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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Osirus · 21/03/2021 00:59

@Littlesthobo84

Queen he’s nearly 50 so I don’t think he wants more children. He says he’s scared. He read me lots of stories about vasectomies going wrong and apparently his friend had one and it hurt for two days. I did feel a bit like I’ve had two c sections but 🤷🏼‍♀️ It is his body and I’m not going to expect him to do it - but I don’t see why he won’t use condoms. He says there’s no point because he can’t feel anything if he uses them. He won’t do anything else either though, he’s never given me oral sex and he won’t do anything apart from full sex because it’s too ‘frustrating’ to do anything else and then not have sex.
He’s right that quite a lot of men suffer with long term (permanent) chronic pain after a vasectomy. I wouldn’t ever want my husband to get one. It’s not something that can be undone (the pain and other issues). It’s not worth the risk.

A lot of men also don’t get on with condoms. I’m a woman and I don’t like them.

I think after 6 years of no sex however, your problems are deeper than condoms, and it’s going to take a lot to undo them.

Littlesthobo84 · 21/03/2021 07:48

Osirus but then the only other option is I have hormonal contraception which hasn’t suited me previously.

He won’t do anything else either, he won’t do anything unless it’s going to lead to full sex. He says it’s too frustrating. I don’t know how we go from nothing to full sex at this point anyway. We’ve just stopped talking about it tbh. It doesn’t feel like we are close enough to talk about it anymore.

minmooch I’m glad it worked out for you, it sounds like you’ve faced some extremely difficult times. Flowers

OP posts:
Mummywith2 · 21/03/2021 07:54

@minmooch im so sorry you lost your son
Yo sound like such a strong person 💗

Littlesthobo84 · 21/03/2021 11:16

The other thing is he isn’t an equal parent. I work four and a half days. He doesn’t do anything round the house or for the kids. He’s only just got up, I’ve been up since 6.15am with dc2. I asked if he’d use a day or two of holiday over the summer so the dc aren’t in holiday club all the time and he said he wasn’t using his holiday for babysitting and was only going to take holiday when I was off. He finishes early on a Friday and could fetch the dc so they don’t have to go to after school club but doesn’t.

OP posts:
2late2fixate · 21/03/2021 11:21

@Littlesthobo84

The other thing is he isn’t an equal parent. I work four and a half days. He doesn’t do anything round the house or for the kids. He’s only just got up, I’ve been up since 6.15am with dc2. I asked if he’d use a day or two of holiday over the summer so the dc aren’t in holiday club all the time and he said he wasn’t using his holiday for babysitting and was only going to take holiday when I was off. He finishes early on a Friday and could fetch the dc so they don’t have to go to after school club but doesn’t.

Babysitting? Hmm

Oh OP for fuck sake just leave him.

siyhack58342 · 21/03/2021 11:23

If you're determined to martyr yourself for this marriage I'm not sure what a lot of us can do to help. But it sounds more miserable every time you post. He calls looking after his own kids babysitting and refuses to give up 'his' holiday to do it. Wow. Very bleak.

Candyfloss99 · 21/03/2021 11:26

You are being selfish staying in this marriage. Leave for the sake of your poor children.

AnnaMagnani · 21/03/2021 11:34

He doesn't do anything for the kids - I guarantee you that if you split up he would make a lot of noise about 50:50 but the final settlement would be every other weekend and one overnight a week.

Because if he actually had to parent his children he'd die of shock.

Have seen this play out on this board a billion times.

Embracelife · 21/03/2021 11:40

I bet your dc think he is a waste of space .
Doesn't do anything with them etc.
Ask your 5 yr old to draw a family portrait or talk about their best holiday ever...where is dad?

RandomMess · 21/03/2021 11:45

FFS he's not a parent to them so why are you staying "for the sake of the kids"???

If you leave there is actually more chance of him stepping up and parenting them.

You even contribute financially so what actually does he being to your and the DC lives?

billy1966 · 21/03/2021 11:56

Kindly OP,

Your relationship bar is on the floor.

He sounds like a nasty, lazy, selfish arse.

He doesn't parent.
He doesn't share the work load.

You sound sad and depressed.

At the moment you feel you have to stick with this utterly miserable situation.

That is YOUR choice.
No one is forcing you to stay.
You want to stay.

What you could think about doing is planning for when you might want something else.

OP a new bank account and start building up a running away fund.

Let that be your focus.

Flowers
intothegarden · 21/03/2021 16:29

OP, feel free to PM me. I totally get where you are coming from and how even though it seems obvious to spilt up, it's really hard x

category12 · 21/03/2021 17:33

@Littlesthobo84

The other thing is he isn’t an equal parent. I work four and a half days. He doesn’t do anything round the house or for the kids. He’s only just got up, I’ve been up since 6.15am with dc2. I asked if he’d use a day or two of holiday over the summer so the dc aren’t in holiday club all the time and he said he wasn’t using his holiday for babysitting and was only going to take holiday when I was off. He finishes early on a Friday and could fetch the dc so they don’t have to go to after school club but doesn’t.
So I'm not really getting why you think splitting up will be bad for your children.

Uninvolved disengaged dad who can't be arsed with them - hold up, angry shouty uninvolved disengaged dad who can't be arsed with them, would no longer be living with them 24/7. How is that terrible for them?

Angry shouty uninvolved disengaged dad who can't be arsed with them and makes their mum sad and hopeless would no longer be living with them 24/7.

Angry shouty uninvolved disengaged dad who can't be arsed with them and makes their mum sad and hopeless who are both modelling an unhealthy, loveless and perfunctory relationship for them to recreate in their futures, would no longer be living with them 24/7.

