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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
siyhack58342 · 19/03/2021 20:22

You've described him as vindictive, he sounds pretty selfish...I dunno, up to you if you stay, I'm not an instant LTB type poster, but isn't life worth more than that? You only get one as far as I know.

I suppose if you feel like you have to you will, but it doesn't sound super fun. And yeah, kids might not want you to split up if presented with that as an option, but don't underestimate how an unhappy household affects the ppl in it.

minmooch · 19/03/2021 20:32

You are kidding yourself if you think your kids do not/ will not pick up on this apathy in your marriage. This is what you are modelling for your kids and this is what they will mirror in their own relationships.

Plenty of marriages break up, parents learn to co parent very successfully. Children can be more damaged living in a house with no love between the parents.

What a depressing thought spending the next 10 or more years like this. Don't let the threat of him being difficult stop you from living a full life rather than this half life you are living now.

category12 · 19/03/2021 20:41

Life is short, OP. Tomorrow is not promised to you.

2late2fixate · 19/03/2021 20:51

I've read all your updates @Littlesthobo84 and I just feel really sad for you. You should leave him.

Do you understand that this isn't what a relationship should be like? I'm not convinced you realise that.

SavannahLands · 19/03/2021 20:52

Have you ever both considered going for Couples Counselling from a service such as Relate? It does work for some people, but it also offers support and suggestions that may lead to a more understanding and happier relationship.
It may also help for you to talk to your practice Nurse or GP regarding alternative forms of Contraception that do not involve surgery or the regular taking of Hormones. One such method is the Merena Coil, or the totally hormone free Copper Coils. Both would give an average of 5 years fuss free reliable Contraception.
If DH doesn't want to take part in the Relate sessions himself, then maybe you could try attending alone to begin with, during school hours maybe so that child care is not an issue. Try using it as a bit of 'Me Time' , a safe place to unwind and explore the situation in depth to what would honestly make you truly happy.

Arrivederla · 19/03/2021 20:54

@Littlesthobo84

If we were to split DH would be very angry and upset and would go on the attack. He describes himself as ‘vindictive’ if anyone hurts him. It wouldn’t be amicable in the least.
Oh , he sounds delightful. I can quite see why you would want to live with him and inflict him on your children day in and day out. Confused
handforther · 19/03/2021 21:47

I am in this exact situation OP! No advice I'm afraid but I completely understand the angst over the child/ren enjoying family life and not wanting to disrupt that for your own happiness

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/03/2021 21:50

Sod him ,I'd be off. What an absolute waste of your life. The children will be fine if you leave him.
His absolute selfishness and lack of care for you is the end, you cannot get past that and it is not worth staying. You will waste the best years of your life, for what?

Embracelife · 19/03/2021 22:35

"DH has a temper and shouts more than me and they don’t like it"

When does he shout?
Why?
Why is it ok?

Bluntpencil · 20/03/2021 07:50

Get a coil fitted? Or split up? Are you happy day to day?

Littlesthobo84 · 20/03/2021 07:53

He just shouts sometimes, most people do I suppose? No one is perfect. I should occasionally at the children myself, although it’s much much rarer. It’s not everyday that he does, he just has a temper or if he’s had a particularly stressful day at work or something.

I suppose I should look into the coil. I don’t really want it - I don’t really understand why he won’t use condoms because it’s the least invasive thing for us both. He never has though, I don’t think he has with anyone he’s ever been with.

OP posts:
HikingInTheHills · 20/03/2021 08:00

So you’re unhappy, you’ve said that. Yet you’re quite prepared to stay in your unhappy situation because you don’t want to make anyone else unhappy.

I assume you are perfectly aware that the relationship between yourself and your husband is one your children are likely to mirror later in life? Kids aren’t stupid and if they haven’t picked up on tension or unhappiness at home they will soon enough. Your life now will be their future norm. Why would you want that for them?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 20/03/2021 08:05

Op I totally get it re being on autopilot and checked out. And I think most get it too wrt not wanting to disrupt your children who mostly want their parents together no matter what. But... You sound so defeated and so low.. There's no way your children are seeing 'amicable' x they are probably seeing two very separate people, as mine are currently. We are in counselling because I want to feel I have tried my very best but if it doesn't work out, I'm gone. I cannot live like this, where life is black and white and I'm almost dissociated from the lack of love. I promise you it feels good to have a plan of action. And yes to the idea that your chikdren are seeing this relationship as the blueprint for theirs...

