Single women statistically happier - how/why?

[flowersrain]

I am interested to know your thoughts on this. I have read a few times that single women are happier than those who are coupled up/married. As a single woman whose friends are all in relationships, this simply just does not ring true for me. All my friends who are in relationships have coped better with the lockdown than I have and it seems that society is build for two - even when you go shopping in the supermarket, a lot of food is packaged for 2/4 - it is very hard to find single portions. And of course the 'single tax' eg a hotel room costs more for a single person than a couple.

I have been single since October 2020 and, whilst I understand the importance of being happy on your own, it has been a very lonely time with no one to share the vicissitudes of life and, and particularly lockdown, with. It's all very well doing acts of self care, eating what I want when I want, doing what I want when I want etc but without someone to share it with it feels a bit hollow.

I simply can't understand how single women can be happier than those who are coupled up/married - no one on your team, having to do everything yourself, no one to share experiences with, not being a priority for anyone etc.

Do you think these statistics about single women being happier are true, and if so, how/why? I am 30 (nearly 31) and aware that I may not ever meet 'my person' so I need to be ok with a potential life of singlehood. How can I reach the point where I am as happy, if not happier, than those who are in relationships?

I would give anything to be single again. Have 1 DC and would happily be rid of useless lump of a husband. I'm in senior, well paid job so wouldn't have money worries. I wish everyday I could be brave enough to leave.

If I could do it again, I would 100% never marry again. I love my DC to bits and would be happy never to be in the company of any man ever again.

Scummy0mummy he’s not cooked a single meal or ironed a single item of clothing in nearly 20 years, I don’t think he will start now. Before me, his mum did it all - even when he moved out she came and fetched his washing, did his garden, did his shopping and stocked his fridge and freezer with home cooked meals he could just microwave.

I've had lots of bad and/or boring relationships. A cocaine user, a pathological liar/sociopath who cheated on me and even someone who called me a 'cunt' after he broke up with me because I didn't go crawling back.

I think if you are in a happy relationship, then that's the best, but if all your relationships have been miserable or abusive then being single can be best. I think it can all be good/bad depending on your individual experience and attitude.

These statistics have been around for many years, I've heard about it before.

Cats, not being treated like crap and if you don't have a partner you tend to have better friendships. Also travelling alone is a wonderful experience. And you can fart in bed.

@Wishyouweregone

I would give anything to be single again. Have 1 DC and would happily be rid of useless lump of a husband. I'm in senior, well paid job so wouldn't have money worries. I wish everyday I could be brave enough to leave.

If I could do it again, I would 100% never marry again. I love my DC to bits and would be happy never to be in the company of any man ever again.

You have the courage.

Not RTFT.

loads of men are a pita to live with in the end.

There's a thing about single women being happier/ healthier than women in het couples

And the reverse is true for men

Read the relationships board.

I have one who is a 'good one' but I don't know if I'd get another one if something happened.

I think women are more independent than men. No matter what received wisdom says.

In some countries women are turning away from coupling up with men. Eg Japan. Instead of men stepping up and finding out what women want and making themselves more appealing, many seem to just give up.

Also see incels etc.

I suppose a consequence of women in many countries having more access to jobs, money, freedom etc.

And too many men's response seems to be to essentially throw an almighty strop.

Completely agree with a PP, my MH has definitely improved since I’ve realised I’m actually happier as a single mother to my lovely DD
Spent almost 10 years with a partner who liked to argue over anything and caused me so much frustration, stress and extra work.
Then ended up in a casual relationship for a few years with someone who couldn’t commit and caused me more anxiety and heartache messing with my head.
I’d find it difficult to give up my new independence for anyone again. I’m late 30s. Not sure we should be last on that list, definitely makes a difference to your happiness if you have DC and with a man child too. Suppose it all depends on the man and what they bring to your life (or take away)

TedMullins a very insightful post I could have posted myself...but I'm a lot older than you. I also feel the loss of identity and individuality when in a relationship. Also a loss of freedom, having to compromise more than is comfortable and not being able to be spontaneous but to put brakes on with every idea, every attempt at a new experience, to think about the other person and their needs over and above my own. I feel the pressure and it brings stress.

Sounds selfish I suppose but to be free and unfettered is essential for my mental health [personality disorder, ptsd]. I've done my bit, brought my family up and didn't begrudge a moment of it all. But my exH was financially controlling/abusive, tried to tell me what I should or should not wear, whether or not I could have a holiday with a friend [ I couldn't] alongside living where he wanted, doing his laundry, cooking his meals, chores, enduring his overbearing family etc. etc. etc. All on such a tight budget, you wouldn't believe it. We divorced a long, long time ago.

