship only as far as it affects you, and not considering if you can actually meet this man's needs re: honesty and communication. If you decide to reconcile, you need to be sure that you are secure and confident enough to communicate with him, and not punish him by withdrawing or breaking up because you feel unable to. You too have a responsibility to him, to not hurt him because you feel hurt by a miscommunication. You also need to have a plan between you of how things will be different in future to avoid this happening again. Otherwise this man is just going to end up dumped and confused again. He doesn't deserve that. You can't expect him to make all the compromises, have you considered what you can do on your end to give him security this won't happen again?

Until you feel confident and secure of your own ability to communicate with or understand people different to you in a relationship, you risk hurting others. I do think you'd benefit from talking to someone about some of the issues this relationship has raised for you, before you jump back in.

There's little chance of us getting back together. I've already told him i find relationships too hard.

Lovedove
And because he didn't i assumed his initial comment must have been fairly close to the truth.

Or he simply didnt know what you were talking about because he had given zero headspace to the jokey comment he had made that day and couldnt remember it at all.

But this all comes down to I think a lack of self esteem on your part about how you look that has sent you down this spiral not him at all