Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single women statistically happier - how/why?

217 replies

flowersrain · 21/03/2021 16:37

I am interested to know your thoughts on this. I have read a few times that single women are happier than those who are coupled up/married. As a single woman whose friends are all in relationships, this simply just does not ring true for me. All my friends who are in relationships have coped better with the lockdown than I have and it seems that society is build for two - even when you go shopping in the supermarket, a lot of food is packaged for 2/4 - it is very hard to find single portions. And of course the 'single tax' eg a hotel room costs more for a single person than a couple.

I have been single since October 2020 and, whilst I understand the importance of being happy on your own, it has been a very lonely time with no one to share the vicissitudes of life and, and particularly lockdown, with. It's all very well doing acts of self care, eating what I want when I want, doing what I want when I want etc but without someone to share it with it feels a bit hollow.

I simply can't understand how single women can be happier than those who are coupled up/married - no one on your team, having to do everything yourself, no one to share experiences with, not being a priority for anyone etc.

Do you think these statistics about single women being happier are true, and if so, how/why? I am 30 (nearly 31) and aware that I may not ever meet 'my person' so I need to be ok with a potential life of singlehood. How can I reach the point where I am as happy, if not happier, than those who are in relationships?

OP posts:
category12 · 21/03/2021 19:01

@Givemeabreak88

If marriage is mainly for men then why is it mainly women wanting to marry and men not 🤔
Maybe not marriage, but blokes are pretty keen to live with a woman, IME.

They might not fancy marriage because of the financial and legal implications if the relationship doesn't work out, but they seem pretty happy to have a live-in relationship where the woman is picking up the wife role.

category12 · 21/03/2021 19:03

I'm far happier living on my own than with my ex, and I am extremely wary of ever getting into a live-in relationship again. Men just take up so much space!

Givemeabreak88 · 21/03/2021 19:05

Hmm again not in my experience, my ex never wanted to live with me and insisted we kept separate places and most women I know have a man that comes round to stay for a bit but won’t live with them fully, I think that’s usually men that have nowhere to live, what’s that saying about no one falls in love quicker than a man that has nowhere to live, but men that have their own places generally imo aren’t keen to move in, but it’s clear it’s mainly women looking for commitment and men not, or not fussed on it. Then women go on to say how happy they are single well that doesn’t reflect reality really.

Malwithoutbec · 21/03/2021 19:05

I think it's true that that marriage and children are strongly desired when you are young and haven't done it before.

Once you've been through it, with all the ups and downs, and all the stresses it can cause, many people would enjoy being single again. I'm married but I sometimes fantasise with living in flat on my own.

But it's also human nature to desire what we don't have. Once we have it, it's not longer that desirable anymore.

CaribGrackle · 21/03/2021 19:06

Gleefully ignoring the perfect wives with their pressure to have perfect house, hair, nails, skin, botox, fashion and always look beautiful to keep their husband. Literally fuck that! ... I'm a woman but maybe in this woke world I'm more of a man. I'm not smurfette, I'm all the other smurfs

Crikey @Crystal90567 - you've got a low opinion of what it means to be a woman.

category12 · 21/03/2021 19:07

@Givemeabreak88

Hmm again not in my experience, my ex never wanted to live with me and insisted we kept separate places and most women I know have a man that comes round to stay for a bit but won’t live with them fully, I think that’s usually men that have nowhere to live, what’s that saying about no one falls in love quicker than a man that has nowhere to live, but men that have their own places generally imo aren’t keen to move in, but it’s clear it’s mainly women looking for commitment and men not, or not fussed on it. Then women go on to say how happy they are single well that doesn’t reflect reality really.
Oh well, we'll just have to disagree, because my experience is quite the opposite.
AcornAutumn · 21/03/2021 19:09

OP I think you have been very unlucky with the timing

I absolutely love being single and childfree and often it's the only thing that keeps me happy and sane.

Even I debated getting in touch with exes last week.

CaribGrackle · 21/03/2021 19:09

I've never met a man who wasn't totally selfish and didn't keep pushing for more with no consideration for anyone except himself. It's a relief to be rid of them

Let's hope you're raising your DS to be a better man @Mintjulia. It must be tough, surely, having a mum who has such a negative opinion of men.

