Single women statistically happier - how/why?

[flowersrain]

I am interested to know your thoughts on this. I have read a few times that single women are happier than those who are coupled up/married. As a single woman whose friends are all in relationships, this simply just does not ring true for me. All my friends who are in relationships have coped better with the lockdown than I have and it seems that society is build for two - even when you go shopping in the supermarket, a lot of food is packaged for 2/4 - it is very hard to find single portions. And of course the 'single tax' eg a hotel room costs more for a single person than a couple.

I have been single since October 2020 and, whilst I understand the importance of being happy on your own, it has been a very lonely time with no one to share the vicissitudes of life and, and particularly lockdown, with. It's all very well doing acts of self care, eating what I want when I want, doing what I want when I want etc but without someone to share it with it feels a bit hollow.

I simply can't understand how single women can be happier than those who are coupled up/married - no one on your team, having to do everything yourself, no one to share experiences with, not being a priority for anyone etc.

Do you think these statistics about single women being happier are true, and if so, how/why? I am 30 (nearly 31) and aware that I may not ever meet 'my person' so I need to be ok with a potential life of singlehood. How can I reach the point where I am as happy, if not happier, than those who are in relationships?

I'm 35 with an 8year old dd and I never want another relationship in my life. I'm totally self sufficient, have a fantastic family and friends and a lovely love, honestly can't see what a relationship would give me apart from sex, everything that a relationship would add for me would come at a cost of something else - just not worth it in my eyes

Lovely life not love!

I wouldn't have been happy without children. But I am happier single than in a bad relationship.

My life now is the best it has ever been - I have my children and share custody. I have a great boyfriend who I see when I want and I have my own time.

But being single after bad relationships but after having kids was great too.

Single without children would have been awful for me.

I'm currently in a 2 year relationship, my first after the end of a 30 year marriage. It's taken this long for me to fully accept that actually I'm happiest single. I thought the problem was my XH, or my current DP, but now I think it's just me.

Growing up I never dreamed of being married etc and I kind of just went along with it all. Now I realise that actually I've always been someone who just likes independence more than anything else.

I have adult DC, a dog, a home of my own, interesting work and lots of friends. I don't see the point of having a partner now and I don't think I'm very nice to him. For both our sakes I need to be single again!

@flowersrain

Wow I was not expecting so many responses here! I can't begin to reply to each and every one of you but I'd like to say thank you for replying and sharing your experiences and thoughts.

To answer a couple of questions:

• I would like a family which is partly why I'm feeling the pressure

• I do have friends but they are all in relationships and naturally prioritise spending time with their partners so I don't see all that much of them anymore. I saw more of them when I had a bf and we did couples things together. I am trying to make new single friends eg I am on bumble BFF but it's a bit difficult at the moment!

• I have been in a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship before and of course I would never want that again, but I am talking about wanting to find a healthy, mutually respectful relationship and coming to terms with the fact that I may not find it.

The majority of ‘happy singles’ are either: a) People leaving bad relationships (so anything is better than the bad partner) /already have children from sais families b) People with a very active social circle /most friends single/close to family

Nothing compares to the feeling of sharing your life with someone genuinely on your team. And it’s sad that some of us find that person and some of us don’t. But that’s life. Most people are probably comparing singleness to unhappy relationships and deciding the former is better. I know that when I was single I wouldn’t class myself as an ‘unhappy single’ - I had come to terms with the idea of not finding anyone and was very picky when dating but I’d still have much rather had a partner.

I was never happy in a couple. neither was I happy single when I was young.
But now I'm 60 the thought of being in a relationship with some stuck in the mud old fart makes me shudder.
There isn't a man I can be happy with - as soon as they show one ounce of tryng to tell me what to do I'm off. I can't stand it. I like to do what I want when I want, I will not run my life past someone else for their approval.

I split from arsehole exH 4 years ago. Once I was through the trauma, I felt lighter than air and only then could I see just how badly he treated me. I have now met a lovely man. But honestly, as wonderful as he is I can't imagine living with any man ever again. He's made it clear that he's looking for proper co-habitation at some future point so we're just pootling along for now and communicating... but even when I have a mad rush of love for him, which I do as he's awesome, I still can't imagine wanting to live with him! I have a lovely home, my two kids, financial stability, loads of friends and crave time by myself.

Oh the life I had when I was 'happily married' on the outside... a disrespected skivvy much of the time. Never again!!!!

There are certainly benefits to being in a supportive and loving relationship, however meeting someone who you are compatible with, and making the right sacrifices for them without ending up being the one who always makes life's big comprises at the detriment to your own desires, is difficult.

