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Relationships

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Mummywith2 · 19/03/2021 16:41

Why stay?
id get out sooner rather than later

PixelatedLunchbox · 19/03/2021 16:43

If it were me I'd get rid of him, get a tubal ligation, and start having sex again with someone who wasn't avoiding it by pretending that birth control is the reason we aren't having sex.

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:47

Because of the children.
And because I don’t want to hurt him.
He’s an ok guy. I mean there are many many not ok guys out there.
He’s never been overly involved with the children but he has a busy and stressful job.
I could leave and be on my own and would that be any better than now.
I’m just a bit depressed I suppose and after the last twelve months it’s brought it home to me how distant we really are.
I mean it’s his body, he doesn’t have to have a vasectomy, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to take the pill. I’m happy to use condoms and he won’t.

OP posts:
PixelatedLunchbox · 19/03/2021 16:47

PS. Wasting another 12-13 years of your life in a shitty situation is just not sensible. A year, maybe two, waiting it out, but not 12 or 13. Please talk to someone in real life who can help you see clearly that you are wasting your precious youth on someone who is "perfectly happy" being selfish and asexual.

Fact: A lot of times the grass really IS greener.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2021 16:52

"I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18".

Why?. No, do not do that to yourself or to your children. Whose sake would you be staying for; theirs or yours because its somehow "easier" for you which it is not anyway. They won't say "thanks mum" to you for staying with their dad and could accuse you also of putting him before them. Staying for the sake of the children rarely if ever works out well and in your case its a particularly bad idea. Waiting for the children to go off to university and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.” Face your fear of the unknown and embrace it.

Mummywith2 · 19/03/2021 16:52

Sorry op i knoe how you feel
I am kind of in same situation
How old are you children?

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:54

They are 5 and 12.
I don’t want to hurt DH either. I just need to wait it out. I might never meet anyone else, my children could be very unhappy and I’ve hurt DH into the bargain. Four out of four of us unhappy - currently it’s only 1/4.
It’s sensible to stay.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/03/2021 17:07

The children would adapt. Your 5 year old would barely remember you being together in a couple of years, and your 12 year old isn't yet facing important exams.

You're depressed, you're checked out - how is that good for your children?

What sort of relationship model are you giving them by staying? You live pretty much separate lives, you don't love each other - is that the kind of relationship you'd be happy seeing your kids in?

And it's a lot of guilt to dump on your kids knowing you stuck out a miserable marriage for their sakes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2021 17:07

Why is it sensible to stay in such circumstances?. Better to be on your own with your children as well than to remain so badly accompanied. Again they will not say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him out of a fear you have of being alone. You are pretty much on your own as it is in this marriage. Would you want your kids to have a marriage like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Again I would urge you not to wait it out. What's the point of doing that to yourself and in turn your children who will continue to learn really awful lessons about relationships. They are not daft and they will further pick up on all the vibes between you and their dad, both spoken and unspoken. Your children likely know far more about the your relationship than either of you perhaps care to realise; they are certainly picking up unspoken vibes and unhappiness.

category12 · 19/03/2021 17:16

Also your dh, while he might be comfortable enough with the situation as it is, he's missing out on the opportunity to find someone else who loves him and wants to be with him.

In 12/13 years, he'll be heading into his 60s, his health may be on the decline, he'll be thinking about retirement. Don't you think it's crueller to hang on and set him free at that point, when it'll be so much harder for him to start again?

category12 · 19/03/2021 17:20

At least at this stage he's got a good many working years left to rebuild from any financial impact of a divorce. It's kind of fucking him over to wait until he's near the end of his working life.

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 17:22

He’s rich anyway - he inherited a lot of money from his dad (which I wouldn’t lay any claim to, just to be clear) so he won’t ever have any problem financially. I might 😬

OP posts:
category12 · 19/03/2021 17:27

What about the rest of it?

Embracelife · 19/03/2021 17:30

You are miserable
You cannot hide that from your dc
Don't think you can
So leave and be happy
They will be fine
Enough money to give the dc a good life in two homes

litterbird · 19/03/2021 17:31

So, you are not going to leave. How are you going to change the way you think and feel to get through the next decade? Can you just separate in the house and live a totally separate life but live under the same roof? My friend is doing this now. Neither her or her husband have had sex for years and years, they dont hate each other and the kids are growing fast. She became depressed but didn't want to leave, like you. She then decided to say to her husband "you do you, I will do me". So they now live under the same roof but like housemates. She is much happier after getting help with her depression and had therapy to make this lifestyle work. She will leave when the last child leaves home. Is this what you are looking at doing?

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 17:32

The rest of the money?
I would take as little as possible from him.

OP posts:
tiredmum2468 · 19/03/2021 17:32

@Littlesthobo84

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear this but if you won't go on the pill and he won't use condoms or have a vasectomy

What's the bloody point

For gods sake stop wasting everyone's time and leave him

Dery · 19/03/2021 17:32

“Why is it sensible to stay in such circumstances?. Better to be on your own with your children as well than to remain so badly accompanied. Again they will not say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him out of a fear you have of being alone. You are pretty much on your own as it is in this marriage. Would you want your kids to have a marriage like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Again I would urge you not to wait it out. What's the point of doing that to yourself and in turn your children who will continue to learn really awful lessons about relationships. They are not daft and they will further pick up on all the vibes between you and their dad, both spoken and unspoken. Your children likely know far more about the your relationship than either of you perhaps care to realise; they are certainly picking up unspoken vibes and unhappiness.”

This with bells on.

DinosaurDiana · 19/03/2021 17:33

Why stay until your child is 18 ? That’s lot of sex you’ve not had.
Do you want a life of no sex with him, or a sex life with whoever ?
Is there any chance he’s having sex elsewhere or that he’s gay ?

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 17:34

I think so bird but not as clearly as that with him because he wouldn’t stand it. He’d be angry about it and extremely difficult to live with, maybe with good reason.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 17:36

I’d like a sex life but I’m not sure it’s worth it - at the cost of everything else.
I might not meet anyone else anyway.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/03/2021 17:37

No, not money - the rest of what I said, about the kind of relationship model you're giving your children, about your MH and how that affects your dc, about denying your dh an opportunity to have another relationship that could be better for him as well as yourself?

TheWaif · 19/03/2021 17:39

What do you think the benefit is to your children from staying together?

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 17:42

I think all children - unless there’s abuse maybe - want their parents together. My dd is so excited about going on holiday in the summer. She draws pictures of her 2.4 children family.
They are settled. They are happy. They could end up with a stepmother or step siblings they don’t like. They are very bonded to me and could end up being away from me 50% of the time. Dd is only 5, she’s still little. DH has a temper and shouts more than me and they don’t like it.

OP posts:
pog100 · 19/03/2021 17:43

It's not just sex though is it? It's a fulfilling, happy, fun, bouncy happy emotionally fulfilled life, for ALL of you. It's crystal clear from your OP that this is not the vibe in your house. You are all missing out on this for 12 years. I think you've forgotten how great life can be. Go and find out, please. Don't do yourself down monetarily either. You've clearly had a long shared time together, you both deserve to come out of it as comfortably as you can. That's the law.

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