Torres10 · 21/03/2021 19:10

I think its very different if you want children still. Assuming you get lucky and don't marry a lazy t**t, bringing up kids is generally easier with 2 wages, 2 sets of hands and maybe 2 sets of grandparents too!
I think once past child stage, whether you have them or not, the keenness for being married wanes..primarily because there are less benefits!

BertieBotts · 21/03/2021 19:13

@Givemeabreak88

If marriage is mainly for men then why is it mainly women wanting to marry and men not 🤔
Social conditioning.
Mintjulia · 21/03/2021 19:16

Grin I am really careful about that @caribgrackle because I badly want DS to have a balanced happy childhood, and great relationships in future

But I'd be lying on here if I pretended my experience was any different. I have terrible taste in men

Tangledtresses · 21/03/2021 19:18

I grew up around a Very female centric upbringing, think a very middle class commune full of women I was the first child.... I do have two sons and I'm very happy being single 😀
As you can imagine growing up surrounded by women in the 70,s I had no idea about man babies 😂

I had two children and thought hey I'm looking after you (fully grown man) as well! Well it turns out they don't like women challenging them ha who knew 😬

Both great dads,both now with very placid man pleasers, They are happy

I'm happy

Annabellerina · 21/03/2021 19:20

I'd like to see those figures disaggregated by income. Bringing up children in poverty is very different to bringing up children with a comfortable wage coming in and I suspect a lot of single parents unhappiness is down to poverty rather than not having a partner. I'm a very happily single parent - professional job, no money problems - and have escaped from violence and abuse. Reading the pages on here I'm always so thankful that I don't have to do any of that and that I'm not feeling resentful at being used as a skivvy.

100% agree with this.

category12 · 21/03/2021 19:23

@Annabellerina

I'd like to see those figures disaggregated by income. Bringing up children in poverty is very different to bringing up children with a comfortable wage coming in and I suspect a lot of single parents unhappiness is down to poverty rather than not having a partner. I'm a very happily single parent - professional job, no money problems - and have escaped from violence and abuse. Reading the pages on here I'm always so thankful that I don't have to do any of that and that I'm not feeling resentful at being used as a skivvy.

100% agree with this.

Me too.
nocoolnamesleft · 21/03/2021 19:23

It hasn't been a great year to be single, cooped up on one's own, with little direct human interaction. But I bet it's been an even worse year for people cooped up with the wrong person...

Crimeismymiddlename · 21/03/2021 19:26

The pure joy of everything in my environment being under my control. Yes I would be much better financially, and I find the family sized potions in the shops annoying as well as politicians who bang on about ‘hard working family’s’. But my life is my own. I find it deeply amusing when I get couples-who I know for a fact are deeply unhappy with each other give me the head tilt ‘ah are you on your own again’ at social occasions. A comment from a co-worker has always struck me, she was complaining about being tired-and said that crime is never tried because no man in the house. She has a shit life with a partner who has substance issues, I just felt sorry for her, even though she was being a bitch-because no I am not tried because I don’t have to be a servent for a man baby and the kids as well. I would like a partner and to have support in hard times, but sadly even when I have had a partner in times of need I got no support, I hated my life and was so unhappy because it made me feel worthless.

crinklycarnation · 21/03/2021 19:26

@Opentooffers

Being single is far better than being married to the wrong person. Don't be jealous of family units, you never know how women's lives are going behind closed doors, living with a man does not mean they are happier. I've been living with my son for 13 years, but do have my bubble guy so not lonely in lockdown, best of both worlds as far as I can see - except for being poor, one wage all that time and no child support payments ever.
This. I’m married, most would assume happily. In reality I have no one to talk to and we lead separate lives under the same roof. I live away from family and it has been a very lonely year. From the outside, people would have no idea.
GreenBalaclava · 21/03/2021 19:28

I think lockdown has been really tough for single people OP.