I was married however it didn't last and now I'm single (with two subsequent failed relationships following the divorce). I am now undergoing fertility treatment on my own and hoping the treatment will be successful because I do want children (and a family of my own). For women who do want a family and are in their 30s there's pressure to find a suitable partner to realise these ideals, unless of course you're prepared to go at it alone (although it is expensive and certainly not a guarantee that the treatment will be successful).

I don't have an extensive network of family and friends and being single and childless life is lonely, monotonous and feels hollow, probably due to limited real life interactions.

It's difficult as sometimes I feel I'd really like to share my life with someone and build a life together, but previous failed relationships remind me of the imprisonment I'd experienced and usually not having my needs met (in particular with wanting to start a family). If I'm fortunate enough for the treatment to work, I may be open somewhere down the line to date seriously again, without the pressure of needing to start the family with that person.

I’m actually happily married (to someone great who does more than his share of household stuff and childcare and who is very much in my corner in general), but I have no difficulty at all in thinking of ways in which my life would be better as a (financially ok) single person, purely because it would be tailored solely to me, and I would purely be prioritising myself.

This is very much how I feel. Arguably, not only is my DH great and does a lot, my life IS easier with him in it in that he does do big chunks of the chores etc. And yet, I am absolutely certain that if for some reason he was not in my life any more that I would remain single by choose for the remainder of my life, even with the downsides of that. Being able to prioritise myself, not to compromise etc is something I would massively value, and I say that as someone who lives with an understanding, adaptable, compromising man.

Speaking as a widow, I have to say that although I obviously did not want to be in this position, it is definitely easier living alone. Now I date someone who I see every couple of weekends and speak to most days, but I get to come home, be with my kids, watch whatever box set I want to, and I know financially I feel more secure. I'm not sure if 'happier' is the right word exactly, but I definitely feel more at peace.

@CongealedCrags

1.Living with someone else can be hard - even if you actually like them

1. Quite a lot of men are complete knobheads to live with

This with bells on

@flowersrain

Wow I was not expecting so many responses here! I can't begin to reply to each and every one of you but I'd like to say thank you for replying and sharing your experiences and thoughts.

To answer a couple of questions:

• I would like a family which is partly why I'm feeling the pressure

• I do have friends but they are all in relationships and naturally prioritise spending time with their partners so I don't see all that much of them anymore. I saw more of them when I had a bf and we did couples things together. I am trying to make new single friends eg I am on bumble BFF but it's a bit difficult at the moment!

• I have been in a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship before and of course I would never want that again, but I am talking about wanting to find a healthy, mutually respectful relationship and coming to terms with the fact that I may not find it.

For me, yes, I am most definitely happier than my married peers.

I'm a mother by choice. So no father on the scene to be concerned by.

There are no expectations on me re a partner and more importantly, I don't expect anything, so anything we get Ilis a bonus! For example, with a newborn many women are under the illusion their partner will be amazing. Majority are not and simply add to the new mothers workload. Relationships then fall apart under the stress and what feels like deceit.

We do what we want. Please ourselves. It's amazing. We can be busy by choice. Lazy by choice. Holiday where suits. Totally unstressed. Bliss!

Why would I add a man in to the equation, who's probably looking for a housemaid who provides sex and supports him to some extent financially.

I like this...

@BlingLoving

I’m actually happily married (to someone great who does more than his share of household stuff and childcare and who is very much in my corner in general), but I have no difficulty at all in thinking of ways in which my life would be better as a (financially ok) single person, purely because it would be tailored solely to me, and I would purely be prioritising myself.

This is very much how I feel. Arguably, not only is my DH great and does a lot, my life IS easier with him in it in that he does do big chunks of the chores etc. And yet, I am absolutely certain that if for some reason he was not in my life any more that I would remain single by choose for the remainder of my life, even with the downsides of that. Being able to prioritise myself, not to compromise etc is something I would massively value, and I say that as someone who lives with an understanding, adaptable, compromising man.

Absolutely. I love DH with all my heart, and he adds immeasurably to my life, and we've compromised and adapted to one another's needs, including international moves for one another's work and intermittently supporting one another financially during career changes -- but like you, I would stay single by choice if something removed him from my life, and enjoy a period where I lived exactly as I chose with zero compromises. I suspect I would be fascinated at how different that life would be to the one I'm living now, although I like my life now, too.

I would be happy if it wasn’t for the constant pressure/shaming I get from other people. I’m open to the right relationship and genuine love, but the thought of settling for a shit one horrifies me!

@Ceriane

I would be happy if it wasn’t for the constant pressure/shaming I get from other people. I’m open to the right relationship and genuine love, but the thought of settling for a shit one horrifies me!

