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Original poster

"No, I think you're hideous"

268 replies

JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:33

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty Sad

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

OP posts:
sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 22/03/2021 20:51

Surely most people would want to know if the person they were dating thought they were attractive?

I think most people would take it as a given.

TheScurrilousFunge · 22/03/2021 20:51

I think you misread it. And I think that's on you. You clearly aren't hideous. He clearly wanted to make you feel better when you felt like rubbish. I think it's a shame you psyched yourself out of this relationship, but I also think it might be time to improve your self esteem. Otherwise, I'm not sure you'll be able to deal with any future flippancy or sarcasm or kindness, frankly, in a relationship.

Doona · 22/03/2021 20:52

It was a joke. Men don't spend time with women if they're not attracted to them. Unless there's another reason, such as you're paying him per hour (another joke! I don't think you're paying him!)

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 20:53

OP you haven't responded to the vast majority of posters saying that he was being sarcastic.

No one begins a relationship with someone they find hideous - so I'm finding it difficult to understand the tenor of your thread.

UltimateBlends · 22/03/2021 20:55

Sarcasm, you misread it, unless he was cruel in other ways.

However, you both clearly didn't communicate well or clearly with each other, which only spell disaster down the road, so you're likely better off separated.

However, you've taken this one comment far too much to heart, you are who you are, and beautiful and unique in your own way, the fact that this throw away comment, you asked for, with someone who was clearly interested and found you attractive- say more about your state of mind and how you view yourself than anyone else -i would try and work on your own self esteem issues in this situation.

You do not need validation.

Hope this hasn't come across harsh, it's not intended to do so.

Original poster
JustAVerySmallVoice · 22/03/2021 20:56

How did the breakup conversation go? We’re they upset?

I don't know if he was upset. He asked if we could still be friends and i agreed. We're actually pretty good friends now and spend a lot of time together.

Do you normally take people so literally?

Yes. I'm autistic. Which was why I asked him. I really did just want a yes or no response. Just so i knew. I can't read people very well. I only have what they say to go on.

You honestly think he found you hideous but continued to date you for another 3 months?

That's what confused me.

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 22/03/2021 20:57

You have taken a flippant, sarcastic comment literally. It was in response to the sort of question a teenager would ask. You sound like hard work if this is your normal M.O.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 20:57

Anytime someone has said this or anything similar to me it’s been a sarcastic joke.

No one would tell a person they find hideous that they think they are hideous unless they were a total psychopath. It’s a standard “don’t be an idiot, of course I find you attractive” answer.

It’s similar to “is the Pope a Catholic?” Delivered dead pan.

If you’d rather accept someone genuinely thinks you are hideous and would openly tell you they think that than the very obvious solution which is it’s sarcasm then you genuinely need to work on your self esteem. It’s a joke, nothing more.

TroysMammy · 22/03/2021 20:58

I'd say it was a joke. If my DP asks me if I'm enjoying dinner he's made I say "no it's fucking disgusting" as I'm wolfing it down and licking the plate.

Ninkanink · 22/03/2021 20:58

I thought that might be the case (autism).

If a man is dating you, he finds you attractive. You don’t need to ask him, you can just take it as a given.

Doona · 22/03/2021 20:58

Oh sorry, missed the part where you said you ended it.

Next time, maybe consider saying how you feel and giving him a chance to explain. Men have their own logic sometimes

SplendidSuns1000 · 22/03/2021 20:58

OP I genuinely think you misread his tone, and that he'd intended it to be a sarcastic comment. I don't think anyone would be upfront enough to say what he said seriously, and then continue to date you.

I think his hideous comment was sarcasm and his comment that you looked pretty when ill was just a way to make you feel better. I know when I'm ill and looking like a scarecrow, DH always compliments me in an attempt to make me feel less crap.

Sunshinemummy7 · 22/03/2021 20:58

It’s sarcasm

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:00

Ok, if you are autistic that explains why you’ve taken it wrongly.

It’s not meant to be taken literally. It’s a common turn of phrase which is meant as a joke.

It’s probably a good idea to let him know that you take things very literally so he can be a bit more sensitive and know that dry humour is probably not a good idea with you.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 22/03/2021 21:00

Ok, well I'm pretty confident it was sarcasm.

It is the kind of thing people say in response to your question in order to communicate that they think the question doesn't need to be asked (or answered) because it is so obvious that the answer is "yes, of course I find you attractive" .

Goleor · 22/03/2021 21:00

You've mentioned that you are autistic, did you explain to him that you struggle to understand sarcasm and wanted a direct answer? I'm on the spectrum too and usually if I'm unsure if someone if being sarcastic I ask.

MarshmallowAra · 22/03/2021 21:00

Most people, but especially male people, would think their girlfriend, whom they have been seeing/dating for three or more months, asking them if they think they are attractive was ridiculous (why would they get into a relationship and see you for months if they didnt think so).

As a result a sarcastic reply would be quite understandable, and that v much sounds like what he gave you.

Doona · 22/03/2021 21:01

I think, tell him. He obviously still likes you or he wouldn't have stayed friends.

Jellykat · 22/03/2021 21:01

He was joking, he wouldn't have been with you if he actually thought that.
Why did you feel the need to ask? sounds like you have low self esteem that needs working on OP.. because if i was with someone who told me i was 'hideous', they could bugger right off. I certainly wouldnt feel ashamed or embarrassed for them when we were out Confused

Badfootkk · 22/03/2021 21:01

But you didn't just want a yes or no answer he said no and it upset you so much, you dumped him. You wanted a yes.

MarshmallowAra · 22/03/2021 21:01

It is the kind of thing people say in response to your question in order to communicate that they think the question doesn't need to be asked (or answered) because it is so obvious

Exactly.

aurynne · 22/03/2021 21:01

I'm autistic too, but that is the kind of joke I would make/appreciate.

OP, it was clearly a joke which means "of course you're bloody attractive, why do you need to ask"?

He finds you so attractive that he thought your question was a joke, so he answered accordingly.

Please stop stressing and feel proud of yourself :)

Livpool · 22/03/2021 21:01

Surely he was being sarcastic

folloyourarro · 22/03/2021 21:01

OP I would bet my house he was being sarcastic.

UltimateBlends · 22/03/2021 21:02

I missed the part you said you are autistic, honestly I believe he didn't mean it and you've latched on as gospel because he said so.

Please try not to waste anymore time on this merry go round of negative thoughts, the fact you've remained friends speaks volumes, and continued to date after the comment was said.

All you needed was a little bit more communication and perspective, if you remain friends, why not bring it up now and ask him to explain better?

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