I am single, live alone, can do what I want, when I want. Also bisexual, relationships with women were easier in that there is more understanding but still restrictive [for me]. Partners always say they know me, they don't, it's their own interpretation of who I am. I find it so frustrating.

But now I am content, extremely independent, at peace and enjoying the life I chose. No relationships ever for me.

As always with this type of statistic there is much more to it than meets the eye. As PPs have said it encompasses women across all ages which will include women who left unhappy relationships for a start. It isn't causation, that is to say it doesn't mean they are necessarily happier because they're single, but single (and as PPs have pointed out specifically single and childfree women) are the happiest in general. There will be many other factors common to this particular group of women than just being single. Since the happiest group is both single and childfree, they probably have more personal freedom, which probably lends itself to feeling happier, but as you can see all these probablies are speculation as is always the case again with these statistics. Nothing is proven.
I myself am single and childfree at the moment (29), I believe I'm currently happier than I would be if I already had children, but if I had the option I would rather be in a happy relationship than single currently. Thay said, as many PPs have also made it clear many relationships are not happy, and I would much rather be single than in one of those. There's always much more to it than meets the eye!

I'm 60 and much happier single.
I'm not a maid of all work to some bloke and have my own home and career, there is nobody to irritate the shit out of me constantly and I have a good social life when we are not in lockdown.
I don't feel relationships are the most important thing in life and I don't need an "other half" to be happy.
My cat makes me happier than any of my partners did.

@leavingtime

TedMullins a very insightful post I could have posted myself...but I'm a lot older than you. I also feel the loss of identity and individuality when in a relationship. Also a loss of freedom, having to compromise more than is comfortable and not being able to be spontaneous but to put brakes on with every idea, every attempt at a new experience, to think about the other person and their needs over and above my own. I feel the pressure and it brings stress.

Sounds selfish I suppose but to be free and unfettered is essential for my mental health [personality disorder, ptsd]. I've done my bit, brought my family up and didn't begrudge a moment of it all. But my exH was financially controlling/abusive, tried to tell me what I should or should not wear, whether or not I could have a holiday with a friend [ I couldn't] alongside living where he wanted, doing his laundry, cooking his meals, chores, enduring his overbearing family etc. etc. etc. All on such a tight budget, you wouldn't believe it. We divorced a long, long time ago.

I am single, live alone, can do what I want, when I want. Also bisexual, relationships with women were easier in that there is more understanding but still restrictive [for me]. Partners always say they know me, they don't, it's their own interpretation of who I am. I find it so frustrating.

But now I am content, extremely independent, at peace and enjoying the life I chose. No relationships ever for me.

Thank you! Yes, that’s exactly it. You’re on my wavelength here. I’ve heard a lot of women say they don’t realise these things until they’re older so I feel lucky in a way that I’ve realised this already although it has taken a lot of therapy! It’s interesting to consider whether I’d rather be in a happy relationship than single.... honestly, at this point in my life, no, I don’t think I would. As happy as it could be, I’d still feel those restrictions and limitations and I’d start to analyse and question them. I analyse and question EVERYTHING, it’s just how I’m wired. When I’m single there’s much less to ruminate over, ergo, my mental health is better.

I'm single & most threads on MN give you a feeling of utter relief that these posters' worlds are so far removed from your reality

I find it really sad that you can't imagine how a single person might be happier than being in a relationship - just any bog standard average relationship - doesn't matter who the spouse is, just as long as you're shacked up you will be happier, right ?

I take it you have never felt trapped, suffocated, put down, or like you are spending your life with the wrong person

I take it you have never looked around at your little apartment & thought "wow all this is mine & nobody can take it away from me"

Also that you've never just indulged in what you want to do without having to worry about what a partner will do/say/think

Do you even know who you are woman or are you waiting for a man to make you whole?

That you actually believe the average married couple have coped well with covid shows how far removed you are from the real world, or even MN posts - countless women have been on here expressing struggles during covid & it's put a pressure cooker on relationships. It's highlighted lazy spouses who don't pull their weight. It has shown that bloke you live with is actually really fucking annoying on a full time basis & now you're dreading retirement years shackled to this loser for life

I legitimately feel sorry for you that there is nothing you can be grateful for for being single & free

But I take it you want kids & don't have any? I myself am childfree so not bogged down by my "biological clock" or needing to settle for someone to give me a human family.

Haven't read the full thread. I'm mid 50s. Lots of exes. Never married.

Have never bought a house with a man. Have moved into their place (one ex), who ended up calling the shots over our day to day lives as it was "his house".

Then had two more long-term exes after that (not at the same time ).