He might even be a better dad if he was non-resident, might be a Disney dad who showed an interest.

Littlesthobo84 · 21/03/2021 17:41

They still like him. He’s better when he’s off work, he’s stressed at work.
He does make comments to me - I had a promotion at work and he said ‘if I’d had the snip now I’d have a special present for you’ and then gesticulated. And he says stuff like ‘I’d like to slip you a length.’ I don’t like these things especially by the way but he seems to think these things even if we then never have sex.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/03/2021 17:47

Of course the children like him - he's their parent. Children are hard-wired to love their parents and care-givers, it's an evolutionary survival throwback. Hell, children can love their abusive parents and don't want to leave them. Doesn't mean the relationship or living with them is the best thing for them.

RandomMess · 21/03/2021 17:47

Well they can like him and spend EOW with him?? Perhaps he'll even step up and have them on a Wednesday overnight as well.

I honestly don't understand why you don't want to end things Confused

Are you not resentful that he has opted out of all responsibility for the DC, the house and having a sex life?

Notagain20 · 21/03/2021 18:08

@Littlesthobo84

I suppose like someone said upthread, it’s normal for me and I don’t know if anyone’s relationship is different to this, or ‘better.’ All of my friends complain about their partners - some are arguably worse than my DH because they are abusive. At late 30s and having been together for getting into to 20 years maybe it’s the best you can hope for, rubbing along, not annoying each other too much, it being ok. That’s why I think the grass isn’t always greener, it’s surely what happens to everyone? I’m not happy but I sure as hell wouldn’t be happy seeing my dc upset and knowing I’d caused that. How would I live with that? I’m hoping to just keep acting for now and fill my life with other things when lockdown ends. I think that’s what has been harder, usually a lot of things I need (friendship, company, chat) id get from my friends but that hasn’t been able to happen the last twelve months or so.
This is heart breaking to read.

You're not happy, your husband is selfish and angry - thisis not the best you can hope for and I promise you that it's not the best for your children.

I can imagine how scary it is to contemplate leaving, especially given what you have said about how he will punish you for it. But if you stay you will get smaller and smaller and lose your happiness, your confidence, your integrity. Your kids will have a shell of a mum, an angry man for a dad and a very sad view of love.

Be brave, take responsibility for your own happiness. Be a role model for your kids of courage and maturity. Don't wait to be happy at some vague point in the future.

category12 · 21/03/2021 18:09

I mean, I could understand you not wanting to rock the boat and leave the marriage if you were able to say - he's a great dad, so involved, so much fun, he puts so much effort into family life and loves them so much, and it would be awful for them and him not to live together, and you're nobly sacrificing your own happiness to promote theirs- but that's not the picture you're painting at all.

Awomanwalksintoabar · 21/03/2021 18:19

You seem to be focussed on the sex thing, and if you think that’s the root of the problem, seriously, get a coil. Mine is non-hormonal (copper), lasts 5 years, and I’ve never had any issues with it. I find it odd that you didn’t think of this yourself, and I surmise that there’s a lot more going on, but you find it helpful to centre the sex as the key to it all. You might think about why that is.

Notagain20 · 21/03/2021 18:22

I wouldn't be getting a coil for the opportunity to have sex with a man who won't do anything at all that doesn't suit him! Won't wear a condom, have the snip, won't even do anything sexually to please his wife because he might not get what he wants?? Sod that!

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 21/03/2021 18:58

But if you stay you will get smaller and smaller and lose your happiness, your confidence, your integrity. Your kids will have a shell of a mum, an angry man for a dad and a very sad view of love. Read this over and over. So important. You deserve the life you want to live.

gonewiththegin · 21/03/2021 22:37

Honestly I don’t think there is never a right time to leave. In 12 years time there could well be circumstances preventing you from starting over. Most likely by then you will think to yourself you’ve come this far, what’s another few years.

I do see where you are coming from regarding giving up 50% of your children’s lives especially if you believe your DH will be very difficult.

If it is your intention to say as a PP said you need to do things for you, for some freedom and as a distraction from your relationship. This should give you a new lease of life and make staying put for now more bearable.

TedMullins · 21/03/2021 22:43

This is not “what happens to everyone” and it doesn’t matter if other people’s relationships are worse. You can leave a relationship for any reason you like, there doesn’t have to be a reason except ‘I no longer want to be in this relationship’. I know there are other factors at play but being in a relationship is not a requirement.

What if your DC, when they are adults, come to realise the toxic and dysfunctional dynamic and start resenting you for not leaving, or decide to reduce contact with you or their father? I was very resistant to the idea at first that my parents’ relationship was not normal or good. I used to defend some of the questionable things my dad did and I really didn’t like hearing over and over again (like you are here) that he displayed abusive behaviour. But unfortunately those people were right and I now see their relationship in a whole new light. I wish more than anything my mum had left and it did affect my relationship with her for a few years. Don’t show your children they can’t exercise autonomy when in relationships. You’re not doing them the favour you think you are.

RandomMess · 21/03/2021 22:47

He won't want the work of 50:50 parenting, he probably won't want EOW as it will enable you to have a life.

Your eldest will prioritise friends and have an ever increasing say in what contact she wants.

Can you imagine how it is for your DC living with a father that sees them as an inconvenience and that they are your job? That he doesn't want to spend time with them or making a loving home for them?

colouringindoors · 21/03/2021 22:52

Please don't stay because of the children. They can see its an unhealthy relationship. They will learn that it's acceptable. They won't thank you at 18.

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