Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

This is your one chance at this life.

Do you really want to waste 12 years of it? Fine if you do. But you will regret it on your death bed. 12 lost years that you would do anything to get back when they are gone.

Others have pointed out how you are doing no-one any favours by staying. So fully own your decision - own that you are staying in a dead marriage because it's easier than attempting a fulfilling life. See how that sits with you and your opinion of yourself.

And remember every day that you are choosing this. Because then one day you might decide to choose differently.

You don't need help to stay. Staying is doing exactly what you are doing now. It's making you miserable and it will continue to make you miserable.

It's your choice though.

I am with everyone else here, if you stay it will only get worse and i imagine it will impact on your depression further. That will impact the whole family, if you leave, you will be able to start again. Have a happy / healthy relationship un the future.
Why wait? Be happy for you and your children.

Aw op I totally get it about your dd
Its just so hard isnt it...
I guess its easy for others to say leave as they have left before but its scary the unknown

They could end up with a stepmother or step siblings they don’t like.

They could end up with my mate who is a lovely and fantastic step mum and so much so that her step daughter lived with her and her Dad permanently. They could still be a close knit family with her two half siblings like my friend. The SD is mid 30s the other children mid 20s.

You could find happiness, away from a shouty man, a man who wants to have sex with you. A man who provides a positive atmosphere in the house.

Is there anything else in your life where 13 years would seem like an acceptable amount of time to wait for it?

Because this is literally the most important thing, it’s your happiness and freedom. It needs to be sorted asap.

But just because children want something doesn't mean they always have to get it. There's no reason to think it would be detrimental to their lives but it will be to yours!

Also, you’re entitled to some of his money, so don’t worry about anyone giving you shit for that. Get what you need to make sure his children are securely housed and fed. That’s the very least he can do.

Have you explored why he won’t have a vasectomy? Are you sure he’s not hedging his bets on a second marriage at some point where he may want further children? How old is he?

Miserable parents make miserable kids. Your kids will be a hell of a lot more resilient than you're giving them credit for.

Your husband is also a controlling knob. Contraception is not just your problem when you're, supposedly, in a committed relationship.

Divorce really isn't the end of the world. I bet when you finally do it, you'll wonder why on earth you waited so long.

Oh yes - if I were my friend I’d probably advise me to leave, but real life doesn’t work like that.

I need to just put it to bed (ironically) and fill my life with other things until my dd is significantly older.
I don’t believe children are ok with parents splitting up in most cases.

Queen he’s nearly 50 so I don’t think he wants more children.
He says he’s scared. He read me lots of stories about vasectomies going wrong and apparently his friend had one and it hurt for two days. I did feel a bit like I’ve had two c sections but 🤷🏼‍♀️ It is his body and I’m not going to expect him to do it - but I don’t see why he won’t use condoms. He says there’s no point because he can’t feel anything if he uses them. He won’t do anything else either though, he’s never given me oral sex and he won’t do anything apart from full sex because it’s too ‘frustrating’ to do anything else and then not have sex.

I was you in a way, OP. I also was in a relationship where we led separate lives, I focused on kids, he worked a lot and barely did anything else.
Sex dwindled for different reasons, more because of resentments, mostly on my side.
But we bubbled along and adjusted.
I also wanted to wait it out. Except in my case I didn’t think 18, I was more thinking sometime in secondary school, when they are older and more robust.

And then a couple of things happened. As the littlest one grew up a bit and needed me less - I guess I woke up in a way and realised that I focused so much on the kids that I forgot about myself. I still wasn’t going to leave yet - but I just started to do more for myself - with friends, etc. And I felt more alive. And I also found a man in a similar situation and this occasional arrangement did a lot for my mental and physical state. And then I knew I wasn’t as dead inside as I got used to being. And still I wasn’t yet going to live.
And then something happened that forced my hand. Not an affair, but affected finances.
So - I jumped before I was planning to. And don’t really regret it.

I don’t know what your situation is in your relationship, or financially. But I presume as any mother you had to make sacrifices in your career to have kids. And you do more for them now.
So - don’t be silly when you get to the point of separating. Laws are there for a reason.
If you have a long marriage - most assets are marital and get to be spit. He’d claim all there is due from you - if situation were reversed - have no doubts. So don’t let your ‘guilt’ over wanting to split make you give up what you are due and what you’ll need to love on.
You are spending your best years raising your joint children and not having a normal relationship because he won’t put a condom on. This is at best ridiculous. And at worse - it’s controlling or he is hiding something.
If I were you - I’d snoop around a bit.
And - I’d be prepared for eventualities. This is a sham of a marriage and he may bolt or do something to optimise his exit position. Don’t be naive and think he isn’t like that.

As to my kids - they adjusted to divorce a lot better than I expected/feared.

@Littlesthobo84

They are 5 and 12. I don’t want to hurt DH either. I just need to wait it out. I might never meet anyone else, my children could be very unhappy and I’ve hurt DH into the bargain. Four out of four of us unhappy - currently it’s only 1/4. It’s sensible to stay.

Sensible for who? For the children - an uninvolved father and an unhappy mother living as roommates. Great example of a marriage for them to emulate. For your husband - living with kids he doesn't have much investment in and a wife who refuses him sex. He might find a woman who is willing to play the timing game. Or a woman who will have surgery. Or a woman who is unable to conceive. Lots of possibilities for him. For you? You aren't happy. You would like a sexual and an emotional relationship that you are not going to get from him. You are setting a horrible example for your children. But you ARE financially comfortable.

Okay in what way? What bad thing do you think actually happens to children when their parents split up?