It's mad, but it's just an enhanced version of the panic other people evince at someone's different and suspiciously attractive-looking life decisions. I was happily childfree (and unmarried, though cohabiting) until I was 39, and people were falling over themselves to tell me I'd regret not having children, as I went to Berlin for the weekend at the drop of a hat, or moved countries for a job at short notice, or went to the theatre every night for a week because I felt like it.

I can only conclude that my life looked pretty good, and it gave a certain kind of person the sneaking suspicion that I'd made a better, certainly an easier, decision, and they wanted to make sure I wasn't too happy about it.

And once I had my son, the same kind of people were saying I couldn't have an only child, he'd be lonely, it was really selfish, he'd 'grow up weird' etc etc. Again, I suspect, because he fitted in fairly easily into our lives, childcare didn't break the bank etc.

When someone is trying to shame you or pressure you into a course of action they've taken themselves, ask yourself what's in it for them. Or why they need their own life decisions to be shored up by everyone else making the same one.

Honestly, I have my share of hangups, like anyone, but at least mine don't involve thinking everyone should be married because I am, or have one child because I do.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I was never happy in a couple. neither was I happy single when I was young. But now I'm 60 the thought of being in a relationship with some stuck in the mud old fart makes me shudder. There isn't a man I can be happy with - as soon as they show one ounce of tryng to tell me what to do I'm off. I can't stand it. I like to do what I want when I want, I will not run my life past someone else for their approval.

The second paragraph sums it up exactly for me. I have never lived alone and in my 50s,I am getting my ducks in a row to leave my emotionally and financially abusive H.I am sick of running around after another adult. I brought up 2 lovely sons and it’s me time now.

Can do what you like when you like. Don't have to pretend to like sex. Only have to tidy up after myself. No arguments. Only have to cook for me.

I love single life. I wanted it and chose it. Never did relationships just lots of friends and some lovers. Built a great social life. Early 40's now and it's great. I've never wanted kids though so didn't have to tolerate anything to get one. My friends men are all nice enough but man babies/don't do their share/are bad in bed or I just couldn't sleep with for anything.

When I got into my thirties and was still single (admittedly hadn’t made much effort to meet anyone), I decided it was important to become as financially independent as I could in case I did meet someone who had assets etc - I wanted to have my own rather than just moving into someone else’s house. After quite a lot of hard work and some sacrifices, I bought a home and I’m so happy in it that I don’t think I could actually live with someone now! I have plenty of friends and hobbies and honestly don’t feel like anything is missing.

You have been single only since October 2020? You need to be single for a few years & find yourself, it sounds like you are pretty codependent to be viewing the world in this way.

This. I have some friends who have jumped from relationship to relationship. None of them is happy.

I’ve been single for about three, maybe three and a half years now. Fabulous. I’m a single parent as well, still wouldn’t change it. I’m sure some of that is a knee jerk reaction to being in a terrible relationship but honestly, I’m not sure what would entice me to be in a relationship again. I have a lot of close family and friends in my life, I have a good permanent job, a lovely child and a cute cat. I wouldn’t consider living with someone else for a very long time, and I’m not sure what they would bring to my life that would matter more than the peace than I have just now. I know I know, being married happily is lovely, but honestly so is being happily single. I think you need to give yourself more time. Single in a pandemic is also not the same as single in normal life.

@RantyAnty

Marriage is mostly for men.

I'm much happier single than I ever was in a relationship.

When it came down to it, they really didn't offer that much but. They just brought more work, stress, sadness to my life. I always had to make myself smaller and accommodate them.

If I were going to live with someone again, it would be a female friend.

I could've wrote this myself!

I believe this is true. I'm 50 and single although I have two teens, but I am just really looking forward to when they're a little older and I have a bit more freedom. I've my house, my job, a few friends (not millions) but I know exactly how to fill my time, I"m never lonely. I do what I want within reason, I buy what I want within reason. I like it.
I have only had one ltr and it was awful, he was so controlling. Then I had a few attempts to be normal where I tried to get a steady relationship and it was all torture looking back on it. The Happy Ever After for me was giving up!

@Givemeabreak88

PlanDeRaccordement

Exactly, it’s single child free women that are said to be the happiest. Not just single women.

I'm a single parent and I'm definitely happier now than I was in my 20s. I used to worry about ''never meeting anybody'' [ha] and never being a mother.
Ridiculous I know but these seemed like serious issues when I was young and single and childfree. I think it's easier to be completely at peace with being single when you are single.

Although I do acknowledge that the first few years after I left my awful x were very hard.