First was an Alpha male type who spent most of his time at my place - I wouldn't go to his as it was a tip. He just ended up taking over my space. Football on TV constantly and trying to tell me what to do. Poor love. He had no idea who he was dealing with.

Second guy was a gentler, quieter type. But gently, subtly, he took over too.

So, it is my experience that men are either overtly or subtly domineering and, often, pretty selfish. They are brought up thinking men are more important than women and deserve to get their needs met first and that we should just accept it.

I have no plans to ever live with a man again ). Two divorced pals of a similar age feel the same. Though my sisters (early 50s) are happily married, one in a long marriage with teenage kids, and the other has just begun Marriage No3, so the rot hasn't set in yet, lol.

So, on balance, I think it's an age thing. Older women have been there, done that. Younger women want kids and, often, marriage. And as women we are socialised from a young age and expected by society to find a man, get married and have children. Fairytales of princesses being rescued by princes, being given dolls as toys, etc. Some, though not all, women feel a failure if they do not "achieve" marriage and children.

So when women say, or think, they are unhappy without a man, I think it's because of their belief system, and society's, that they are a failure if they haven't got a man.

The happiest two women I know are in a sexual relationship with each other.

Oh the worst part of being in a relationship (that isn't a mutually fulfilling one)

Having to negotiate with someone over every single aspect

You can't even rearrange your loungeroom without needing to consult with what the partner thinks

Some people really thrive on being "collaborative" and constantly seek counsel/advice & this doesn't bother them

But having to run things past your partner all the time is really annoying

For 2 people to be in a marriage or serious relationship compromise is of course needed & reasonable. But having to compromise on every single aspect of your life?

Even down to maybe you like those harem pants but he hates them, so you opt not to wear them.

Every day you make little decisions that snuff out your spirit even more for another person - who may not actually even be someone you like anymore, but feel comforted by them being a security blanket

I genuinely look at most relationships & think I wouldn't want to be in that. Of course there are some which seem lovely so am not entirely jaded here!

But the vast majority? Settling, I am fairly certain of it. Out of fear, comfort , cluckiness, security? Who knows...but usually it seems like a combination of those things

A ring on your finger & commitment does not equal happiness.

I take it you've never had anyone pestering you for sex you don't want after they haven't lifted a damn finger to help you all day

This might be of interest, partially related and echoes some of the previous comments:

www.vox.com/the-highlight/2019/11/13/20959863/women-happy-chores-gender-gap

Also what is this about supermarkets are made for couples?

This is some really crazy thinking

Have you never enjoyed eating your leftovers ? Knowing your leftovers will actually be there for you in the fridge & not eaten by someone else?

Being Italian I have zero concept of "cooking for one" & why you would even want to do that.

"Single tax" for a hotel room - What is this nonsense? You get the whole King bed to yourself & choose whatever you want on the hotel TV. God love a nice hotel room. That you feel you are being rorted because the room costs the same seems odd. Would you prefer hotels to have a single bed room? Most people go to hotels with the expectation of experiencing a huge king bed!

Honestly you seem to be seeing things which aren't there & aren't trying to spite you as a single person.

You have been single only since October 2020? You need to be single for a few years & find yourself, it sounds like you are pretty codependent to be viewing the world in this way.

You don't even know all your married friends even having regular or satisfying sex. People tend to not discuss their sexual problems in a marriage so what may seem like your happy friend is not whole. There could be an unhappy dissatisfied husband. Or She could be smiling putting on a front that everything is great. You can't know for sure.

Do you really get zero satisfaction from managing your life yourself?

Do you have no friends or loved ones to chat to?

Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that person automatically prioritises you. You could have a selfish partner who doesn't put your needs first.

@Perlea

As always with this type of statistic there is much more to it than meets the eye. As PPs have said it encompasses women across all ages which will include women who left unhappy relationships for a start. It isn't causation, that is to say it doesn't mean they are necessarily happier because they're single, but single (and as PPs have pointed out specifically single and childfree women) are the happiest in general. There will be many other factors common to this particular group of women than just being single. Since the happiest group is both single and childfree, they probably have more personal freedom, which probably lends itself to feeling happier, but as you can see all these probablies are speculation as is always the case again with these statistics. Nothing is proven. I myself am single and childfree at the moment (29), I believe I'm currently happier than I would be if I already had children, but if I had the option I would rather be in a happy relationship than single currently. Thay said, as many PPs have also made it clear many relationships are not happy, and I would much rather be single than in one of those. There's always much more to it than meets the eye!

As previous PPs pointed out the survey doesn't say single women are the happiest. Far from it.

It says single child-free women are happiest BUT single mothers are the unhappiest.