I think there’s a lot more for them to navigate, all the things that were certain are no longer certain.
People say children are resilient but in reality they have no choices other than the ones made for them by adults. I have friends who have divorced parents and it has made life very tricky.
It’s not what I want for my children.

You haven’t had sex in 6 years?! And you’re in your thirties?? Fuck that.
How does he feel about being in a sexless marriage?

He won’t do anything else either though, he’s never given me oral sex and he won’t do anything apart from full sex because it’s too ‘frustrating’ to do anything else and then not have sex.

Did you have sexual partners before him OP and did you get the variety and satisfaction that he's not willing to even entertain the idea of. I only ask because it sounds like you don't know what you're missing which is why you are prepared to forgo it.

My mum stayed with my dad for the sake of the kids (me and one sibling).

The relationship model we had was so dysfunctional we've both gone on to have shit relationships ourselves. Add the guilt of knowing mum was unhappy - and for me as I got a bit older, like 10yrs onwards, being her emotional sounding board, crutch and surrogate 'significant other' meant my view of my dad was tainted and her reliance on me was just too much. I didn't properly separate in the normal way and it was suffocating but I felt I owed her some happiness as she'd tolerated her marriage for our sakes (we had a nice home and were comfortable financially. In her mind, if she'd have divorced we wouldn't have been anywhere near so comfortable).

When I divorced she was horrified that I refused to 'stick it out for the kids..' However I knew the damage that causes. My kids are young adults now, both very happy and settled and both have good relationships with me and their dad. They didn't like the initial separation for a few months but once the new routine and 'new normal' was established they were honestly ok. They had 2 happy parents in 2 peaceful homes. This was far better than 2 unhappy, arguing, shouty parents in one unsettled home. They have a lovely step-mum and half sister from their dad's new marriage (and not a lot from me, I just can't 'do' relationships largely to do with my childhood model).

I'm nearly 50 and am having to come to terms with the FACT that growing up in a weird and dysfunctional family dynamic HAS created a lot of problems for me which I've carried in to adulthood. I literally have no idea what a normal, healthy relationship looks, sounds or feels like. I feel guilty that both my parents have been unhappily together for the last 35 years, I cannot reconcile the man my dad appears to be with the man she told me he was, and my poor sibling is even more fucked up.

In your family it might only be 1 in 4 who is unhappy right now, but once they're adults it's very likely to be at least 3 in 4 who are unhappy. You are showing a really poor example of a couple/partnership to your children, which they will absorb as being 'normal' and may well go on to copy this is their lives. Surely you want better for them? As they get older they'll realise that you aren't happy but might think it's because of THEM and stuff they say or do. It probably won't occur to them that it's their dad as they'd surely think if you're that unhappy, get divorced.

We'd have all been far better off not to have continued in such an unhealthy dynamic.

You, your children and your husband ALL deserve better. Although you don't want to hurt him you ultimately will if you leave in 10/12/20 years time, maybe even more so if he realises you were hit biding your time. And you'll have hurt yourself and your children as well. Kids survive - and thrive - following divorce, it's misleading of society to suggest otherwise and is a rumour possibly perpetuated by people like my mum, to defend the indefensible of stating unhappily shackled.

I'm sorry to go on a bit. And I'm really sorry you are unhappy - you could very well be incredibly happy single or meet someone else who loves you and who you love and be incredibly happy with them. Either is better than slowly dying in your current 'marriage'.

What things to navigate specifically? What things aren't certain?

Obviously there are some disgusting people who put their children through all kinds of game playing and arguing etc, do you think your husband would be like that?

My DD never so much as saw us argue when we split up. She sees him all the time. We have no battles over anything. Get on fine in front of her, still laugh and joke etc (despite him cheating on me for years). Work together with parenting. She gets double the holidays. She gets quality time with us both. Past the first month of adjusting she's not suffered any ill effects at all. I'm pretty sure this is the norm.

Plus, my mental health is a million times better, which can only be good for her.

OP yes, your children are important, and yes, you don’t want to hurt anyone. But you do only have one life. Don’t waste it.

I don’t understand the ‘because of the children’ argument, why is it good for kids to grow up seeing an unhappy marriage?
Surely as their parent you make decisions they don’t like in the short term but are certainly better in the long term.

I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who put his own preference for no condoms ahead of my health / our marriage. If that’s the marriage you’re modelling and holding on to for your Kids is it worth it?

All of your reasons for not leaving are ‘what ifs’ they’re not fact

You are being very ready to screwed over to keep everyone else happy. Why are you sacrificing yourself for DHs happiness? The man literally doesn’t care about you enough to take 5 seconds to put a condom on.

I hope you will get some therapy and see that you and your happiness have value and worth and that is important too.

The children aren’t bothered about our sex life (or lack of) though. If they were seeing us shouting, or he were abusive it would be different, but for them they are seeing an amicable relationship.

So why do you think that would change if you split up?

@Littlesthobo84

Oh yes - if I were my friend I’d probably advise me to leave, but real life doesn’t work like that. I need to just put it to bed (ironically) and fill my life with other things until my dd is significantly older. I don’t believe children are ok with parents splitting up in most cases.

From the age of 8 I was old enough to understand who my dad was (not abusive, just a bit cold, angry, made my mum unhappy) and I was grateful he wasn’t around in our happy home. I looked at people around me who’s dad was still at home, and the vibe and tension in their homes at time, and I was glad I wasn’t them.

If we were to split DH would be very angry and upset and would go on the attack. He describes himself as ‘vindictive’ if anyone hurts him.
It wouldn’t be amicable in the least.