TableNiner · 21/03/2021 19:41

It’s very hard for some people to disconnect what they feel they should be doing with their life (societal pressure, pro-natalism, feeling pitied, missing life ‘milestones’ etc) with what actually happens or what they actually would be happiest with.

superwoman232 · 21/03/2021 19:48

@MyGorramShip I am 31 and divorcing and have a 2 year old. I can't wait for your life. I will never live with a man again.

Puffinhead · 21/03/2021 19:52

I think if I were to leave my DH/he died.... I certainly wouldn’t ever live with another man again. My DM has been with her partner for over 20 years and they’re very happy not living together. She has the perfect setup to me.

TedMullins · 21/03/2021 20:00

If a survey of a group of single women finds that on average they are happier, that just means that collectively, it appears common for them to be happy. Of course individuals within that group can be unhappy, and so much depends on your upbringing, environment, economic status, etc.

I’m 31 and have been single more than I’ve been in relationships. Never married, no kids. My longest relationship has been a year. I’ve now been single for almost 8 years, although I have dated and had some short flings within that time. I’ve got a personality disorder and find it very challenging to form healthy attachments so dating and being in a relationship is a very triggering experience for me. I’ve also had times of abject despair when single, where I’ve felt so defective and broken that I thought I was destined never to be loved.

Having said that, it is absolutely, unequivocally true to say that when I’m single I’m infinitely happier and healthier than when I’m in a relationship or dating. While I do have moments of thinking a positive, healthy relationship would be nice, it would be an added bonus to my life, not a necessity. Being so independent makes me incredibly proud of myself - I’m fairly successful in my career, have great friends (I didn’t always have this, but in adulthood have cultivated some fantastic ones) and it helps many of my friends are also single women in their 30s. It also helps that I’m 95% sure I don’t want children, or even if the 5% of me that may want them became stronger, I know I’m capable of having a satisfying and happy life without them.

Even in the one or two short relationships I’ve had that have been generally happy and supportive, I’ve felt stifled. For me, the more you develop feelings for someone and entwine your lives, the more of your individuality and identity you lose. Decisions can’t be made on the spot for your own benefit, you have to factor in someone else. There’s always a compromise. I feel so much freer and in tune with the very essence of who I am when I can wake up in my own home and decide to do whatever I want at the weekend. If I want to stay in bed all day, I can. If I want to book a spontaneous eurotunnel over to Paris for the night, I can (pre covid obv). Nobody is questioning my friendships or competing for my time. I’m free to discover the true meaning of love and give it to myself - I call it ‘dating myself’, but really it’s treating myself how I’d want a partner to.

If I never meet a partner, I’m genuinely completely fine and at peace with that.

The only caveat is that I’m bisexual, and I find the dynamics very different when dating women, and much more equal, so I’m far more inclined to actively look for a relationship with a woman than I am a man. There’s ways to satisfy my desire for men when it surfaces that don’t include being their wife or girlfriend.

Scummy0mummy · 21/03/2021 20:03

@Littlesthobo84 why can't you watch TV you like? No one should dominate the TV all day or evening. Do you always make lunch? Why can't he make it? My DH normally cooks but I do more child care,I suppose each couple has their own balance/division of labour. What does he do instead of doing the ironing? I hope you aren't doing any of his ironing and then complaining about doing it.

TurnStone · 21/03/2021 20:12

I M E the "worst" thing about being single is, if you want a cuppa, you have to make it yourself ....

I would take that downside over a bad marrriage all day long. I knew I'd met "the one" when living together felt better than living alone.

😄

Babygotblueyes · 21/03/2021 20:13

From what I see, my married male friends all have tons of interests, time to go off and pursue what they are interested in etc. My married female friends are almost all carrying the majority of the mental and emotional load of the family, and usually the majority of the housework/child care/life admin. My single friends have no one to please but themselves. The issue at the moment is that the strategies that seem to sustain single people (seeing friends, getting out and about, travel, etc) are all off limits so it feels harder - this is where having a family of your own and/or a partner comes into its own. I am sure there are people who are only happy in a relationships and who struggle with being single, but many women I know have given up on finding a man who can be reasonable in a relationship.