As anyone with kids will attest, just the fact you have them will mean you'll likely be worrying about them for the rest of your life - even when they're grown up. Child-free women won't have that taking the edge off their happiness. Personally, it's an additional trial I'm more than happy to put up with!

I lived alone for 10 years and would agree that supermarkets are oriented toward more than one person in a household.

I mean it was annoying more than anything.

Not read the post about that just the recent answer!

The thing that really fucked me off was that I couldn't have a water meter in my flat (didn't use much water) so they made money there and then when moved to house with DH etc more water naturally a meter

Wow I was not expecting so many responses here! I can't begin to reply to each and every one of you but I'd like to say thank you for replying and sharing your experiences and thoughts.

To answer a couple of questions:

• I would like a family which is partly why I'm feeling the pressure

• I do have friends but they are all in relationships and naturally prioritise spending time with their partners so I don't see all that much of them anymore. I saw more of them when I had a bf and we did couples things together. I am trying to make new single friends eg I am on bumble BFF but it's a bit difficult at the moment!

• I have been in a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship before and of course I would never want that again, but I am talking about wanting to find a healthy, mutually respectful relationship and coming to terms with the fact that I may not find it.

no one on your team, having to do everything yourself, no one to share experiences with, not being a priority for anyone etc.

This is the sad reality of many relationships, so having this situation without the constant disappointment of someone who’s supposed to be on your team NOT stepping up and being there for you must be better!

I think for anyone who’s ever lived with a man for a period of time, this won’t be surprising news. For those still striving to find the right man, maybe it’s because they didn’t settle for the shitty ones that make your life miserable, so they don’t know just how awful it can be in a rotten relationship.

I think the amount of mental and physical space some men take up when you share a home with them means that you let yourself get lost. Being single means time and energy to focus on your own needs. Unless you’re a single mum, in which case it may well mean focussing all your time and energy on your DCs, but even then, a lot of times single mums get one or two nights a week off when the DC visit dad, whereas when they lived together they would have had no time off.

@flowersrain are you hoping that this thread will help you to feel more contentment at being single?

You seem to be confusing craving a relationship with what sounds like your biological clock wanting children

It sounds like you're feeling discontentment because you want kids & feel the clock ticking, not that you are sad without a relationship as such ? You don't even need to be in a relationship without kids.

If you had to pick - you either get the kid but have to raise it alone, or you get the relationship > which would you pick?

I don't think this is about being single VS being coupled - but rather about being childfree or not.

A PP has pointed out this article specifies it is childfree women who feel the most contentment. So your experience is not going to reflect that of the article, because you want kids.

I don't have the pressures you face so yeah, for me single life is great but my outlook is very different to yours & we want different things out of life. Sorry I didn't read the article to see it was us childfree women which have it the easiest - I appreciate you posting the link to this article as well! I didn't realise we are meant to be the happiest of all :D

(you get a lot of people thinking something is wrong with you or that you must hate children so it's good to know we may be the happiest of all!)

As a singleton I have invested many a listening ear to my attached friends.
Some are loving family time.
Some not so much.

And some non attached friends are lonely
Some like myself know how lucky they are to be independent even if there's a pandemic
💪💪👍🏻

@gutful

I'm single & most threads on MN give you a feeling of utter relief that these posters' worlds are so far removed from your reality

I find it really sad that you can't imagine how a single person might be happier than being in a relationship - just any bog standard average relationship - doesn't matter who the spouse is, just as long as you're shacked up you will be happier, right ?

I take it you have never felt trapped, suffocated, put down, or like you are spending your life with the wrong person

I take it you have never looked around at your little apartment & thought "wow all this is mine & nobody can take it away from me"

Also that you've never just indulged in what you want to do without having to worry about what a partner will do/say/think

Do you even know who you are woman or are you waiting for a man to make you whole?

That you actually believe the average married couple have coped well with covid shows how far removed you are from the real world, or even MN posts - countless women have been on here expressing struggles during covid & it's put a pressure cooker on relationships. It's highlighted lazy spouses who don't pull their weight. It has shown that bloke you live with is actually really fucking annoying on a full time basis & now you're dreading retirement years shackled to this loser for life

I legitimately feel sorry for you that there is nothing you can be grateful for for being single & free

But I take it you want kids & don't have any? I myself am childfree so not bogged down by my "biological clock" or needing to settle for someone to give me a human family.

This. I’m actually happily married (to someone great who does more than his share of household stuff and childcare and who is very much in my corner in general), but I have no difficulty at all in thinking of ways in which my life would be better as a (financially ok) single person, purely because it would be tailored solely to me, and I would purely be prioritising myself.