Single women statistically happier - how/why?

[flowersrain]

I am interested to know your thoughts on this. I have read a few times that single women are happier than those who are coupled up/married. As a single woman whose friends are all in relationships, this simply just does not ring true for me. All my friends who are in relationships have coped better with the lockdown than I have and it seems that society is build for two - even when you go shopping in the supermarket, a lot of food is packaged for 2/4 - it is very hard to find single portions. And of course the 'single tax' eg a hotel room costs more for a single person than a couple.

I have been single since October 2020 and, whilst I understand the importance of being happy on your own, it has been a very lonely time with no one to share the vicissitudes of life and, and particularly lockdown, with. It's all very well doing acts of self care, eating what I want when I want, doing what I want when I want etc but without someone to share it with it feels a bit hollow.

I simply can't understand how single women can be happier than those who are coupled up/married - no one on your team, having to do everything yourself, no one to share experiences with, not being a priority for anyone etc.

Do you think these statistics about single women being happier are true, and if so, how/why? I am 30 (nearly 31) and aware that I may not ever meet 'my person' so I need to be ok with a potential life of singlehood. How can I reach the point where I am as happy, if not happier, than those who are in relationships?

But the vast majority? Settling, I am fairly certain of it. Out of fear, comfort , cluckiness, security? Who knows...but usually it seems like a combination of those things

Oh gutful methinks you doth protest too much!

I was single for years, talking decades here. It is utterly miserable especially when you get older. I accept it’s different if you have kids. Anyone who says otherwise may be a bit like obese people (I’m 3 stone overweight with a BMI of 32 so am obese) saying they are happy in their fat bodies.

I'd say I am happier than many of my partnered friends but I do have dc and don't want more.

@CaribGrackle nope that’s what I see here. Not wanting marriage or babies ! But this seems to be key reasons why someone would “choose” a partner at least here?

@gutful - but if you're basing your view of relationships on what you read on this board then it's going to be skewed because people come here with their problems. Occasionally, someone will start a thread about "lovely husbands" and be castigated for their insensitivity!

I don't doubt that many can lead fulfilling lives without a partner but you seem to struggle to believe that life with a partner can be deeply fulfilling too.

I don't think it's bad to compromise sometimes as long as both sides are doing it. And doing things with someone you love - eating, traveling, walking (all things that I enjoy doing alone) - can be great fun.

@CaribGrackle nope if you read my posts I specifically mentioned my views exclude mutually fulfilling relationships so I wasn’t saying these are the only reasons people “settle” but that it is my belief most people do settle. I think our biological clock requires us to more than men perhaps?

Men like the comforts of having a wife too, it goes both ways.

I think the disadvantages of being single are because of the way society is set up for nuclear families, as you point out in you OP, @flowersrain. And also this idea that you accept, that friends should ‘of courae’ Prioritise their relationships so you’re lonely. I don’t think there should be that inevitability.

I think it would be interesting for some people to take this survey: www.thebondingproject.com. I wonder how many of the happy singletons would come out as happiest with solo bonding.

I’m ‘single’ in the sense that o live on my own, and don’t want to live with a partner. In many ways, I think of my primary relationship being with myself. But I have partners with whom I have meaningful relationships - they’re more than fwb. I’m so much happier this way than when I was trying to shoehorn myself into the marriage and kids expectations.

But you are not, OP. and that’s ok. We can all be different :-)

But you’re still young OP, you may be comparing your singleton life to older ladies who are single having had kids/marriage etc.

Perhaps you haven’t met the right person yet? Being single at your age won’t make you happy if it’s a loving relationship/family that you want. I think lots of those stats are based on single women in a slightly older age bracket who have become single through choice later on in life rather than young women who are wanting to find a loving partner to have children with (or just a loving partner!)