Littlesthobo84 · 20/03/2021 08:07

I suppose like someone said upthread, it’s normal for me and I don’t know if anyone’s relationship is different to this, or ‘better.’ All of my friends complain about their partners - some are arguably worse than my DH because they are abusive.
At late 30s and having been together for getting into to 20 years maybe it’s the best you can hope for, rubbing along, not annoying each other too much, it being ok.
That’s why I think the grass isn’t always greener, it’s surely what happens to everyone?
I’m not happy but I sure as hell wouldn’t be happy seeing my dc upset and knowing I’d caused that. How would I live with that?
I’m hoping to just keep acting for now and fill my life with other things when lockdown ends. I think that’s what has been harder, usually a lot of things I need (friendship, company, chat) id get from my friends but that hasn’t been able to happen the last twelve months or so.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 20/03/2021 08:16

I dunno what colour the grass is elsewhere but this patch looks dried up and dead.....

Have you ever had therapy? You sound horribly stuck - hating to stay but too scared to go Flowers

tisonlymeagain · 20/03/2021 08:17

Life is too short. Get out and start living yours properly. In colour.

Mupp64 · 20/03/2021 08:26

I'm not sure why you have put up your original post - you initially "complain " about your current situation but then you continually try and justify your actions when the MNetter's feedback - explaining what poor decisions you are making for yourself and your children based on what you are describing
As You are basically indicating that you intend to stay together for your children - end of !!! There's no medals for mother martyrs
So why in gawd's name are you replying and going around in circles justifying yourself - as the saying goes - PUT UP and SHUT UP - your choice
You will live to regret it 100% and I can promise you so will your children - don't be so naive

TheWaif · 20/03/2021 08:31

Yeah I agree, ridiculous.

Littlesthobo84 · 20/03/2021 08:32

Mupp I suppose I just want to know that it’s possible to do so and how to do it without sinking completely.
I talked it over with my parents (not the sex part) and they are of the opinion that I just have to stay until the children are at least 18. I am worried that by that point I will just stay because I will be early 50s and DH will be early 60s - so maybe I am talking about staying forever.

OP posts:
minmooch · 20/03/2021 08:38

Why are you convinced your children will be so unhappy if you split?

My boys were never too upset when we split. We never argued in front of the children but there was that oppressive feeling that things were not right.

We split. The kids regularly saw their Dad, we both tried very hard to be respectful of each other's place as a parent. We agreed to live close by for a few years so the kids could come and go easily between us. Both kids were happy and secure. Tensions were lifted and each house was happier.

Both my dp and I are very fond of my ex-dh and his wife. Pre- COVID family celebrations include the wider evolved family.

TheWaif · 20/03/2021 08:38

It's just complete rubbish about the kids. Your parents are from a different generation. A very brief upset and then there would be a new normal. It's like you're enjoying catastrophising it.

It's also borderline insulting to every person reading this who has seperated from their child's other parent.

AaSaat · 20/03/2021 08:40

That is a very disappointing response from your parents. Your children see and hear everything and have no doubt they will tell you so when they are much older.

category12 · 20/03/2021 08:42

OP, you don't know what the next 10 - 15 years holds.

You could suffer life-changing injury or debilitating illness in that time, end up in a position you are not as able to be independent, or something like that could happen to him and you'll feel immense pressure to stay to support him. You could get through the next decade, (perhaps self-medicating with anti-depressants or alcohol or whatever to get through it) and die in a car crash the day before you intended to leave the guy. A bit dramatic maybe, but the point is, tomorrow isn't promised to you.

joystir59 · 20/03/2021 08:44

Roll on lockdown ending so that you can get out and enjoy your separate life with your friends. How you are emotionally squeezing yourself into this joyless marriage sounds so miserable OP, and you come across like an old woman who has no hope of a better life beyond an ancient marriage. I had to keep reminding myself that you are only in your thirties. I do recognise the difficulties you will face if you leave, and the pain you will potentially cause your children by leaving but it makes me very sad to think that you will plod on in misery. I'm not at all convinced you are doing the best thing for your children in staying put. Your DH sounds bad tempered and unpleasant and they are witnessing and experiencing and being influenced by the joyless bad tempered atmosphere between you. I hope when lockdown ends you nourish yourself in friendships and gather confidence and strength and leave him.

tiredmum2468 · 20/03/2021 08:46

"Help me stay in my marriage"

Reading your later posts @Littlesthobo84

The question has to be why?

Why stay and
Why let him spoil your life

Why do that when you have the chance to leave

Why wait

Do yourself a favour and get out now