Women quite enjoy their freedom later on after giving years to their families, raising children, running the home etc

@maddiemookins16mum

I was single for years, talking decades here. It is utterly miserable especially when you get older. I accept it’s different if you have kids. Anyone who says otherwise may be a bit like obese people (I’m 3 stone overweight with a BMI of 32 so am obese) saying they are happy in their fat bodies.

Oh for goodness sake. Speak for yourself, please. I’ve been single for decades too, albeit with casual lovers, and it hasn’t been ‘utterly miserable’ or in any way miserable, for that matter. I don’t have kids either. I tell you what would make me utterly miserable- getting married and having kids because society expects me to do so.

Not everyone wants a partner. Are you able to understand that other people have different wants, desires and needs than you and choose different paths for themselves?

I've had various relationships over the years one was my first love, some ok ish, one good, the last one horrificly abusive. I've always had a fairly reasonable time of being single in between but my last relationship left me traumatised so I've been single 4 years now. After 3 years of doing the therapy, working on myself etc I went into last year thinking I was the best version of myself I could be, now I'm going to look for someone, oh how wrong I was.
You're right lock down is tough on your own, but it's taught me a lot about being self sufficient emotionally and given me a shed load of time to actually explore myself deeper than I ever have before, almost like a form of self therapy.
It's actually made me realise that I never want another relationship again, not something I thought I'd feel at 43. While I don't mind, and actually quite enjoy being single. I think in reality its because I've always imagined someday I would meet the one.
The last year has taught me that I do have someone on my team, me. You talk about being in a relationship like it suddenly ends all of your problems, like there is always going to be someone there for you. In reality while you're relying on someone else the opportunity to be let down is always there. We all hear those stories about couples you would never expect to break up doing just that. I've grown to cherish the fact that, apart from life's normal losses, there's not a damn person walking around that has the potential to blow my world apart and leave me broken hearted.
The food in portions of two, well that's what freezers are for.
If there's a problem in my life the responsibility lies with me to find the best solution and I don't have to consider someone else to get that point. If I do need help and guidance I have good friends and relatives who love me and have my best interests at heart to guide me, support me without any alterior motive.
Of course there have been tomes over the last year when I've craved human interaction like those of my friends who are going through this with someone have, but in all honesty the thought of being in lockdown with someone mustve been tough too. 24 7 with another person, god I don't know how they've not killed each other.
You've only been single 5 months. And you've not really been able to get out, mix, keep busy, socialise, all the things we would advise you to do after a break up. Heartbreak is tough, which is why I'm in no rush to potentially expose myself to it ever again, I wouldn't expect you to be happy about being single just yet. But that self worth, or state of self happiness isn't a feeling it's an actual state of mind you can't fake and I've learned it takes a hell of a lot of work and time to get there.

@sammylady37

Post says single Childfree women happier on average than married women

Childfree women reply to thread confirming their contentment

Subsequent posts refuse to believe we could possibly be happier than those in a relationship & compares us to suffering from obesity

Oh MN

Also poster thinks obese people cannot be happy....

Am not obese or overweight but can imagine that some people at this weight May enjoy their size. Who am I to say how positive they feel about their bodies?

How dare we be confident, content & have self esteem! We must all be in a deep form of denial & envious of all married couples.

We should also not be trusted by any women as we are out to steal their spouses!

I agree with all those who have said age and experience matter a lot. I reckon a lot of those happy women are older and have come out of long term relationships which haven't functioned. In a marriage, it's still the norm for the woman to do the bulk of the domestic work, both in terms of cooking/cleaning/caring and mental load. This is very often on top of working full time. The fact of the matter is the world has changed and men haven't stepped up and changed with it for the most part.

I'm 53 and widowed. My husband died 12 days before the nisi was pronounced. And I can honestly say I've never been happier - I have 2 wonderful DDs, a house, a good job and the freedom to do what I want. It's different if you're young and want children and can't seem to find a decent bloke to have them with, I get that.

I am one of the divorced 50s women and can confirm that I am way way happier single than when I was married. Marriage was servitude for me and involved me working like a dog to keep all the wheels spinning whilst exH found fault with me and everything I did.

Alone with DC and pets plus a group of good friends is preferable every time. I will never have another relationship. Divorced 10 years and loving it!

I don’t think those numbers really reflect the happiness of single people. I think they’re more of a reflection of how many people are stuck in crappy relationships.

@gutful absolutely!

It’s a peculiar mix of ignorance, arrogance and small-mindedness. It’s quite entertaining though

I'm happy as a 50 year old divorcee. The lockdown has been boring for everyone but I'd rather be bored alone, than sharing my space with another bored frustrated person.

I might not be single forever but I've been for about 7 years and I'm pretty happy. Boyfriends come and go, but my space is mine and I quite like that!

Surely it matters what you want and what stage of life you’re at though? A young woman in her 30’s is likely (not always, of course) but she is likely to want to find a suitable partner to have her family with. A slightly older lady (I fall into the older category!) has ticked the family box, & she’s now ready to pursue a more self-reliant, self-focussed life. She has given a lot of her youthful years to raising her family, working hard in that department, probably sacrificing a lot of so-called selfish desires for autonomous activities and pursuits in favour of the bigger picture (I.e. her family) so when that pressure lessens she’s totally ok with being selfish for a bit!

My mother was single in her late 50s and 60s and was happy to be so most of the time. She wanted companionship sometimes when we (her three kids) couldn't always be there to do things with her, but having been married young (at 21) and kids from age 23 I think she appreciated the time on her own and to enjoy her friendships and interests without the compromise of marriage.

I have to say that I find the idea of being single again extremely attractive for all sorts of reasons. Facing COVID and old age on one's own does not seem so attractive.

I also think it depends on whether you meet the right person. A lot of people who are single by choice have had bad/negative experiences. If you are lucky enough to pair up with a true companion who moves through life’s ups and downs with you then that makes you very very happy.

I can only speak from personal experience but my DH is quite literally my other half; we are the best of friends, we’ve had a family together & gone through all those challenges side-by-side. I couldn’t imagine being single, without him there. I think if you meet your “other half” it makes you happier than not meeting them if that makes sense?

I don't think it matters one iota who is happier statistically. The thing is, if you are single you have to rely on yourself to make your own happiness. If you are in a relationship, the other person will have an impact on how you feel.

I would personally be happier if I was single, and I am working on building up the courage to take the next step. I have made sure I have a full life outside of my marriage, so the transition won't be too difficult.

hmmm. For me being single was fine but I wanted a relationship and a family. Now i have that, but I hate being the one who pulls the cart on her own, even though my husband isn´t vicious. One of the pps really resonated with me, not feeling that RAGE because the other half isn´t pulling his weight. So, now I have my daughter, if the economy wasn´t a problem I would be happier single. I guess both situations tick different boxes.

For those with other halves who dream of being single, does your partner know this?

I wouldn't be happy being in a relationship if the other person wanted out. Seems a bit selfish.

I think the problem with these kinds of topics is that many people class themselves as single but they are not - they have children so a single Mum or they are in a marriage imagining how great it would be to be single 🙄 You never really know what it is like to be single until you are in that situation where you speak to no one at night or in the morning or you can go a whole weekend without speaking to someone . I found myself in that situation after a divorce and for me personally it was horrible . I have remarried after 6 years alone and think just how awful it would have been to have lived alone during the last year but also in general . I'm not young and options to get out and mix socially decrease as you age . When retired ( early) it is even worse . I was fortunate to meet a lovely man and I have a much much better life in all ways than in my first marriage . Too many times people are comparing their desire to be single with how it was when they were younger and single . I am in no way saying you marry for companionship or you settle btw.

The loneliest I have ever been in life was the point where my marriage was at its worst. We are still together but I have no doubt that benefits him more than me.

If we ever split permanently I will never live with another man again (other than my children). I find them difficult, and without exception every one I have ever been in a relationship with has sought to curb my freedoms and make me 'smaller' in some way.